I Can Let Go

Do you remember that time in your life, when you've been through so much in the recent past and the you look back to your long gone past, and say to yourself :

"How could I feel that way?"

"How could I have done that?"

"Why did I go through with it?"

"How come I fell for her?"

"How miserable I was back then."

"Why?"

and another "Why?"

***

I'm doing some thinking recently. In fact, I've been doing lots and lots of thinking. My life has changed so much, as I know it. I've been improving. My life has been improving, if I am to compare my life back in 2004, 2005, until 2007. Yeah, I say 2008 is not a bad year. It's not as bad year as those years I mentioned.

In 2004, I was living in a mess of uncertainty, not knowing where or what to do. I didn't have anything good to hold on to. Friends came and went away. My life, as I had feared, was unbalanced. I'm talking about the time I was in Jakarta.

In 2005, I was beginning to put it together, a job, a house, a stability. It's a good year, better than the previous, at least. I met some old friends, and then the plane crash arc happened, and once again I was obsessed with things I should have known better not to be.

In the period of 2006 until 2007, I was a total wreck, talking about suicides, desperately wishing for a little hope as my life was all about routines and boredoms. Loneliness caught me in the very bad times of my life. I think it was the time I started gaining weight.

Some time in 2008, I had the turning point of my life. I finally decided to be more happy. I eventually found a way to ease my loneliness. I was fighting, like hell, to stay happy. I think it was the biggest challenge. But I think I managed it. Indeed, I became more happy than I was before. Life became better in spite of my unchanged reality. I tried to make the best of everything. I tried to forget Cy. I am happy to say that I think I already have, though at a price of disliking her.

Some time ago, I was surfing to see lots of pictures of my infatuations. Remember USA. It was my biggest highschool infatuation. I liked her big deal that I remember claiming that I loved her. I told her about my feeling in the most pathetic way any man could do. She rejected me, of course. Since then, I banned her from my life, only to find myself acting awkward everytime I saw her.

Why am I telling this?

Because a few days ago, I saw her again, and guess what : I ain't feeling anything anymore.

I tried to see another people, like Avie, Cy, and others I've liked before.

Nope.

I don't feel anything anymore to them.

I have evolved, I realize. I'm not being arrogant or anything. Just wanna remember this feeling, a feeling when I think I can let go my past. This is the time when everything will change.

I have changed.

***

Today, I am stressed out by the behaviour of both my students and my anti virus.

I think it turns out that my life hasn't changed too much. It is I who changed. My life will stay the same right about now.But I believe, if I change myself to be better, and keep on doing that, like what I've been doing this whole year, I believe that my life will follow me to the brighter side.

That's all I need to say right now.

The Perfect Night, Yellow's Babies, and Wanted

It's so a great a day that "three" can't make it.

1. My night went perfectly well. It's what I'd hoped for so long finally come true. I feel bliss and amazed, as how a usual jinx-ful Thursday became the day of my best. It's never occurred to me years ago that I will be spending my favourite time doing my favourite thing with my favourite girl at my most favourite movie theater.

2. My Yellow has two cute babies. I've never seen kittens so cute like these before. The elder one is named Huan Lo and the younger brother is Pek Lo, following their dad Khiau Lo, the Lo Family.

3. Wanted is the movie of the month. It's not only because it's so uniquely great and unpredictably cool, but it's also because of the time and place, and most importantly, the feeling when watching it.

4. My sister has finally got the job at ICM and free college scholarship there. I'm so happy for her. I wasn't very lucky to have a chance to study in university, let alone to convocate. But I'm so glad that my sister will be able.

5. Denny Duquette is back! That's one hell of a great news! I think my days of happiness won't be far ahead of me, even though a certain people don't like that to happen. Funny, as if they want me to dwell in loneliness and desperation I was once in, and I'm selfish and obnoxious for being improved and happy.

These are a few pictures related :

The Third Dream

Me : Hey!


Me : Hey!


God : What? What happened? Did you just call me?


Me : (shrugged)

God : Well, that never happened before. What can I do you for?

Me : I think you've known, haven't you?

God : Let me see?

[pause]

God : This is about your last two dreams, right?

Me : What about it? What do you think?

God : You have been dreaming some resemblances in the last two days and you wonder if it will happen again tonight, am I correct?

Me : Well...

God : No.. no... wait... you hope for a dream like that to come and visit you again, don't you?

Me : I know that you know that.

God : Well, I am only God. I am not a Dream Giver. I can't control what dream you may have tonight or any other nights. It's all inside of you, what decides your dreams.

Me : So what do you say?

God : That perhaps it's due to your hunger of affection that you dreamed about Cy and Susan respectively.

Me : It's not even the same, the two of them.

God : Well, I beg to differ. I don't see it that way. Yes, they have differences in time and stuffs, but you still liked the two of them for a seriously significant amount of time.

Me : Yeah, I know that. I never thought that I would be dreaming of Cy again, let alone Susan. I wonder where she is and what she's doing right now.

God : Yeah, time has passed, things have surely changed a lot.

Me : [no response]

God : So tell me more about the dream. Cy first. You dreamt of her first right?

Me : Do I have to? You have known about it anyway.

God : I do. But it's better to share things with someone than nothing at all. I personally like the conversations I do with human being.

Me : Okay then. I only remember to have Cy with me riding towards some place. In the middle of the road, I hugged her, so easily as if it's something I knew I should have done. The funny thing was that I could still drive.

God : I don't really get what you're saying. What's the dream about?

Me : I don't know. I can't really explain it. It's more to the emotional thing than the appearances and the what-happens and the descriptions...

God : I see. Something like affection or love really can't be uttered in words, since it is not three dimensional.

Me : Yeah.

God : So what happened next? You just riding with her?

Me : Yep. That was all. And by yesterday, it felt like the sweetest dream. No kidding. You may not believe it cause you need to experience it to really understand it.

God : Look who you're talking to. I know. Believe me. So what happened with Susan?

Me : Hm.. this one is hard to explain. I remember I was feeling so lost and helpless in my dream. There was something happened to me before that.. I didn't recall it no more, but it felt like highschool. I think that's the closest I can say right now, because the only memories I had with Susan was in High School and that was really long time ago.

Me : I remember finding Susan standing near a fountain or something... but it was inside a room. I talked to her. I didn't remember what I said to her. But I think that I was telling her about my feeling to her. That I have a crush on her... that I love her. Something like that.

Me : And then she replied, "I am going to Singapore." but she didn't smile.

Me : I knew she turned me down. Been like that in my real life too. But then she talked to me... saying alot of things and that had never happened before. It's like we were friends, close friends that sharing something private didn't feel icky.

Me : I remember she was saying things about her brothers of her father. I don't remember... actually, I didn't pay attention to her. After she had done talking, I nodded at her as if I understood all the things she said and as if they were happening to me too. She seemed to buy it because the feeling of each-other-understanding filled the air.

Me : And then I held her hands, not properly, but yeah... I meant it delicately.

Me : And that was when my mother woke me up.

God : I see. I hope you for the best.

Me : Do you really? Do you want to give me another dream like that?

God : It didn't seem like a very happy dream.

Me : No it didn't. But it had the...

God : ... feeling. I know.

Me : [sigh] I have been so busy you know. I cannot even do things I like nowadays.

God : And I just realize that this conversation is not funny at all? [confused]

Me : Yeah. This is supposed to be a sitcom. But I don't think it will be funny this time.

God : Of course it won't be funny. Life is not a sitcom.

Me : Then why do I ask for one that is?


.

God Complex

Prologue

[My Bedroom, 11 pm, blackout night]

God : "I long to see the sunlight in your hair... and tell you time and time again how much I care. Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow. Hello?"


Me : [Grunts] "Who's there?"

God : "Yo! What's up! It's Me, G.

Me : "Oh God."

God : "Well, if that's what you kids are calling Me these days..."

Me : "What do you want, old man?"

God : "Hello? Excuse me? Don't you see that I'm a woman?"

Me : "I can't. It's thickly dark here, thanks to your creation. 'PLN'."

God : "Well at least you can hear my feminime voice..."

Me : "What do you want old man? I haven't got all day. I'm trying to sleep here."

God : "Don't do that. Don't call me old man, please."

Me : "Then why did you sound like one?"

God : [Stomps the floor with one leg and vanishes.]


Scene One

[On top of Smashie, on my way to the city.]

God : [Apparates suddenly] "Hello, you."

Me : "Hey, what's up, Goddie?"

God : "I'm very fine, thank you. But you don't seem very fine yourself."

Me : "I don't know. You're the God."

God : "I am indeed."

Me : "So what do you want now?"

God : "I just wanna talk to you. We haven't chatted in a while now, have we? You've never called, you've never written, you've never even been mad at me... bottom line is you never pray anymore."

Me : "What can I say, I don't believe in you anymore."

God : "But why, my son?"

Me : "I don't know... maybe because you don't exist?"

God : "Hello??? I am sitting behind you right now."

Me : "You aren't real, and even if you are, you are not doing a very good job."

God : "Aren't I?"

Me : "And people only need you because they need something to be an answer to all the questions they can't solve."

God : "Is that all I am? An Answer?"

Me : "For me, you're not. Actually, You're nothing to me.."

God : "If we can just put that aside for a moment... I wanna chat with you about your wedding day."

Me : "What? Now? I'm driving right now. Can't you at least find a better time?"

God : "Sure. As you should know, God is very patient. Cya pal." [Disappearing]

Me : "And I just said no to God." [chuckling]



Scene Two

[My bathroom, me taking a dump, poop-pooing, 2⅓ pm local time]


God : [materialized abruptly] "Boo! How you're doing?"

Me : "HOLY SHI.."

God : [calmly] "Please don't finish that sentence."

Me : [frustratedly] "Please don't show up like this."

God : [still calmly] "What? You said you couldn't speak while driving. Now you are not driving."

Me : "Oh right. I am not driving. It's a perfect time by the way. Keep looking up!"

God : [looking down] "Oh sweet Moses!"

Me : "What do you want now?"

God : "Our little chat of course... about..."

Me and God : "What myour wedding will be like."

Me : "Why do you want me to imagine it? You can bend space and time, why don't you Hiro-Nakamura yourself in to the future and then tell me who I'll be marrying."

God : "No.. no... no.. I want to hear you looking in to the future. You have been living in such a mess these past few months."

Me : "So you're here to console me huh? Hm.. that's new."

God : "If you pray for a happiness... would God give you the happiness or the chance to be happy? If you ask for a million dollars, would God give you the money or the..."

Me : [interrupting] "Oh stop quoting Evan Almighty!"

God : "I was not! Ugh. I hate that movie. They stole my "G" nickname and I was a black old man." [looking morose] "Anyway, about your wedding. Where will the ceremony be held?"

Me : "Hm.. I am thinking ... a silent peaceful windy green hill would do."

God : "Nice one there."

Me : "Thanks G."

God : "Wow, you called me by my nickname. How deeply touched I am. How very proud I am of you."

Me : "Yeah, right. I'll be expecting the call from the President any minute now."

God : "Er... well. When your bride-to-be is walking down the aisle, what music would you like to play?"

Me : "You know, I've thought about it... and I think it's either the chorus of Canon in D or the chorus of Speeding Cars."

God : "Really? Canon is casual, yet a romantic choice. Speeding Cars? Are you sure?"

Me : "Yeah. I know what you're thinking. I just want the sensation to be like the graduating moment in The O.C. which was fabulous... unforgettable. Then again, I don't want the first sentence of my wedding day music to be :

Here's the day you hoped would never come...

you know what I mean, right?"

God : "Yeah. Yeah. Sure. It's probably better than Gloria Gaynor's 'First I was afraid... I was petrified...' though."

Me : "Aha.. that's probably right."

God : "Will you sing in front of all of your invited-friends and your soon-to-be-wife?"

Me : "The hell I will."

God : "What song? What song? It's Raining Men?"

Me : [glance viciously at G] "Who do you think I am? Jack McFarland from Will and Grace?"

God : "Hahaha.. No no no.. but now as you said it.. I remember that line from the show that cracked me up."

JACK: You don't even know me that well. Why would you just assume that I was gay? [EVERYONE LAUGHS] Are you finished? Ok. FYI, folks, most people that meet me do not know that I am gay.

WILL: Jack, blind and deaf people know you're gay. Dead people know you're gay.

GRACE: [ENTERING] I'm fine.

WILL: Grace? Did you and Danny have a fight?

GRACE: Yeah, but I-- I don't want to talk about it right now. I can't even think straight.

WILL: That's funny. Neither can Jack.

JACK: Grace, did you know I was gay when you met me?

GRACE: My dog knew.

Me : "Oh yeah. That's a good one."

God : "So... what will you sing?"

Me : "Hm.. I think I'll open by This I promise you, the masterpiece of Richard Marx."

God : "Wow that's great. Oh Oh...! Will you grab your wife's hand when it reaches to 'And I will take you in my arms... and hold you right where you belong...' ?"

Me : "Sure. Why not. I will even go down to fetch her."

God : "Awwww..."

Me : "Shut up! My next song will be Marc Antony's My Baby You."

God : "That one? I cried for an hour after listening to that song. It's so sad."

Me : "No.. no... It's a beautifully-written love song. At the end of the song, I will say "Ariana I feel so alive..." and put my wife's name instead of Ariana... except if I really marry an Ariana."

God : "Oh.. She's not going to be Ariana. She's someone else."

Me : "Okay then. You're the Hiro. Who's it? Cy?"

God : "It's possible. Do you really wanna know?"

Me : "I.. I don't... I... Stop psychoanalyzing me! And I'm pooping stuffs right now... "

God : "Ok.. ok.. I got it. I am very much of a mind reader too, you know?"

Me : "What? You pulled a Matt-Parkman on me?"

God : "Hehe.. No.. Maybe... "

Me : "Okay then. What do you think of my wedding day? Is it special?"

God : " ... '.... the most mind-triumphing extravaganza-ish wedding party the world has ever seen in a decade...' --- N.Y. Times review. "

Me : "Seriously?"

God : "Haha. No." [disappears at once]

Me : "Just when I thought lying is against the law."


Epilogue

[Neverland, computer 12, 7.37 p.m.]

God : "It's a good thing Blogger autosaved this all when it happened huh?"

Me : "Yeah, thanks to them I didn't have to write everything all over again because some stupid blackouts."

God : "Why are you writing all the things I've said to you?"

Me : "I don't know... just so people around the world know that I'm OK."

God : "Are you, now?"

Me : [long pause] "Like what J.K. Rowling said, All was well...














... until you came along."

--o0O0o--

Fire

There is something in your life, you've known it for so long yet you don't understand its meaning completely... until one specific time in your life, that's when you finally understand what it means.

For me, it is a song. An old song by Backstreet Boys. It's called "I want it that way". Someteen years ago, when I first listened to this song, I was only captivated by the tone, the group and the gorgeousness of them, but I didn't catch what the song means.

Today, I finally understand it, completely.

It is a very sad song after all. Why I can suddenly understand it? It's only because I'm living it, every word of it.

You are my fire, The one desire, Believe when I say, I want it that way.

But we are two worlds apart, Can't reach to your heart, When you say, That I want it that way


Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say
I want it that way

Am I your fire, Your one desire, Yes I know it's too late, But I want it that way

Now I can see that we're falling apart
From the way that it used to be
No matter the distance
I want you to know
That deep down inside of me

You [still] are my fire
The one desire
You are
You are, you are, you are

Don't wanna hear you say
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
I never wanna hear you say
I want it that way

Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain't nothin but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say

I want it that way


I don't know if you understand it at all, if you're reading it. Perhaps you can, perhaps you cannot. Perhaps you will be able to when you're living it like me, or perhaps you can understand it if you're the one this song is sung to.

I sang this song yellingly today, hoping it could make me feel worse, so bad that I should never feel like this again. And today when I see [saw] your name, I will not call you.

And it is even not the point. When you see me, will you call me?

.

I remember

I remember when I finally touched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in the palm of my hands. I was so Happy and so eager to come home. To read the book without any disturbances. But that day I had to teach, so I had to wait for 7 hours… the longest hours of my life.

I remember when I finally got my chance reading that book. It was the mixture of exciting, horrifying, nervous, blissful, and tearful. To finally read the greatest book of all time, for that, Thank You, JK Rowling.

I remember when I finally finished reading the book. I was suddenly hopeless and soulless. The greatest thing had lasted. The happiest time had passed. I was sad, didn’t know what I would do without the feeling of waiting Harry Potter’s next book. It’s like some part of me was fleeing from me. I was incomplete. Two days later, I fell sick.

I remember when my throat hurt like hell. It drove a fever to me. I was incapable of lifting myself, both physically and emotionally. I stayed at home and didn’t teach for three days.

I remember when JK Rowling told the world that there could be a new book regarding Harry Potter, a character encyclopedia. I remember when she told us the answers to the unsolved mysteries after the book. I was so relieved, finally a hope rose within me.

I remember two months ago, I was committing myself to accomplish a few to do list. There are some things I’ve accomplished, there are something I haven’t and won’t.

Number one.

I remember telling myself to be more cheerful. I failed. It seemed that I couldn’t defeat the loneliness and boredom inside me, and those surround me. It’s my dream, it’s my deepest desire to conquer both the loneliness and boredom once and for all, because if there’s anything worse than death, they are. I admit that I failed to be more cheerful. Why couldn’t I? It’s simple. I have no friend.

Number two.

I remember asking myself to dye my hair blue. I failed. Though I really like to do that, I couldn’t because it’s expensive, my hair can grow rapidly fast, I have no friend to accompany me, and I’m a teacher. I still wish to do it, later in time, if I have the chance and greater motivation.

Number three.

I remember wanting to watch Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix at the theatre on July 13th. I succeeded. I watched it twice. Looks like I overdid it. But that’s OK. I love the movie.

Number four.

I remember my promise to buy and read Deathly Hallows on 21th July. I sure did. I finished the book in three days (the slowest I could do… really enjoying it).

Number five.

I remember to meet my old friends : Mei, Riwan, Watta, Jacq, HQ. I failed. I only got to reach a couple of them. But at least I tried. Something you just couldn’t do.

Number six.

I remember buying Nip/Tuck season 4. So I did it.

Number seven.

I remember saying to myself to buy some new jackets and clothes. I dare say that I failed thoroughly. After my mom’s cataract surgery, I was sort of broke.

Number eight.

I remember committing myself to exercise more, so I went to gym. I did it. But as time went by, I became so busy that I found it very hard to find the time.

Number nine.

I remember telling myself to go to karaoke and sing some James Blunt’s song at July’s first weekend. I failed, unfortunately. I love singing, but like I’ve told you before… I have no friend to go there. There was a time this plan seemed to work out, but it was too expensive that my that-time-friends wouldn’t do it.

Number ten.

I remember asking myself to memorize the Heavy D song, Now that we’ve found love. I failed, only because that song was too damn fast. I couldn’t keep with it. And the lyrics I’ve found wasn’t complete. In several weeks, I got bored of the song.

Number eleven.

I remember my promise to change the blog layout, but I failed again. I plan to do it though… I have collected the data for it.

Number twelve.

I remember I told myself to meet more people and make new friends. I succeeded. I met some new interesting people from the gym, but they didn’t last for long, so I guess I failed again.

Number thirteen.

I remember my great promise to go to bank more often and save more money. It’s funny, when I have a big motivation on things like this, it turned out I couldn’t keep it. It’s only then my dad borrowed money from me for an emergency of his. I helped him because he’s my dad. That time, I promised not to withdraw more money from my account, and then I found out that my mom had to have a cataract surgery. This time, I drew more money. It’s an inevitable thing. I didn’t regret it and I won’t. But I have to say that I failed again. Today, I promise to heal my financial side. I will work hard.

Number fourteen.

I remember learning to play sodoku. I must say that I ---- the person who likes math and numbers, hated sodoku. I refused to play further because I find it boring. So, I failed. But I didn’t regret it.

Number fifteen.

I remember telling myself to go play bowling or learning how to swim. Just as I thought, I failed. It’s a very sad thing.

Number sixteen.

I remember that day, then I told myself to give up Cy, and be her good friend. I didn’t know the answer to that until today. I FAILED! But it was a complicated failure. I did try to give up my love to Cy, but I really and really couldn’t do it, because I kept thinking back about her. I couldn’t get over her. But then something happened today. I was very disappointed by her. I’ve tried to be a good friend and I have succeeded in doing so for two months, but now, after today, It looked like I have become a bad friend. I was really sorry to see myself unable to do anything to make her happy, but she kept resisting me. She couldn’t see the good in me and I could do anything more to change it. As for today, I am finally able to give up Cy. That I succeed, after all. I just am not being her good friend, anymore.

Number seventeen.

I remember to watch Shrek 3 and Fantastic Four and the Rise of Silver Surfer. I succeeded. I watched Shrek 3 with Riwan, and Fantastic Four with… with… oh.. I have an awful memory.

Number eighteen.

I remember (I don’t know what I was thinking) telling myself to complain less about Indonesia. I sure failed. The blackout torture is still tormenting me. I remember reading someone anonymous wrote in my comment box, stamped me as an “immature fella” for hating my own hometown. I just wished whoever he was to ever experience a life like mine. Then he shall see things in my perspective and know why and how I feel like that. But then again, I will never know that, even if he is living a life like mine. So why bother? I hated Indonesia and I still do. Why? Probably because I hate everything about myself.

Number nineteen.

I remember rereading Harry Potter and the Order of the phoenix before the movie came out. So I succeeded.

Number twenty.

I remember asking myself to do it all, my to-do-list. Let’s see. I succeeded six out of nineteen. I failed 13 of them. So I guess I failed this one. It’s not by choice, and you will for sure disagree. But, I just have to say. If I had the chance, I would have done all of them in one day.


I remember today, after all that has happened, after three weeks absent from this blog, I finally understand how my life always fails me.

I remember thinking and hoping, when I saw a couple on their motorcycles, hugging each other, or a couple holding hands while walking, or cheerful smiles carved on their lips, that I should deserve it as well. Why isn’t it happening to me? Why can’t I?

I remember myself, being very near you today. I was almost there, I was … scared. So I ran away. I am, after all, a pessimist. You don’t see me, so I couldn’t bear to see you. You don’t want me, so I don’t deserve you. Goodbye, Cy.

I remember it clearly when a song from a long time ago sneaked in to my head. Skies are dark it’s time for rain, final call you board the train, heading for tomorrow…

… say it isn’t so, tell me you’re not leaving, say you change your mind now, that I am only dreaming, this is not goodbye, this is starting over, if you wanna know, I don’t wanna let go…

… how can I be smiling like before, when baby you don’t love me anymore...
… how can I be smiling when you’re gone, when baby you don’t love me anymore…

… I’m still alive but hope just died …


I remember when ….

I remember you …

I remember that I failed…

I remember the present, as I am holding it now, the evidence of my foolishness, the proof of my fear, the outcome of my loneliness.
I can’t defeat you, after all… damn loneliness…

I remember everything—the pain, the sorrow—just when I don’t want to remember anymore…

.

What I did

1. Watched The Transformers, reviewed it, and hoped my bike would transform into Bumblebee.

Review :

About the movie, when I first sat there in the first several minutes, thinking how good this movie would be, the preview kicked in. I saw Die Hard 4.0 trailer which was quite awesome (could be more awesome if I hadn't seen it before :D) and I was hoping the next preview would be Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, and so it was. Dream come true. There was a familiar sound like a steel door bang shut, and then there was Dumbledore's voice "There's a storm coming out.." and then somebody whispered "Harry!"

I got too excited, not because I hadn't seen the trailer before, ( I have seen all the versions of HP trailers for like a zillion times), no, but the excitement came from my head, where I realized that it is no longer than 12 days left until the movie. And it kicked me. Wow.. the next film I would be seeing is this. But that's another story later. Now, it's about The Transformers.

The prologue of the movie was quite cool, the camera showed the allspark closely and then we saw it floating in the outer space, heading to earth. It only took that one scene to make me sit there and enjoy the movie. I will give you a very brief review so I can't spoil you.

The story : not bad. We can learn and understand about the why and who eventhough they explained it 30 minutes after the movie. Before that, we got a glimpse of Bumblebee, Frenzy, that helicopter thing whose name I forgot.. hehe.. and they did it in a fashionable way. I was impressed. They didn't bore me.

The special effect : Outstanding! Even if you can't get the main story, you will be blown away with its spectacular effects. It was full with blowing cars, planes, crafts, tanks, and cars again. My mouth was wide opened for most scenes.

The acting : I was surprised to see how good Shia LaBeouf portrayed his character, Sam. Now I get it how is it the movie Disturbia ranked itself in the top of Box Office for several weeks. I had some funny surprise in the beginning of the movie, where a general in charge for the squadron in Qatar was the actor from the TV Series 24. His name is Glenn Morshower, and he played Aaron Pierce in 24. I like his acting skill.

The Robots : They were complicated yet stylish. They were very humanic. They were funny too. The robots were different from the original Transformers, and only several robots were introduced in this movie.

Overall : This movie is a must-see. I think it's the combination of drama, action, comedy, and eye candy, just like Armageddon.. Great summer movie, indeed!

Pictures :

Megatron

Optimus Prime

Bumblebee

2. Met some old friends.

Yeah, this week I met Harianto, Ferry, Riki Lidian, Teddy Salim, Michael, Riwan, Darta, Anita Tanjaya, Willy, Amanta, and some more. I haven't been able to meet Meiwina and Jacq yet, however, but there's still time.

There are several things you wish to happen and several things you wish never to happen whenever you meet your old friends. I thought that I had behaved well enough, but when it comes to meeting an old lady friend, I tend to be speechless and say all the wrong things. And it is not the worst thing. The worst is when I have nothing to say at all. How come, after having wishing to see a very old lady friend, when you meet her, you mess it all up. Ah.. I don't understand what it is that makes me so uncomfortable with ladies.

3. Exercised. Played Ping Pong.

It's a new routine I like to keep up. The first day after I went to gym, my body hurt like hell, so hard to even get up from bed. But the pain vanished in couple of days (three, to be exact). And now, I have found a new hobby, ping pong. When I first touched the bat, I played it like playing badminton. But then I learned how to do it, second by second, minute by minute. And it only took me several minutes to be able to kick my friend's ass. Lol. I don't think I am good in ping pong, but I think I have learnt so fast, too fast in fact, that I was surprised myself to see me suddenly knew how to play it well. Ah.. weird things happens. I played ping pong every time I am in the gym. Enjoy it.

4. Watched Shrek 3 and Fantastic 4.

I did the Silver Surfer long before I finally watched Shrek the Third. Things had happened that postponed me to watch that movie. Over and over again. It's quite a long wait too, since the cinema here had to wait the Pirate to end first before putting Shrek on the schedule. After several obstacles and promises, I have watched it, eventually, though under the circumstances I'd never thought of. But I'm happy to have finished my promise.

SHREK the THIRD REVIEW

I have always loved Shrek because it had presented fresh comedy, parodies, and great songs for me. I always get the laugh out of it. These are some great songs I've known from Shrek.

1. John Cale - Hallelujah (From Shrek One, this song has the greatest lyrics of all time, well, IMO)

2. Counting Crows - Accidentally in love (from the beginning of Shrek 2, this song has a great chemistry. A happy song)

3. Jennifer Saunders - Holding out for a hero (From the climax scenes of Shrek 2, this song is a unique version sang by the actress of the Godmother herself)

4. Frou Frou - Holding out for a hero (from the credit of Shrek 2, this song is... cool!)

I still wait to see what great songs lies inside Shrek the Third. I believe I noticed several when I watched it. The movie is, well.. you know... very funny. I like the way they keep bringing the other children figure into this movie. There are still Pinocchio, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty (who btw, can be found asleep throughout the movie), Captain Hook, The ugly Step sisters, Prince Charming, Three Blinded Mice, Witches, The living trees, cyclops, and more.. If you, by chance, haven't laid eyes on this movie, I suggest you do so.

5. Bought more DVDs.

Hahaha.. this one habit can't extinguish. This week perhaps is the most lavish week of me. I have bought Nip/Tuck season 4, Lost season 2, Smallville season 6, Lost season 3, American Idol season 1-4, and I still plan to buy Six Feet Under season 3 and who knows when I'll give up Prison Break. LOL.

Dudes, don't try to be like me. I am so addicted in TV Series. It's no good. Hah!

6. Closeness.

It's a random thought actually, last night, when I was cursing the damn Electric Company for the constant blackouts, my mind accidentally came across a scene from Friends, when Joey dreamed about him and Monica sharing a romantically closeness (not sex) solving puzzles together, after seeing Chandler and Monica did it earlier. It's a very simple thing, but I realized. I wanted it. To have somebody very close to you and you can share your world with her. Doing minor things together. Just someone to spend the day, spend your time with. Coz it felt like you having someone by your side for all time, feeling bonded and united. I know how it feels although I never have it in my life. The world seems to be enough, no need for everything else. It's just you and me. Just the two of you. You can overcome everything. You don't care about anything at all. Boy, I want it.

7. Writing something new.

The most important thing I did this week was creating a whole new document that was so confidential I can never put signs in this blog other than this. I wanted to spill everything about Cy on one place. After doing so, I felt relieved. But then, I can never speak about it. And that's a whole new challenge. Keeping my mouth shut. Will I be able to do it? I shall see.

Funny Ha Ha

When I watched Funny Ha Ha earlier today, I would never thought I could think this way : "Nah, that seals it! I'm gonna be like Marnie!"

This is one of the movie which when you start to watch it, you have two options to do next, either keep watching a plotless drama for ninety minutes or just shut it off. Though most people would take option number two, I eagerly watched the whole thing, coz I didn't find this movie any good, I found it amazing!

As a movie which shows reality as the way it is really lived, I felt so attached to this film. It's about a life of an ordinary girl, living a very ordinary life in Boston, Massachusetts.. It's so far from here, but everything seems to be similiar. It's a nice feeling watching a movie that very much like your current living situation.

After finishing watching it, I thought about a lot of things. Life has no plot, has no ending, so you won't be spoiled. But yet it's so damn complicated. Friends they come and go. One minute you're with them, but the other minute they've married. Some lie, some tell you the truth. Life is a land of awkwardness. Conversations are filled with awkward laughthers, misunderstandings, and mistakes. It's hard to communicate to each other when everything you say means a hundred new meanings. This is what this movie is like. This is why I like it.

I have been showered by the urge to find my happiness back. A hope that has been blown away. I promised that today I would do a few different things and look at things in a very different ways. I promised myself not to dwell in sadness no more, that I would lead a new chapter, again, just to find the simple thing that has gone away. My hope.

Funny Ha Ha trailer

Marnie wrote down a list of things to do. Few of them were to learn to play chess, spend more time outside, be friends with Jackie, and a lot more. I thought of it myself. Why can't I?

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same

You're gone from here
Soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
'cos everybody's changing
And I don't feel right

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same

If I am to make changes in me, now it's the best start. And so I will. Coz everybody changes. My friends, my job, my life, the world... and now, it's my turn.

My To Do List
1. Be more cheerful.
2. Find new people and make new friends.
3. Save more money and go to bank
4. Give up Cy. Be a good friend.
5. Buy Nip/Tuck Season 4
6. Watch Shrek 3 and Fantastic 4 [Rise of Silver Surfer]
7. Do more exercise
8. Meet old friends such as HQ, Mei, Jacq, Watta, etc
9. Complain less about Indonesia
10. Reread Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Beautiful Marnie in the film

Thingamajig : no big deal

Today I woke up at 12. That is awfully unusual for me. When the sun poured strongly upon my bed, I didn't want to wake up. But I couldn't stay any longer. My arm was killing me. I didn't wanna wake up because I had nothing to do. No plan whatsoever. It was so miserable to feel so empty when a new day welcomed you. It is a real shame to live in a no-hope path of your life knowing everything could be different in your dream or in your alternate realities, just because you did the wrong thing, picked the wrong way.

My right arm is struggling to get off my shoulder. This whole day felt like a big giant torture. My body rejected everything put inside my mouth. I have lost my appetite for the whole reason I didn't know about. I haven't eaten since morning. I suffered from several sudden anginas throughout the day. It'd be no shock at all if I die unexpectedly while teaching or driving. I ignored most calls and messages sent to my phone. I have't smile for a day and either my cheek has been numb or my brain cells have been dead during a weird dream I had last night.

I chose to talk to people less today. I forgot today's date and time. I forgot my previous plans and reasons. I didn't know what I was hoping for. I wanted to meet people so badly that I didn't want to anymore. I wanted to write an entry, copying all my thoughts into real sentences but I didn't want to anymore.

I don't want to worry you and some other random human reading this blog. I don't want you all to comment and ask me how I am doing because I know exactly what I gonna say to you. It's fine. I'm fine. Don't worry about me. It is no big deal. You don't want to believe it and you can't. Coz the world has gone all wrong and upside down.

In this sour silent night with doubts and disappointments soaring above my head, there seems like nothing in this world can bring back to me the cheerfulness that crossed my heart a few nights back. It’s so painful to recognize the only thing you want in this world and yet you can’t seem to reach it. Seems like an illusion against the eye and soul, reaping the bliss and eating away its hope. Like a velvety kiss from a dementor, slowly sucks your very core of your spirit and leaves your soulless body rotting in the hot rough earth.

Songs and lyrics are flying piercingly ricocheting off the wall and back. My brain is confused with verses and meanings those shockingly penetrate my heart deeply than anything I can imagine.

I walk across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
sat by the river and it made me complete
oh simple things where have you gone

so tell me when you’re gonna let me in
I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

is this the place you used to love?
is this the place that I’ve been dreaming of?

and if you have a minute why don’t we go
talk about it somewhere only we know
this could be the end of everything
so why don’t we go
somewhere only we know

It’s funny when sometimes you feel like you a song can describe your feelings better than your brain does. But it’s not always like that. Once in a while, you’ll realize that there’s something missing from that song, incorrect or incompletely written.

It is a very nice thing to go to some place only we both know and talk about it all because it will be the end of everything. You’ll need a serious talk mouth to mouth, heart to heart. No more lies and no more shame. But then you think, or have you ever thought this way? There is no place. There is no place for only two of us because we never exist. We never exist because you don’t want it to. You don’t want it to because I am not good enough for you to. I am not good enough for you because you never make me to. So it’s all your fault. If there is one thing I am sure will happen once you believe me and once you have faith in me… it would be that you’ll never regret it. My promise is stronger than steel. My promise is harder than gold. And my feelings to you are incomparably genuine. I just can’t believe you didn’t see that, after all we’ve been through.

Songs can make you do impulsive things, you know. They can spur your anger out of the system, bottle your sadness for a minute, or spawn regrets out of your so-naive heart. Loud and Clear, you just wish you didn't do everything you had done. A terrible mistake for the search of happiness.

I hope that you miss me
Put me down on history
I feel such a reject now
Get yourself a life
I hope that you're sorry
For not accepting me
For not adoring me

I remember there was
Nothing I could ever do
Never could impress you
Even if I tried

People are stranger
People in danger
People are stranger
People deranged

Loud and clear I make my point my dear

I hope that you never
Get the things you wanted to
Now I cast a spell on you
Complicate your life
Hope you get a puncture
Everywhere you ever drive
Hope the sun beats down on you and
Skin youself alive

It's unmistakenable the cruelest song I've ever known. But at the moment I listened to this song and craved for a little justice over life, it practically sounded right. The hell with the karma, the Yin and Yang nonsense. There is no balance in this world. There is no fairness in my life. Then what's wrong on wanting some?

People often pass through your life for one second to say what they thought you should know. It's a thought, an advice, a stupid argument which makes you petrified for a while. They ask you to do this, not to do that... "you can't do that." ... "I hope you don't do this." and you think they're right. I thought they're right. I thought you're right.

But you're just full of it! You're just full of BULLSHIT, Cy. You do what you wanna do. You say what you wanna say. Have you ever stopped for just ONE freakin' second and think about what I want? NO! You self-centered self-interested egotistical arrogant piece of shit! What if you're the one who lives in this life? What if we switch lives? Switch body! And then probably you'd learn of how to live a lonely life. OH nooo, no no. Not that normal lonely life you and everybody claimed to live. This is full-circledly different! Even worse than living by yourself in a deserted island like old Tom Hanks did! Worse! You'll be surrounded by a number of your friends, couples, the most horrific thoughts you think you couldn't imagine. And then you'll be invisible to them, like a grab of sand on the beach. You are nothing in this world. Yelling to be recognized, hoping you'll be accompanied.

Sometimes there is a child or a young girl squating next to you, touch you with both of her hands, holding you tight as if letting you go is the last thing she would do. You're feeling warm and safe inside her, not cold for the water won't be soaking you ever again since you've left it and soar above, high. The wind blows through your body and make you cold. Not the old cold, but the new cold. It's new, It's exciting. A vibration of feeling that you have never felt before.

And you wish you'll never be let go. But that wasn't your choice to make. She is getting bored and bored by your monotonous grains. And that's when she lets you fall. Throw you back into the invisible world. You'll never be seen again, for your entire life.

Now, have you learned what life I've been living in?

Coz if you--the one person I thought who understands me--abandon me like that, then I shall have no choice but to do the same to you. Despite of my powerlessness towards you, I still am a person with a solid feeling. But it feels hollower each moment I think of you. Why eating me away when you promised me that you wouldn't? You asked if I'm happy, I'm unhappy. And this is too big for me. I don't wanna lose you but I can't go on.

Now forget everything that I've said. Forget all about reading this entry. This page is not exist. Now you know how it is to feel confused and incomprehensible, like I am everyday.

Old School

Two days ago, I got a text message from someone I didn’t know. The number +62818******* appeared below a very stupid yet interesting line :

“Good afternoon. Can I do anything for you?”

Wakz. What the hell? Who is this person? Is he lost? Is he a God? Or pretend to be? Or is he a she?

And so I replied :

“Good afternoon. Yes, you can. Please buy me a notebook, stranger.”



Few minutes later, there were two replies.

“Here, I bought you a "notebook".”

"Been a very arrogant person, haven't you? I'm here in town and you don't even call me."



Frowning, since I didn't know whose number that was, I replied hastily. This was the next conversation.



Me : "Haha. Who are you? I didn't know this number."



Stranger : "I'm Candy ar... Somse..."



Me : "Haiya, how should I know? You used a random number and suddenly asked me if you could do anything for me. So what's up? In Medan, aren't you?"



(by that time, I really thought she was Candy though a little confused, since I knew two Candys. One in Medan, and one in Malaysia. But I thought she couldn't be Malaysian, judging by her way of speaking."



Candy : "You turned to be so humourless. Where to go? I have unlimited free time."



Me : "And you have too much humour I couldn't understand no more.My work will be finished in 2 days' time. So Thrusday or Friday shall do it. What do you think?"



Candy : "Thursday I will go to Mikie Holiday with friends. How are you doing?" (and yet she said to have unlimited free time :P)



Me : "Me? I have been so busy that I've been bored, stressed out, tired, depressed, and fat. So to summarize, I am being spectacular! Hehe. What about you?"



Candy : "Not soo good. Usual, you know.. love problem. And what about your love problem?"



(and at this point, I was slightly wondering... the Candy I know isn't this straight forward. She was kinda introvert and very religious.)



Me : (answering her question) "Have you ever known someone so right to you that you knew it at once? But on the other hand, she didn't feel the same?"



Candy (?) : "Why? Maybe it's not about not feeling the same, maybe it's about not brave enough to confess it? If it were me, as a girl, guys must come first! Are this happening to you? You can share it with me, you know?"



Me : "Not brave enough, yes. But probably also 'not interested' is written all over her face. How can I know how she feels? Can you help?"



Candy (??) : "I can help you. Step One : Tell me about her. Who's she? What is she look like? Where did you meet?"



(Well, I was quite hesitated to tell her everything since I was starting to suspect if she really was Candy. So I made it cryptic.)



Me : "She's my old friend. And I think we're pretty close. Her name is Cy."



Candy (???) : "You mean, she is .. me...."



When I read this, I was half surprised and half laughing for a second... before I was laughing and NOT surprised anymore. She couldn't be Candy. Candy I knew wasn't this GR and this straight for.. just not this way.



Me : "Ha? No ar.. Her name is Sherry. I called Cy because that's her nick online. Cy = Cyber."



I was lying to say her name was Sherry. I don't know a Sherry. There was no way I would tell her or whoever this person, the real name of Cy. She's definitely lying to me too, I just didn't know who she was and I had no proof.



NOT Candy : "You scared me. Cy... Candy... but I am happy if it were me. Btw, is she from Sutomo 1? Same class? Same year?"



I thought I should keep playing with him/her, until I find his/her real identity. I was vaguely familiar with the phone number.. wondering where I have seen it.



Me : "You scared me there too. If she was Candy, would that be you'd accept me? :P She's in the same school with me."



Definitely NOT Candy : "Since when you two in one class? Since when you two be closed to each other?"



(Frowning again.. and then continued lying... )



The Lying Me : "Why do you ask so many questions? What if we meet and talk about it tomorrow. I have free time from 12 to 5."



(See how he got out of this one.)



NOT Candy : "If I don't ask, how can I help? Ok. But Where?"



Me : "Whereever you want. Sun Plaza is good. We can talk in foodcourt. Lunch together?"



NOT Candy : "OK. But you text me before you go. Off to sleep now. Nite."



Me : "OK. I will call you at 12 t'morrow. Nite. Cya."



And when I thought she wouldn't reply..



DEFINITELY NOT CANDY : "Just text me. Good nite..."







That's when my suspicious became very clear. She wouldn't have me called her because she didn't want me to hear her not-Candy voice. Maybe a guys' voice. Probably a guy.



So I checked my phonebook to see if I could match a name with the number. At midnight, I got it. HE was my old friend from High School, used to tease poeple and play mind games with them. Hehehe.. One of my best friends, though.



The reason I didn't know before is because his number was duplicated in my phone's contact list. And therefore his name couldn't appear eventhough he's on that list. But that made me think, why was he so stupid to screw with me with his phone number he knew I knew? Perhaps he didn't mean to screw me before. Perhaps he was surprised I didn't know his number and then an idea came to his mind. Yeah.. perhaps that. :P



So the next day, I went to Sun Plaza at the promised time. He was one hour too late. I was waiting in Gramedia Bookstore for him. After feeling numb and annoyed, I got out and walked around the building. I tried calling him. Wanted to see how he reacted. As I had suspected, he nudged my calls and ignored them completely. I was getting more certain that he's a hoax. And then, at 2 p.m. as I was spying the Gramedia from a distant, I finally got my proof. I saw my dear old friend...

.

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... the Great Master of Screwing People Budi Chandra, except he was failed this time. Sort of... :D

At the end, we just hung out and talked. After one year and four months since we last spoke face to face, he was quite mean to call me "at the second day before he went back Bandung". He had been back to Medan for a week and more without me knowing. What a bastard. Hahaha.

And this is him. Actually, I just wanted to take the Baskin Robbins but his stupid face sneaked in. Haha..

I know he'll be furious to see me putting his picture here.. hahaha.. If you read this.. Hello Chan *waving..*

I don't have my pictures here. I'm not that narcistic! ^.^ V

At last.. it's just great meeting old friends. It's a shame it's only him and not the whole gang. It'd be fun.

Cyber L : Promise. Will it be?

The Cyber Life, it can give you a cyber friend, a cyber enemy, or a cyber love.

I used to believe any kind of relationship between anykind of two people in any circumstances, is real. You can count on it to really happen in your real life, because it is a real life, no matter how cyber-ish it is. A friend from cyber world is a real friend. A crush from cyber world has a great opportunity to materialize in the real life. I used to believe that everything will work its way out. Because it has to. They are two different but well linked with each other. I used to believe that cyber love is a real love you can count on. I don't think I do anymore.

However hard I've tried, whatever way I choose to turn it back, I can't help myself but to think my cyber life has been only cyber... after all. It's not real.

Since a long time ago, I've found many people thru the cyber life, the internet. They've all got their own uniqueness. They were all special and changed my life in some ways I never guessed would be. There were NV, Arion, and Cy. But the greatest effects -- and by far the cruelest -- is Cy.

I met Cy a few years back. She was amazingly unique and she's a whole person. At first I didn't pay her much attention, because I was so lost for someone back then. Someone in my real life. That someone didn't work out. Though that someone lived in the real world, but I knew that hers was a very different world than mine. That's when I used some almost-stranger Cy to distract me, as a rebound or something. Quite successful. I was distracted. Instead, I learnt about her life and more about mine. What's more was our seemingly connected life. It was weird but was felt real.

Then I started to obsess with her. Began to be more active in my cyber life, now that it could bring me some happiness I couldn't find elsewhere.

I was deeply infatuated. I did all the things that would connect me to her even more. I used her as a tool to gain happiness and relieve. I adored her and began to put hope of myself on her. But sometimes when I knew that it was all inside a computer, that all of it was written and said over a monitor, I realized something. That even this was far more worse than "that someone" before. This had no future whatsoever. Was it? No, I didn't think so, since she and I lived with a very wide distant between us. But I chose to ignore it. I wouldn't want my flame of hope to extinguish. Not yet.

But then, life happened. Coincidence mattered. I couldn't be happier. Finally, after a long time waiting for the impossible to happen, I could melt the wall between us and turn the 'cyber' curse into a real life opportunity. There was finally a possibility--though very slight, that she and I could be together.

That's when Cy changed.

There is something I don't understand about her. And that something makes me unable to be there for her. That something draws us apart. We can't be together. Not now. I confused and disappointed.

Does cyber love always stay cyber? Can't it be brought to my real life. Can't I live my cyber life, and just that? Perhaps I was wrong to believe. Perhaps all the things I've felt and gone thru was a disguise, a lie, or perhaps she's only a masquerader to fulfill my semi-hope which was, hopeless in the end.

or perhaps she's goddamn real and she just doesn't want me. Yeah. That's probably it. I mean, look at me. The story of my life. Haven't I lived a true life before? Where all the challenges and excitements do happen in my dear life?

No, they don't. They never happen. So why should this?

Today I listen to a song which is full of hope. This song touches me, breaks my heart when I see how it resembles this case. Though I can't say it to you clearly and openly, I hope this cryptic entry changes something. Perhaps when a miracle caress your shoulder and point your eyes on to this... you shall know... this ... this thing I can't say. This impossible thing about you and me, Cy.

When you're close to tears remember

Some day it'll all be over

One day 'we're gonna get so high

And though it's darker than December

What's ahead is a different colour

One day 'we're gonna get so high

I still believe in us, Cy. And I do believe in this song...

Don't you think it's time you started

Doing what we always wanted

One day 'we're gonna get so high

'Cause even the impossible is easy

When we got each other

One day 'we're gonna get so high

And at...

The end of the day

We'll remember the days

We were close to the edge

And we'll wonder how we made it through

And at...

The end of the day

We'll remember the way

We stayed so close to till the end

We'll remember it was me and you

'Cause we are gonna be forever you and me

You will always keep me flying high in the sky of love

I hold the cyber life inside of me, why do you hold the real one?