I Can Let Go

Do you remember that time in your life, when you've been through so much in the recent past and the you look back to your long gone past, and say to yourself :

"How could I feel that way?"

"How could I have done that?"

"Why did I go through with it?"

"How come I fell for her?"

"How miserable I was back then."

"Why?"

and another "Why?"

***

I'm doing some thinking recently. In fact, I've been doing lots and lots of thinking. My life has changed so much, as I know it. I've been improving. My life has been improving, if I am to compare my life back in 2004, 2005, until 2007. Yeah, I say 2008 is not a bad year. It's not as bad year as those years I mentioned.

In 2004, I was living in a mess of uncertainty, not knowing where or what to do. I didn't have anything good to hold on to. Friends came and went away. My life, as I had feared, was unbalanced. I'm talking about the time I was in Jakarta.

In 2005, I was beginning to put it together, a job, a house, a stability. It's a good year, better than the previous, at least. I met some old friends, and then the plane crash arc happened, and once again I was obsessed with things I should have known better not to be.

In the period of 2006 until 2007, I was a total wreck, talking about suicides, desperately wishing for a little hope as my life was all about routines and boredoms. Loneliness caught me in the very bad times of my life. I think it was the time I started gaining weight.

Some time in 2008, I had the turning point of my life. I finally decided to be more happy. I eventually found a way to ease my loneliness. I was fighting, like hell, to stay happy. I think it was the biggest challenge. But I think I managed it. Indeed, I became more happy than I was before. Life became better in spite of my unchanged reality. I tried to make the best of everything. I tried to forget Cy. I am happy to say that I think I already have, though at a price of disliking her.

Some time ago, I was surfing to see lots of pictures of my infatuations. Remember USA. It was my biggest highschool infatuation. I liked her big deal that I remember claiming that I loved her. I told her about my feeling in the most pathetic way any man could do. She rejected me, of course. Since then, I banned her from my life, only to find myself acting awkward everytime I saw her.

Why am I telling this?

Because a few days ago, I saw her again, and guess what : I ain't feeling anything anymore.

I tried to see another people, like Avie, Cy, and others I've liked before.

Nope.

I don't feel anything anymore to them.

I have evolved, I realize. I'm not being arrogant or anything. Just wanna remember this feeling, a feeling when I think I can let go my past. This is the time when everything will change.

I have changed.

***

Today, I am stressed out by the behaviour of both my students and my anti virus.

I think it turns out that my life hasn't changed too much. It is I who changed. My life will stay the same right about now.But I believe, if I change myself to be better, and keep on doing that, like what I've been doing this whole year, I believe that my life will follow me to the brighter side.

That's all I need to say right now.