The Summary

As promised, I’ve returned. Today’s March 25th. Apparently, I’ve written this three times already. The first two was deleted automatically as the computer in front of me shut down due to the two damn blackouts. I had to rewrite and retype everything I’ve typed before. It’s very annoying. And each time, I became more forgetful of what I was trying to say. And now, I’m wordless.

Let me think back for a moment. My anger just spurred again, and I have to control it first before I can type this.

OK. I won’t type all the same details—which have been as blank as this white sheet. The bottom line was that today, was a failure. I slept last night with a small hope for today to turn any different. I was wrong. I was—as always—disappointed. She disappointed me yet again. And what I mean by she—is the whole living girl in my lifetime. I’ve tired of waiting, of bearing, of living it all.

I knew that I didn’t put much hope in it. But either way, I was forced to live another tedious day, same old day.

Actually, I was thinking about not discussing my pain, for it wouldn’t do me any better. Complaining about it wouldn’t make me feel better. So for today’s post, I wanted to create a little post of which I thought to be a brief summary for the not-too-very-far past of mine.

The Cat Fight

So you know that I’ve been fighting against my own self for these past few weeks. It was horrible. It was a battle of emotions, of which I’d become so vicious and nefarious. I wanted to explain it to you folks, and I wanted to describe how it was… how malicious I’ve become. I’ve tried to put it in several ways, and all I found was a dead end. At last, I realized that if I wanted you all to really understand how I feel—how it went—then the only way was to show you all directly.

I should warn you—the fainthearted you, that what you are about to see is an extremely irritably disturbing video about the battle of me myself. Either you find this line very troubling, or you are in no good enough condition to watch it, I suggest you to back off. I am NOT responsible for any traumas, nightmares, or sudden changes of behaviors this video might cause.



[If the video won't play (I don't know why) , go to this link directly : http://s38.photobucket.com/albums/e131/el_leaved/?action=view¤t=catfight.flv]

Got the idea?

The Confession of The Undying Love

This one right here, played a big annoying part in my terrible weeks. Love, I almost lost faith in it. Every time a true man with his true love and loyalty craves for a love from a girl who actually isn’t worth sacrificing, I always know the end of that story—for that had always been mine.

I hate the part where the stupid girl playing hard-to-get. I mean, if you can see what’s good from the man, then SAY IT. If you can’t, then don’t play games with him. Love is NOT a game. Idiot.

I hate the part where the stupid girl making lame excuses just to push the man off. I mean, If you don’t want him, then just SAY SO. Don’t give him hope. That was worse than yelling at him to FUCK OFF!

I hate the part where the man has to give everything in the world’s possessions and has to do everything just to prove her that he loves her, and then even THAT is still not enough. You will at last understand just how good the man is for you AFTER he leaves you. You can NOT know now, but you WON’T if you act like that.

The Fakeness and The Hope

You know, as bad as it was for me, those few weeks of hell, at the end of each day, I would say to myself… “Before, I thought that today had been the worst of all, that it could not get worse, but I was wrong. This is worse.”

And I would say that exact same line the next day, and the next day after. It’s like I found a new low to sink in every day, or I just babbling with no sense.

I was a real man, was not I?

Yeah… all the people I’d asked answered me that way, it’s either because I was indeed that way, or it was said just to piss me off. I don’t know. For me, I was a real man, and that hurt the most. That was the ironic part, too—because I lived and am living in an imaginative reality.

I felt like I was hunting myself down. I searched and searched for the evil side of me and kept finding the my-claimed-good side of me. What the heck was that about?

I just hoped as time went by, I could find myself in a fortunate circumstance. Perhaps with a flock of beautiful angels surrounding me, or perhaps a peaceful apartment with glass-made walls and cozy couches, or perhaps just a constant shining red glow showering me above the warmth and relief.

pick one, won’t ya?

But for what it’s worth, living in a disguise wasn’t a really bad option, too. You could be away from your life for a moment. That’s a good thing, isn’t it? I don’t know, my break hasn’t exactly turned out to be the best idea of mine. But at least we could get a laugh out of it.

You know, it's good to be like this :


[If the video won't play (I don't know why) , go to this link directly : http://s38.photobucket.com/albums/e131/el_leaved/?action=view&current=Ohjesus.flv]

Oh, I’m an atheist. So I don’t mind. :P


The Acquaintances

The saddest part of break-ing was that you had no friend there to lift you up. Do you know why Tom Hanks risked his life to save a volley ball from being drowned? It’s because four years without someone to talk to, is exactly like having three weeks without someone who understand you.

No?

Yeah, —ignoring all your chatters and frowning looks— yeah.. it’s the same. Believe me.

But if there was a friend there to support me through those days, who would it be?

him?

Or him?

or perhaps him?

or maybe this sad-looking guy?

or probably one of these four?

or should I pick one of these foreign strangers?

no? One of this guys? C’mon, talk to me.

Is it her? It's definitely her!

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Uh, don’t tell me it’s her.

Ah, I should find out later. I am so tired now. I think I’m gonna take off. This summary has not been a very successful one, has it? Life isn’t about summarizing things from the past, it’s about making jokes out of it.

See you in my next post.

Bye.

Er..

Why are you looking at me like that?