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Thursday, June 14, 2007

Thingamajig : no big deal

Today I woke up at 12. That is awfully unusual for me. When the sun poured strongly upon my bed, I didn't want to wake up. But I couldn't stay any longer. My arm was killing me. I didn't wanna wake up because I had nothing to do. No plan whatsoever. It was so miserable to feel so empty when a new day welcomed you. It is a real shame to live in a no-hope path of your life knowing everything could be different in your dream or in your alternate realities, just because you did the wrong thing, picked the wrong way.

My right arm is struggling to get off my shoulder. This whole day felt like a big giant torture. My body rejected everything put inside my mouth. I have lost my appetite for the whole reason I didn't know about. I haven't eaten since morning. I suffered from several sudden anginas throughout the day. It'd be no shock at all if I die unexpectedly while teaching or driving. I ignored most calls and messages sent to my phone. I have't smile for a day and either my cheek has been numb or my brain cells have been dead during a weird dream I had last night.

I chose to talk to people less today. I forgot today's date and time. I forgot my previous plans and reasons. I didn't know what I was hoping for. I wanted to meet people so badly that I didn't want to anymore. I wanted to write an entry, copying all my thoughts into real sentences but I didn't want to anymore.

I don't want to worry you and some other random human reading this blog. I don't want you all to comment and ask me how I am doing because I know exactly what I gonna say to you. It's fine. I'm fine. Don't worry about me. It is no big deal. You don't want to believe it and you can't. Coz the world has gone all wrong and upside down.

In this sour silent night with doubts and disappointments soaring above my head, there seems like nothing in this world can bring back to me the cheerfulness that crossed my heart a few nights back. It’s so painful to recognize the only thing you want in this world and yet you can’t seem to reach it. Seems like an illusion against the eye and soul, reaping the bliss and eating away its hope. Like a velvety kiss from a dementor, slowly sucks your very core of your spirit and leaves your soulless body rotting in the hot rough earth.

Songs and lyrics are flying piercingly ricocheting off the wall and back. My brain is confused with verses and meanings those shockingly penetrate my heart deeply than anything I can imagine.

I walk across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
sat by the river and it made me complete
oh simple things where have you gone

so tell me when you’re gonna let me in
I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

is this the place you used to love?
is this the place that I’ve been dreaming of?

and if you have a minute why don’t we go
talk about it somewhere only we know
this could be the end of everything
so why don’t we go
somewhere only we know

It’s funny when sometimes you feel like you a song can describe your feelings better than your brain does. But it’s not always like that. Once in a while, you’ll realize that there’s something missing from that song, incorrect or incompletely written.

It is a very nice thing to go to some place only we both know and talk about it all because it will be the end of everything. You’ll need a serious talk mouth to mouth, heart to heart. No more lies and no more shame. But then you think, or have you ever thought this way? There is no place. There is no place for only two of us because we never exist. We never exist because you don’t want it to. You don’t want it to because I am not good enough for you to. I am not good enough for you because you never make me to. So it’s all your fault. If there is one thing I am sure will happen once you believe me and once you have faith in me… it would be that you’ll never regret it. My promise is stronger than steel. My promise is harder than gold. And my feelings to you are incomparably genuine. I just can’t believe you didn’t see that, after all we’ve been through.

Songs can make you do impulsive things, you know. They can spur your anger out of the system, bottle your sadness for a minute, or spawn regrets out of your so-naive heart. Loud and Clear, you just wish you didn't do everything you had done. A terrible mistake for the search of happiness.

I hope that you miss me
Put me down on history
I feel such a reject now
Get yourself a life
I hope that you're sorry
For not accepting me
For not adoring me

I remember there was
Nothing I could ever do
Never could impress you
Even if I tried

People are stranger
People in danger
People are stranger
People deranged

Loud and clear I make my point my dear

I hope that you never
Get the things you wanted to
Now I cast a spell on you
Complicate your life
Hope you get a puncture
Everywhere you ever drive
Hope the sun beats down on you and
Skin youself alive

It's unmistakenable the cruelest song I've ever known. But at the moment I listened to this song and craved for a little justice over life, it practically sounded right. The hell with the karma, the Yin and Yang nonsense. There is no balance in this world. There is no fairness in my life. Then what's wrong on wanting some?

People often pass through your life for one second to say what they thought you should know. It's a thought, an advice, a stupid argument which makes you petrified for a while. They ask you to do this, not to do that... "you can't do that." ... "I hope you don't do this." and you think they're right. I thought they're right. I thought you're right.

But you're just full of it! You're just full of BULLSHIT, Cy. You do what you wanna do. You say what you wanna say. Have you ever stopped for just ONE freakin' second and think about what I want? NO! You self-centered self-interested egotistical arrogant piece of shit! What if you're the one who lives in this life? What if we switch lives? Switch body! And then probably you'd learn of how to live a lonely life. OH nooo, no no. Not that normal lonely life you and everybody claimed to live. This is full-circledly different! Even worse than living by yourself in a deserted island like old Tom Hanks did! Worse! You'll be surrounded by a number of your friends, couples, the most horrific thoughts you think you couldn't imagine. And then you'll be invisible to them, like a grab of sand on the beach. You are nothing in this world. Yelling to be recognized, hoping you'll be accompanied.

Sometimes there is a child or a young girl squating next to you, touch you with both of her hands, holding you tight as if letting you go is the last thing she would do. You're feeling warm and safe inside her, not cold for the water won't be soaking you ever again since you've left it and soar above, high. The wind blows through your body and make you cold. Not the old cold, but the new cold. It's new, It's exciting. A vibration of feeling that you have never felt before.

And you wish you'll never be let go. But that wasn't your choice to make. She is getting bored and bored by your monotonous grains. And that's when she lets you fall. Throw you back into the invisible world. You'll never be seen again, for your entire life.

Now, have you learned what life I've been living in?

Coz if you--the one person I thought who understands me--abandon me like that, then I shall have no choice but to do the same to you. Despite of my powerlessness towards you, I still am a person with a solid feeling. But it feels hollower each moment I think of you. Why eating me away when you promised me that you wouldn't? You asked if I'm happy, I'm unhappy. And this is too big for me. I don't wanna lose you but I can't go on.

Now forget everything that I've said. Forget all about reading this entry. This page is not exist. Now you know how it is to feel confused and incomprehensible, like I am everyday.

1 comment:

  1. soliloquist, from ur post, i see the ur life is dark, -ve and full with resentment.

    I hope there is sth now, that can change ur sta of mind, a turning point for u..change ur life into soemthing meaningful, bright and +ve.

    life is hard. Dont make it harder with those thought!

    if, u really dont know where to put ur faith/trust in, u could try God ( any God, btw, im not too religious)

    Thing and people alwes change!

    just prepare urself to encounter everything in life.

    Try to live up ur live~~

    love ya,