Capricious

Today started with a heavy rain and ended with another one. I was wet the whole day, caught in traffic jam for more than an hour in the humid morning, working and working tediously, and then headed home and bought some lunch, usual menus but with a shrimp pie (it’s weird, I don’t remember I like shrimp), was watching Friends and laughing, usual usual… boring boring… and then took a little nap, got ready, and the went for another shift of another tiresome work. It was raining again, quite as heavily as before, my jacket got all soaked again, reached there on time, working and working, usual usual… boring boring… two hours finally crawled away, I was glad to have some free time, went to never land, online for a little bit, played some games, chatted with some friends for a little while, ranked up at the first place, and had some fresh tea. And the time had flown away. It’s seven o’clock already, and it’s drizzling outside. I turned my bike to the final shift today, hopefully the final class this year, but on the way, the drizzle’s gotten madder. Someone poured down a sea of water from the sky (for the third time today). I stopped to put my raincoat on. Reached there all sopping and dripping. Taught some ungrateful lots, had some stress relieved after I’d realized that that was indeed the final class this year. Two hours later, the big storm had turn into another light rain. I drove to a café nearby, ordered some dinner at ten. Chatted with some friends and a beautiful girl there. Wished to know her a little better, but I knew I better shouldn’t. Waited for the rain to stop. Was teasing about life and how simple it was and yet too damn complicated. And finally headed back home safely and called it a day. A usual boring and predictable day.



And now the unpredictable part. Today has got me thinking about a lot of things. I was listening to Clay Aiken’s When You Say You Love Me, and I found it very entertaining with absolutely no reason at all. Well, I know I had liked this song since a year ago, but that’s not the reason why this song affected me this much. Then I listened to its lyrics.

(♪) I've been watching you, from a far and the way you make your way around the bar. You laugh like you’re really entertained and you smile like it’s your favorite game. Now you’re moving closer to me and our eyes are connected emotionally. I'm not looking for a one night stand, or a place for a broken heart to mend, I know everybody here wants to hold ya. I know what it's like ‘cause I feel the same. When you look in my eyes there's a part of me that's still afraid. (♪)

It was no good explanation of why I suddenly liked this song. The connotation of this song was not fitting for me at the moment. There was absolutely no reason. But perhaps this song’s eager melody was the one that affected me, made me delirious about a normal happy life, but not a predictable and dull one, a capricious one.

Christmas is near. That’s the day of nothing special in case you never heard of it. On this day, there’s a stupid old man called Santa who delivered a bunch of fake presents and prevaricated and lied to every stupid kid about his existence. And most kids do trust this crap. This is the day of fakeness where an idiot beardy guy named Jesus was born in a barn and we are supposed to celebrate him by hanging our socks above our fireplace and expect for some stupid gifts. Well, loathe me if you must—for ruining your Christmas spirit. I maybe like Chandler awaiting his thanksgiving, but here is something capricious: this year, believe it or not, I am looking forward to my Christmas day, though I have nothing special planned for it. And looking back at my previous Christmases, I shall not beg to differ. But this year maybe different, I don’t know why. It’s just I think that something may happen to me, the thought of me doing something… something.

Earlier, I watched a scene on Friends about Chandler and Monica. They have married, and they were meeting with Chandler’s boss at work, Doug. They didn’t like Doug at all, really not into the idea of the three of them having dinner. So Chandler told Doug, lied to him actually, that he and Monica had split up and there forth they couldn’t have the dinner. Doug took it more seriously than Chandler. He insisted Chandler to go to sleazy bars and strip clubs instead. He forced him to give up his engagement ring and throw it to the ocean. The aftermath was Chandler having a sorrowful simulation of life with no Monica in it.

And so he came home, all smelly and tequila-ish. He then told Monica what had happened. Here’s the conversation I’ll never forget:

Monica : Where have you been?

Chandler : It was awful. To get out of going dinner with Doug, I told him that you and I had split up. So then he took me to these strip clubs and sleazy bars. And then, when I wouldn’t give my weeding ring, he threw a soda can on a bird.

Monica : Come here… (she hugged him)

Chandler : You know what the worst part was? I got to see what my life would be without you. You know what, it’s like “It’s a wonderful life, with lap dances.” (he grabbed her hands and looked at her eyes deeply) Please promise me, that you’ll never leave me, that we will grow old together, and be with each other for the rest of our lives.

Monica : (smiling and tilting her head gorgeously) I promise.

And now I really don’t know what to say. You read it all carefully. You understand it. I won’t need to tell you anything. It’s pretty obvious what I want to say. I just can’t rearrange any sentences no more…

Tomorrow is Mother’s day. It is also my first free day. I don’t have anything to give, to say, or to do about all that, except just writing this on my blog. It’s not a perfect world where everything has to go down on one line, if you know what I mean. But as far as I can tell, we are trying to. I am. It’s just… I’m still trying to find that line.

(♪) They say if you wanna make god laugh, then all you gotta do is tell him your plans. I know that the timing's not right, didn’t know that I would meet you tonight. It’s not that I don't really like the attention, I feel like the only man in the room. Are you really sincere, is this just something that you do? (♪)

Oh, come on! Don’t tell me that you’re still trying to figure what this post is all about. I have been writing all kinds of crap in here. Obvious and vague. Loud and unclear. They all are various to some level. I mean, this is what I was implying about the whole capricious thing. Life isn’t that simple. But it sure looks like that. One day, I went through my whole day with usual and boring stuffs, and I finished it in a not much different way than I did the day before. But despite all that, there’s something that keeps life interesting and worth living—whether it’s a random song popping in through your ear, or it’s a fake Santa promises you fake presents, or it’s the true romance that fill your unloved soul with hope and smile. In the end, you gotta believe that life isn’t boring at all. It’s something I called… capricious.