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Friday, November 30, 2007

Tough Week

I found a list on the street, after reading it, I knew I would have to post this. What was that list about? Here it is.

Things YOU did this week.

1. Bought Ghost Whisperer Season One, funnily not for yourself but eventually was.
2. Experienced sore muscle on your left upper arm.
3. Published your complete story (Hidup/Mati) and be proud about it.
4. Received warm-happy comments about your story and be happy about it.
5. Almost had a motorcycle accident at night.
6. Had the real accident the morning after, ran over a kid, lost a lot of money cause of it.
7. The injuries from your last accident were swollen.
8. Get depressed for having a grim life and future.
9. Met an old friend in an unexpected time, didn't feel too good about that.
10. Taught some wrong stuffs to some of the students. Bad stuffs. And be happy about it.
11. Still hadn't got a haircut.
12. Got wet from all the rain.
13. Had a severe constant stomach ache.
14. Found out that HEROES season 2 had been cut off to eleven episodes just because of the writers' strike.
15. Found a list.
16. Post it on your blog.

All of those above really did happened.
Every single one of it.

Now you can see I'm having a tough week.
Now you see why I haven't posted anything.
Now you see how "perfect" my life is.

Don't just read, write something!

Monday, November 19, 2007

Lone, Job, Story, Photos, and Life

Hello, I'm sorry for not be able to update anything the last few days. Besides my extremely busy week and work, I've found myself somewhat clueless and purposeless this week. I woke up each day knowing nothing to do and knowing I must do everything I don't want to do. In short, I have no goal whatsoever for my future and I don't know what the reason of me living.

I tried to blog, I wanted to blog, actually, since there were a lot of ideas in my mind I wanted to share the minute I thought of them, but the circumstances made me not be able to do that.

I don't need to say further about this no more. I feel there is absolutely no benefit it is for me if I do share. The world may know but they won't do anything. And all it does, is to make them think how pessimistic or pathetic I am.

Maybe I am pathetic. But I don't know anymore.

I want to say a few things. Things are going on in my life right now.

I am looking for a new job, one that can free me from my solitary.
I am writing a two part story in Indonesian, and I have finished the first part yesterday. that's why I didn't go online yesterday.

If you want to read the story, you can click here. It's the first part, but I really love the story.

The story is about love, life and death. The title alone is "HIDUP / MATI". And in English, it means "Life / Death" or "Live / Die".

I posted few new pictures in Friendster, but you can take a look at them here below.

They are pictures symbolizing loneliness I feel. Somehow it's peaceful, but the truth is that it's depressing. They were taken in a place I visit almost everyday, it's a tranquil place for me, suited for the aloneness I felt. I guess lonely people goes to lonely places, huh?

I have no much time. I have to go back to the life I hate. Save me?

Bye :(

Friday, November 09, 2007

An Arduous Life

Hey, it has only been a week but, man, I really missed writing in this blog. The last week was inauspiciously exhausting. I slaved and slaved day and night on the things I didn't like. I began to dislike what I did for living, by each day.

I think I may have failed myself, thousands of failures and errors in my way of living...

I've been thinking of a way open this entry, since I have so many things I wanna say, not to you, but to this blog... for the sake of "keep blogging". But then I had an idea.

But before I go in to the grandiloquent entry, I should revisit my mind to see if there's anything I want to share with you during my week of absence.

And apparently, there is... there are... actually... some more things.

1. For the past three weeks, I continued watching Naruto despite my lack of free time. I have completed my Grey's Anatomy "quest" up until the end of the third season. I've conquered God of War I and II, proudly speaking, but am currently stuck in Spartan (Hard) Mode. I weighed 70 kgs and have been that way for six months.

2. I am still teaching and starting to really hate it. I want to find a new job in the fields I like, and the fields I like are multimedia (video and audio), dancing and choreography, mathematics, english and blogging. I don't know where to turn.

3. I still am an atheist and I don't believe in God. I still loathe Indonesia though there hasn't been any blackouts yet after the last time I recounted my PLN tale.

4. I'm getting more and more pissed off with some of my old friends. I hate NV, I hate Cy, I hate Avie, I hate her, I hate them. I hate women! I also hate my highschool sweethearts, I hate my highschool friends, I hate el_se7en, I hate the fact that I hate everything I shouldn't hate.

5. Lately, I have a weird imagination of me having a special ability. And with that coming, I also plan to write a new short story or a new long story. I haven't decided about it yet.

6. There were several nights when I felt that I was about to lose my mind. I was going all loco. I think it's because the loneliness was multiplied by work-exhaustions and everyday-boredoms. I often wished to have lead a different life.

If I were my old friend Erick Yang.

I would have doing the exact things he had done with his life. I would have had an 1767 FR Atoz, the very vehicle that include so many memories with my highschool friends. There would have also been an el seven, there would have been a never winter, there would have been a "Living the dream" moments six to four years ago.

I think I would have been more happy.

If I were Frans Lius.

I would have had a more minute ego with a person named Bambang Superwan, or if it had been an absurd thing, I would have tried. But as time goes on, I would have been happy too.

If I were Susan.

I wouldn't have acted, but If I had remember that I was once Bambang Superwan, I wouldn't have to acted at all. (know what I mean?)

If I were Avie.

I wouldn't have understand why I chose those two guys. I would have at least understood why I couldn't see the person who gave me a four-song-CD in the early morning of valentine.

If I were Cy.

I would have tried harder.

If I were myself six years ago,

I would have come to the front, I would have faced all of them, I would have had a heyday.

If you were me right now or if you were the ones of the above,

then you should have understood (some parts of) them somehow.

7. I watched Heroes season 2. But the first six episodes only.

I didn't expect the series to have gone that way, but in some way, the second season has been better than the first one.

There have been some imaginations I have in mind regarding the Heroes TV Series. They have been so famous that I feel like I'm the zillionth person in the world to have post an entry about them. But what if our Hero of Mind Reader .....

has a power of entertaining people with drums instead?

Or what if Claire the "spontaneous regenerative chick" ...

becomes the lead singer of "Back stage boys" ?

What if the mass murderer, Sylar ...

sylar repents

repents and becomes a full-time electrician instead?

And what if everybody in the series has left the show, and there's only one hero left...

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Damn you Ando! You don't even have a special ability...

Ando : "You don't have to have a power to be a hero."

Me : "Oh, Shut it! And Get out of my blog!"

But in the end, it's just about staying or leaving, or whether you have the moxie to achieve your dreams -- which is something I still lack...

... cause togetherness brings hope ...

... and when your friends are either graduating.... or leaving... or even as silly as convocating...

Convocated Claire

... you would have a courage to move on ... to relax you mind ...

.... and not to blame things on God... not to be angry at people... not to hate your old highschool friends...

God is pissed

... and the most important things of all ...

... not to be lost.

I wonder if I can do it.


Friday, November 02, 2007

The Third Dream

Me : Hey!

Me : Hey!

God : What? What happened? Did you just call me?

Me : (shrugged)

God : Well, that never happened before. What can I do you for?

Me : I think you've known, haven't you?

God : Let me see?


God : This is about your last two dreams, right?

Me : What about it? What do you think?

God : You have been dreaming some resemblances in the last two days and you wonder if it will happen again tonight, am I correct?

Me : Well...

God : No.. no... wait... you hope for a dream like that to come and visit you again, don't you?

Me : I know that you know that.

God : Well, I am only God. I am not a Dream Giver. I can't control what dream you may have tonight or any other nights. It's all inside of you, what decides your dreams.

Me : So what do you say?

God : That perhaps it's due to your hunger of affection that you dreamed about Cy and Susan respectively.

Me : It's not even the same, the two of them.

God : Well, I beg to differ. I don't see it that way. Yes, they have differences in time and stuffs, but you still liked the two of them for a seriously significant amount of time.

Me : Yeah, I know that. I never thought that I would be dreaming of Cy again, let alone Susan. I wonder where she is and what she's doing right now.

God : Yeah, time has passed, things have surely changed a lot.

Me : [no response]

God : So tell me more about the dream. Cy first. You dreamt of her first right?

Me : Do I have to? You have known about it anyway.

God : I do. But it's better to share things with someone than nothing at all. I personally like the conversations I do with human being.

Me : Okay then. I only remember to have Cy with me riding towards some place. In the middle of the road, I hugged her, so easily as if it's something I knew I should have done. The funny thing was that I could still drive.

God : I don't really get what you're saying. What's the dream about?

Me : I don't know. I can't really explain it. It's more to the emotional thing than the appearances and the what-happens and the descriptions...

God : I see. Something like affection or love really can't be uttered in words, since it is not three dimensional.

Me : Yeah.

God : So what happened next? You just riding with her?

Me : Yep. That was all. And by yesterday, it felt like the sweetest dream. No kidding. You may not believe it cause you need to experience it to really understand it.

God : Look who you're talking to. I know. Believe me. So what happened with Susan?

Me : Hm.. this one is hard to explain. I remember I was feeling so lost and helpless in my dream. There was something happened to me before that.. I didn't recall it no more, but it felt like highschool. I think that's the closest I can say right now, because the only memories I had with Susan was in High School and that was really long time ago.

Me : I remember finding Susan standing near a fountain or something... but it was inside a room. I talked to her. I didn't remember what I said to her. But I think that I was telling her about my feeling to her. That I have a crush on her... that I love her. Something like that.

Me : And then she replied, "I am going to Singapore." but she didn't smile.

Me : I knew she turned me down. Been like that in my real life too. But then she talked to me... saying alot of things and that had never happened before. It's like we were friends, close friends that sharing something private didn't feel icky.

Me : I remember she was saying things about her brothers of her father. I don't remember... actually, I didn't pay attention to her. After she had done talking, I nodded at her as if I understood all the things she said and as if they were happening to me too. She seemed to buy it because the feeling of each-other-understanding filled the air.

Me : And then I held her hands, not properly, but yeah... I meant it delicately.

Me : And that was when my mother woke me up.

God : I see. I hope you for the best.

Me : Do you really? Do you want to give me another dream like that?

God : It didn't seem like a very happy dream.

Me : No it didn't. But it had the...

God : ... feeling. I know.

Me : [sigh] I have been so busy you know. I cannot even do things I like nowadays.

God : And I just realize that this conversation is not funny at all? [confused]

Me : Yeah. This is supposed to be a sitcom. But I don't think it will be funny this time.

God : Of course it won't be funny. Life is not a sitcom.

Me : Then why do I ask for one that is?