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Friday, August 31, 2007

My Suicide


Aug 31, 2007

After a long time of kidding about committing suicide, today I found myself really thinking about it. Seriously.

(I have so many many many thoughts about everything. Everything keeps coming back to me now. Funny, they say when you're about to die, you get to see flashes of your lives...)

Earlier, when I was on my bike, a sudden thought, which never crossed my mind before, crawled its way into my head. I thought, what if I purposefully run into a random car and smash myself to it in a high speed? I even felt like doing it. That's what surprised me. I just talked myself into an accident so that I could lead a different atmosphere for once. Man, I'm totally fucked.

In the end, I only passed the cars and went home safely. But the thought of hurting myself didn't vanish, on the contrary, it developed into more suicidal.

I've been thinking all day, what's the best way to commit suicide? I don't want it to hurt, and I want it quick.

A few ideas came to my mind. Burn myself, no that's too painful and slow. Shoot myself in the brain. No, where can I find a gun? Jump from the top of a building. No. I'll encounter fear before it and probably back off in the end. Drink a poison, a tin of pesticide or kerosene, but no. It'll also be painful and not guaranteed.

("cause you made promises that you couldn't keep, you're not hurting yourself, you're only hurting me...")

When I think to slit my wrist, I imagine a very painful death. I don't want that. I have enough pain in life as it is.

There is one way actually. It's not painful, it's quick, and I can die in the way I like it. It's called the "Suicide pills". It's a pill that will kill you after making you fall asleep before. So you'll feel nothing painful and you'll be like sleeping. I can die in the way that I want it to be, where and with whom. The only trouble is that I have no idea where to find it. I know it exists, but I think it's secretly made by American government. It's almost impossible for me to get one, and with my current situation, I don't think I'll manage.

So, back to square one.

("I know ugliness, now show me something pretty...")

Wait, why again I want to kill myself?

I really don't want to talk about it. Just writing this has made me having doubts. I do think about a lot of people. My family, my friends. Oh, my friends... is there really such a thing?

Recently, a few of my friends have talked to me regarding my current condition. I don't know what their real intentions were when they talked to me about all this. They complained and yelled... pitied and confused. They said things they knew according to their ways of thinking. They saw my problem through their perspective. I don't even think that they could see it. They had no idea really because I wasn't telling them.

("There are moments when I don't know if it's real, or if anybody feels the way I feel.")

I don't know if they actually tried to make me feel worse or feel better, but I didn't get the consolation. So I often cut off the conversations and left them hanging wherever they're hanging.

Some friends were actually trying to understand me. I didn't thank them and I felt that I didn't need to. Some were even blaming me for my own life. They even told me that it's all my fault and it was I who caused my own troubles and I, only I, the one who had been dramatizing every single things, making it a big deal.

Of course they thought that way, I didn't tell them anything and they didn't understand. They couldn't understand unless they're living my life. And I am not feeling like trying to make them understand me.

("Oh what you say? Mmm.. that you only meant well... well of course you did... mmm.. what you say? mmm.. that it's all for the best?")

"Why do you keep resisting to tell us?"

Because I don't feel that I trust you, since the truth is, you are not inside of my life right now. You don't give me hope nor happiness. I don't find peace when I'm with you. Not anymore.

You don't have to tell me that I need help, professional help. I know that. I don't want that. So don't bother care. After all, isn't that what you've been doing all this time?

("now now darling, oh don't kill yourself, cause none of us were angels...")

"So the best way is to kill yourself? Where's your common sense? Do you know how sinful that is?"

I still have my common sense. I know what I'm talking about and I'm sick of it. I do think of the people I love and care. But nothing is better living this way. I am tired, and you're tired of me too. You're sick of me, CONFESS IT! I don't care about sins and don't even bother to tell me about GOD and HELL.

"Yes, I'm tired of you"

I don't blame anybody for feeling that.

("I could die from being boring... As for loneliness, it greets me every morning...")


Today, September 01, 2007

I am feeling a little better. My loneliness is still with me everywhere I go like before. The pain is still overriding me. But I am trying not to think about it so much. There are persons in my mind, if I don't think about them, I will feel less painful. And so for this whole day, I am a hollow man. I don't feel much today, coz whenever I do, all I can feel is pain. I don't know how that even possible. But as weird and absurd as it seems, I am less human today, emotionally speaking.

I found a new hope and I made a new promise to myself today. It's not something dramatic and it's got nothing to do with love, soul mates, loneliness, or my usual other self-pities. It's about what I do to get what I want.

I've decided that...

I want a notebook.

Oh, damn. I didn't expect it would sound this ridiculous. But I know that if I have something new and great in my life, I will somehow be happier than I am now.

And a thought of owning a laptop just entered my mind and amazed me. I have always wanted a laptop but I've never thought about buying seriously, partly because I knew I couldn't afford it. It was so expensive. But what about right now?

Today I went to see a promotional computer bazaar. I filled my eyes with beautiful laptops and I didn't need a long time to find which one I like.

It's the ACER TravelMate 6291.

It's not the greatest and the most expensive notebook I've ever seen. But I love it so damn much!

Intel® CoreT2 Duo processor
Up to 4 GB of dual-channel DDR2 667 MHz memory
160 GB HDD, 1 GB RAM
wide-aspect 12.1" screen
Enhanced Acer Disk Anti-Shock Protection (DASP)
Acer Crystal Eye webcam 1.3MP
Enhanced Bluetooth® 2.0+EDR
Wi-Fi® Protected Access (WPA2) and Cisco Compatible Extensions (CCX)
A 5-in-1 card reader
Type II PC Card slot, 3x USB 2.0 ports, IEEE 1394 port (4-pin), external display (VGA) port


It's not so expensive too. US$926.3 times Rp.9500,-
That's about Rp.8,800,000.-

Oh, How much I hate Indonesia.

Too bad I couldn't buy it today. If I did, then I'll be a starving homeless fella for a month. But I promise to do that in due time. Maybe not the exact notebook, but I'm sure I'll love it!

At least that could distract me from killing myself.


I wonder what would have happened if I did kill myself yesterday. I would have left all my friends, and I would have also killed my memories.

Talk about memories, I was really great to have one with Anni the other day. It's great to be able to see her without any usual obstacles or typical disturbances. I am glad. Anni is different. I can talk to her and won't have to.... you know...

I can say that I was pretty honest with her. I used to have feelings for her when I was in senior high. Now, I have no longer recognized that old mind of mine. She's been staying in a better world, and as far as I concerned, I am happy for her. But the funny thing is that she's not actually a close friend of mine. But I like being friends with her. Somehow.

She will be leaving from this town in two days and go to Singapore. I don't think we will meet again for some time. But remember the last time I met her? It was like almost a year ago, and I thought that I wouldn't see her in years' time. And three days ago I just met her. Who knows?


I remember when I was reading some novels, the grim novels about depressions and suicides. The way Nina planned her suicide in "Subject Re:", or the way Lin Xia Fu acted against her loneliness. There are people in the world who are like me. I feel that my problems are so complicated, and yet there are probably millions of people out there feeling the same as I am.

Should I be grateful? Relieved?

All I know is, I am still alive, but my heart is ailing.

We never know what can change us. We never know what can happen. This can possibly be the beginning of something beautiful, or this can easily be the end.

And if I die, then this is really the end.

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