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Saturday, August 11, 2007

I remember

I remember when I finally touched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in the palm of my hands. I was so Happy and so eager to come home. To read the book without any disturbances. But that day I had to teach, so I had to wait for 7 hours… the longest hours of my life.

beside me was Kevin Tanadi

I remember when I finally got my chance reading that book. It was the mixture of exciting, horrifying, nervous, blissful, and tearful. To finally read the greatest book of all time, for that, Thank You, JK Rowling.

In Front of the Cashier, which by that time still full with HP books.

I remember when I finally finished reading the book. I was suddenly hopeless and soulless. The greatest thing had lasted. The happiest time had passed. I was sad, didn’t know what I would do without the feeling of waiting Harry Potter’s next book. It’s like some part of me was fleeing from me. I was incomplete. Two days later, I fell sick.

I remember when my throat hurt like hell. It drove a fever to me. I was incapable of lifting myself, both physically and emotionally. I stayed at home and didn’t teach for three days.

I remember when JK Rowling told the world that there could be a new book regarding Harry Potter, a character encyclopedia. I remember when she told us the answers to the unsolved mysteries after the book. I was so relieved, finally a hope rose within me.

I remember two months ago, I was committing myself to accomplish a few to do list. There are some things I’ve accomplished, there are something I haven’t and won’t.

Number one.

I remember telling myself to be more cheerful. I failed. It seemed that I couldn’t defeat the loneliness and boredom inside me, and those surround me. It’s my dream, it’s my deepest desire to conquer both the loneliness and boredom once and for all, because if there’s anything worse than death, they are. I admit that I failed to be more cheerful. Why couldn’t I? It’s simple. I have no friend.

Number two.

I remember asking myself to dye my hair blue. I failed. Though I really like to do that, I couldn’t because it’s expensive, my hair can grow rapidly fast, I have no friend to accompany me, and I’m a teacher. I still wish to do it, later in time, if I have the chance and greater motivation.

Number three.

I remember wanting to watch Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix at the theatre on July 13th. I succeeded. I watched it twice. Looks like I overdid it. But that’s OK. I love the movie.

Number four.

I remember my promise to buy and read Deathly Hallows on 21th July. I sure did. I finished the book in three days (the slowest I could do… really enjoying it).

Number five.

I remember to meet my old friends : Mei, Riwan, Watta, Jacq, HQ. I failed. I only got to reach a couple of them. But at least I tried. Something you just couldn’t do.

Number six.

I remember buying Nip/Tuck season 4. So I did it.

Number seven.

I remember saying to myself to buy some new jackets and clothes. I dare say that I failed thoroughly. After my mom’s cataract surgery, I was sort of broke.

Number eight.

I remember committing myself to exercise more, so I went to gym. I did it. But as time went by, I became so busy that I found it very hard to find the time.

Number nine.

I remember telling myself to go to karaoke and sing some James Blunt’s song at July’s first weekend. I failed, unfortunately. I love singing, but like I’ve told you before… I have no friend to go there. There was a time this plan seemed to work out, but it was too expensive that my that-time-friends wouldn’t do it.

Number ten.

I remember asking myself to memorize the Heavy D song, Now that we’ve found love. I failed, only because that song was too damn fast. I couldn’t keep with it. And the lyrics I’ve found wasn’t complete. In several weeks, I got bored of the song.

Number eleven.

I remember my promise to change the blog layout, but I failed again. I plan to do it though… I have collected the data for it.

Number twelve.

I remember I told myself to meet more people and make new friends. I succeeded. I met some new interesting people from the gym, but they didn’t last for long, so I guess I failed again.

Number thirteen.

I remember my great promise to go to bank more often and save more money. It’s funny, when I have a big motivation on things like this, it turned out I couldn’t keep it. It’s only then my dad borrowed money from me for an emergency of his. I helped him because he’s my dad. That time, I promised not to withdraw more money from my account, and then I found out that my mom had to have a cataract surgery. This time, I drew more money. It’s an inevitable thing. I didn’t regret it and I won’t. But I have to say that I failed again. Today, I promise to heal my financial side. I will work hard.

Number fourteen.

I remember learning to play sodoku. I must say that I ---- the person who likes math and numbers, hated sodoku. I refused to play further because I find it boring. So, I failed. But I didn’t regret it.

Number fifteen.

I remember telling myself to go play bowling or learning how to swim. Just as I thought, I failed. It’s a very sad thing.

Number sixteen.

I remember that day, then I told myself to give up Cy, and be her good friend. I didn’t know the answer to that until today. I FAILED! But it was a complicated failure. I did try to give up my love to Cy, but I really and really couldn’t do it, because I kept thinking back about her. I couldn’t get over her. But then something happened today. I was very disappointed by her. I’ve tried to be a good friend and I have succeeded in doing so for two months, but now, after today, It looked like I have become a bad friend. I was really sorry to see myself unable to do anything to make her happy, but she kept resisting me. She couldn’t see the good in me and I could do anything more to change it. As for today, I am finally able to give up Cy. That I succeed, after all. I just am not being her good friend, anymore.

Number seventeen.

I remember to watch Shrek 3 and Fantastic Four and the Rise of Silver Surfer. I succeeded. I watched Shrek 3 with Riwan, and Fantastic Four with… with… oh.. I have an awful memory.

Number eighteen.

I remember (I don’t know what I was thinking) telling myself to complain less about Indonesia. I sure failed. The blackout torture is still tormenting me. I remember reading someone anonymous wrote in my comment box, stamped me as an “immature fella” for hating my own hometown. I just wished whoever he was to ever experience a life like mine. Then he shall see things in my perspective and know why and how I feel like that. But then again, I will never know that, even if he is living a life like mine. So why bother? I hated Indonesia and I still do. Why? Probably because I hate everything about myself.

Number nineteen.

I remember rereading Harry Potter and the Order of the phoenix before the movie came out. So I succeeded.

Number twenty.

I remember asking myself to do it all, my to-do-list. Let’s see. I succeeded six out of nineteen. I failed 13 of them. So I guess I failed this one. It’s not by choice, and you will for sure disagree. But, I just have to say. If I had the chance, I would have done all of them in one day.

I remember today, after all that has happened, after three weeks absent from this blog, I finally understand how my life always fails me.

I remember thinking and hoping, when I saw a couple on their motorcycles, hugging each other, or a couple holding hands while walking, or cheerful smiles carved on their lips, that I should deserve it as well. Why isn’t it happening to me? Why can’t I?

I remember myself, being very near you today. I was almost there, I was … scared. So I ran away. I am, after all, a pessimist. You don’t see me, so I couldn’t bear to see you. You don’t want me, so I don’t deserve you. Goodbye, Cy.

I remember it clearly when a song from a long time ago sneaked in to my head. Skies are dark it’s time for rain, final call you board the train, heading for tomorrow…

… say it isn’t so, tell me you’re not leaving, say you change your mind now, that I am only dreaming, this is not goodbye, this is starting over, if you wanna know, I don’t wanna let go…

… how can I be smiling like before, when baby you don’t love me anymore...
… how can I be smiling when you’re gone, when baby you don’t love me anymore…

… I’m still alive but hope just died …

I remember when ….

I remember you …

I remember that I failed…

I remember the present, as I am holding it now, the evidence of my foolishness, the proof of my fear, the outcome of my loneliness.
I can’t defeat you, after all… damn loneliness…

I remember everything—the pain, the sorrow—just when I don’t want to remember anymore…


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