Special

You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

So here it is... the moment I've been waiting for since the first time I wrote the entry about Soulmate has come. I don't know if love has found me or if I have found love. But both of those are equally good for me.

The funny thing is perhaps we found each other. She is a person I would never have thought to end up with. She's only a normal girl who's looking for love, but been hurt so many times. I was there when she's hurt. But I was there in the aftermath. I think that's where we got closer.

There was a doubt inside of me, when it was time to choose between her and Sierra. But as I was drown in confusion, something came to my mind, telling me that if I choose Sierra instead of her, I would be living in constant doubt. Everything will not be as clear as I am now with Minnie. Yeah, Minnie. She's my special person now.

Have you ever heard about a saying that goes like this : You only need one minute to introduce yourself to someone, one hour to know that you can talk to them, one day to know whether you still need to talk to them, one week to like them, one month to get close to them, one year to love them, and one lifetime to forget them.

I think it's partially correct. It only takes one week to like someone, another week to realize it, and an extra day to decide. Once you do, you'll get the clarity for this relationship. You talk about many things. Past and Future. But it's the present which you are really excited about.

I met Minnie the other day. It was a secret meeting since we didn't want anybody else to know. It turned out to be the most special moment for us both. Not exactly like what I'd planned and wished for, but it's a start.

The both of us opened ourselves for each other. We accepted each other. This is something I'd never experienced in my entire life. It's new, it's exciting, I'm terribly scared now.

The best thing about it, is that I am now happy, and I am now lonely no more. Thanks to her, my life is much much much better despite all the things that bring us down. She completes me in a way I complete her. She's told me that she cares about me. And it's only a matter of time now...

The moment has come, eventually. Did it feel as great as I hoped?

Well...

I can not lie.

YES! :)

Why, An Untitled Monologue

Put me out of my misery. We’re not what we used to be.

La La La la...

“You’re still here.. Your feet stuck to the ground despite how silly it sounds.. you’re bigger than me...”

That is Bigger, a song of Backstreet Boys, from their new album, which will be their second single. Backstreet Boys has always been a figure of friend to me, and a loyal one. But I am looking for no friend, because as all hells know, I’m in the quest of finding my soulmate, a quest so arduous that it has messed up the definition of the word soulmate to me.

I’m inside my room, facing my notebook, wanting to write out everything inside of my mind. I have bottled up so many things in these two months I was absent. From the birthday post of mine, and the previous entry called Addiction, I have come a long way, but sadly, nowhere.

“Yes, I will. Take your hand and walk with you. Yes I will. Baby I promise you. Yes I will, give you everything you need and someday start a family with you. Oh Yes I will...”

Another Backstreet Boys song is being played right now. Promises and Promises. They never stop. Few of them got fulfilled, but most of them got abandoned and forgotten. I have to admit that I have broken several of my promises myself. I am no perfect man. But I tried my best to keep living by my promises. The world isn’t easy to live in, at least my world is.

Everyone wishes to see me do great things. I want to prove to them, to my family and my friends that I can be someone.. just someone.. but figuring who you are and what you’re supposed to do isn’t a thing you can finish in a day or a year. It’s a continuing progress with ups and downs. But lately, I am neither moving up nor down. I am levitating in a perfect silence, immovably still.

So my story, or at least, this part of the story began when I first knew about this girl who I thought to be my soul mate, the one whom at last I found. For one whole month I was the happiest man in the world. Everything seemed to be falling in to the right place. She was the one who would be single-handedly rescuing me from my lair of insecurities and loneliness.

I devoted everything to her, I tried my best to be the perfect guy for her. In a short time, she was the one person who knew me better than anybody else. I felt to be moving closer to her myself. We had a special connection like nothing I’d ever seen or felt before. I knew it was meant to be, that I was somehow made for her.

But like this blog, everything turned out to be just a one way street. She cut me off her life just easily as if we were never close. I couldn’t seem to comprehend as to why she did the things she did. And it took me one more month before I finally knew that I didn’t meet her expectations, whatever those were.

The pain of losing something you thought was your final answer was indescribable at best. She is everything but mine. But the way she severed our relationship, I would never forget. I didn’t “feel” like we had a connection. I knew for sure that the two of us shared a deep connection to each other, like we’re the two last persons in this world. But why and how come could she end everything just like that?

There was a time when suddenly she disappeared from the face of the earth. When I couldn’t reach to her. She deleted everything in her life, or at least she deleted me. She didn’t want me to know what’s happening to her, and I tried my hardest to understand her, only to fail completely. She was no better person than anybody, she was never a perfect girl, and that’s what I like about her, but the way she pushed me away from everything. How could I love somebody who’s mysteriously silent all of sudden?

I didn’t know how to deal with the situation. I began to swarm myself with my usual insecurities and pessimisms, only this time they were quadrupled and doubled, because this was my biggest bet. This was my biggest love yet, and I was losing...

When things went for worse, I tried to soothe myself, found things to distract myself.. but in the end I kept coming back to her. I even went on a date with a girl I didn’t like just because I needed someone to be with so badly. It all went wrong so awfully that everything in my life was spinning out of control. I lost myself, abandoned this blog, and I chased on two girls who had already got a boyfriend. I got stressed out, hated my job, and obsessed in playing games to distract myself.

In short, my life was a mess without her.

If I say I’m fine now, and that I have moved on and forgotten about her, that would be a total lie. I still wish if things hadn’t turned for the worst. I might still be happy, because we were looking about a big long future together, and to share everything. To love and care so solemnly. So sweetly.

It hurts just to write this, to imagine what would have been. The thing is, she was one in a million for me. It feels like I’ll never find anybody who can share things like we did. She was the one person who was like me, who had more things in common with me than any girl would ever do. But if things stay this way, I will never be happy again. I need to move on and forget about her. I need to find someone else.

Until this very second, I have nobody in my heart. I am now an unloved man not looking for love. Soulmate and its definition has been torn in to pieces. True Love, I have now wondered if it exists at all, or isn’t it all just a big game of money and lust?

People always say to me to be more cheerful and positive, that it’s not good for me to stay like this. But I have tried cheerful. I have tried positive. They didn’t work for me. I am Meredith Grey, scary and damaged. Dark and Twisty. I don’t like it. I’m not proud of it. I want to be everything but.

What do you want me to say?

“Hahaha”?

“I will find my love, just believe it”?

Okay...

I will find my love. Count on it!!!!

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Twenty Four

Dreams do come true sometime eh.

I sit and wait... does an angel contemplate my fate?

Hi, world. We meet again, and it's another long gap before my entry. I'm sorry. Lately, what I feel has been like a seesaw.. It's all happening so fast, and emotions flows like an insane river going on south. Things have not gone so well with my life lately. What I want and what was delivered, man... they differ a lot.

So yesterday was my birthday. Another year has passed. So quickly and yet so slowly. All I ever wished for is for my life to turn out Okay. I just want to be happy. Friends and Lovers.. all the drama in my life... why should we expect any different?

I never celebrate my birthday before.. never since I was just an eight or nine year old kid. My mom used to throw me a party and invite all our neighbours.. there would be cakes and coloured eggs. There would be noodles and prizes.. they would be the best days of my life.

But as I got older, the sense of celebrating got old. Every year, my birthdays were passed... my friends never threw me anything and I was fine with it, because I never threw anything for them also. Hahaha..

But yesterday I knew I needed something different, because I've had all my shares of ups and downs.. (mostly the downs), so I needed something better. I needed something to make me happy. So an idea came to my mind. It's simple, but it's something I never done before.

"Buy a cake, to myself!"

The Hell with others! I don't care what would happened next.

At August 18, I called Anni. She had just gotten back from Tuk Tuk with Hensen Cs. She agreed to meet me and buy the cake.

Later that night, I went to Comic Garden, like I did usually. There I met Tony, Adon, Acun, Sugi, and Erwin. They wished me a happy birthday although it wasn't the time yet. They joked about buying fifteen tofus to share with them all, but at last, I bought thirty of them and they all ate lots of tofus that night. LoL.. what an unusual way to treat friends.

That night I already felt somewhat happy, because friends were actively happy about my birthday and that never happened to me before. They posted greetings on my facebook walls.. and lots and lots of them too..

I didn't sleep that night, because I intended to be happy, at least I tried to make it a happy day, but after two o'clock, I couldn't help it anymore. I collapsed to a dreamless sleep. I woke up at nine yesterday. And I felt happy. Mostly because it's already my birthday, but also because I was free that day, didn't have to teach. So I went on to meet Anni at one p.m. She looked beautiful like she always do.

Anni is a person who's strong and doesn't care of what people think. She's one of my bestest friends and saying that she's great is an understatement. She does whatever she likes and she's been through a lot. Someone I admire, I believe, is my point.

She's a friend who can accept you for who you are, know and respect that we're all not a perfect person. There are only a few people I know that's like her. So it's an honor for me to be able to spend my birthday with her. So yesterday she's with me for the day.

We went to Thamrin Plaza, without any real plan what to do once we get there. We did all things spontaneously. I didn't plan what to do on my birthday. I just thought of three things : meet Anni, buy a cake, go to Comic Garden. That's all.

So, once we got to Thamrin Plaza, we talked about the possibility of us watching a movie... but there were no good movies playing there.. Just Doomsday : one which I have watched three days ago with Lily, but that's another story... , Red Line : one which I have no interest in watching, Quarantine : one old movie I expected would be very much like Doomsday , and Max Payne : one I don't care or like. Apparently, Anni also found the movies so boring.. LoL.. so we didn't watch anything that day. Instead, we went to D-Loft to have lunch together..

The last time we went to Thamrin, we also went there to drink and talk about a girl I like. She helped me getting prepared, and we shopped clothes together.. but it's only a few weeks and we went there again, talking about almost the same topic, but with different circumstances.. this time, it's my birthday, so today was about me, or so what Anni told me, and that girl I like, all of it went south and screwed... So here we go, Anni sticked with me through all of my ups and downs. It's how good a friend she is.

Out of nowhere, I proposed an idea to go and sing a song.. because at that time, there's this song "I'll be there" by Mariah Carey.. and so I asked Anni if she wanted to go to Karaoke with me, just the two of us. Normally girls wouldn't want to do that, but not Anni, (since she's not really a girl, haha).

It's the first time in my life to go to sing in K2 in the middle of the day. Usually I go there at night. And I'd never gone to Karaoke just with one person. But yesterday was a day of surprises, unexpected, and do-what-we-love-to-do kind of day.

We sang so many songs together... we had it all. Amongst the songs we sang, there were Michael Jackson's You are not alone, Heal the world, Backstreet Boys's Shape of my heart, All I have to give, Show me the meaning.. We also sang songs like I'll be there, Scientist, Love story, You belong with me, Endless love (hm.. what a romantic moment..), In love with you, and many many many mandarin songs I can't remember the titles.. Hahaha..

It's the best time and the happiest I feel in a long time.

At the moment, I suddenly realized that this was what I had hoped for in the year 2002. Being close to Anni and doing things together as friends. I was in the same room with her. This was what I dreamed for, for such a long time... and now it's happening to me when all other things fell over in my life... and it's happening on my birthday. Dreams do come true sometime eh, who knows?

I could feel the intimate feelings of love and caring about each other.. but here's the trick, Anni and I are just friends. We're such a good friend that most of my friends think that we're together.. She's my best friend from highschool. I can talk and share a lot of things with her.. and so can she. When she was in the hospital four years ago, I think that was the time we got closer with each other. I love her and care about her as friends, and she always this cool about it.

Most of the times, when we have nothing else to talk about, we always share stories about the persons we like and have feelings on. I told her about my disastrous date experience just three days ago, and about my failed plan to steal a girl's heart. She told me about her love life as well.. but I won't write it here.. it's just between us.

We planned to go to Clover to buy the cake after we finished singing, but it was raining all of sudden, and heavily too. So we just stood on the outside of K2, watching the rain as we talked about things in life. Hehe.. it's an unplanned event too.. because plans always break apart.. It's better if we just flow within them.. let it all happen.

It was already six in the afternoon, and I suddenly realized that I was hungry, so Anni told me that we should get something to eat. I told her there was a nice place to eat just nearby K2, so we went there to have our dinner while waiting for the rain to stop. Yeah.. it's what you do when you ride a bike to go everywhere. I don't have a fancy car. So what?

We went down to East and West restaurant. I have just ever been there once with Jacq years back.. and it's so nice to go there again. Anni told me she wanted to treat me. Haha.. I wouldn't let her, but she's so strong. LoL.

The rain had stopped after we dined. We rushed to buy the cake because it's getting late, and I was already late. My friends were waiting for me at Comic.

Comic Garden was like my second home. Hehe.. All of the people there last night celebrated my birthday, and all I can say is that I was touched. Anni helped me cut the cake. She's a cutter, I said. Hehe..

It's just a small birthday, something exactly I hope for (Thank you Anni, for making me feel very happy^^). In a way, last night was perfect. I am already twenty four today. It's the number you have in one day. Don't waste life. I'm turning a new leaf. If things don't happen the way I want, then I just have to accept it and try to move on, struggling for something better, because in time, good things are bound to happen. Dreams are always coming true. Late it may be, but it will happen.

It's just statistic.


Travis - Closer (Official Music Video) - More free videos are here

Addiction

Fanaticism for anything is addiction.

The wind blew hard, smashing and shaking the window in my room.. I was uneasy. My body moved sideways and back. It’s not what I hoped for, this was not what I dreamed of, but “I am dreaming about this...”

What was I dream of?

Last night, the anticipation was killing me, I fell asleep to find her materialized in my dream. She was something extraordinary. She’s unshy. She put her arms on my shoulders, and then she gently placed her head against mine. She looked at me, deep. I was stunned beyond knowledge. Nothing could have prepared me for this. This was it! This was what I wanted. What I always wanted. But then she pulled away from me. She was busy, she had so many friends and so much work to do.

When her friends got there, they almost seemed to have deprived her away from me. They almost like carried her away. She didn’t mind, because she had to finish her job. She was talking about so many things I didn’t understand. The things in her life had just suddenly gotten broad. It’s as if I was only a little part of her that was insignificant, and after she finished make do with me, she had to move on, to another job to do.

I was left alone, again, when she went and talked to one of her colleagues. I remember one of her friends, one whose name I knew, he came to talk to me, and he said that she was indeed like this. She was always so popular. She was always busy. It’s what she did, it’s what she was. It’s who they were.

I felt like being plunged in to a nightmare I wanted very much to get out of. This was not what I dreamed about. This was not supposed to happen!

And then I woke up.

Breathless, I was relieved that it was only a dream. It hadn’t happened. Hope it wouldn’t happen.
My eyes were fixed on a random spot on my ceiling.. it wasn’t time. Not yet.

So what I saw that morning.. was Steven Lee’s birthday. It’s like I was being thrown in to the past. Random thoughts were rushing thru my mind...

Steven Lee was a friend you would love to laugh with, though sometimes I laugh at him. ^^ And when his birthday arrived, we knew we ought to do something about it. But no celebrations, we just hung out with him at Sun Plaza’s food court. No food, no beverages. But a lot of pictures were taken. Had I known about her then? It was after my spontaneous thing. I have contacted her. It was a happy day. Not because of Steven Lee’s birthday, but because of her. She made me happy.

I looked at my cell phone’s clock and it’s still eight. I still had time. I went back to sleep, thought I should rest more, and dream about something else. But I wasn’t dreaming anymore, instead, I was wondering what would happen three hours later. Just three hours from then, I remember realizing about it. But my thoughts once again ran away and got clouded with the possibilities.

Endless possibilities.

Petrificus Totalus! The hype of Harry Potter had once again struck me and all my friends as the sixth installment crawled nearer and nearer. I was excited, but I didn’t post anything of the movie on my blog, like what I did last year. But I still was excited to see it in the cinema.. I told myself that I would watch it as soon as it came out, but it turned out that I didn’t have the time. I was busy working and teaching, and all my friends were unavailable to watch it with me when I could, and were available when I couldn’t.

She was away, when the movie came out, if she weren’t, I would have asked her to do the honor with me. I did ask her anyway, but I wasn’t serious.

Harry wasn’t as different as the fifth. It was definitely a continued-movie from the fifth, since the director was David Yates and the same until the movie wraps out in the seventh.. and I enjoyed the movie, surely, because I am the biggest fan in the studio.. but as I could see.. many people didn’t enjoy it, I admit it myself that the movie lacked action. But that’s the whole point, the sixth was just a preparation for the finale.

In the end of the day, I wanted to share the movie I’d watched with her and her alone. She wasn’t even a fan of Harry Potter. But why did I need to share it with her?

I finally woke up at eight thirty, thinking I should probably be more ready than ever. So I took a shower, had a breakfast, and tried to look the best I could. The expectation was super high. The pressure was unimaginable. I was too selfish. I needed everthing to be perfect and fairy-tale-ish. All I imagined in the last two days was a dance in the middle of nowhere. We were walking and I asked her to dance, didn’t know where the bravery came from, didn’t care of the consequences if she turned me down. I just thought, let’s just said she wanted to.

I offered her to hold my hand, and then I held her hand. Like Addison offered the Chief to dance on the bar-floor with no music around. “Ask me anyway.” Said Addison. And I would took out my cell phone, and I played “I’ll be there” or “All I have to give”, and we just danced like Izzie and George did. He held her hand, pushed her away but still held her hand, and then he pulled her to his body, hugged her by touching her waist, as her other hand caressed his upper shoulder, and then their feet moved around harmoniously, and she spinned around in front of him, all of those beneath the faint mp3 music coming out of my mono speaker...

That would have been lovely, I thought.

I love how I can be straight to my heart with her, and what a happy coincidence when Backstreet Boys released their new single called Straight through my heart. I downloaded it at once.

To see them coming back with a hit like this, I was so happy and proud. All I did, was to tweet the news, and wrote it on my facebook status.. mumbled the chorus to anybody who wanted to hear. And not left behind, I told her about it as well. That’s the best thing, I told her everything. Never in my life, never, even Cy, had I known someone who posed very similiarly with my soulmate. Is she my soulmate? Have I finally found it? The one? Have I finally found the answer to the song Unmistakable?

I haven’t known yet.

I mounted my bike. Smashie wasn’t ready. But I told her that this was an important and special day, and she understood, that way, I knew that she would do her best. And so we began our journey. It was a great trip, Smashie and me. She was great and loyal to me.

I stopped by places to make sure I was ready and prepared. But when I got there, all the awkwardness started to show up. Everything was happening then, at that precise moment. It was all so real, that what I’d been imagining had finally taking shape to come true, accurate or not, still to be seen. I was nervous. Very. I recalled what Anni said to me...

She was the one to tell me don’t be afraid. Don’t be nervous. Be confident. Be strong. Be my self. What simple advices could do, I wouldn’t know then, because all I was thinking was

“OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD”

And I didn’t even believe in God.

And time moved very fast. I mean, literally running insanely fast. I was terrified.

Anni went back Medan few weeks ago. I have met her twice since. Our relationship has grown since the last time we seen each other, and that was when her sister’s wedding day.

I became more able to talk to her about things like how I was feeling, and she seemed to be really happy to have this clarity from me. We were different, and for the first time, we were really friends. Yes, for the first time ever since I saw her walking in the corridor of Sutomo 1. Ever since the moment I sat beside Diana and she came over and talked to me, introduced herself to me. Ever since the moment we talked just the two of us in the hospital room. This, was new. And it’s all because of her. She didn’t only make me happy, but unknowingly, she had made Anni happy. Or at least I’d like to think that way. Anni and I had finally come to a new place, thanks to her.

See? How can someone so new to me be so special? Another thing to weigh in on the soulmate thought.

But then the moment came when she spoke to me. She saw me. I was coming to her. Closer and closer. And it’s all officially begun. I saw her. As beautifully as I had already suspected, that, if it’s impossible to say she’s even prettier.

I felt like a moron while I was standing next to her. But I tried to do what Ross did when he was with Rachel. And so whatever happened, happened. It all come what may. So quick that the clock was racing with my heart beat.

I should have looked at her face more often. Yeah, though it’s admittedly beautiful, I could see that I had many things to regret. It wasn’t, in fact, a perfect day because I was not perfect. But she was close to perfect. How could a girl like her would want to love a guy like me? She’s the real intepretation of Nsync’s That Girl. And she’s the Uptown Girl. I was just one regular guy, wanted to face something way above me. I lost and I was shy.

But she did say it’s OK. I was hoping she really meant it, because what would I do without her? At this moment I feel like an addict.

I am enjoying the high.

So much that I retold all of my special events in the past few weeks.

I am on the high.

I am afraid it wears off.

I am terribly afraid. But everyone takes the risk and why can’t I? Why can’t I?

I’m addicted, but I do it volunteeringly. Because the price could be my soulmate...

The Icing of the cake

All the treasure in the world is worthless, unless you have someone to share it with.

I’m back. Improved.

Hi, world. It’s been a while since I talked to you. A lot has happened, a lot has happened which I should have written here.. which I should have told you.. which I should have shared with you. But I didn’t. Why? Probably because from all those times I talked about wanting things to change, I didn’t actually do change. But now I think I find me a way to do that just so.

It is a person, a girl who goes beyond my dream, someone I never expected to know, or to touch me. Remember my last post, when I said I was doing something spontaneously? It’s only the icing of the cake. Everything happens for a reason, and there’s always these steps.. steps one must take to make sure everything goes perfectly. The steps are many... and I’ve taken quite a number only to realize that I just hit the beginning.

This is the start of a new leaf.
This is what may save my life.
She is what may save my life.

I’ll be back for an awesome entry, I’ll go way back! (“,)

(see that little thing? I had never done that before ^^)