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Friday, March 30, 2007

Peel The Onion


Have you ever heard someone said something like this : Life is like an onion. It is multilayered, so complicated that you have to peel its layer one by one until you find what you’re looking for. The trick is, you don’t know what it is you’re looking for. You can—of course—try to peel and peel every layer and layer, but it ain’t going to end. Figuring what’s underneath your life is a never ending thing.

I don’t really believe in peeling or sort of. But I like to try to use the method to solve some things. A little this a little that. For example, a few days ago, one of my students came up with a question and she asked me about something mathy.

She drew a square figure with four half-circles aligned well inside it. It went something like this.

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And she asked me to figure out the range of the shaded in area. The red one. I was thinking for a moment before deciding how to explain the way to her. And then I came up with this peeling thing. These four semicircles were drawn this way as if they were stacked on to the tetragon.

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If you sum those four, then you’ll find that precisely the same as the broad of the rectangle, after you takeaway the red area. That is to say, in order to calculate the broad of the red area, you must calculate the four circles

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and then subtract it with the broad of the rectangle. As simple as that.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


And then I try to apply this method into my real life, to try to find the essence of my life,—or to find the hidden crap inside me.

Let’s just say I failed—or didn’t even start.

The whole thing had got me thinking about girls instead. My dream girl. What would she look like?

Cute^^
This?


Actually, I must agree with myself—see how I soliloquize?—she’s the first person that came up in my mind when I thought about the dream girl.

I really like the feeling of taking that picture. Do you understand me? I mean, I like the picture a lot. Not just the pretty girl inside each of it, but the whole idea of taking pictures this way:

A perfect Picture


You don’t understand. I can’t explain this to you. I don’t know how to.
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So today I was re-watching an old movie, one of my all time most favourite romantic movies. It’s called A Lot Like Love—hope you’ve watched it too, so you’ll know what I’m muttering about. Ashton Kutcher and Amanda Peet were in it.

You should watch this.

This movie was like Serendipity, it told about a love story of two people who met and dated for just a moment, and then was parted by their lives. A few years later, Oliver and Emily met again, but again, only for a moment, but enough to create the sweetest memory. They parted again. And reunited again. Each reunion was filled with love and memorable events. But things came between them, and by things, I mean real–life.

Near the end of this movie, Oliver suddenly showed up at Emily’s door, with an electric guitar tied to his shoulder and an old-fashioned speaker in his left hand. He sang Bon Jovi’s I’ll be there for you to her, publicly noticeable to all her neighborhood. She was just stunned and smiled, watching him singing his undying love with his awful tones.

edited by me :P


I think that’s the sweetest thing. It takes all the courage in the world, to face her after several long years of goodbye. And not to mention, that time, Oliver was broke. His life was at his worst. Living with his parents in the year of 30, I mean, come on…

True love always comes in the right time, such as when you confess your love to the girl you can’t get out of your mind. I used to believe that a very good strategy to win your girl would always work. But now… would it?
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After finishing the whole song—and been shouted “You Suck!” by strangers— Oliver turned to Emily and said (I always remember this line)

“So, I know you like Bon Jovi… so…”

She looked at him in silence for a minute before saying slowly.

“I… don’t.”

“Emily, … I’m flat broke. I don’t have a job. I don’t have a plan. And I know… I know I’m probably six years too late, but would you give me straight one back?”

Emily went quiet, she looked down at her feet for a while, playing with her fingers, her mouth muttering in silence, as if teaching herself the right way to tell him. But Oliver finished her words.

“You’re married.” Said Oliver losingly.

She shook her head and said softly.

“I’m engaged.”

I guess it wouldn’t work after all.

--------------------------------------------------
PS : Why men were punished because of his love?

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Deathly Hallows, The Cover!

This actually brightened my whole day.

You should see it. Wew. I wonder what's inside even more now.


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This is the US version. I like it yellow. And the view of the sunset behind Harry. That's just great.




Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

This is the UK's adult version. I like this one better than the children version. I think this is the one copy I should get. Oh yeah *smirking widely* !!!!




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This is the UK's children version. It's quite cool but it's also far from what I've hoped. The HBP cover was still better, and among all, still the best. But I like this one because it had me thinking alot about the plot and what will happen to those guys. What about that yellow thingy?

I am so looking forward to this book, still about 110 days left! Harry Potter has seemed to be the only thing that can cheer me up these days. I owe you one, JK Rowling. *sob sob*

And these links below are the links to the HUGE version of the UK, including the overview of the book. So, be careful not to spoil yourself!

http://www.bloomsbury.com/media/hp7adult_high_complete.jpg

http://www.bloomsbury.com/media/hp7childrens_high_complete.jpg


Soliloquist.

(http://www.harrypotterindonesia.com/index.php/topic,531.new.html#new)

Sunday, March 25, 2007

The Summary

As promised, I’ve returned. Today’s March 25th. Apparently, I’ve written this three times already. The first two was deleted automatically as the computer in front of me shut down due to the two damn blackouts. I had to rewrite and retype everything I’ve typed before. It’s very annoying. And each time, I became more forgetful of what I was trying to say. And now, I’m wordless.

Let me think back for a moment. My anger just spurred again, and I have to control it first before I can type this.

OK. I won’t type all the same details—which have been as blank as this white sheet. The bottom line was that today, was a failure. I slept last night with a small hope for today to turn any different. I was wrong. I was—as always—disappointed. She disappointed me yet again. And what I mean by she—is the whole living girl in my lifetime. I’ve tired of waiting, of bearing, of living it all.

I knew that I didn’t put much hope in it. But either way, I was forced to live another tedious day, same old day.

Actually, I was thinking about not discussing my pain, for it wouldn’t do me any better. Complaining about it wouldn’t make me feel better. So for today’s post, I wanted to create a little post of which I thought to be a brief summary for the not-too-very-far past of mine.

The Cat Fight

So you know that I’ve been fighting against my own self for these past few weeks. It was horrible. It was a battle of emotions, of which I’d become so vicious and nefarious. I wanted to explain it to you folks, and I wanted to describe how it was… how malicious I’ve become. I’ve tried to put it in several ways, and all I found was a dead end. At last, I realized that if I wanted you all to really understand how I feel—how it went—then the only way was to show you all directly.

I should warn you—the fainthearted you, that what you are about to see is an extremely irritably disturbing video about the battle of me myself. Either you find this line very troubling, or you are in no good enough condition to watch it, I suggest you to back off. I am NOT responsible for any traumas, nightmares, or sudden changes of behaviors this video might cause.



[If the video won't play (I don't know why) , go to this link directly : http://s38.photobucket.com/albums/e131/el_leaved/?action=view¤t=catfight.flv]

Got the idea?

The Confession of The Undying Love

This one right here, played a big annoying part in my terrible weeks. Love, I almost lost faith in it. Every time a true man with his true love and loyalty craves for a love from a girl who actually isn’t worth sacrificing, I always know the end of that story—for that had always been mine.

I hate the part where the stupid girl playing hard-to-get. I mean, if you can see what’s good from the man, then SAY IT. If you can’t, then don’t play games with him. Love is NOT a game. Idiot.

I hate the part where the stupid girl making lame excuses just to push the man off. I mean, If you don’t want him, then just SAY SO. Don’t give him hope. That was worse than yelling at him to FUCK OFF!

I hate the part where the man has to give everything in the world’s possessions and has to do everything just to prove her that he loves her, and then even THAT is still not enough. You will at last understand just how good the man is for you AFTER he leaves you. You can NOT know now, but you WON’T if you act like that.

That is the stupid girl I referred to




The Fakeness and The Hope

You know, as bad as it was for me, those few weeks of hell, at the end of each day, I would say to myself… “Before, I thought that today had been the worst of all, that it could not get worse, but I was wrong. This is worse.”

And I would say that exact same line the next day, and the next day after. It’s like I found a new low to sink in every day, or I just babbling with no sense.

I was a real man, was not I?

Yeah… all the people I’d asked answered me that way, it’s either because I was indeed that way, or it was said just to piss me off. I don’t know. For me, I was a real man, and that hurt the most. That was the ironic part, too—because I lived and am living in an imaginative reality.

I felt like I was hunting myself down. I searched and searched for the evil side of me and kept finding the my-claimed-good side of me. What the heck was that about?

er… please don’t look at me like that



I just hoped as time went by, I could find myself in a fortunate circumstance. Perhaps with a flock of beautiful angels surrounding me, or perhaps a peaceful apartment with glass-made walls and cozy couches, or perhaps just a constant shining red glow showering me above the warmth and relief.

constant, have I said?



pick one, won’t ya?

But for what it’s worth, living in a disguise wasn’t a really bad option, too. You could be away from your life for a moment. That’s a good thing, isn’t it? I don’t know, my break hasn’t exactly turned out to be the best idea of mine. But at least we could get a laugh out of it.
You know, it's good to be like this :


[If the video won't play (I don't know why) , go to this link directly : http://s38.photobucket.com/albums/e131/el_leaved/?action=view&current=Ohjesus.flv]

Oh, I’m an atheist. So I don’t mind. :P


The Acquaintances

The saddest part of break-ing was that you had no friend there to lift you up. Do you know why Tom Hanks risked his life to save a volley ball from being drowned? It’s because four years without someone to talk to, is exactly like having three weeks without someone who understand you.

No?

Yeah, —ignoring all your chatters and frowning looks— yeah.. it’s the same. Believe me.

But if there was a friend there to support me through those days, who would it be?



him?



That's Eddy, btw

Or him?



Voldie

or perhaps him?



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or maybe this sad-looking guy?


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or probably one of these four?



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or should I pick one of these foreign strangers?



Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
no? One of this guys? C’mon, talk to me.



Is it her? It's definitely her!

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those dreadful eyes...


Uh, don’t tell me it’s her.

Ah, I should find out later. I am so tired now. I think I’m gonna take off. This summary has not been a very successful one, has it? Life isn’t about summarizing things from the past, it’s about making jokes out of it.

See you in my next post.

Bye.






Er..



Why are you looking at me like that?

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Winter

Good Evening.

Today is Saturday, the twenty fourth of March, and the year is 2007. I have come back from my hibernation, break, or what it was I wanted it to be. I couldn’t keep my promise—to disappear for one whole month. It’s only 24 and I’ve been dying to make a comeback. Why? I guess… there were so many reasons. I don’t even know where to start. Maybe I should start with the small why, question of how come I’ve been away.

It’s simple, really. My computer broke down and I couldn’t finish it right away. I tried to, a couple of times, but—apparently—I only made it worse. So, I couldn’t write or post anything I like on my usual schedule. I have to wait, for the spare time I had in my delusional world, the NV, where all my earthy thoughts have been drawn away from me, I couldn’t even find a will to login to blogger.com

And then the complications arrived. The boredom attacked me viciously, as it never had before. I was lost. Then my real world started to fall apart. I began to think that I loathed my job. That wasn’t my dream job. Teaching wasn’t my thing. But the worst part was, I didn’t know what my dream job was. And that terrified me the most. I read in Jacq’s post about JOB and all, about the future and the preparations. I… I didn’t know what to do. I was panicked. I didn’t even have the courtesy to comment her blog like I used to do.

I was having a lot of thinking of my own—there was nobody there to help me. And then I realized that I couldn’t give up this job. It’s what the best I should do, but it wasn’t the best I could do. Do you understand that? No? Maybe I’d lighten you up. Being a teacher was a good thing, not great, but good enough to provide me with this life I was living. It’s paid well. But—as everyone was so ‘keen’ to tell me— it had no future in it. It’s a stuck deal. It was a trap-job. I could teach forever and it wouldn’t get me anywhere. And this scared me the most. I had known this fact for a long time then, but I kept telling myself to not think about it. But why didn’t I just give up this job then? Why did I stick to it? Until now…

I had to. And I have to. That’s the best I should do, for my family. Although it’s no good at all for me, I couldn’t support my family’s financial problems by working someplace else. It’s all about the money! Arrgh! If I were to start somewhere else, then I should wait for a long time—a year or two, or five—before I could get on my own feet. But during that time, I wouldn’t be able to help my family. It’s a freaking dilemma. But if I didn’t stop, then I would be teaching for the rest of my lives, which I’ve been quite sick of it these days. It gets worse each day.

The only thought that could keep me sane was that at least, this job could give me some money to save. For my so-called future. But could I just hang in there forever? Ah, maybe I’d start something new then, build a company of my own, run my own business. But when is when? Life is hard enough for a guy like me. I’m not even college-approved. Fuck life! I don’t wanna do this anymore.

Well, do you think you’ve drowned into this soliloquist’s darkest life? You haven’t even dived yet. The other reason was my love life, of which I’ve—sort of—abandoned.

Have you ever felt like ‘Oh yeah this is it!” and a few days later… ‘This is SO NOT it.’? Huh? What? Ah… I’m getting difficult at this. The simplest way is that I was disappointed in her, and then I did something stupid, and then I regretted it, but then I found it very awkward just to be alive.

You started to blame yourself. You loathed yourself. And now everything was blurred. You don’t know where to continue—or to restart, if it’s possible. But what? What should I do?

My love life had always been a mess. I kinda mastered it—messing it I mean. Since my first time I loved someone, I’d messed it badly. And then I had not courage to talk to her, to say sorry of else. Then I drew the distance… yeah.. the distance.. I hated that one. That one kept coming back. And then our relationship would be an endless cliffhanger filled with awkwardness and guilt. And I sure had no way to fix it.

When I was in high school, I thought that I’d loved someone—I was even certain of it back then, Susan. That’s her name, I suppose. I didn’t know how I turned out to be ‘in love with her’, maybe it’s just a puppy love, but it hurt me much. Yeah.. maybe it’s a precipitate infatuation. The point is, I was so madly thinking of her day by day and failed to keep up with the real world. I was so caught up in obsessing and ultimately ended up hurting myself even more.

Then I told her about my feeling and it tore our tiny friendship away. I remembered—I was walking alone in a heavy rain for about three days, I guess I loved the pain. After done torturing myself, I then realized—or accidentally initiated the fog between out friendship. It was hell. I somehow created a distance to maim me and her. It was the stupidest thing I’d done and I regretted it right away. It was a poor metaphor for my current state of affairs. I felt like I was having a de ja vu, or just forming one.

Later, I was condemning myself and was trying to make a difference. That’s when I started the hibernation. Except, I couldn’t really get away with my real life, my love life, and my own body. I entered into a forum of Harry Potter and began to distract myself by being extremely active on that site. I thought that if I kept myself busy, then I wouldn’t have to think about everything, the boredom, the pain, the worries, the mistakes, the future, and life.

Well.. now it’s been … what? Three weeks? Has it been better? Did it work?

No.

From what I could tell, it’s getting worse. I was frantically lonely. Even more. And then I tried to compose several short stories around Harry Potter. Usually, that kept me entertained and busy. I was playing games here and there, trying to get my mind off things. And still I couldn’t get the troubles behind me. I had bad mood for the whole week. I made mistakes here and there. I snapped at people brusquely for tickling with my emotions. I was starting to become sentimental. In the end of the road, I was just sad.

I was half-determined to get back to my usual life, the boring one (as if the hibernation was a difference), but after something rough happened to me on the Forum, I was starting to become angry again. I concluded that the break wasn’t working. That night, I decided to go back.

This month had been turning to be the worst for my psychological me. It effected all of my actions. It infected my behaviors.

Still I was craving to be back to my original life, not knowing that it would do me any good or worse. I don’t know, even now. It can simply turn worse than the worst. I have no hope in near future. Truthfully, I have nothing to hold on to. I am so weak now.

I wake up today to face the exact same day as before. The same old routine. And I’m getting older and older each minute. It’s only good that it’s a Saturday. But thinking about weekend with no plan was unbearable.


I should know
Who I am by now
I walk
The record stands somehow
Thinking of winter
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Your name is the splinter inside me

While I wait


About my computer, it was being repaired several times. I tried—unsuccessfully—to fix it and to use it for days. And then my ‘lovely’ brother who seemed to pay the slightest concern about it, tried too. He grabbed the hard disk, and took it to someplace I didn’t know (for I was NOT care anymore about that stupid computer, as my life had breaking in front of my nose) and then tried to repair it. I didn’t know how or could even care less, because the hard disk wasn’t the only broken part. What about the motherboard? The Monitor? And most of all, the damn power supply?!

Later, he said about having the compie ready for the day. I refuse to believe him and I put a very little amount of hope on it. Then later he said that the compie had been completely mended. The next day, I tried to open the computer. Neither worked. I confronted it against him (see? I was extremely harsh that time… he was trying to repair it and instead of caring and thanking a bit, I was complaining and yelling). He said that the thing—referred to the computer— had been repaired.

The next day, my mum said that he (my brother) had been able to access the thing. It was night time. I tried, and I failed to open it again. The monitor just wouldn’t on. I was furious. I blamed everyone but me. And I specifically blamed him.

The next day, my brother came to me and said that the thing wouldn’t be able to open at night (with reasons I didn’t know nor cared), and that’s why I couldn’t open the damn monitor. Then the next day, I tried to open it again. And yet I still failed. I was hopeless and letting myself to believe that that thing wouldn’t be opened for me anymore, for my brother could use it everytime (at noon, of course).

Today, I really wanted to open the god-damn thing and listen to some favourite old music and transfer some pictures I’ve been dying to. I could, finally, reenter the windows. Everything had been altered. The windows, the whole desktop. My data hadn’t been deleted but all the programs had. I didn’t care. I didn’t have the slightest desire to reinstall the softwares. I wanted to transfer the files from my CD, but I found out that my DVD-ROM had been ripped off. It was because the thing (the power supply couldn’t supply enough power for the drive). I was vexed.

But at least, I was able to listen to this song.


Thinking of winter

Your name is the splinter inside me

While I wait

.

And I remember the sound

Of your November downtown

And I remember the truth

A warm December with you

But I don't have to make this mistake

And I don't have to stay this way

If only I would wake

.

The walk has all been cleared by now

Your voice is all I hear somehow

Calling out Winter

Your voice is the splinter inside me

While I wait

.

I remember the sound

Of your November downtown

And I remember the truth

A warm December with you

But I don't have to make this mistake

And I don't have to stay this way

If only I would wake

.

I could have lost myself

In rough blue waters in your eyes

And I miss you still

.

I remember the sound

Of your November downtown

And I remember the truth

A warm December with you

But I don't have to make this mistake

And I don't have to stay this way

If only I would wake


This song had an uncanny connection to my broken self. I was feeling sad yet relieved. It felt like it was the only friend I had who understood what I was going through. And sadly, I was fully aware of it, that this friend wasn’t even a real one.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Break

Hi.
I need a break. I want to live my life differently. To try a few new things. And so for this whole month, I will NOT post a thing. I will be back again in April. See you.
Bam
Soliloquist

Sunday, March 04, 2007

A Back Turn

Hey, I'm back.

With my computer broken, tons of piles of works, new sets of DVDs of new episodes from my most favourite TV Series, my new and more and more uprising obsession upon Harry Potter, and the continuing boringness that still is striking me despite all of that, I have failed to log in to my abandoned blog and drop this single post I'd been dying to write. I miss writing about my feeling. Long and unmeaningful.

So what's up with me? My life has seemed like a long session of waiting, waiting for a silly thing to unfold. As usual, I would blame myself and soliloquize about how far I stand from the happiness. I didn't care enough to pursue it, or did I? I was so lazy lately. Nothing has seemed to be better. Nothing has turned to be more promising than the last time I claimed I was happy. And maybe it's been getting worse.

My love life doesn't improve as well as I hoped. I feel kind of ... ignorant lately. I care less about her and everyone else. I didn't do and think what i usually does. I didn't try as much as I did before. I don't know if I still love her, or not.

Well, she's been busy as well. I didn't go up her nose and intrude her busy world where she still has a life to run. But it seemed that she didn't do such things either. I was always happy to hear from her, but in last few days, we disconnected.

I had wished for several times now, for I could just tell her how I feel about her. It's all come down to one thing. Chickened out. Yeah, I'm not a very brave man in dealing with girls and women. But yet I could feel that the time is getting closer and closer. Even two days ago, I fell asleep with one convinced mind on telling her the next day. And so yesterday came, but with a little unpredictable and sadly unfortunate turn. I was able to meet her, but I couldn't have the right time, the right place, and the right way to tell her. I was forced (by my loathed self) to back off. I somehow failed again. One thing I appear to be good at.

One of the reason of me backing off, is that she showed me a lot of .. what should I call it? Life... one that I don't have. I was suddenly out of her league. I was like nobody. And in a bad way. It's like a giant pessimistic slap had covered my mouth with force. I was simply shut. And then she went away. My plan broke. My day ruined. My will failed.

Nothing much have happened in the last week I was silenced, not great enough to be written on this page anyway. Except a few things. One, there's a cute strange cat earlier when I was working and all. I played with it (her) and took her pictures and video of her kungfu-fighting with me. Yep, literally. I really wanted to post it here, but I haven't had my computer ready yet. Actually, I have, but I was too lazy to transfer the files. Like I said, I was dead lazy.

And oh yeah, I found out about my scramble friend from Minnesota a few days earlier. We have been lost in touch for several months. Lirahs, if you are reading this, know that I was really glad to hear from you again. Hehehe.

I have been in a deep waiting and anticipating of how book seven and last of Harry Potter will go. Terrorizing myself with complicated theories and drown myself in a fan-made forum seemed to have eased the pain. But they have made me more obsessed. I am not complaining. In fact, I am rather enjoying it, because I know, this feeling would be the last. Book 7 is the last installment from JK Rowling. I hate goodbyes.

It's March all of sudden. I have been always afraid of what the future might bring. I never would have thought that I'd be even more scared of it. To tell you the truth, I am terrified in thinking about several months from now. I know for sure that then will be a big change again. I don't want anymore complicated changes. I don't want another reason to make myself miserable, or more miserable than I already am. I hate that feeling. I sincerely hate myself, and am too afraid to admit it in this real life I claim to live!