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Friday, December 29, 2006

Are You [really] Having Fun?

Are you? That’s a question I don’t want to answer. Why? It’s just as simple as this. It’s because I don’t know the right answer, even for myself. Should I lie to myself? Should I tell the truth? But what does the truth matter when no one even cares? Should I just writing nonsense in this blog? Should I just change this blog into my personal diary? As far as I remember, when I started this blog, I dedicated it to myself, telling myself that this is the place I can scream my feelings to no one. The place I can expose all my selfishness and complaints, all my unspoken stories that could only be true in fairy tales.

But when one asks me, have I enjoyed my life lately? Am I really having fun? Well, in this post, I’m gonna try to answer it, as vague as I can, but as clear as possible.

Let me start by recalling what happened to me two days ago. (Well, damn right. This blog has slowly turned into a diary...)

°December 27, 2006 °

Wednesday morning. It is raining now, quite heavily. The best and most tempting thing to do now is to sleep behind the blanket. Instead, I woke up early and took a glimpse outside. It’s flooding again. The rain is pouring down every now and then. Sometimes it’s just drizzling and causes not much noise. But most time, the rain’s decanted so heavily that the sound it’s created disturbs me. I don’t like feeling this way. It’s like I am stranded in some unreachable place with no possible way out.

I watched Love Actually yesterday on one of Indonesia not-quite-disappointing TV Channel. I have watched it before, of course. But it was a while ago, and I hardly remember most of its story. In case you haven’t seen this movie, don’t worry, I’ll tell you what it’s about.

Love Actually is a British movie, starred by a great number of famous and talented artists such us Alan Rickman, Emma Thompson, Colin Firth, Hugh Grant, Rowan Atkinson, Keira Knightley, Elisha Cuthbert, Denise Richard, and more. This is a pack of stories about LOVE that surrounds people in the time of Christmas. Some are desperate, some are happy, some are falling in love, some are fallen from love, and some just believe, that in order to attain their greatest love, Christmas is the most veracious time of all.

This movie was very well written and deeply touching. If I may say so, it’s made me so jealous and it’s made me pity myself. Hahaha… I watched how everyone in the movie (even a child) struggling to conquer their insecurities and declare their undying love. They managed to do it so, at the end of the movie, right on the Christmas day. Ok, I’ll pick one of the stories from the movie, of which I thought is the greatest and toughest one. The most romantic one.

There was this couple, Peter and Juliet, they were just got married happily. And there was also Peter’s best friend, David or something (I kinda forget, but that’s irrelevant). David has loved Juliet since the first moment he saw her. And because Peter was David’s best friend, David tried hard to overcome his feeling and just forget about his forbidden love.

At the weeding, Peter asked him to video tape the whole thing, and so David did so. Only David then only recorded Juliet’s face. The whole tape only contained Juliet (and damn... she IS gorgeous!). So, after that, David kinda fled away from his own feeling. Except he couldn’t do that. So he excruciated himself, forced himself to sacrifice his own love. And it’s even harder coz Christmas was coming. Everyone was filled with love. So he lived by himself in his apartment, trying to make himself as busy as he could.

A few days before Christmas, Juliet (Keira Knightley) showed up at David’s apartment. She brought pies for David, which he said no to. She came in and wished to see her wedding tape. David was trying hard to stall her, making excuses, but none was effective. Seeing that, Juliet came clear with David.

She said, “David, I know that you’re Peter best friend and I kinda have this feeling that you don’t like me. We never really talk seriously. I am a friendly person, apart from my awful taste in picking pies. I really hope that we can be friends.”

David was acting really awkward for a minute and then replied, “Yeah… Ok. But that doesn’t change the fact that the tape hasn’t been found… so…

But then Juliet found the tape. There was a Peter and Juliet’s Wedding sign written on it. And so she watched the whole tape, slowly realized herself is the only thing that’s in the video. David, sitting nearby, was gazing through the screen unfocusedly. And then, as simple as that, Juliet realized why David had been pulling away from her all this time.

It’s for self-protection, you see. I… I think I just don’t wanna get hurt.” Said David, who then strolled away from her. David didn’t want to admit that he was already hurt.

So I just stand here this morning. Thinking about what I saw last night. And then I move myself to my computer. I try to write this story, so that I can post it later on my blog. But I can not finish it. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the pathetic side of me persuading me to keep writing and writing. I mean, for what? Why should I listen to this pathetic side of me, if it is pathetic? Or is it? Is it really so pathetic of me doing things like this? Or is the one that’s pathetic actually having me thinking about how pathetic I am? Well, I don’t want you all confused and drunk (drunk?), so I’ll do my best to keep this simple.

The bottom line is, I feel like I should do something new instead of just updating a stupid blog which contents are hardly true… So I stop writing that story and do something else. But it turns out I can’t do anything due to the unstopping rain. And it’s only me myself to blame if I have nothing to do today. So if think I am having fun, I am not being totally honest with myself.

°December 28, 2006 °

Today started with me forcing myself to wake up. The sky was quite clear and I was hoping that it wouldn’t rain. I was going to be traveling around today. And then I went to NV, learning about the whole internet connection in South East Asia was down. And then I went to see Eragon with a cute friend of mine, Nov_Sie.

Me and Nov_Sie

The movie was all awesome, and I knew I could enjoy it more if I wasn’t holding my urethra the whole movie. :P The dragon was sexy and cool. The special FX was fantastic. The acting was OK. And the mood was jovial. I mean, mine.

Today was a great day (well, thanks to you Nov_Sie—I mean, how many times do u have the chance to have me dragging you while you’re all drunk and wasted? :P). I kinda wish to have more days like this. And when one asked me if I had a great time that day, I could be really honest and told him/her that I was. I really was.

Later that day, a friend of mine came to me and saw me writing my blog. She asked me why I kept writing this, and claimed that I might be obsessed with blogging. Well, that was half true. Maybe I am obsessed with this blog, but it’s not because I have nothing else more interesting to do, it’s simply because I like doing this. And so I answered her. I keep writing this nonsense because it makes me feel good and hopeful. If it makes any sense to you, I feel like pushing away the aura of loneliness of mine while I am writing and seeing my blog. Friends may not be there for you the whole time. They may leave, they may be far, they may disappoint you, and they may forget you, but this ‘friend’ here… you can count on it.

If I must pretend to be happy in order to be really happy, then I shall. If I must have faith in my friends even when they’re not around—in order to be happy, then I will. If I must leave all my friends and face the loneliness once more, to be really happy, then I am going to. It’s just, am I really capable of making myself really happy? A soliloquist is a loner. He does whatever he likes to do, but he’s happy to do that.

Well, as selfish as it may sound, I really am trying to make me happy. Friends, if you are, please make me happy. Coz even if I know I’m the only one who can do that, but with having you guys around, I’m already happy. For everything else, come what may.

If one asks, “Are you really having fun?

Huh… let me see, I got my blog and I got my friends. Yeah, I am having fun!!!

PS : Finishing the story, David came to see Juliet on Christmas day and he told her the truth about his feeling, that he would always love her, until she looked like [he showed her a picture of an eternized mummy]. And then she kissed him, only for a second, but that made David went home all smiling. It’s easier to let go when you’re happy. Well, see… I have finished the story!

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