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Tuesday, December 05, 2006


They say when you pray to God for something to happen, God is the one who laughs at you and then ignores you. I don’t believe in God, but I do agree with that. Today is a Tuesday. Just the second day of the week, but it has been felt like a long time ago I had my last Tuesday. I don’t care shit about the time-stretching, the relativity that’s barely discernible. Perhaps I have had so many thoughts going on in my mind. Every fiber of my brain can’t even take it anymore.

I was sick to my stomach. Felt like vomiting all the time. But there I was lying on the bed, staring at nothing, thinking of everything. Every emotion I was led, every beat of pain that was hurting me, I recognized it all. I’d feared it all, but it’s all coming back to me. Disheartened I was, grieving for the hope that had been abandoned so immediately. With just a snap of change, I had lost my hope and my faith.

I was quivering throughout the night, shivering as nothing had held my feet on the ground. And it was so atrocious to see I had nobody there to fully understand what I felt. What did I feel? Exactly?

I was lonely, I was disappointed, I was scared, I was saddened, I was blind, I was hopeless, I was even more desperate, I was afraid to admit it to myself, I was in no place I could breathe, I was hurt, I was tired of waiting, I was not seeing. And I solemnly understood all these feelings. That hurt the most.

Falling is like my life’s path. The sensation from the beginning and what it feels like in the end. The old quote : One moment of happiness, One century of loneliness. At first, you won’t even think twice to jump, and so you do. And it feels like the heaven has landed on your knee, quickly absorbed to your very soul, feeding you hope, serving you joy and love, promising you more. And the higher you jump, the greater the sensation. And they taught you not to look down. They always did. For some people, they always look down to earth. But some do not. I certainly do look down, but I was too stupid to get the point. I know what’s waiting for me below, and it can’t be good. But I chose not to care, for the heaven had promised me that I wouldn’t need to.

But no matter how high you were, you are falling. Down. And so you gotta hit the ground sometime. To my surprise, I don’t mind the falling down part, not until I see what’s below me. What’s below me was a hard rock ground. And if I thought that I’ll be hitting it, then I was completely wrong. There was a hard rock ground, fifty feet of shit, and then me.

It’s a beautiful world, isn’t it?

PS : Here I am, listening to my own song, writing this load of crap. Sometimes, things inside this blog are far away from veracity, and most times, they’re just bullshits. I’ve warned you about the dark and sealed side of me. Thank you for wasting your time for me. After all, that’s what we’ve been doing this whole time.


  1. hi jel, another desperate blog.. haha.. more despreate one for sure.. well, be sure to have fun this thursday okie.. life is not like wat you always imagine.. you will shine 1 day.. n I always believe it.. (though your new pic looks like have been raped couple of times..??? (gk nyambung)).. haha.. btw, you r not lonely and you will never be.. coz you got me as your greatest friend.. ryte?? we will soliloquize together.. if you want.. haha.. smile ya jel.. you will look jel-er when you smile.. so start smiling.. :)

  2. well dun know what to say really.. either to thank you for you lovely comment or to yell at you for calling me "been raped".. haha

    Anyway, you still haven't lost your touch.. your comment still as cruel and vicious as ever..

    Bout thursday, u better make it work.. coz we wont be seeing much of each other these last few days.. know what i mean? and i think i'm gonna be able to squeeze my time this Saturday.. hehe oh i mean, saturnight.. lolz

    thanks for saying those things.. really needed to hear that.. and we sure can soliloquize together any time.. haha..

    remember what jel means to me personally? i still think that as the meaning.. so yes.. i am jel-er when i'm smiling hehe..

    Cya Jer.

  3. yup..very sad when reading this blog. kinda desperate as JacQ commented.

    well, see things the bright way.

    dont even think of the stupid things. our mother gave us this valueable live. we have to appreaciate it and live to the fullest everyday.

    when your are experiencing hard time, tell yourself: all ahrd time shall be past.

    when the happy times arrive, enjoy yourself.

    remember nothing is permanenet.

    you are not alone. you have jacQ, Me, and ur fren there! n perhaps, 'lovely' student!

    i know u can achieve soemthing in years after. so now is just an intermediate phase. after this stage, you will strong to get tru it and be patient to waiting something greta happen to you!

    good luck to you.