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Saturday, May 05, 2007

The Idea of Blogging

It was first come to me when I was feeling lonely. I needed a way to express my feeling. I had to share my thoughts and contemplations but I had nobody to share it with. I wanted to document my ups and downs but I couldn't think of any good way to do that. I wanted to share my pathetic world to the world but not to my world I was living in. What I meant was, I first wished that my blog would be a silent blog and I didn't hope for many people to leave comments on what I'd written. People from my world, at least. I hoped that my friends would not find out about this blog, so that I could tell as many as my stories and the whole truth about them without ever feeling ashamed or guilty for probably offending them.

But that plan didn't go on. I purposefully let my friends know about this blog. They have read and replied, some of them might just read and hidden. Took a glance and go away. I don't mind.
The Idea of Blogging occured to me as I was lonely. I was very lonely and I didn't like that. I think that was the worst feeling in the world.

Today, I am still lonely. I am feeling incredibly lonely and I can't explain it. I have these activities to do but they all blur out. They feel like routines. And they are. I need something new.

Each day I remember or realize I am feeling so alone, my heart sinks a little. I feel like an ice has been choked down my lung. I am sad and I am not happy. And I hear that life has two different paths. Life of happiness and Life of meaning.

Life of meaning is a life of thinking and obessing about the past and the future, so that you can finally understand the meaning of your life, to plan and to live for the future, and not ignoring the present.

Life of happiness is a life of making yourself happy today. And just that. Today. All you have to think about is today. What you do today, don't think about tomorrows. Don't think about yesterdays.

To tell you the truth, right now, I'm all about the life of happiness.

The only problem is.. that I have no one by my side.

And the scariest thought crossed my mind. What if I am to do things on my own? That will be a different life for me. I've never done this before.

And so right now. In this few moments to come...
I am going to do something I have never done before. I will try to accomplish this thing and I want to do this on my own.

I can't tell you about the thing, because what I'm going to do, It's not normal. You will laugh at me, or look down on me, or even feel extemely sad for me. I don't need either of that.

But I wanna tell you that I'm going to do that. Today. That will be a new thing for me. And that will be great.
I will tell you what happen then. Probably tomorrow.

Being totally alone is a very bad thing. If there is one thing I despise, that is loneliness. But perhaps I should view it differently today. Being alone may not be the worst thing after all.

Maybe I can be happy.

Maybe this way...

I can find a way to make myself

not lonely.

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