What I want(ed) for my birthday

Oh it was on Aug 19, by the way.

So why do we all celebrate the day we came to this world, if this world isn’t the greatest place to live? Wouldn’t one choose not to live in this painful life if he had the chance? Then why should we all bother to celebrate it? While I had no good enough answer to my own questions, I eventually said to myself that I should celebrate mine too, but only to have something different to do for once. And so I did.

on that day

Several days after my so-called birthday, I can say that I was having a very normal day which was forced to be a special day. I don’t know whether it worked or not, but it doesn’t really matter, does it? After all, for me that day was not even that important. It didn’t? Wait! Well, I have an unconscious battle within me that says it was important. The other side of me—the realistic one—said that it’s absolutely a stupid thing to do to even discuss about this.

My hopeful-side of me always believe that something special and wonderful will come along in my life. The realistic-side always begs to differ. It yells : “Wake up! You have no friends! Even on your birthday! Stop being like a teenage girl, for crying out loud!”

I gotta be honest, I can’t say I disagree with him completely.

But let’s just put aside all of that, the silly psychological battle… let’s just be hypothetical for a while. What if you’re born as a different kind of person who lives in a different kind of world and have different kinds of better friends? You are now a better man, so you do “believe in a birthday”.

What would you want on your birthday?

(I heard some voice replying at once : “Me? I want a girlfriend, I want a better job, I want a new computer, I want a new cool group of friends, I want Nokia N93i, and iPOD, DOPOD, TRIPOD, KEPOT, whatever…” but the voice was shushed away as I heard the other—better—version of me saying...)

I would want nothing at all.



*something wakes up inside of me*



“FUCKING LIES!!!”

(I can see the better-man-version of mine dissolves in to thin air, the face behind it becomes clearer and clearer. The messy face with a tired look upon it. My face.)

I want a companionship. Or like what Mary Jane Watson said in Spider-Man 2 : “It’s more than companionship.”

Yeah… I want some company… but one who can understand me and be there for me when I’m down. The one who needs me. The one with whom I share my special memories beneath an oak tree at the end of the road.

I want the one who likes what I like. The one who can sing what I sing… or even just pretend to sing. I want the one who is different from usual Medanese girls, who understands what it’s like lives in the other world. I want someone like that, so I can never be lonely no more.

Talking about “someone like that”, I saw this girl yesterday, a red shirted girl and who was just a perfect girl for me physically… She was always sitting at her cellphone shop, with her big sister I think. But she always looks lonely and sad, and whenever I saw her, I felt like I was looking at a female version of me. But hell, she’s beautiful and indescribably cute.

I went there yesterday to reload my cell phone. I’ve been there once before but it was a long time ago… I bet she didn’t even remember me anymore. But I was too shy to ask her name… with her big sister beside her.. I could do nothing.

Before I went away, I gave her a smile and she returned one for me. Feeling slightly amused and completely loathing myself, I left her and continued living my worthless life.

I often imagine me and her, how I introduce myself and ask her out… and of course she says yes. And I often did that when I was driving. I’m surprised I didn’t die out of car accidents.

.

Today, I'm still alone. I do everything that's boring and I abandon my own promise to do things I like. I don't even make time to get a haircut. It's getting worse. My life, that is.

But something happened to me just last night. It cheered me up. I was in a sudden contact with my old friend... "it's all relative..." ring a bell??

Anni is in town. I am hoping to be able to see her again, but I shouldn't get my hopes up. I've been disappointed too many times already. I'm scared to relive it once again.

Friends are friends.
They are like our mind.

Friends make friends.
I hope you don't mind.

Sorry for the lousy post and the babblings. I have no time to write a good one. Actually, I have no aspiration.

But I'll know it'll come out again. It always does.

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