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Saturday, January 13, 2007

Inside my mind [PART ONE]


I know I haven't posted anything for almost a week now. It's cruel (at least to me), but I had no time and chance to. It's a vexatious week for me. So bad that I don't even wanna talk about it. Ah.. and it's been raining for days too. There's not a moment in this week you could look up to the sky and the sun's there. I guess that could be a good metaphor for me to dwell in right now.

Today started with work and work. Oh, I'm sorry. By work, I mean getting wet and soaked in the road this morning, seeing some ungrateful lots, getting upset and furious, snapped and yelled at my students, and getting disappointed in a friend.

Today walks slowly and annoyingly. What else happened? Huh.... I was getting furiously mad to by older brother which I don't like and keeps presenting me with problems and vexations. It's so hard for me to NOT hate him. And also with my little sister who lives alone in her world but somehow still "needs" and acquires another person's help.

Helping my sister didn't annoy me, it's what happened after that did. I was on my bike again in a so-can-be-assumed-as-a-clear cloudy day. At least I knew it wouldn't rain. My rain coat was all wet. I couldn't use it if I have to. In the middle of the road, it (of course) rained. First it was only a drizzle. And then it turned out to be a blizzard-like rain. I could do nothing due to my another-teaching schedule. I tried to drive as fast as I can, but I got trapped in a traffic jam. Damn! It was a beautiful day.

By the time I reached the house I supposed to be, the rain stopped. Few minutes later, it has turned to a beautiful windy day. I had to finish my work there as fast as I could. I had nothing special planned for today although it's a Saturday, so I thought I would pay my friend another visit.

I keep thinking what my life supposed to be. How it was supposed to go. I still can remember one time, in my unspoken past, when I was a child and my parents told me that we would be moving in to a new house, I kept thinking about what kind of house would i live in, how my room would be like, would I have my own window beside my own study desk that I had always imagined? Would I have a bright big room with purple colour on its wall, a comfortable bed, a fresh and jolly atmosphere? Shall I be happy then? But then when I moved in to the new house, I discovered that it was a big house with plenty of rooms, but the rooms were not as nice as I had expected. However, I liked it very much and love the way my new own room presented itself. I didn't have any window, but I had one outside my bedroom door. It was nice to see how my life went at that time. That life was not exactly what I had hoped, but it was great.

But now, eight years later, do I still feel the same (even though I am not living in the same house anymore)? Should I feel the same? Should I coerce myself to feel like that? Wait, am I just admitting that I don't like my current lives? Maybe yeah, I am. Maybe I had a more beautiful life back then. A more joyful one. I used to live without any worries and thoughts on my mind. I lived happily like a bird. But now, my mind is speaking to me every second of my life, feeding me with uncertainties and doubts, feeding me with worries and what ifs, feeding me with the word responsibility with a big R. I think It's what should be paid in order to be an adult. Adult people always think a lot. But if I am an adult, then why do I feel like a kid?

I'm so sorry if you have read all this above. You have entered my head for the first time without having aware about it. I did too. I didn't suspect I would write all this here. I was planning to write a short post. Well, I guess my writing habit hasn't changed at all. Should I thank someone about that? How about God? It's hard to thank someone I don't believe to exist. Well, besides thanking myself, I guess I want to thank all you who have put comments here on my blog. I know that I have even force you guys sometimes (hehe) and I know that there're not too many people who comment on this. But I just want you to know that You meant alot to me, and you still do.

Well, I should pull my self out of this page if I am not planning any further suicidal activities. This hasn't been a good day for me. I still feel lonely though all the persons I care about told me that I will never be.

So how was your day?

--- Huh? Me? It could be worse.

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