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Monday, May 04, 2009

Discussion about love

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
There'll come a time, or many times, in your life, when you need to decide on something life-changing, and actually have the guts to do it. When it comes to love, I am always a shy person. I don't wanna be like that anymore. I need to show how I feel. It's my feeling, I shouldn't be ashamed of it, right?

So here's the deal. I first knew this girl like a month ago.. just a very short period of time. Officially, we knew each other three weeks ago. A week later, we met in person. And by that time, I'd fallen for her. She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen directly with my own eyes. I realize fully that I will be so lucky if she has any feelings for me. The first time I talked to her, I got the feeling that she and I would be really great together. Despite her gorgeousness, I saw a simple person inside of her, kind and warm, the one that's not been corrupted by the politics of relationships, the one who sees the best of everyone, and hopefully, me.

I tried to be close to her, to get to know her better, but at the same time, I tried to distance myself... I didn't want to be aggressive. The last thing I wanted was to push her away. I haven't got the idea if it's working now, but I will soon find out.

Over the past couple days, my relationship with her has seemed to spawn ups and downs. It's hard to keep my distance from her, so ironic, because we're separated most of the time anyway, but I really miss her. I think of her everyday. If they didn't say that love and obsession isn't the same thing, I would have called myself obsessed. But I think I'm just infatuated. Is there any difference?

The truth is, I don't care.

All I care about now is whether she'll say yes. As selfish as it may seem, I can't help but think that isn't now my time? People have got their chances. What about me? It's about time I have my own happiness for a change.

So that's what I do now. I'm trying to win her. I'm struggling towards my happiness.

Last night, we talked for hours, mostly about relationship. She said that I was different from the others, that I was kind and not boring, patient, and she thought I'm a relationship material. But I couldn't read her. Does she feel the same way about me? Or was I deluding myself? Does she have someone else in mind? Because it's now either me or someone else. And I'd rather it's me so much that my heart hurts when I think of her with someone else. Again, so selfish of me.

But is this selfish, for wanting to make her happy? Because I feel that deeply and clearly. It's genuine and true. I really want her to be happy, but I just want it to happen with me. From what I've gathered, I could tell that she has some heart-brokens in the past. I need to guarantee it's never gonna happen again. I will never hurt her. I think I'm this kind of man.

What's the chance of her rejecting me? Fifty-fifty, I'd say. It's such a big risk, because usually, at this rate... Fifty-Fifty in my life means that there's a 90% it will go wrong! But I have made my mind, because there's only one way to find out. So I'm gonna tell her how I feel.

And if worse comes to worst, I won't stop chasing her. I don't care if she's out of my league.

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