God is Not a Girl

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

Me : I don't care if he buys you nice things. Does his gift come from the heart? I don't have a fancy car, but to get to you I'd walk a thousand miles. Does he leave when you need him the most? Does his friends get all your time? Baby please, I'm on my knees... Praying for the day that you'll be mine! But my love is all I have to give ...

God : Hey You!

Me : Er.. What? Who's there?

God : You know, even if I'm omnipresent, it wouldn't hurt to call me sometimes... write a letter...

Me : Oh, it's you.

God : Nice. Could you be more excited to see me, please? After all, we haven't met for a while now, have we?

Me : Yeah.. I remember the last time we spoke.

God : So I figure, because you yelled at me several times the last time we had a little chat. I was guessing that you were having a bad time?

Me : Yeah... I was.

God : But now people up there are talking.. they say that your life has changed ever since you met a girl... What's her name? Will you tell me?

Me : Why should I tell you? Either way, you know her already. Probably even better than I do.

God : Yeah, I know Em. It's just politer to ask. I'm being polite, see?

Me : Whatever. My teeth are hurting. Do you know this too?

God : Yeah, it all happened suddenly last night before you sleep, didn't it? Right after you said good night to Em.

Me : Know-it-all!

God : Hey. It's good to say good night to her everynight. It shows that you care.

Me : Is it? Because I don't want to be too aggresive.. but then again, I won't succeed if I'm not aggresive enough... know what I'm saying? It'll be nice if I know how she feels about me. Do you?

God : Yeah, but I can't tell you that. You need to find that out by yourself!

Me : By asking her directly?

God : Do you see any other way?

Me : My friend Lina said that I shouldn't say anything just yet. We just met for a couple of times. It's still too early, she said.

God : And what do you think about that? Do you agree with her?

Me : I don't know. She's the one who's in a relationship now, isn't she? Some part of me wants to agree with her, and to postpone my plan. But the truth is, I really want it all to be clear. I want to tell her as soon as I can. But I want her to give me the answer that I want.

God : That's selfish. You can't force someone to like you if they don't. You should know that by now.

Me : Yeah, I know that. I just hate the waiting. The curiosity. The anticipation for the truth.

God : So what will you do when you meet her tomorrow? Or in a couple of days? Will you tell her?

Me : I think I'll see the circumstances.. I want to feel the moment first. If she gives me any signals or gestures.. to ensure me that I'll be okay telling her that.. then I will. Because who knows when will this opportunity repeat itself?

God : What if they don't come? The gestures or whatever?

Me : Then it will mean that the day is not as perfect as I hope, and I'll retreat. Try to buy some time. Arrange some future meetings. That way, I'll have more time in the future.

God : Do you love her?

Me : Maybe.

God : Do you think about her often?

Me : Often? I think about her everytime, twenty four seven. Whatever I do, I can't get her out of my mind.

God : Have you ever felt this towards someone else?

Me : I don't think I have.

God : Not even Cy, el_leaved, +avie?

Me : I guess this is different. It's the first time I really think I have a shot. I don't know why. probably because of what happened to me in the past few months... I've become...

God : braver than usual?

Me : Yeah!

God : I saw that too, two days ago.

Me : Are you talking about that thing at D Loft?

God : Yeah. You came to introduce yourself to a group of beautiful girls for the first time in your life. You do what a player would do. You are not Bambang Superwan that night. You were not socially retarded anymore. And it went well, didn't it? You've got their phone numbers too, haven't you?

Me : Yeah, I've got them.

God : Why didn't you call or text them? The one named Ernie, she's very beautiful. Even you said so.

Me : Yeah, I know. I wanted to, but then Em came to my mind.

God : So what? She's not your girlfriend yet. Think of Ernie as a friend with a potential.

Me : What, you mean a backup?

God : Uhuh.

Me : What kind of God are you?

God : Ahh.. forget it. I'm just thinking out loud.

Me : Wait. There's a reason why you said that. Do you know something about Em that I don't...?

God : ...

Me : Ah, you knew what her answer will be, and it doesn't good.

God : You and your insecurities! I just wanna hit your head with an oar!

Me : WHAT?

God : Don't tell me you're still as pessimistic as you were before? I thought you've changed!

Me : I KNOW. I want to change. You can't help what was already in the nature.

God : Oh please! Don't blame this on nature! You're all that matters. You're what you choose to be.

Me : Just shut up about it... and tell me what do you know about her answer.

God : I've told you I can't tell you.

Me : Then you're as useless as this monitor in front of me.

God : You do realize you're soliloquizing, right?

Me : Did you just admit that you're not real?

God : No, I'm real. Just not the same version as the one in your head.

Me : My head, yeah... the source of it all.

God : Now we're just babbling.

Me : What do you want me to say? You're the one holding the information.

God : Aren't you gonna tell me that I have the right to remain silent? :)

Me : But you're not human.

God : Yeah, but I can sing. I know that song you're singing earlier. Was it for her?

Me : Yeah... If only...

God : If only what?

Me : If only she can hear it.

God : She can.

Me : Really?

God : Yeah. You just need to make her listen. There is one way to do that.

Me : What's that?

God : Tell her.