The Longing [PART THREE]

Date: Thu, 07 Jan 2013 23:22:08 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Will" <rear_silhouette@dreamcanon.com>
Subject: (none)
To: "Sara" <flaxen_flame@dreamcanon.com>


Dear Sara,

It seems that you will not be back here, anymore. For good. And I will never have the chance to see you no more. I just want to say to you that I'm all right here. It has been so long ago. The precious moment that we had shared with each other in that one sweet day, I will never... I tell you now, I will never forget it. It was the best day of my life. I don't know how you feel about that because we haven't really had the chance to even talk about it. I don't know. I don't blame you, but you seemed to not care about that. I might be missing you too much that I didn't see this coming. Maybe you didn't live it at all. Maybe you didn't feel it the way I did. Maybe I was wrong this entire time. Maybe you don't even like me for once. It's OK. I'm OK now. Like I said, it has been too long ago.

But I wanna tell you about how it was for me this last few months. It has been about five months since my last email which until this moment I don't know if you have read and got that. And it's been half a year since we last met. I have lived my life normally. I have hosted a dinner party with out old folks in Thanksgiving (yeah you missed that), and I have attended Jane's Christmas party that last for the whole night. I think she was knocked up that day. :P (that's another one that you missed) The New Years' Eve was a blast. Ronny was French-Kissed by a number of fat women and church midgets. He had to run away when the countdown started :D. I was alone, though. You could be there with me, and we could have spent our cold night by the lake. I have had all of it prepared. Or at least I had it prepared in my mind, cuz I had known you wouldn't come. You weren't there.

Sometimes, when my head wants to explode, I burden myself with my thoughts about you. I know it seems like a stupid thing to do and can torture my head even worse, but somehow I find it comforting. There was this night when the rain was pouring down like the unstoppable tears and the surroundings had presented me with that old loneliness, I knew that my thoughts would be brought back to you. You popped into my head straight away. I couldn't help it. I was trying to resist you most times, but I.... let's just say it's an absurd thing to do.

Although our happy memories made me relieved and hanged me on to them, but they existed only for a couple of seconds. My uncontrolled mind had always run away from the happy parts and begun to pull the unsolved questions in. I was starting to think of your non-existence, and asking for the reasons of why you couldn't come back to me. Guessing and assuming is all I could do. I wished I could ask you in person and know that you can't stall. Just to relinquish the unanswered questions inside me.

And then I would get paranoid. I would start think that you have forgotten me, or that you purposefully didn't want to see me anymore. You have cut me off your life. I was starting to be sure on that, since all the evidence had been pointing to it. I loathed myself for thinking that. It was a serious miscarriage of my faith. Our faith. But then I asked myself that very sentence. Is it still our faith? Does that word "our" still have any meaning to you? I began to wind down and down. The pessimism in me had arisen so high that I couldn't stop it.

Here I am, still waiting after all these times. It's like I'm waiting for the lies to come true. I don't know what makes me still fighting for you. Why do I still do this to myself? I am thinking a lot now, as I am typing on this keyboard. Why can't I just bail? That's what you do. And you seem to have succeeded. I have been erased from your life. Is that?

Sara, I want you to remember one thing. With a blink of your eyes, time will fly. Two thousand and thirteen now, it is counting. It never stops. And the worst of all, IT FEELS QUICKER EACH DAY. You will meet another man in Paris, have a great life and other extraordinary events to unfold. I will be sitting here right on this spot. I may be unable to overcome myself. I may be unable to overcome the loneliness. They are two very strong enemies. (But I will try) If only I have you by my side. So I will only promise you one thing, cuz if anything shall happen, anything at all, to me or to you, I won't stop waiting for you even if I say I do. I won't forget you and all our moments together, even if I find out about you really cutting me off. I won't give up my hope and memories to the pessimistic side in me, even if I have lost and totally thwarted. If I lose, then let it be. The way life's supposed to be.

I will always be missing you, Sara. Today and Tomorrow.

Sincerely Yours,

Will Cleafant