What I want(ed) for my birthday

Oh it was on Aug 19, by the way.

So why do we all celebrate the day we came to this world, if this world isn’t the greatest place to live? Wouldn’t one choose not to live in this painful life if he had the chance? Then why should we all bother to celebrate it? While I had no good enough answer to my own questions, I eventually said to myself that I should celebrate mine too, but only to have something different to do for once. And so I did.

on that day

Several days after my so-called birthday, I can say that I was having a very normal day which was forced to be a special day. I don’t know whether it worked or not, but it doesn’t really matter, does it? After all, for me that day was not even that important. It didn’t? Wait! Well, I have an unconscious battle within me that says it was important. The other side of me—the realistic one—said that it’s absolutely a stupid thing to do to even discuss about this.

My hopeful-side of me always believe that something special and wonderful will come along in my life. The realistic-side always begs to differ. It yells : “Wake up! You have no friends! Even on your birthday! Stop being like a teenage girl, for crying out loud!”

I gotta be honest, I can’t say I disagree with him completely.

But let’s just put aside all of that, the silly psychological battle… let’s just be hypothetical for a while. What if you’re born as a different kind of person who lives in a different kind of world and have different kinds of better friends? You are now a better man, so you do “believe in a birthday”.

What would you want on your birthday?

(I heard some voice replying at once : “Me? I want a girlfriend, I want a better job, I want a new computer, I want a new cool group of friends, I want Nokia N93i, and iPOD, DOPOD, TRIPOD, KEPOT, whatever…” but the voice was shushed away as I heard the other—better—version of me saying...)

I would want nothing at all.



*something wakes up inside of me*



“FUCKING LIES!!!”

(I can see the better-man-version of mine dissolves in to thin air, the face behind it becomes clearer and clearer. The messy face with a tired look upon it. My face.)

I want a companionship. Or like what Mary Jane Watson said in Spider-Man 2 : “It’s more than companionship.”

Yeah… I want some company… but one who can understand me and be there for me when I’m down. The one who needs me. The one with whom I share my special memories beneath an oak tree at the end of the road.

I want the one who likes what I like. The one who can sing what I sing… or even just pretend to sing. I want the one who is different from usual Medanese girls, who understands what it’s like lives in the other world. I want someone like that, so I can never be lonely no more.

Talking about “someone like that”, I saw this girl yesterday, a red shirted girl and who was just a perfect girl for me physically… She was always sitting at her cellphone shop, with her big sister I think. But she always looks lonely and sad, and whenever I saw her, I felt like I was looking at a female version of me. But hell, she’s beautiful and indescribably cute.

I went there yesterday to reload my cell phone. I’ve been there once before but it was a long time ago… I bet she didn’t even remember me anymore. But I was too shy to ask her name… with her big sister beside her.. I could do nothing.

Before I went away, I gave her a smile and she returned one for me. Feeling slightly amused and completely loathing myself, I left her and continued living my worthless life.

I often imagine me and her, how I introduce myself and ask her out… and of course she says yes. And I often did that when I was driving. I’m surprised I didn’t die out of car accidents.

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Today, I'm still alone. I do everything that's boring and I abandon my own promise to do things I like. I don't even make time to get a haircut. It's getting worse. My life, that is.

But something happened to me just last night. It cheered me up. I was in a sudden contact with my old friend... "it's all relative..." ring a bell??

Anni is in town. I am hoping to be able to see her again, but I shouldn't get my hopes up. I've been disappointed too many times already. I'm scared to relive it once again.

Friends are friends.
They are like our mind.

Friends make friends.
I hope you don't mind.

Sorry for the lousy post and the babblings. I have no time to write a good one. Actually, I have no aspiration.

But I'll know it'll come out again. It always does.

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Backstreet's Back! (So is my sanity)

UPDATE : Download Here (HQua), or Here, Lyrics here, and SONG UPLOADED on my playlist over there ---> (Great song)


That's what ringing on my mind everytime my most favourite group announced their new single or album. That's right, Backstreet Boys is Back!

After a long hiatus since 2005, the last album "Never Gone", after the resignment of Kevin Richardson which made them a four-person-band, after I've assumed that a new album will not be made again from BSB...

They made their way back with their first single of their six album, the single is called "Inconsolable", a piano driven power ballad similar to Never Gone's "Incomplete." The album itself is called "Unbreakable", after several pending rumours that it could be called "Motivation", End to the beginning", and "Picking up the pieces".

I have myself instantly downloaded the single "Inconsolable", because I'm such a big fan of them... I know that the song will be great. BSB's songs have always been my great taste of music.

I have been introduced to Backstreet Boys since when I was in my second year in Junior High. The first song was "As Long As You Love Me", and I fell in love with it out of the blue. It's so long ago... until now.

Kevin's departure shocked me last year, but I couldn't do anything about it. Kevin has always been my idol. He can sing a song with his low-deep voice or with melodious loud-flat voice like in "I want it that way". He didn't sing the main vocal much, he was better in back-vocals. But Backstreet Boys without Kevin seems so weird and awkward. I don't know how the music will sound like, but I think, whatever it is, I will like them.

The promotional poster of the new-teamed BSB is kinda funny. They seemed to want to let everybody know that Kevin has gone. But They showed their sadness by putting Kevin's pair of shoes... It's like they couldn't seem to let go...

I couldn't too, so all I can do is to make my own Kevin, and make him stand where he supposed to be standing.

Am I really that bad in editing or is Kevin transformed into a "silly-red-alien"?

Anyway, the album will be released at October 30th, 2007. I will be sure to check it out.

I wonder what other surprising things will knock me out today, if there are any? I know I wouldn't be able to stand it if it's someone like Frans Lius suddenly greeting me and then shaking my hand...

... or if someone as gorgeous as Anita Tanjaya suddenly come at me, look at me in my eyes ...

Yeah.. like that have the possibility to happen!

I have been more alone than I thought these days. Everything I do seems misty. I can use some surprises along the way.. and good one that is...

I'm very happy about this news... there has been only a few happy things happened to me. This may easily be my silver doe.

Backstreet Boys always know how to cheer me up.. Hahaha...

I Still



I still (Live Version)
They're singing in the rain.. awesome!




Incomplete - Live from UK




Siberia - Live (My favourite in Never Gone)
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A piece of someone's life

A man woke up today. He sat up on his bed, which was messy because of pile of pillows and blankets he kicked unconsciously in his sleep. His hair was long and very untidy. He was still half-sleeping. He took his cell phone and glanced at the clock. It was six thirty. He collapsed again and back to sleep. Forty minutes later, he forced himnself to wake up. And then he did, at last.

He walked around the kitchen like a hopeless man, and then stopped at the sink and washed his face. He was getting ready all silently, tracing and doing all the things he did the day before, the same thing every day. He might just do everything by reflexes.

After serving himself a bowl of instant noodle, he got dressed and glanced back at the time again, this time, through the clock hanging on the living room wall. The clock was 5 minutes late, so he knew that he'd been a few minutes late. He hurried up and went outside, starting his motorcycle.

The road was windy and cold, but not really cold enough to make one's body shivering. He was driving a little fast. On that suburban road filled with native Indonesian people driving their own motorcycles, he slipped in to one of them, and then, disguised in his red-black jacket, glided smoothly on the asphalt road. He scratched his left ear using his left hand, while his right hand was still driving the bike. A kid showed up all the sudden from his left. He threw his hand hazily back to the handle and stepped on the brake not to hardly. He almost fell off his bike and his heart was thumping insanely. But the moment had passed. The kid was not nudged or hurt.

He cursed and continued driving more carefully. When he reached his destination, he parked, and began seeing his work. "She" was eating her breakfast and so he waited for her upstairs. Two hours later, a skinny boy came in. He sat beside the girl. The boy was lazy and he loathed seeing him.

Two hours later, he went back home. But before, he bought his lunch, the same as yesterday. He ate while watching the pilot of Friends. He laughed for the first time that day. He continued to watch it even after his lunch was finished. And then he headed in to his bedroom. He turned on his computer and opened winamp. He played some of the Backstreet Boys's songs, and some other slow songs. He shut down the monitor and lay on his bed. He grabbed a novel which was next to his pillow. He looked at its cover for a second. Chun Sue, Beijing Doll. He read one chapter. The third chapter.

He found a line there :

"Why do we always ask a lot from our life? It's disgusted."

He stopped reading, thinking for a while, that he too was always asking for a lot in his life. A better life, better job, better family, better house, better friends, and a better destiny. But as he read the next line...

"But why shouldn't we?"

He stopped again. Why shouldn't he ask a lot from life? Why should he ask so little? He, after all, deserved it after all this hard work and loneliness, after all this boredom and sacrifices.

He put down his book. He grabbed his phone, trying to login to MIG, just to see if anyone was online, but he couldn't login. The connection was lost, and it stayed that way after several times trying. He gave up. He relaxed his body and went to sleep.

When he opened his eyes, it was already three thirty. He ought to be hurry if he didn't want to be late again. So he prepped himself quite quickly.

When he reached his work's home, the two of them were already waiting for him. They didn't complain about his lateness. He didn't say anything either.

The two hours passed really slowly. After saying goodbye to both of them, he headed back downstairs and left that house eagerly. He had about one hour break before dinner and then he had to go to his last class at eight at night. SO he went to never land to kill time.

He opened his blog. There was nothing new. No updates from his already-few friends. He thought for a second, and then tried to write something. After no idea came out, he thought of one thing.

Loneliness.

That was his all-the-time topic. So he wrote everything about his day that day. It was sure a very boring thing to do, but he had no other things to do. After all, it could not be worse than the condition he was in that time. So why bother pretending that his life was not a wreck.

He glanced one more time to the time showed on his cell phone. It's up. He had to go now, have his dinner before finishing his another-boring-day.

He stood up, and for a split second, he saw a reflection of Bambang Superwan on the monitor. That face looked tired and sad. It had been like that all day. And there was nothing in his mind to suggest that he wouldn't have the same day again the next day.

Fire

There is something in your life, you've known it for so long yet you don't understand its meaning completely... until one specific time in your life, that's when you finally understand what it means.

For me, it is a song. An old song by Backstreet Boys. It's called "I want it that way". Someteen years ago, when I first listened to this song, I was only captivated by the tone, the group and the gorgeousness of them, but I didn't catch what the song means.

Today, I finally understand it, completely.

It is a very sad song after all. Why I can suddenly understand it? It's only because I'm living it, every word of it.

You are my fire, The one desire, Believe when I say, I want it that way.

But we are two worlds apart, Can't reach to your heart, When you say, That I want it that way


Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say
I want it that way

Am I your fire, Your one desire, Yes I know it's too late, But I want it that way

Now I can see that we're falling apart
From the way that it used to be
No matter the distance
I want you to know
That deep down inside of me

You [still] are my fire
The one desire
You are
You are, you are, you are

Don't wanna hear you say
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
I never wanna hear you say
I want it that way

Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain't nothin but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say

I want it that way


I don't know if you understand it at all, if you're reading it. Perhaps you can, perhaps you cannot. Perhaps you will be able to when you're living it like me, or perhaps you can understand it if you're the one this song is sung to.

I sang this song yellingly today, hoping it could make me feel worse, so bad that I should never feel like this again. And today when I see [saw] your name, I will not call you.

And it is even not the point. When you see me, will you call me?

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I remember

I remember when I finally touched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in the palm of my hands. I was so Happy and so eager to come home. To read the book without any disturbances. But that day I had to teach, so I had to wait for 7 hours… the longest hours of my life.

I remember when I finally got my chance reading that book. It was the mixture of exciting, horrifying, nervous, blissful, and tearful. To finally read the greatest book of all time, for that, Thank You, JK Rowling.

I remember when I finally finished reading the book. I was suddenly hopeless and soulless. The greatest thing had lasted. The happiest time had passed. I was sad, didn’t know what I would do without the feeling of waiting Harry Potter’s next book. It’s like some part of me was fleeing from me. I was incomplete. Two days later, I fell sick.

I remember when my throat hurt like hell. It drove a fever to me. I was incapable of lifting myself, both physically and emotionally. I stayed at home and didn’t teach for three days.

I remember when JK Rowling told the world that there could be a new book regarding Harry Potter, a character encyclopedia. I remember when she told us the answers to the unsolved mysteries after the book. I was so relieved, finally a hope rose within me.

I remember two months ago, I was committing myself to accomplish a few to do list. There are some things I’ve accomplished, there are something I haven’t and won’t.

Number one.

I remember telling myself to be more cheerful. I failed. It seemed that I couldn’t defeat the loneliness and boredom inside me, and those surround me. It’s my dream, it’s my deepest desire to conquer both the loneliness and boredom once and for all, because if there’s anything worse than death, they are. I admit that I failed to be more cheerful. Why couldn’t I? It’s simple. I have no friend.

Number two.

I remember asking myself to dye my hair blue. I failed. Though I really like to do that, I couldn’t because it’s expensive, my hair can grow rapidly fast, I have no friend to accompany me, and I’m a teacher. I still wish to do it, later in time, if I have the chance and greater motivation.

Number three.

I remember wanting to watch Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix at the theatre on July 13th. I succeeded. I watched it twice. Looks like I overdid it. But that’s OK. I love the movie.

Number four.

I remember my promise to buy and read Deathly Hallows on 21th July. I sure did. I finished the book in three days (the slowest I could do… really enjoying it).

Number five.

I remember to meet my old friends : Mei, Riwan, Watta, Jacq, HQ. I failed. I only got to reach a couple of them. But at least I tried. Something you just couldn’t do.

Number six.

I remember buying Nip/Tuck season 4. So I did it.

Number seven.

I remember saying to myself to buy some new jackets and clothes. I dare say that I failed thoroughly. After my mom’s cataract surgery, I was sort of broke.

Number eight.

I remember committing myself to exercise more, so I went to gym. I did it. But as time went by, I became so busy that I found it very hard to find the time.

Number nine.

I remember telling myself to go to karaoke and sing some James Blunt’s song at July’s first weekend. I failed, unfortunately. I love singing, but like I’ve told you before… I have no friend to go there. There was a time this plan seemed to work out, but it was too expensive that my that-time-friends wouldn’t do it.

Number ten.

I remember asking myself to memorize the Heavy D song, Now that we’ve found love. I failed, only because that song was too damn fast. I couldn’t keep with it. And the lyrics I’ve found wasn’t complete. In several weeks, I got bored of the song.

Number eleven.

I remember my promise to change the blog layout, but I failed again. I plan to do it though… I have collected the data for it.

Number twelve.

I remember I told myself to meet more people and make new friends. I succeeded. I met some new interesting people from the gym, but they didn’t last for long, so I guess I failed again.

Number thirteen.

I remember my great promise to go to bank more often and save more money. It’s funny, when I have a big motivation on things like this, it turned out I couldn’t keep it. It’s only then my dad borrowed money from me for an emergency of his. I helped him because he’s my dad. That time, I promised not to withdraw more money from my account, and then I found out that my mom had to have a cataract surgery. This time, I drew more money. It’s an inevitable thing. I didn’t regret it and I won’t. But I have to say that I failed again. Today, I promise to heal my financial side. I will work hard.

Number fourteen.

I remember learning to play sodoku. I must say that I ---- the person who likes math and numbers, hated sodoku. I refused to play further because I find it boring. So, I failed. But I didn’t regret it.

Number fifteen.

I remember telling myself to go play bowling or learning how to swim. Just as I thought, I failed. It’s a very sad thing.

Number sixteen.

I remember that day, then I told myself to give up Cy, and be her good friend. I didn’t know the answer to that until today. I FAILED! But it was a complicated failure. I did try to give up my love to Cy, but I really and really couldn’t do it, because I kept thinking back about her. I couldn’t get over her. But then something happened today. I was very disappointed by her. I’ve tried to be a good friend and I have succeeded in doing so for two months, but now, after today, It looked like I have become a bad friend. I was really sorry to see myself unable to do anything to make her happy, but she kept resisting me. She couldn’t see the good in me and I could do anything more to change it. As for today, I am finally able to give up Cy. That I succeed, after all. I just am not being her good friend, anymore.

Number seventeen.

I remember to watch Shrek 3 and Fantastic Four and the Rise of Silver Surfer. I succeeded. I watched Shrek 3 with Riwan, and Fantastic Four with… with… oh.. I have an awful memory.

Number eighteen.

I remember (I don’t know what I was thinking) telling myself to complain less about Indonesia. I sure failed. The blackout torture is still tormenting me. I remember reading someone anonymous wrote in my comment box, stamped me as an “immature fella” for hating my own hometown. I just wished whoever he was to ever experience a life like mine. Then he shall see things in my perspective and know why and how I feel like that. But then again, I will never know that, even if he is living a life like mine. So why bother? I hated Indonesia and I still do. Why? Probably because I hate everything about myself.

Number nineteen.

I remember rereading Harry Potter and the Order of the phoenix before the movie came out. So I succeeded.

Number twenty.

I remember asking myself to do it all, my to-do-list. Let’s see. I succeeded six out of nineteen. I failed 13 of them. So I guess I failed this one. It’s not by choice, and you will for sure disagree. But, I just have to say. If I had the chance, I would have done all of them in one day.


I remember today, after all that has happened, after three weeks absent from this blog, I finally understand how my life always fails me.

I remember thinking and hoping, when I saw a couple on their motorcycles, hugging each other, or a couple holding hands while walking, or cheerful smiles carved on their lips, that I should deserve it as well. Why isn’t it happening to me? Why can’t I?

I remember myself, being very near you today. I was almost there, I was … scared. So I ran away. I am, after all, a pessimist. You don’t see me, so I couldn’t bear to see you. You don’t want me, so I don’t deserve you. Goodbye, Cy.

I remember it clearly when a song from a long time ago sneaked in to my head. Skies are dark it’s time for rain, final call you board the train, heading for tomorrow…

… say it isn’t so, tell me you’re not leaving, say you change your mind now, that I am only dreaming, this is not goodbye, this is starting over, if you wanna know, I don’t wanna let go…

… how can I be smiling like before, when baby you don’t love me anymore...
… how can I be smiling when you’re gone, when baby you don’t love me anymore…

… I’m still alive but hope just died …


I remember when ….

I remember you …

I remember that I failed…

I remember the present, as I am holding it now, the evidence of my foolishness, the proof of my fear, the outcome of my loneliness.
I can’t defeat you, after all… damn loneliness…

I remember everything—the pain, the sorrow—just when I don’t want to remember anymore…

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