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Saturday, September 29, 2007

Mind Trouble, My Trouble

It was the first night in weeks I went home without the sky washing me out. This wet weeks gave me both prudent and gibberish thoughts. And so here I was, driving alone in a newly repaired road ahead to Tembung, the most tranquil place I've ever been, at least to me alone, it was.

The road was empty for several long meters, probably everyone didn't want to stride along this chilly nights several minutes after the big rain. I did. I kinda had to, actually. It's time for me to go home and have my delicious dinner I'd been craving all day. I was starving and out of energy, and yet my mind didn't want to take any time to rest. It wandered around, spoke to me about a lot of things my eyes saw. It's really annoying to have an unsilentable voice deep inside you telling you everything you didn't have, everything you should have had.

I often argue with them, the voices, but most times I just listened in, and accepted the truth they were telling me.

The lonely road became more crowded as I marched in a lighter area, near the bridge in to Tembung. There I saw a motorcycle striding past me, a long haired girl at the back seat hugging her driver as they moved quickly. I watched them intently and surreptitiously as well. They were talking against the heaving wind but I couldn't listen to any words they said.

Then they blurred away, my thoughts criticized me and compared me to everyone I saw. Another couple showed up from behind me. I looked at them again, my thoughts annoyed me again. This time, the girl was pretty and she leaned her chin on her boyfriend's shoulder. And she stared at the sky, obviously thinking about Fake-God knows what. But there's a happiness scratched on her face, and suddenly I strongly didn't want to see mine.

When I took a left turn and entered a smaller and much quieter road, I thought of my friends, and my non-friends. All in the past. They were so far away that they didn't have a clue of what's happening to me. Nor that they would care anyway.

Then I recalled Frans Lius and his girlfriend Yessie, the one I'd never met again after high school and the one I'd never met in my life and probably never will be. It's funny I suddenly thought of them. Was it a trick act that my mind created to annoy me even more? Or was it just a stray thought of what life was for everybody, different and unfair?

I was so tired I parked Smashie recklessly, she groaned at me but I didn't care anymore.

My mind dragged me into an emptiness, an abyss of loneliness and insanity. Have I lost my mind? Oh, dear. I wish I had. It kept bugging me!


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