One Man's Dream

A random girl appeared out of nowhere, resided in my life, changed everything.

A random girl had a long delicate hair, sharp eye, but warm.

A random girl worked at somewhere, all by herself, until I came along in her life. Funnily, I saw no possible explanation for that.

A random girl at a random opportunity, a tiny possibility, it was almost absurd.

A random girl, how can one live loneliness all day find one live loneliness all day? Separated, divided.

Awwww.... my head my head my head....

somebody.

light to shed.

her.




Aw, that was just a dream, or was that?


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The OneHundredth

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that phase.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy

Probably

To tell you the truth, I’d accept a little craziness in me… cause at least it wouldn’t be boring.

The last ten days were like a whole new life, and worse, too. It seems like I’ve really had my death. And now it’s hell time.

There has never been a time like this in my entire life. Everytime I thought “This is it! This is the worst.” The next few days proved me wrong.

But there are a few things I saved in my mind to keep me hanging. Prospects to linger on. And this post is one of them. One that I’ve been delaying for a while now. This is my one hundredth post! At last! I’ve come here. (And I will also take this chance to re-review some of my favourite editted pictures... All pictures below belong to Bambang Superwan.)

Happy 100, soliloquial.blogspot.com! You’ve grown far and been here with me for several months. Eleven months to be exact. That counts as something. I promise I’ll never abandon this blog. Not after it reaches this far.

And so in this special entry, I will re-journey my life from the beginning. Consider it a semi-auto-biography or whatnot. So here it goes. This may be one chance for you to re-know me. To start over. Afterall, I've been dead once and reborn in this hell-like reality. That fits!

My name is Bambang Superwan Djohan. That's my original name. But I don't really like it. All three words of it. "Bambang" sounds very Javanese. "Superwan" alone have given me bad times since I was a kid. People laughs at me, at it, every time they hear it for the first time. They mock me, but I have gotten used to it now. Let's just say that. "Djohan" is my father's father's name. I don't really like him as well. He is the one who gave me this name. After all his "proud education", he still couldn't give me a normal "neutral" western name... like Alex, or Mark, or Kevin, or whatever. No no no.. it's Bambang. For crying out loud. Thank you, "Grandpa"!

I have thought about changing name later in the future. The nominees are Will Cleafant (which I created on my own in 2004), or Ken Silver (an imaginary detective I created when I was a kid), or perhaps just a normal name like Mark. I always like to think of me as a Mark. Do you agree?

I lived all my childhood in Kaban Jahe, a small town in North Sumatera. I hardly went on vacation. My favourite ones were "going to Medan to visit our relatives". My family had them several times a year, and I liked them so much because we got to travel with a green-black Kijang car in the middle of midnight. And I always liked it when all three of us (me, my older brother and my younger sister) were in the back seat, with blankets and pillows covering us, we were pretending to be asleep, but I knew perfectly well that I was very much awake the entire time. I like the cold wind, the scary mountain views we encountered in the dark. Sibolangit, Sembahe, and Bandar Baru never seemed scarier. I always chatted with my sister and we counted how many trees we saw as accurate as possible. We also counted every single turn... how many left turns and how many right turns from Kaban jahe to Medan.

I will never be back to those moments anymore. It was so long ago.

This was actually my happy place, but one I can't visit very often.

I was schooled in Methodist, both KabanJahe and Berastagi. It was a great school and great memories too, until I was joined in a class full of bullies. I hated that and I always will. I was always afraid of them. But now, if I ever get back to that town and meet them face to face, I will show them who's the real man then, and now.

When I was in my last year of Junior High, I began to communicate with someone in Medan. Her name is Meiwina. She was schooling in Sutomo-1, as I had heard, the most prestigious school in the city. At those moments, I never thought that I'd be in the school too. But I did, and not only that. Somehow, we became really good friends and we shared the same class for two years. She was acting as my mother on a comedy-parade, and I was Eminem. What a hillarious moment. I can never forget that.

el_lightz, el_marshall, el_limited, el_raven, el_dios, el_pianist, and el_R34lL

My old 2-2 class symbol.

After I graduated from highschool, my future seemed to vanish slowly due to my family personal issues. I was forced to go to Jakarta and live a total different life. After a few bitter adjustments, I got in to a good college. It's called Binus University. I took the IT major, but I didn't finish it.

I stayed there and made some good friends... in fact... there were some really great friends I have been close with. It's so sad that I have to go back to Medan to restart everything again. And that was probably the worst year of my life, if I am to omit this year.

I actually had a friend looked like her


I loved this song, its meaning was unforgettable

My family's problems were finally over. But it caused my future shattered and left us with very little money. So we really need to start over again.

I got a job, a teaching job. I like it but I didn't really like it. It's the only thing I could think of doing.

Slowly, we were lift from the scratch. We became better. I became better.

That's not really my computer. I never own such a cool thing, yet.


Oh, I like BoA!

Three years later, I started this blog. I have a lot of cyber friends. I have a lot of obsessions and infatuation. That kept me alive. Though I didn't know what's the reason I was living, I was still happy.

It was good times. Good years.

And then I met Cy. I became obsessed with her. I told myself to not to put much hope on that one. But my emotions and my feelings made me forget. In short, I was shocked when I realized the one thing I'd realized so long ago, that I could never be with her.

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice
Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

After that, I have myself thinking about everything in my life. Expect so many things I can't have. And when I can't have them, I become sad.

"I'm a bad witch... but with just a click I might just switch..."

There are not so many things changed since the year 2005.

My Friendster Profile, a while ago




My freak friends gallery, both 2005 and 2006. I wonder where's 2007.




Hover mouse to see additional descriptions

But there are changes.

"however vague it may seem, it's still my future..."

I think what I'm trying to say is... that I've changed. I've learned a few stuffs. Look at me, I'm different. "Punch me, I'll bleed!"

(for bigger pictures, click them)

Everyone starts over when they feel like it.

Everyone starts over when they want a new chance.

Everyone starts over when they are hopeless and don't know what to do.

Everyone starts over.


With everything that has happened to me, from my painful illnesses several days ago until my new hell I'm living in now... from the un-sent postcard that broke my heart until Jacq's closing blog... from my depressions and attempted suicide until my newly hoped plans... from my loneliness until my still loneliness to come...


Please let me start over.

I lost a friend, I find a friend.

I lost a love, I find a soul mate.

I lost a habit, I find a new.

I lost a smile, I write a long good onehundredth.

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably

In the end, I still crave for a bit of craziness.

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My Suicide

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Aug 31, 2007

After a long time of kidding about committing suicide, today I found myself really thinking about it. Seriously.

(I have so many many many thoughts about everything. Everything keeps coming back to me now. Funny, they say when you're about to die, you get to see flashes of your lives...)

Earlier, when I was on my bike, a sudden thought, which never crossed my mind before, crawled its way into my head. I thought, what if I purposefully run into a random car and smash myself to it in a high speed? I even felt like doing it. That's what surprised me. I just talked myself into an accident so that I could lead a different atmosphere for once. Man, I'm totally fucked.

In the end, I only passed the cars and went home safely. But the thought of hurting myself didn't vanish, on the contrary, it developed into more suicidal.

I've been thinking all day, what's the best way to commit suicide? I don't want it to hurt, and I want it quick.

A few ideas came to my mind. Burn myself, no that's too painful and slow. Shoot myself in the brain. No, where can I find a gun? Jump from the top of a building. No. I'll encounter fear before it and probably back off in the end. Drink a poison, a tin of pesticide or kerosene, but no. It'll also be painful and not guaranteed.

("cause you made promises that you couldn't keep, you're not hurting yourself, you're only hurting me...")

When I think to slit my wrist, I imagine a very painful death. I don't want that. I have enough pain in life as it is.

There is one way actually. It's not painful, it's quick, and I can die in the way I like it. It's called the "Suicide pills". It's a pill that will kill you after making you fall asleep before. So you'll feel nothing painful and you'll be like sleeping. I can die in the way that I want it to be, where and with whom. The only trouble is that I have no idea where to find it. I know it exists, but I think it's secretly made by American government. It's almost impossible for me to get one, and with my current situation, I don't think I'll manage.

So, back to square one.

("I know ugliness, now show me something pretty...")

Wait, why again I want to kill myself?

I really don't want to talk about it. Just writing this has made me having doubts. I do think about a lot of people. My family, my friends. Oh, my friends... is there really such a thing?

Recently, a few of my friends have talked to me regarding my current condition. I don't know what their real intentions were when they talked to me about all this. They complained and yelled... pitied and confused. They said things they knew according to their ways of thinking. They saw my problem through their perspective. I don't even think that they could see it. They had no idea really because I wasn't telling them.

("There are moments when I don't know if it's real, or if anybody feels the way I feel.")

I don't know if they actually tried to make me feel worse or feel better, but I didn't get the consolation. So I often cut off the conversations and left them hanging wherever they're hanging.

Some friends were actually trying to understand me. I didn't thank them and I felt that I didn't need to. Some were even blaming me for my own life. They even told me that it's all my fault and it was I who caused my own troubles and I, only I, the one who had been dramatizing every single things, making it a big deal.

Of course they thought that way, I didn't tell them anything and they didn't understand. They couldn't understand unless they're living my life. And I am not feeling like trying to make them understand me.

("Oh what you say? Mmm.. that you only meant well... well of course you did... mmm.. what you say? mmm.. that it's all for the best?")

"Why do you keep resisting to tell us?"

Because I don't feel that I trust you, since the truth is, you are not inside of my life right now. You don't give me hope nor happiness. I don't find peace when I'm with you. Not anymore.

You don't have to tell me that I need help, professional help. I know that. I don't want that. So don't bother care. After all, isn't that what you've been doing all this time?

("now now darling, oh don't kill yourself, cause none of us were angels...")

"So the best way is to kill yourself? Where's your common sense? Do you know how sinful that is?"

I still have my common sense. I know what I'm talking about and I'm sick of it. I do think of the people I love and care. But nothing is better living this way. I am tired, and you're tired of me too. You're sick of me, CONFESS IT! I don't care about sins and don't even bother to tell me about GOD and HELL.

"Yes, I'm tired of you"

I don't blame anybody for feeling that.


("I could die from being boring... As for loneliness, it greets me every morning...")


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Today, September 01, 2007

I am feeling a little better. My loneliness is still with me everywhere I go like before. The pain is still overriding me. But I am trying not to think about it so much. There are persons in my mind, if I don't think about them, I will feel less painful. And so for this whole day, I am a hollow man. I don't feel much today, coz whenever I do, all I can feel is pain. I don't know how that even possible. But as weird and absurd as it seems, I am less human today, emotionally speaking.

I found a new hope and I made a new promise to myself today. It's not something dramatic and it's got nothing to do with love, soul mates, loneliness, or my usual other self-pities. It's about what I do to get what I want.

I've decided that...





I want a notebook.




Oh, damn. I didn't expect it would sound this ridiculous. But I know that if I have something new and great in my life, I will somehow be happier than I am now.

And a thought of owning a laptop just entered my mind and amazed me. I have always wanted a laptop but I've never thought about buying seriously, partly because I knew I couldn't afford it. It was so expensive. But what about right now?

Today I went to see a promotional computer bazaar. I filled my eyes with beautiful laptops and I didn't need a long time to find which one I like.

It's the ACER TravelMate 6291.

It's not the greatest and the most expensive notebook I've ever seen. But I love it so damn much!

Intel^® CoreT2 Duo processor
Up to 4 GB of dual-channel DDR2 667 MHz memory
160 GB HDD, 1 GB RAM
wide-aspect 12.1" screen
Enhanced Acer Disk Anti-Shock Protection (DASP)
Acer Crystal Eye webcam 1.3MP
Enhanced Bluetooth^® 2.0+EDR
Wi-Fi^® Protected Access (WPA2) and Cisco Compatible Extensions (CCX)
Wake-on-LAN-ready
A 5-in-1 card reader
Type II PC Card slot, 3x USB 2.0 ports, IEEE 1394 port (4-pin), external display (VGA) port

Fuck!

It's not so expensive too. US$926.3 times Rp.9500,-
That's about Rp.8,800,000.-

Oh, How much I hate Indonesia.

Too bad I couldn't buy it today. If I did, then I'll be a starving homeless fella for a month. But I promise to do that in due time. Maybe not the exact notebook, but I'm sure I'll love it!

At least that could distract me from killing myself.

...



I wonder what would have happened if I did kill myself yesterday. I would have left all my friends, and I would have also killed my memories.

Talk about memories, I was really great to have one with Anni the other day. It's great to be able to see her without any usual obstacles or typical disturbances. I am glad. Anni is different. I can talk to her and won't have to.... you know...

I can say that I was pretty honest with her. I used to have feelings for her when I was in senior high. Now, I have no longer recognized that old mind of mine. She's been staying in a better world, and as far as I concerned, I am happy for her. But the funny thing is that she's not actually a close friend of mine. But I like being friends with her. Somehow.

She will be leaving from this town in two days and go to Singapore. I don't think we will meet again for some time. But remember the last time I met her? It was like almost a year ago, and I thought that I wouldn't see her in years' time. And three days ago I just met her. Who knows?

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I remember when I was reading some novels, the grim novels about depressions and suicides. The way Nina planned her suicide in "Subject Re:", or the way Lin Xia Fu acted against her loneliness. There are people in the world who are like me. I feel that my problems are so complicated, and yet there are probably millions of people out there feeling the same as I am.

Should I be grateful? Relieved?

All I know is, I am still alive, but my heart is ailing.

We never know what can change us. We never know what can happen. This can possibly be the beginning of something beautiful, or this can easily be the end.

And if I die, then this is really the end.

WYSIWYNG

If there's one thing I've learned out of being alone for a long time, is that you can't get your hopes up too high when you want something good to happen. Cause, in my world... what you see is never what you get.

see what I mean?

At the end of each...

... begins a new.

Dating in America and in Indonesia is totally different. When you see how Indonesian people do it from the western perspective, it's a really funny thing, if not awkward. I am an Indonesian, but to tell the truth, since I don't really fancy about this country I'm living, I always like the American way of things and that includes the dating style. Indonesian dating style is very uptight, unromantic, and so not classy. It always contains pretending and disregarding of other people feelings. I am no expert of dating whatsoever but at least I can tell when I'm having some awkward relationship that is unclear and vague. Boy, what a waste of energy, time and money.

Here are some things I notice about the difference between American and (lousy) Indonesian dating culture.

1. Before, before the date takes place, the guy and the girl make an appointment, a date, where to meet, and when. About transport, it's not really a big thing. The guy will be there on his own way, and so will the girl. If the girl is having trouble at some point, she can call the guy for transport. Or sometimes the guy offers her without her asking. That is considered "sweet" or "Sure, thanks!". Bottom line, transport is no big deal. Back to Indonesia, somehow there's an unwritten law that the "guy" must provide the transport, and it is a very big deal. The girls know it, the guys know it. They just don't talk about it, openly at least.

2. During the date, they both know to focus about the night. About the two of them. They get to know each other and talk respectively of their lives. The main idea is to have a great night, a great date. They both know that they don't know what's about to happen. Can this guy be the guy? Can this girl be the one? Will there be a second date or else? Back to Indonesia, everything is talked during the date, sometimes even roughly stuffs that don't suit the situation. The objective is NOT to have fun, but maybe to prove to the world that he or she is already having a boy/girlfriend, maybe to fulfill their own selfishness, or worse, sometimes it's just a mere exploitation. Fuck love, they say.

"Honey, I want to buy some clothes and shoes later OK. Why don't you accompany me?"
(buy it on your own time, dammit!)

"Honey, Do you know that A has dumped B and My mother has told C that D has been married to E?"
(I don't know and I don't care! This night is supposed to be about us... why is everyone in Indonesia so stupid to realize that?)

3. At the end of the date, this is what's supposed to happen : The guy goes to her place, and then he looks at her in the eye. The girl shall say, "I'm really having fun tonight, James."

"I am having a great time too, Halle."

"The dinner was .." and they nod at each other "great. Yeah it is."

And then the possible lines after that are...

"We should do this again."

or "I'll call you."

or "Yeah.. that would be great."

or "... James?"

or "Uh uh?"

or .... "Do you want to come in?"


Back to Indonesia. At the end of the date. There will be no acknowledgement about how it went that night. There's no bother about what you think and want to say deeply (because probably they are not human enough to feel it, or probably just that stupid to!), so there will be no lingering memories when it ends. How can some people say it's romantic? I really can't understand, coz whenever I went through this.. I would always think to myself ... despite all that had happened that night... the last word would be just...


"Bye."


It's such a slap in the face.


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Today's quote : "A tiny mirror, when you see into it, you'll see yourself as an old lady."
Today's one-line-bit : "I'm happy to encounter a girl that is different from the usual Indonesian girls. And she turns out to be my dear old friend. Ah, what life."