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Wednesday, December 30, 2009


When what your head tells you to do and what your heart wants you to do doesn't match, well... you're fucking screwed!

Dear World,

If I tell you that I've been better in the past two weeks, then I would have lied to you completely. The aftermath of a broken heart could not vanish this easily, especially when the feeling I felt for her isn't a usual puppy love anybody would expect. I loved her thoroughly and completely. I was in love. And now I was broken up.

In my last entry, I have told you the whole story of our tragic relationship, how we came to exist and how we broke up. How she left me. But the acceptance was too damn hard to come by. Honestly speaking, I couldn't accept it, and I can not. Perhaps I will never will, and I just have to live with it.

But so much has been going on since the day I found out about the other guy. She didn't and she never admitted him to me. She kept shoving me with lies, that the guy did not exist, when I clearly know that he did. Perhaps she was embarrassed, and perhaps she didn't want to hurt me even more (which actually happened, she hurt me even more by NOT telling me the truth about him). I had to find out from somebody else. From her bestfriend.

But then, when I thought things couldn't get any harder, one morning I woke up to find her text message saying that she wanted me to forget about her, to erase her from my life, and to never look for her again in anyway possible.
The shocked me didn't get the whole meaning of that message, because it was still early in the morning and I just woke up. So I opened my facebook, and I opened her profile page. But then I found something that freaked me out the most, she removed me from friend.

I was blindly and utterly angry, and scared, and confused, but most of all, really really upset. The only possible explanation was that she had had problems with that guy, and that guy was somehow jealous with me, and asked her to remove me from her life.

I tried to call her several times but she didn't pick up my call, not even once. Haunted by the desire of explanation, desperately, I texted her several messages I knew she couldn't ignore. Slowly, in the end, she told me via sms that someone was jealous about me and her, thus confirming that she'd been lying to me, that there was in fact another guy.

But she wouldn't tell me any further than that. She cut me off completely. She evaded my call, she inactivated her cells, and she didn't opened facebook. All I can do, the then-angry me, I just sent her many many texts to say how I was feeling, that I was hurt beyond her imagination, that I was seriously offended, and angry. And that she should have never removed me from friends. I sent her too much too long messages, hoping that she would return them. I thought, at that time, if she didn't make it okay this time, then I could never forgive her anymore, despite how hurt I was.

Then, a few long hours later, when I had given up hope, and still upset, she texted me to ask me what she should do. I told her she should re-add me as her friend, because that guy's jealousy was his own problem.
She asked me to be the one who re-added her, but I denied. I told her, because of this, she was the one who removed me, so she was the one who ought to add me. I was extremely angry, but this, I was determined.

Later I told my friends everything about her, and that was the stupidest thing I had ever done. I thought my friends could help me to get closer with her, but as it turned out, I was betrayed once again, not by her, but by my fellow guy friends. They began to choose sides, and eventhough they knew me longer than they knew her, they all choose her, listening to her side of the story, and therefore inferred that I was the bad guy. They began to spend time with her more frequently than with me. They talked about me in secrets, and I noticed. They set up a yahoo conference but didn't invite me, usually they always invited me. But now that they knew about us, I was suddenly a total stranger. An outsider in my own home.

She re-added my facebook and I approved, but our relationship has been marred too badly. We couldn't talk anymore. We couldn't chat without being awkward anymore. And then it happened.

Because all my close friends were now her close friends, she began to spend time more often with them, and I, lesser.

Our group had been planning for an Old and New trip to Berastagi, starting 30th Desember 2009 until 2 January 2010. I had signed in, and I had promised them I would come, but then she did too, she, forsaking the fact that I would be on that trip as well, she joined in. And then things began to start really awkward.

My friends were planning to gather one day, to plan about the trip. They were discussing about meeting at Cambridge the next day, via Yahoo Conference late at night. I wasn't online at that time usually, because I didn't own an internet connection of my own. But as I was bored, I opened my Yahoo via my cellphone. I found all of them were online, so I thought there must be a conference going on. I asked my friend about it. I told him to invite me in, and so he did.

Inside the conference, I learned about the gathering plan the next day, but if I didn't open my YM that night, I would have been left behind.

The next day, we all met at Cambridge. Previously, I offered to pick her up from her home, like I usually did. But she said no, she would go there by herself.

The next day, she came with my friend, who had already had a girlfriend, but whose girlfriend was at Jakarta at the moment so that he was free. The both of them, my friend and she, they claimed that they had a family connection, she told me that he was somehow her long long long cousin. I chose to believe her.

But when I saw her coming with him together, riding a bike. I was jealous beyond limit. I was furious, not only because of the fact that they excluded me out of this, but also because of her "new" relationship with my friend, whom I hated to admit as a friend. My friends knew about my condition with her, but instead of helping me, why did they do this to me?

This is so fucking annoying and I hate everything about it. I wish to disjoin the trip but it was already too late.

So while at Cambridge, I confronted her. We had a big fight, and she accused me of being childish, selfish, a push over, and she hated me even more. How the hell should I feel?

I offered to ride her back to her house, but again, she insisted that she wanted to leave home alone, which in fact, she went home with him. Again, I was torn by sadness and fury. I went home immediately. Leaving us broken and scarred. Leaving me dead.

The next day, I convinced myself to be happy and enjoy all the good things in life and never to think about her again. So I went to my usual hang out place Comic Garden and I met two of my friends there. But all was going well until she showed up with my friend again. Everything was awkward once more.

I could only watch the two of them getting closer, while knowing exactly that he has already had a girlfriend. Everyone in the room don't seem to mind about her and him. Probably because they thought the both of them are cousins and they were close. I don't know if my jealousy is unreasonable. Perhaps it is, but still, I wish that the two of us can make it as friends, not as two people who doesn't talk but still see each other every day.

So I tried to fix things up with her, I told her that we should be civilized, we should be able to talk to each other again, and I have tried to do that. I have started conversations with her, only to hear her answering me in a short, cold reply or shrug.

She says she doesn't want to try to fix things up with me. She doesn't want to try. She has hated me. She keeps saying that I am childish and a push over. I hate that. It makes me hate her even more.

And now the day is up. We are still not talking and we are about to spend four days together in a villa in Berastagi. FUCK! What should I do?

Right now, I am typing these words in the villa's living room, while she and my "friend" are sitting on the couch watching movies. I am facing straight towards them. I know she is going to sleep beside him. She has already put her head on his shoulder and slept.

It's like she's trying to make me jealous and hurt even more. There are rooms upstairs for she to sleep in with other girls. But she chose to sleep on the couch with him accompanying... her "cousin".

And why am I sitting and facing towards them? Because I need to see everything. I need to make sure nothing happens between them. I am watching them, while typing this. You can imagine how awkward this is. And you can imagine how I must feel.

Am I hurt? Yes.
Am I jealous? Yes.
Am I wishing that he dies now? Yes.
Do I know that watching them sleep is the most stupid idea ever? Yes. But I have to. I can't sleep anyway. It's already 5.36 in the morning now.
Do I know that there is no chance whatsoever that she will return to me? Sadly, yes.
Do I want her to be with me again? I don't know. I think yes. But I have been hurt too far. I can't. I don't want her again, but yet I want her again! ARRGGHHH!!!! When what your head tells you to do and what your heart wants you to do doesn't match, well... you're fucking screwed!

I don't know what will happen to me tomorrow and the next day and the next day. It's already new year, but I just feel that because of her, this is my worst new year's eve ever!

I just want this trip to be over, and then I won't need to meet her again, to see her again, and I will decrease my meetings with my friends whom I know can't be trusted.

I have learned many things. Not to trust people is one of them. You never know who your real friends are until they did something like this to you.
I hate them. I hate her. I hate myself for ever loving her. But still, I still love her.

I feel like I just wanna disappear from this world. But what I want right now is someone else.

I want to meet a new girl, and I want to have a new girlfriend. Perhaps as a rebound, but I don't think so. I am now ready to love another woman, and this time, I will choose carefully.

Please, end this misery. I'm begging you.

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