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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Acceptance

One of the hardest things in life is watching the person you love, love someone else.
Do you know the hardest thing in life is not "living the worst moments"? No. The hardest thing is "accepting it".

Just like this. I don't know how to begin. In this entry, I will tell you the whole thing. Because I have been going on and on about this in the past thirty days and it's been eating me from the inside out. Now it's time for me to let go. Now it's time for me to accept.

This is a story of my love life, a pathetic love searching ended in a most tragic way.

It all began when I met a girl who I thought to be different from all the girls I know. She's cute, she's stubborn, and she's caring. She's one of the kind, and she had feelings for me. I grew to like her as well. I shared the connection between the two of us. Slowly, but surely, I began to fall into her. I thought about her all the time, because that's what I do when I'm in love.

It's too soon to tell, but I was quite sure that this was it! How often was your first love your real love? I couldn't believe it, but I have found the answer to my loneliness. I have found love. Or so I thought.

The days we had were amazing at the very least. It's hard to describe how great it was, the times we spent together... the closeness and the passion. It's all new to me. I was scared. Little did I know..

She always said that she wanted me forever, that she loved me completely and she hoped that I would be the last one for her. It was the perfect dream. My life couldn't be better.

But as the days went by, she changed.

It hadn't been three weeks when she started to show signs of unhappiness. She was quieter than usual. She was starting to pull away from me. She didn't want me to call her, to see her, to meet her, and to spend time with her anymore. She picked fights with me. I couldn't be more patient in dealing her.

I told her if time was what she needed, I would give her that. But she wouldn't say what was bothering her.

Her stubbornness started to annoy me. But I didn't want to mess up this relationship.. because at those times, I have known that I loved her. Real bad that I couldn't live without her.

On the twenty sixth day we were together, she told me she wanted to break up with me. That's when things span out of control. Her only reason was that she "couldn't do it anymore".

It was the vaguest and the most ridiculous way of breaking up I've ever heard. Two days earlier, she just called me babe, texted me to ask me to ever not leave her. But now...

So that was it. She just left me. Hanging without a clear explanation of why. I was having the worst time of my life. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't breathe and eat. I couldn't focus on work. I was a damn mess when she first left me.

And Yet I searched for explanation. I asked her over and over again. She told me that I had become so annoying, a push over, and she said that if I kept doing this, she would hate me. But I couldn't let her go that easily. She was already letting me go. I was getting sadder. I couldn't believe everything that had happened. WHY?


What happened to her promises and her love before? Was it all a mere illusion? Was I just a doll she played with?

A month later, that was yesterday, I finally found out the real answer as to why she left me. It's very simple.

She dumped me for another guy.

Her feelings for me changed, or died away when we're still together. She was like a bitch whom I hated very much. I wanted to make her pay. I was so angry.

But then I remembered... I still loved her. I still care for her. I couldn't hate her, ever. How could I hate the person I love? But I have finally found a closer. I hoped I would be able to move on.

Now, she and I are still friends. I still love her, and despite what she did to me, in the bottom of my heart, I still hope for us to be together again, because she was my first true love, no matter how bad and cruel she is. But I know that we won't be a couple again. She has made the decision to leave me, and knowing her stubbornness, I know that she won't be with me anymore.

So now, all I can do is to accept everything, and try to move on. I have to grow and be more mature. This is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.

And the truth is, I don't know if I can.

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