The Honest One

This was something I came across while I was spending my night reading a piece of abandoned page from my blog.

“…There is no place for only two of us because we never exist. We never exist because you don’t want it to. You don’t want it to because I am not good enough for you to. I am not good enough for you because you never make me to…”

“…If there is one thing I am sure will happen once you believe me and once you have faith in me… it would be that you’ll never regret it…”

“…And my feelings to you are incomparably genuine. I just can’t believe you didn’t see that, after all we’ve been through…”

And it’s almost funny that the whole thing has been put away for sometime as many things had happened since then. Now, the girl is gone. The love is buried. But the pain still lingers.

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There’s once a saying : “Today is special only if you make it special, otherwise it’s just a day.”

Should we always celebrate New Years? Should we always plan to do things, go to some places, wearing some new clothes, sending greeting text-messages to the friends who have been very far away, acting like it’s a big deal when it’s not, not anymore…, should we pretend that on this day, the day when every Chinese people on earth is celebrating New Year, we ‘must’ make it special?

What for? So people can see that you’re socially bound and not blind?
What for? So people can judge that you’re socially acceptable and traditional?
What should we pretend for? So that we feel happy and lied to?

What if you are dwelling in a life where nothing like that can really happen? What if you want to be happy on this day but there’s nothing out there for you to do? What if there’s no place out there for you to go? What if there’s no one there reaching out for you? Despite all of your friends and their text-messages-greetings?

Then you can really understand what I’m through.

Here I am, all day. Sitting and lying in my room inside my house. Here I am, alone, when there’s a million other things to do and I didn’t know how to choose which one to take.

Instead I was just watching more and more DVDs, The Lord of the Rings trilogy was done, The Matrix Trilogy was finished, it’s time for Ghost Whisperers’ season three and Grey’s Anatomy’s season four.

“ There are always days when we are unsure what happiness is. Today is not that day. Happy Chinese New Year 2008! May the loneliness be gone this year.
-Bam ”


Here I am, writing down the very message I sent to few of my friends which was a big irony upon myself since the loneliness was as “gone” as it was yesterday. And yesterday I was still the loneliest guy on earth.

This post may be the most honest one I’ve ever written, when I can’t be more pathetic and desperate than I already am. But it’s that kind of feeling you get around the holidays, especially when you got no one beside you and you’re listening to Everybody Hurts by The Corrs.

If you’re on your own in this life
and the days and nights are long.

Everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody cries sometimes

I’ve heard a lot of people said and implied to me that I should have a girlfriend, soon, if I was to survive in this life.

But today, when I was doing nothing, my younger sister’s soon-to-be boyfriend visited our home out of the New Years desperation and a great amount of bravery. It’s a funny yet scary thing to see him interrogated by my mother. And it made me thinking as to why a person wants to put himself in to this awkward position…? Is it worth it? The love and companionship and all…? It’s a sickened tradition here in Indonesia, my hell… in all the places around the world… Everywhere… this is how they do it. People fall in love. A boy loves a girl. A girl likes the boy. They meet and date. They keep it secret. And then the social challenges begin. The girl asks the boy for meeting her family, the boy should do the same. The boy must have a real steady job. Where does he live? What does he see in his future? There are a lot of unasked questions like “what car does he drive?”, “Does he even have a car?”, “Does he have a house to live in or does he still live with his parents?”, “What does he look like?”, “Does he have a good face? Good prospect of life? Good money? Good manners? Good laughs and good jokes? Good man? Good FREAKIN’ MAN?”

But when does it all come to an end? When you’re married? When you’re having your own family? When you’re old and retired? When you’re dead?”

What do I do? What should I do? Should I follow those? Why does it have to be this way? How am I supposed to be ready when everybody knows I’m not?

Why can’t it be a boy falls in love with a girl. A girl loves him back. And they live happily ever after. No parents. No money. No politics.

What do those things have anything to do with this New Year? They are related because I felt them today, because it’s what’s on my mind. After all, this blog is about my soliloquies. Look at the far upper right corner of this screen. It is after all, Inside the mind of a soliloquist. And I hope you still wish to continue to read the end of this post despite boredom might have slightly overwhelmed you by now. Because only then you may understand how I feel… the one thing I’m honestly trying to tell you in this long entry.

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At some point today, I think I may be upset because I was worrying about my little sister and her soon-to-be boyfriend, and probably torn between that and jealousy of why I can’t have that kind of company of my own. But when I found out later today that her “friend” was kinda funny, and how she might actually be happy about something, I felt better. After all, my family has been so lack of happiness over the past few years. She deserves this. And I just wonder… about things.

I didn’t wear any new clothes today, not really celebrating the day. I was not traveling here and there searching for red pockets, I was not visiting my friends and relatives. I didn’t even care to look who’s out there speaking with the rest of my family. I didn’t even go outside of my house. I wore a short. The day was hot. It didn’t rain at all.

Actually, I wish today was different. To be honest, I wish myself to be on Mikie Holiday Berastagi. I haven’t been visiting this place since a long time ago. Five years it may be. I don’t know. I just imagined myself on top of hill gazebo. Wind caressed my face. I might lay down there for a while. I might take a picture of everything I see and touch. I might walk far and play games. I might go there with either my families or my old friends whom I missed as much as this old place of my memories.

You might think that I’m a loser but I don’t really care. Who can blame a guy for dreaming? It’s all I’ve got left.

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[Listening to Robbie Williams’ Strong… I don’t think I’m strong…. but my breath smells of a thousand fags…]

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Sometimes I hate Chinese New Year very much.

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I don't know why exactly I didn't have the urge to update this blog. It's only after three weeks later since my last post : the five TV Series entry. I guess I was tired. I meant to post a lot of stuffs. In fact, my mind had never been this full of thoughts and inspirations before. But I still didn't have the courage to post. Courage... Was it courage, that I lost?

Everyday, I seem to realize more and more that I am a total coward. I don't have what it takes to be in a social environment. I am so afraid of communicating with people. Maybe it's a part of why I am so lonely and friendless.

I always think it's because of my job. But I think it's more than just that. Don't get me wrong, I still think that a better, a different job would give me a better life. I know it. After all, I used to have a lot of friends back when I was active in organizations. Like when I was still in Stamanara, I had Lomar, Vanny, Ivanna, Cherie, Alex, and so many others. The same thing went with KMBD, PVT, and so on. It's a sole fact that when you're in some clubs, you are "with friends". Take my sister for an example.

I really wish I have a job which doesn't consume much of my time but yet still pays a lot. Because I can't quit when I know I can't have another job that pays as good as mine does now, how excruciating it may cause my life.

See, that's the dillema of a private teacher someone like me.

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I don't know if anybody would be reading this post thoroughly from the beginning til the end. That someone, if they exist, must be either really bored or really curious of my life. I know this post must be very dull, boring boring boring. But Hey, I can't care less...

So now, imitating Grey's Anatomy's closure for each episode :

At the end of the day, whether it's a special day as your world told you, a Mighty Chinese New Year, or it's just a random usual normal day you live out of the other 364 this year, at the end of this day, I can only complain and complain about all the stupid things I feel, I can only bitch and bitch around about all the stupid thoughts in my head, when we all can agree, that there are so much... SO FREAKIN MUCH other things to do, better things to do, goals to accomplish, and beautiful girls to impress and love... and yeah.... all I can do is complaining. Seriously?

Happy Chinese New Year, Bambang.

You Idiot.

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