Winter

Good Evening.

Today is Saturday, the twenty fourth of March, and the year is 2007. I have come back from my hibernation, break, or what it was I wanted it to be. I couldn’t keep my promise—to disappear for one whole month. It’s only 24 and I’ve been dying to make a comeback. Why? I guess… there were so many reasons. I don’t even know where to start. Maybe I should start with the small why, question of how come I’ve been away.

It’s simple, really. My computer broke down and I couldn’t finish it right away. I tried to, a couple of times, but—apparently—I only made it worse. So, I couldn’t write or post anything I like on my usual schedule. I have to wait, for the spare time I had in my delusional world, the NV, where all my earthy thoughts have been drawn away from me, I couldn’t even find a will to login to blogger.com

And then the complications arrived. The boredom attacked me viciously, as it never had before. I was lost. Then my real world started to fall apart. I began to think that I loathed my job. That wasn’t my dream job. Teaching wasn’t my thing. But the worst part was, I didn’t know what my dream job was. And that terrified me the most. I read in Jacq’s post about JOB and all, about the future and the preparations. I… I didn’t know what to do. I was panicked. I didn’t even have the courtesy to comment her blog like I used to do.

I was having a lot of thinking of my own—there was nobody there to help me. And then I realized that I couldn’t give up this job. It’s what the best I should do, but it wasn’t the best I could do. Do you understand that? No? Maybe I’d lighten you up. Being a teacher was a good thing, not great, but good enough to provide me with this life I was living. It’s paid well. But—as everyone was so ‘keen’ to tell me— it had no future in it. It’s a stuck deal. It was a trap-job. I could teach forever and it wouldn’t get me anywhere. And this scared me the most. I had known this fact for a long time then, but I kept telling myself to not think about it. But why didn’t I just give up this job then? Why did I stick to it? Until now…

I had to. And I have to. That’s the best I should do, for my family. Although it’s no good at all for me, I couldn’t support my family’s financial problems by working someplace else. It’s all about the money! Arrgh! If I were to start somewhere else, then I should wait for a long time—a year or two, or five—before I could get on my own feet. But during that time, I wouldn’t be able to help my family. It’s a freaking dilemma. But if I didn’t stop, then I would be teaching for the rest of my lives, which I’ve been quite sick of it these days. It gets worse each day.

The only thought that could keep me sane was that at least, this job could give me some money to save. For my so-called future. But could I just hang in there forever? Ah, maybe I’d start something new then, build a company of my own, run my own business. But when is when? Life is hard enough for a guy like me. I’m not even college-approved. Fuck life! I don’t wanna do this anymore.

Well, do you think you’ve drowned into this soliloquist’s darkest life? You haven’t even dived yet. The other reason was my love life, of which I’ve—sort of—abandoned.

Have you ever felt like ‘Oh yeah this is it!” and a few days later… ‘This is SO NOT it.’? Huh? What? Ah… I’m getting difficult at this. The simplest way is that I was disappointed in her, and then I did something stupid, and then I regretted it, but then I found it very awkward just to be alive.

You started to blame yourself. You loathed yourself. And now everything was blurred. You don’t know where to continue—or to restart, if it’s possible. But what? What should I do?

My love life had always been a mess. I kinda mastered it—messing it I mean. Since my first time I loved someone, I’d messed it badly. And then I had not courage to talk to her, to say sorry of else. Then I drew the distance… yeah.. the distance.. I hated that one. That one kept coming back. And then our relationship would be an endless cliffhanger filled with awkwardness and guilt. And I sure had no way to fix it.

When I was in high school, I thought that I’d loved someone—I was even certain of it back then, Susan. That’s her name, I suppose. I didn’t know how I turned out to be ‘in love with her’, maybe it’s just a puppy love, but it hurt me much. Yeah.. maybe it’s a precipitate infatuation. The point is, I was so madly thinking of her day by day and failed to keep up with the real world. I was so caught up in obsessing and ultimately ended up hurting myself even more.

Then I told her about my feeling and it tore our tiny friendship away. I remembered—I was walking alone in a heavy rain for about three days, I guess I loved the pain. After done torturing myself, I then realized—or accidentally initiated the fog between out friendship. It was hell. I somehow created a distance to maim me and her. It was the stupidest thing I’d done and I regretted it right away. It was a poor metaphor for my current state of affairs. I felt like I was having a de ja vu, or just forming one.

Later, I was condemning myself and was trying to make a difference. That’s when I started the hibernation. Except, I couldn’t really get away with my real life, my love life, and my own body. I entered into a forum of Harry Potter and began to distract myself by being extremely active on that site. I thought that if I kept myself busy, then I wouldn’t have to think about everything, the boredom, the pain, the worries, the mistakes, the future, and life.

Well.. now it’s been … what? Three weeks? Has it been better? Did it work?

No.

From what I could tell, it’s getting worse. I was frantically lonely. Even more. And then I tried to compose several short stories around Harry Potter. Usually, that kept me entertained and busy. I was playing games here and there, trying to get my mind off things. And still I couldn’t get the troubles behind me. I had bad mood for the whole week. I made mistakes here and there. I snapped at people brusquely for tickling with my emotions. I was starting to become sentimental. In the end of the road, I was just sad.

I was half-determined to get back to my usual life, the boring one (as if the hibernation was a difference), but after something rough happened to me on the Forum, I was starting to become angry again. I concluded that the break wasn’t working. That night, I decided to go back.

This month had been turning to be the worst for my psychological me. It effected all of my actions. It infected my behaviors.

Still I was craving to be back to my original life, not knowing that it would do me any good or worse. I don’t know, even now. It can simply turn worse than the worst. I have no hope in near future. Truthfully, I have nothing to hold on to. I am so weak now.

I wake up today to face the exact same day as before. The same old routine. And I’m getting older and older each minute. It’s only good that it’s a Saturday. But thinking about weekend with no plan was unbearable.

I should know

Who I am by now

I walk

The record stands somehow

Thinking of winter

.

Your name is the splinter inside me

While I wait

About my computer, it was being repaired several times. I tried—unsuccessfully—to fix it and to use it for days. And then my ‘lovely’ brother who seemed to pay the slightest concern about it, tried too. He grabbed the hard disk, and took it to someplace I didn’t know (for I was NOT care anymore about that stupid computer, as my life had breaking in front of my nose) and then tried to repair it. I didn’t know how or could even care less, because the hard disk wasn’t the only broken part. What about the motherboard? The Monitor? And most of all, the damn power supply?!

Later, he said about having the compie ready for the day. I refuse to believe him and I put a very little amount of hope on it. Then later he said that the compie had been completely mended. The next day, I tried to open the computer. Neither worked. I confronted it against him (see? I was extremely harsh that time… he was trying to repair it and instead of caring and thanking a bit, I was complaining and yelling). He said that the thing—referred to the computer— had been repaired.

The next day, my mum said that he (my brother) had been able to access the thing. It was night time. I tried, and I failed to open it again. The monitor just wouldn’t on. I was furious. I blamed everyone but me. And I specifically blamed him.

The next day, my brother came to me and said that the thing wouldn’t be able to open at night (with reasons I didn’t know nor cared), and that’s why I couldn’t open the damn monitor. Then the next day, I tried to open it again. And yet I still failed. I was hopeless and letting myself to believe that that thing wouldn’t be opened for me anymore, for my brother could use it everytime (at noon, of course).

Today, I really wanted to open the god-damn thing and listen to some favourite old music and transfer some pictures I’ve been dying to. I could, finally, reenter the windows. Everything had been altered. The windows, the whole desktop. My data hadn’t been deleted but all the programs had. I didn’t care. I didn’t have the slightest desire to reinstall the softwares. I wanted to transfer the files from my CD, but I found out that my DVD-ROM had been ripped off. It was because the thing (the power supply couldn’t supply enough power for the drive). I was vexed.

But at least, I was able to listen to this song.

Thinking of winter

Your name is the splinter inside me

While I wait

.

And I remember the sound

Of your November downtown

And I remember the truth

A warm December with you

But I don't have to make this mistake

And I don't have to stay this way

If only I would wake

.

The walk has all been cleared by now

Your voice is all I hear somehow

Calling out Winter

Your voice is the splinter inside me

While I wait

.

I remember the sound

Of your November downtown

And I remember the truth

A warm December with you

But I don't have to make this mistake

And I don't have to stay this way

If only I would wake

.

I could have lost myself

In rough blue waters in your eyes

And I miss you still

.

I remember the sound

Of your November downtown

And I remember the truth

A warm December with you

But I don't have to make this mistake

And I don't have to stay this way

If only I would wake

This song had an uncanny connection to my broken self. I was feeling sad yet relieved. It felt like it was the only friend I had who understood what I was going through. And sadly, I was fully aware of it, that this friend wasn’t even a real one.