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Sunday, March 04, 2007

A Back Turn

Hey, I'm back.

With my computer broken, tons of piles of works, new sets of DVDs of new episodes from my most favourite TV Series, my new and more and more uprising obsession upon Harry Potter, and the continuing boringness that still is striking me despite all of that, I have failed to log in to my abandoned blog and drop this single post I'd been dying to write. I miss writing about my feeling. Long and unmeaningful.

So what's up with me? My life has seemed like a long session of waiting, waiting for a silly thing to unfold. As usual, I would blame myself and soliloquize about how far I stand from the happiness. I didn't care enough to pursue it, or did I? I was so lazy lately. Nothing has seemed to be better. Nothing has turned to be more promising than the last time I claimed I was happy. And maybe it's been getting worse.

My love life doesn't improve as well as I hoped. I feel kind of ... ignorant lately. I care less about her and everyone else. I didn't do and think what i usually does. I didn't try as much as I did before. I don't know if I still love her, or not.

Well, she's been busy as well. I didn't go up her nose and intrude her busy world where she still has a life to run. But it seemed that she didn't do such things either. I was always happy to hear from her, but in last few days, we disconnected.

I had wished for several times now, for I could just tell her how I feel about her. It's all come down to one thing. Chickened out. Yeah, I'm not a very brave man in dealing with girls and women. But yet I could feel that the time is getting closer and closer. Even two days ago, I fell asleep with one convinced mind on telling her the next day. And so yesterday came, but with a little unpredictable and sadly unfortunate turn. I was able to meet her, but I couldn't have the right time, the right place, and the right way to tell her. I was forced (by my loathed self) to back off. I somehow failed again. One thing I appear to be good at.

One of the reason of me backing off, is that she showed me a lot of .. what should I call it? Life... one that I don't have. I was suddenly out of her league. I was like nobody. And in a bad way. It's like a giant pessimistic slap had covered my mouth with force. I was simply shut. And then she went away. My plan broke. My day ruined. My will failed.

Nothing much have happened in the last week I was silenced, not great enough to be written on this page anyway. Except a few things. One, there's a cute strange cat earlier when I was working and all. I played with it (her) and took her pictures and video of her kungfu-fighting with me. Yep, literally. I really wanted to post it here, but I haven't had my computer ready yet. Actually, I have, but I was too lazy to transfer the files. Like I said, I was dead lazy.

And oh yeah, I found out about my scramble friend from Minnesota a few days earlier. We have been lost in touch for several months. Lirahs, if you are reading this, know that I was really glad to hear from you again. Hehehe.

I have been in a deep waiting and anticipating of how book seven and last of Harry Potter will go. Terrorizing myself with complicated theories and drown myself in a fan-made forum seemed to have eased the pain. But they have made me more obsessed. I am not complaining. In fact, I am rather enjoying it, because I know, this feeling would be the last. Book 7 is the last installment from JK Rowling. I hate goodbyes.

It's March all of sudden. I have been always afraid of what the future might bring. I never would have thought that I'd be even more scared of it. To tell you the truth, I am terrified in thinking about several months from now. I know for sure that then will be a big change again. I don't want anymore complicated changes. I don't want another reason to make myself miserable, or more miserable than I already am. I hate that feeling. I sincerely hate myself, and am too afraid to admit it in this real life I claim to live!

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