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Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Chapter Four - Inside the mind of a lonely man

There’s something bickering inside his head nowadays. It happens to him every time, while he’s doing everything with his mind. If there comes a time for him to think about what is going to happen to him, what he will buy for himself, what he must do to make himself happy, what he should or shouldn’t have, Will Cleafant always has this indecisive dilemma. He can’t make his mind up.

Will Cleafant has led as some would say, a very unpleasant life. He doesn’t have any friends anymore. He doesn’t join in any social lives. His social lives are so over.

“Everyday” has a new meaning to Will Cleafant for he used to believe a new day to be challenging. But right now, he is living in a repetition of his world. His own job is taunting him, and then locking him in a circle of loneliness he can’t and doesn’t know how to get out of.

He has grown fat, so fat that it scares him so damn much. His love life has dried out, leaving his heart with nothing but an empty broken glass. His perspective has changed, his dreams have crashed and burnt. He is doing many wrong things. So wrong and immoral it makes him despising himself. He is capitulated by his own demon, because he has been so alone for so long. His life is ruined and empty, helpless and desperate, he doesn’t know what to do. And this, this entry, this time, is what’s inside the mind of a lonely man.

He woke up lamenting the vague chorus of Good Charlotte’s I don’t wanna be in love, which was so ironic since all he wanted was to be in love—something he knew would flee him out of his misery—and be different for once. He thought that Good Charlotte wasn’t that good anyway for one Charlotte if he didn’t feel this way about falling in love. He didn’t deserve it, thought Will relentlessly.

Someone deserves to be happy, he continued rambling in his mind as he walked out of his bedroom, doing his routines by mere reflexes, some people should be getting what they want. If this were a perfect world, I would have been living in a place where sick people didn’t die, rich people weren’t this ungrateful, I wouldn’t be lonely like this, I would have found someone, and that someone would be happy since the mutualism benefited everybody. See, it benefited everybody.

He recalled of one story, which was written as a song for Billy Gilman to sing, and funnily enough, it had been on his mind too for quite some time. “Oklahoma” told about a boy who found his dad. It’s a very moving story, told—or sung—in a very clever way. He really thought it was great.

Suitcase packed with all his things
Car pulls up, the doorbell rings
He don't want to go, he thought he'd found his home
But with circumstances he can't change
Waves goodbye as they pull away
From the life he's known
For the last seven months or so

She said “we found the man who looks like you
Who cried and said he never knew
About the boy in pictures that we showed him
A rambler in his younger days
He knew he made a few mistakes
But he swore he would have been there
Had he known it
Son we think we found your dad in Oklahoma”

A million thoughts raced through his mind
What's his name, what's he like and will he be
Anything like the man in his dreams
She could see the questions in his eyes
Whispered "don't be scared my child”
“I'll let you know, what we know”

“About the man we found, he looks like you
And cried and said he never knew
About the boy in pictures that we showed him
A rambler in his younger days he knew he'd made a few mistakes
But he swore he would've been there had he known it
You always said that this was something that you wanted
Son it's time to meet your Dad in Oklahoma”

One last turn he held his breath
'Till they reached the fifth house on the left
And all at once the tears came rolling in
And as they pulled into the drive
A man was waiting there outside
Who wiped the worry from his eyes Smiled and took his hand

And he said “I'm the man who looks like you
Who cried because I never knew
About that boy in pictures that they showed me
A rambler in my younger days I knew I made a few mistakes
But I swear I would have been there had I known it
Never again will you ever be alone
Son welcome to your home in Oklahoma.”

See? Everybody deserves the things they want.

But like fairy tales, things like that could only happen in songs and movies. Sometimes he was blinded by what’s on TV, when he saw a couple holding hands, clearly in love. He wondered, could things like that really happen in real world? Damn, forget the real world, could they happen in his world? Because he really wanted some, the taste of the sweet divine, so bad.

But as we’re talking about fairy tales, he remembered the night when he watched Enchanted by himself. He was not a really great fan of a Disney’s Fairy Tales, but that one came with a twist. Wasn’t reality like this too? He meant, one minute you’re Giselle who was deeply sure that you’re in love with Prince Edward. Your love was unbreakable, since the rule of “Happily Ever After” worked for you two, but it was until you’re dumped in a reality so different from your current home, you’d feel twisted, changed, and intimidated.

Was it Giselle fault if he fell for Robert instead? Or would destiny be the one who held that fate? And what about Prince Edward’s true commitment when he jumped down the well and bravely and unyieldingly searched for Giselle only to find her falling in love with another man? If you saw it carefully, the “true-love” was kind of unfair.

How can you be her true love when you forgot Giselle so quickly and went for Nancy, Robert’s previous bride-to-be instead? How can love be so fair when Pip and Giselle ended up in a different world having never seeing each other again without even saying goodbye?

Was that beautiful, after all? Was that what you call “enchanted” love?

But then again, what does he know about anything he never experienced? He was just a lonely man watching a make-believe fairy tale with an empty hole in his heart. All he knew was how great Will and Grace really was.

Speaking of the TV Series, Will Cleafant might have been lucky after some serious long search of Will and Grace DVDs. He finally found them all, the entire eight seasons, one night when he was traveling with his old friends. Though he made some tough efforts for attaining the DVDs, he would say it’s pretty much worth it.

To complete his collection of Will and Grace was probably the one that’s keeping him sane from his life. Will and Grace and Karen and Jack’s sophisticated humor might have acted as a silk thread which was strong enough to keep him on the tracks.

But now, as he’s recalling those moments, he had already finished watching them all. Will and Grace was finished. The finale episode was marvelously brilliant, touching and perfect. It was as good as Friends’ finale closure. He was really happy with the way Will and Grace ended up, about how their children Lila and Ben met and got married, about how moving it was to see Jack and Karen singing Natalie Cole’s “Unforgettable”, about the way they’re closing the series, the same way they’re closing the Pilot years and years ago. Will and Grace was really a great show to have in life. He has been so lucky to have ever known a show like this.

Perhaps the big thanks should go to Lirahs, since her comments about how great a show it was, first drove the curiosity in his mind, of which later he decided to buy and watched, season per season. Thank you for sharing, Lirahs, and he thought he wanted to tell you that you need not send him the discs anymore.







But as he was moving away from Will and Grace’s phenomenon, he found himself strangled by the greatness of one “Gossip Girl”.

Yet another new adventure for this lonely heart, Gossip Girl is a new show he found, created by The OC’s Josh Schwartz, telling a great story pretty much similar to The OC itself. He saw that that Serena Vanderwoodsen would be the new Marrisa Cooper, while Blair Waldorf was the new Summer, Dan Humphrey as the new Ryan Atwood, and maybe Jenny Humphrey would be the new Seth Cohen. As for Chuck Bass, he was more like Rosenbaum’s Lex Luthor in Smallville. But let’s get back to the whole The OC thing.


Just look at the story first, a not so rich boy in a very rich society, falling in love with their prettiest girl in school, whose best friend’s also one of the most popular student. It’s so Ryan Atwood-ish. Still interesting, sure, but Schwartz could be more creative than that. The difference in this show is that our “Seth Cohen” doesn’t dig Blair, which would be a regret for many men…

But why love this Series, besides taking it in as something to keep the loneliness away?

Well, they have the same great factor with the other great show such as Grey’s Anatomy. Plus this drama is fast-driven and scandalous and sexy and funny at times. It’s the perfect combination of The OC’s glamour teenage lives, the sick ploy of Cruel Intentions, and the great Grey’s Anatomy’s narrating style. Plus they have Kristin Bell as the Gossip Girl’s voice. She just sounds perfect and fabulous (note for “fabulous”: Will Cleafant is not gay).

All of those great TV Shows before him, did they make him less lonely, as he wished? The answer was no. He was still feeling lonely at most times when his eyes weren’t on the TV Screen. He was still lonely more than usual when he saw other people’s lives. He was still lonely when his friends seemed to be a million years from him.

You’re gone and I’ll always wonder why it can’t be any other way?”




It had been a week later. Will's life hadn't changed a bit. He was still as boring as ever. Except probably he had grown fatter a little. And in this dull night when the whole world was having a good day, he was swearing on his own. Pissed off because every little thing he had done screwed up. It's like when he got home after a long exasperating work desperate to find some peace watching Grey's Anatomy, his house blacked out again.

"DAMN IT!!!" He yelled so loud that his mother looked at him wonderingly.

And the other time, everytime when he wanted to post an entry in his almost-abandoned blog, something had to come through his way. Like the fact that Photobucket mysteriously failed to upload two of his pictures, or the "Create Post" page went broken like forever, or like when he had found a HTML Editor somewhere on, it broke the time he wanted to use it. DAMN IT!!!!

Why was his life this unlucky?

There was no day he didn't complain about his life. Some would say he's insanely pathetic, but his life was so unfair to him. His computer was broken completely now, got some trojan and the motherboard failed, the windows and the DVD Drive had gone crazy.

He got no friends in life. He had the most boring an futureless job. He had no purpose in life. He had no knowledge of how to be a good socializer. He had no girlfriend to love and adore. He had NOTHING.

Sometimes he thought that Mr. Bean had significantly more more fun than himself. Both of them were alone. But Bean's life had never been lonely. How could he be that way despite all the aloneness? Perhaps it's just something in TV that was not real. But come to think of it, was there anyone in this world living by himself but really enjoying the solitude?

"Everybody's looking for that something"
"One thing that makes it all complete."
"You find it in the strangest places."
"Some find it in the face of their children."
"Some find it in their lover's eyes."
"Some in their solitary lives."
"And when you know how much that means,"
"You've found that special thing."
"You're flying without wings."

What is it in this world that can make him flying without wings?

He can think of a few things.

First, he needs a good job to settle.
Second, he needs a life and friends,
Therefore he can find love.
Then he needs a good computer with a good internet connection,
For that to happen, he needs money.
He also needs a new house. A better house. A big one.
A car.
And then, free time.

If all those are accomplished, he would live happily ever after...

well, at least until he dies.

Don't judge him!

He entitles to have dreams. It's the only thing he has now!


At the end of the day, he was all alone again. But this time he was sitting in the furthest row inside a very large dark studio... and 10.000 B.C. was about to play.

Something caressed his ears while he's there.

" .... sitting here all alone in the middle of nowhere...."

His glasses had been smashed incidentally in two, the previous days --- remember the unlucky part --- so he borrowed his mother's maroon ones. He put them on to get a better view. Unsmilingly, he caught a vague reflection of his face. Never had he seen a more messed up life of Bambang Superwan before.


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