No Backstreet Boys - I'm Inconsolable

Sometimes, when you watch too much Will and Grace, you start to become so sensitive that anybody can think you're as gay as the day is long. So, pardon me for being a little gay tonight.

I am sad right now.

:(

Tonight, even now, my greatest boy band in the world, the group who has sold over 100 million albums worldwide, the World's biggest money-maker ($533.1 million dated 2005), and the best singing-friend I have in years since I was just a little kid, The Backstreet Boys is in Jakarta right now, performing on real live Concert in the Plenary Hall of Jakarta Convention Center, and I am here on this stupid Medan, teaching some stupid ungrateful lots, doing some stupid useless things, and I CAN'T WATCH THEM!!!!!

FUCK!

What a life I have.

When it's a once in a lifetime moment that Backstreet Boys would come to Indonesia, and all I can do here is sitting and teaching til I smoke my ass off, when somewhere near over there, BACKSTREET BOYS is performing my favourite songs like "Any Other Way", "Siberia", "Incomplete", "Treat Me Right", "Unmistakable", "The Call", "Unsuspecting Sunday Afternoon", "I'll Never Break Your Heart", "I Want It That Way", "Quit Playing Games", "Shape Of My Heart", "Get Down", "Backstreet's Back (Everybody)"....

Arrrghhh!

I think I just really really really hope that they make the DVD so I can watch it later. I'd really like that.

The tickets varies from Rp.600.000,- to Rp.1.500.000,- but Hell, I will pay more just to have one hour of them. I think of people who are enjoying them right now... Lucky Bastard!

Haih.

I think it's only fair that a normal breezy person like me don't get the fun in life. It's like the story of my life. I've got used to it. I hate it. Very damn much.

I'm teaching my students alot these days because they are having examinations again. It's like a never ending misery. I just wish for something great in my life. A new hope.

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I have a lot of things in mind to blog about, but recently, as I sat in front of this computer, I just blanked out. I don't know. I think loneliness has got me again.

I will post my thoughts eventually, just wait. (soliloquizing)

But now, I am just sad.

I wish my life is different.

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You know, I've known Backstreet Boys since I was just an elementary student. I never bummed to never really meet the guys because I knew they wouldn't come. But it hurts so much when they do come, and I can't meet them.











Must have been a great concert...



Thanks Alana for the BSB in Sydney pictures.




Arrrgh...


I'm sad.



It's like Howie said :

"Everything's changed...
.... we never knew."

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Nothing Of The Day

Today is Valentine's day, which is basically the day of nothing. So on this nothing day, I like to post a picture of nothingness.





The picture is not derived from here.





And obviously not from here.






Unfortunately, all you've got for Valentine's Day is this :

Click to enlarge

to remind you that today is indeed "nothing".

Dismal Valents II

Previously on Dismal Valents...

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Do you believe in love?

I know I have been. Always. It’s like a beautiful thing to do, to believe that such a perfect and fragile thing does still exist. That’s beautiful. But love, it’s not so beautiful for me this year. Since my post last year, I haven’t had one big crush that could fall in to the “love” nominee.

But I still believe it. I still hope for it. Looks like not much have changed since the last year, the only things I have in common are my loneliness and my hope of finding a love of my own, real soon.

I know love can be very beautiful. I’ve seen it in movies and real life. How can it be so difficult for me to achieve it? Haven’t I earned it yet? I’m a loveable person, right? I can love. I do love. They should see that. But of course, there have been so many other things to see first. Money, job, appearance, house. It’s like they are toppling the one thing that really matters, my feeling. My love.

can not see my eyes

But it doesn’t hurt for a man like me to try every single day. It’s just, a man can only hold on for so long. He can no more contain everything inside him when desperations come into play, and lust and anger interfere. Sex pops out of his head.

But despite those horrible consequences, I just always hope for the best, believing that it will lead me to a satisfying outcome in which way I can stumble on some pieces of my heart and soul, solving the baffling “happiness” puzzle of my own.

I really hope the sub-conscious act of consoling myself won’t bore me, coz that’s one of the little things left in me I can hang on to, besides few of my close friends who can’t really be there for me at all times, remembering I am unavailable at most times, and at those most times, I feel lonely the most, and that hurts the most.

The battle between me and loneliness is an endless war. A never-ending struggle is what it is. I have a small number of alliances I can use, I often use. They come in the form of love, hope, togetherness, and the most powerful tool of all, is the combination of the three of them.

What do I do for tomorrow? Tomorrow is near. I may see Anni. It’s a minute hope, yet I do not know good or bad. But things have happened. I am changed. I do not love anybody in this moment and somehow this year’s Valentine’s Day seems like nothing to me. I don’t really care what will happen tomorrow. It’s something that I think, I can cherish, if not fear.

Valentine’s Day has come! It’s time for me to “do nothing”.

The Honest One

This was something I came across while I was spending my night reading a piece of abandoned page from my blog.

“…There is no place for only two of us because we never exist. We never exist because you don’t want it to. You don’t want it to because I am not good enough for you to. I am not good enough for you because you never make me to…”

“…If there is one thing I am sure will happen once you believe me and once you have faith in me… it would be that you’ll never regret it…”

“…And my feelings to you are incomparably genuine. I just can’t believe you didn’t see that, after all we’ve been through…”

And it’s almost funny that the whole thing has been put away for sometime as many things had happened since then. Now, the girl is gone. The love is buried. But the pain still lingers.

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There’s once a saying : “Today is special only if you make it special, otherwise it’s just a day.”

Should we always celebrate New Years? Should we always plan to do things, go to some places, wearing some new clothes, sending greeting text-messages to the friends who have been very far away, acting like it’s a big deal when it’s not, not anymore…, should we pretend that on this day, the day when every Chinese people on earth is celebrating New Year, we ‘must’ make it special?

What for? So people can see that you’re socially bound and not blind?
What for? So people can judge that you’re socially acceptable and traditional?
What should we pretend for? So that we feel happy and lied to?

What if you are dwelling in a life where nothing like that can really happen? What if you want to be happy on this day but there’s nothing out there for you to do? What if there’s no place out there for you to go? What if there’s no one there reaching out for you? Despite all of your friends and their text-messages-greetings?

Then you can really understand what I’m through.

Here I am, all day. Sitting and lying in my room inside my house. Here I am, alone, when there’s a million other things to do and I didn’t know how to choose which one to take.

Instead I was just watching more and more DVDs, The Lord of the Rings trilogy was done, The Matrix Trilogy was finished, it’s time for Ghost Whisperers’ season three and Grey’s Anatomy’s season four.

“ There are always days when we are unsure what happiness is. Today is not that day. Happy Chinese New Year 2008! May the loneliness be gone this year.
-Bam ”


Here I am, writing down the very message I sent to few of my friends which was a big irony upon myself since the loneliness was as “gone” as it was yesterday. And yesterday I was still the loneliest guy on earth.

This post may be the most honest one I’ve ever written, when I can’t be more pathetic and desperate than I already am. But it’s that kind of feeling you get around the holidays, especially when you got no one beside you and you’re listening to Everybody Hurts by The Corrs.

If you’re on your own in this life
and the days and nights are long.

Everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody cries sometimes

I’ve heard a lot of people said and implied to me that I should have a girlfriend, soon, if I was to survive in this life.

But today, when I was doing nothing, my younger sister’s soon-to-be boyfriend visited our home out of the New Years desperation and a great amount of bravery. It’s a funny yet scary thing to see him interrogated by my mother. And it made me thinking as to why a person wants to put himself in to this awkward position…? Is it worth it? The love and companionship and all…? It’s a sickened tradition here in Indonesia, my hell… in all the places around the world… Everywhere… this is how they do it. People fall in love. A boy loves a girl. A girl likes the boy. They meet and date. They keep it secret. And then the social challenges begin. The girl asks the boy for meeting her family, the boy should do the same. The boy must have a real steady job. Where does he live? What does he see in his future? There are a lot of unasked questions like “what car does he drive?”, “Does he even have a car?”, “Does he have a house to live in or does he still live with his parents?”, “What does he look like?”, “Does he have a good face? Good prospect of life? Good money? Good manners? Good laughs and good jokes? Good man? Good FREAKIN’ MAN?”

But when does it all come to an end? When you’re married? When you’re having your own family? When you’re old and retired? When you’re dead?”

What do I do? What should I do? Should I follow those? Why does it have to be this way? How am I supposed to be ready when everybody knows I’m not?

Why can’t it be a boy falls in love with a girl. A girl loves him back. And they live happily ever after. No parents. No money. No politics.

What do those things have anything to do with this New Year? They are related because I felt them today, because it’s what’s on my mind. After all, this blog is about my soliloquies. Look at the far upper right corner of this screen. It is after all, Inside the mind of a soliloquist. And I hope you still wish to continue to read the end of this post despite boredom might have slightly overwhelmed you by now. Because only then you may understand how I feel… the one thing I’m honestly trying to tell you in this long entry.

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At some point today, I think I may be upset because I was worrying about my little sister and her soon-to-be boyfriend, and probably torn between that and jealousy of why I can’t have that kind of company of my own. But when I found out later today that her “friend” was kinda funny, and how she might actually be happy about something, I felt better. After all, my family has been so lack of happiness over the past few years. She deserves this. And I just wonder… about things.

I didn’t wear any new clothes today, not really celebrating the day. I was not traveling here and there searching for red pockets, I was not visiting my friends and relatives. I didn’t even care to look who’s out there speaking with the rest of my family. I didn’t even go outside of my house. I wore a short. The day was hot. It didn’t rain at all.

Actually, I wish today was different. To be honest, I wish myself to be on Mikie Holiday Berastagi. I haven’t been visiting this place since a long time ago. Five years it may be. I don’t know. I just imagined myself on top of hill gazebo. Wind caressed my face. I might lay down there for a while. I might take a picture of everything I see and touch. I might walk far and play games. I might go there with either my families or my old friends whom I missed as much as this old place of my memories.

You might think that I’m a loser but I don’t really care. Who can blame a guy for dreaming? It’s all I’ve got left.

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[Listening to Robbie Williams’ Strong… I don’t think I’m strong…. but my breath smells of a thousand fags…]

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Sometimes I hate Chinese New Year very much.

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I don't know why exactly I didn't have the urge to update this blog. It's only after three weeks later since my last post : the five TV Series entry. I guess I was tired. I meant to post a lot of stuffs. In fact, my mind had never been this full of thoughts and inspirations before. But I still didn't have the courage to post. Courage... Was it courage, that I lost?

Everyday, I seem to realize more and more that I am a total coward. I don't have what it takes to be in a social environment. I am so afraid of communicating with people. Maybe it's a part of why I am so lonely and friendless.

I always think it's because of my job. But I think it's more than just that. Don't get me wrong, I still think that a better, a different job would give me a better life. I know it. After all, I used to have a lot of friends back when I was active in organizations. Like when I was still in Stamanara, I had Lomar, Vanny, Ivanna, Cherie, Alex, and so many others. The same thing went with KMBD, PVT, and so on. It's a sole fact that when you're in some clubs, you are "with friends". Take my sister for an example.

I really wish I have a job which doesn't consume much of my time but yet still pays a lot. Because I can't quit when I know I can't have another job that pays as good as mine does now, how excruciating it may cause my life.

See, that's the dillema of a private teacher someone like me.

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I don't know if anybody would be reading this post thoroughly from the beginning til the end. That someone, if they exist, must be either really bored or really curious of my life. I know this post must be very dull, boring boring boring. But Hey, I can't care less...

So now, imitating Grey's Anatomy's closure for each episode :

At the end of the day, whether it's a special day as your world told you, a Mighty Chinese New Year, or it's just a random usual normal day you live out of the other 364 this year, at the end of this day, I can only complain and complain about all the stupid things I feel, I can only bitch and bitch around about all the stupid thoughts in my head, when we all can agree, that there are so much... SO FREAKIN MUCH other things to do, better things to do, goals to accomplish, and beautiful girls to impress and love... and yeah.... all I can do is complaining. Seriously?

Happy Chinese New Year, Bambang.

You Idiot.

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