Best View : FireFox v.3 - 1280 x 800
Soliloquist's Blog : All Conversations are One-Way.

My Favourite Posts, Pick One :

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Sixteen Months Later ...

-- I took some time out of my life. In the same time, I
took some time out for my life.

What would you write on a blog you left sixteen months ago? How would you start? There are so many things I want to tell you and I have no idea how to start. How do I re-blog my life? How do I start?

Perhaps I will start with a simple hello now, shouldn't I?

Hello! Hello world! Hello blogspot! Hello my past! Hello to my old love of writing and blogging. It's been sixteen months and twenty four days since the last time I wrote on this blog.

Do I miss it? Oh boy, hell yeah.

Why did I stop writing? What brings me back now? What have happened all this time?

Time. It changes things, doesn't it? It heals. It forgets. It forgives. So let me start where I left off.

The beginning of 2010 was filled with depression and misery, as I was struggling hard to get over Minnie, well, let's not call her by Minnie anymore. In fact, let's call her by her real name, Juli Cen. I have changed now. I don't need alias
es or nicknames no more. From now on : truth.

Juli was a person I thought who loved me. Clearly, I was wrong. The moment I spent hating her almost equaled to the moment I spent hating myself. I think the latter was the problem. Relationship often fails. Juli was a chapter of my life. She is now, no more.

January 2010 marked the new beginning of my life. I really wanted to start over, new year, new beginning. That's why I left blogger, stop blogging. I
changed myself in may aspects of my life, and blogging was one of them. I did it becaus
e I wanted to get over Juli. I think it worked.

So, continuing with my new life, I met many new people, one of them was a smart and funny girl named Erin Winata, or as I called her R. She's been a bright light of my life. She really helped me in finding my self again. I survived mostly because of her.

We met for the first time on the first week of January. I had just returned from the hell-ish "vacation" in Berastagi with Juli and Erwin cs.
The Villa where the last post of this blog was written sixteen months ago.

Things went terribly wrong, but Erin helped me somehow. I'm so glad to have known her, a new person as a new beginning.

Time went on, and I felt the connection between me and Erin got stronger, but not romantically. I became like a big brother to her. It's like I was having another cool sister of my own. Our relationship grew each day, even until now. Erin went to GuangZhou to study and I couldn't be happier for her. It was her dream as she told me. I was so happy she had found a way to achieve her dream, but at the same time, I was quite sad when she went abroad. We still keep in touch, though, until now. I see her as a very good friend, a sister to me, and a person I look up and admire.

What Erin wanted to see

By March 2010, I had been going out with several girls. The memory of Juli still sketched clearly in me, so I need to keep moving on. It was White Day when I first knew a girl named Nancy. We became friends and chatted for a while. I like her. At first, she resembled Erin in some ways, but later I found out that she's different.

The stories of me and Nancy were quite unique. We share the same birth date, we have a lot of in common. I think we were both lonely. We both had exes that disappointed us. But I think, beyond that, we're just meant to be together.

Both of us went through many adventures, ones that I never thought I'd had. She made me spontaneous. She made me a better man. With her, I feel happy.

So what's going on with me during all these sixteen months?

I have been living.

I have been living, really living my life. This is different than the times I was with Juli. Or before Juli. This is better.

Time looks at us weirdly and says : "Do you think you're always the kid who gets screwed around looking for soulmates and real love? Well, things' got to change to the better. One must grow up. New life, New responsibilities."

It's not all fun and happiness, you know... all these months I'm away.... but it's life.

I think we as a human being always struggle through all the things that life throws in our way. We fall, we rise again. But time always catches on, and plays a review, an instant replay of what we were, so that we know that we have passed, that we have grown.

I'd like to think that my blog is one of those things. A means used by time to make me review my life. I read my past stories and saw how I've been growing.

Others have too. Here's for example :

Comic Garden has closed. Erwin and Lilis have been married. They're blessed with one daughter so far. I'm happy for them.

Sugi, at Comic Garden in Aug 2009

Juli Cen has graduated and moved to Tangerang. Over there, she had a new boyfriend named Erwin. Her "cousin" lover (who's called Hendra in real life) (well, not her true cousin per se... nothing more than a plot to get me jealous.) is out of her life. Hendra moves on with his life and fiance. I don't really care about him though. As for Juli, she lives her life as she wants it. I don't wish her a happy life. Just that I'm not a part of her life anymore, as much as her to my life.

Dewi, Sundra and others, we never keep in contact again after the fiasco in Berastagi. Well, who could blame them? But they are good people. I wish them to be happy.

Christian Coa, I had a beef with him. He could be a pain in the ass sometimes, but I know he means well. Though we never talk again, but I hope someday we can. Afterall, we are friends before Juli appeared.

Sugi, he still is one of my best friends until now. He never changes, which is weird. LOL. I think he's gotten better at things.

Erin, she's living in Guang Zhou now, had a crush on a France dude, Haha.. I know.. she's that good. We're still communicating. Hope she is well.

And as for Nancy, we have been going out for more than five months now. We're happy. In fact, I'm going to meet her again soon after I publish this entry.

Nancy and I, at the Sipiso-piso Waterfall, at the end of 2010

Nancy, I and Friend, at Taman Lumbini

You see, I have come a long way. We all have come a long way. Not just from sixteen months ago, but from the moment I start writing "Soliloquial Behaviour", the very first post of my blog.

And I love this blog. I love my blog. I never want to abandon this blog forever.

Why do I start writing again? The spark that ignited my long-hibernated blogging-addiction was an entry by my old highchool friend Hari Qhuang. After reading his writing, I suddenly really miss my own blog. Hahaha...

With all said and done, I'm still surprised how many things have happened to me in the last 16 months. But now it's time to get going with the present time.


It's a teacher for us. There are still so many things I'd like to write in my blog. So many things this blog has missed out.

But like I said...

How do you fit everything that's happened in the last sixteen months into a simple entry of a blog?

What would you write on a blog you left sixteen months ago?

One answer. You write from the heart.


Thursday, December 31, 2009

Only New, No Old

Hope is a dangerous thing. Love is even more dangerous.

Happy New Year!

How are you guys doing? I'm still at Berastagi right now, and this is the first morning of 2010, the first Friday. I am feeling okay, safe, and happy. This is a new year, so I don't see a reason why I can't start over a new leaf in the big chapter of my life.

If you read my last entry, then you understand how I was going through with her, but after that first night, where she continued to break my heart, I became stronger somehow, though it broke me, but I decided to forget everything about her. To finally really let her go. The way I could do that, is by these following steps :

1. Stop following her around and wonder where she is and what she's doing.
2. Finally erase all of her text messages to me, the ones I saved because they meant a lot to me.
3. To understand that this, ultimately, is what she wants.
4. To accept that I won't be there anymore to protect her, she now has her "cousin" or friend. He will take care of her.
5. The hardest one, is to not think of her. That way, I won't need to care about her. The less I think about her, the happier I will be. This specific step I admit I couldn't do without the help of another person, a person who shows a great potential, and who's nice, and caring, and totally different from her. I am thinking about her instead, and this helps me to get over her.
6. To be with my other friends (the one I know I can count on), and to have the best time of my life. This is an Old n New vacation after all.

To be honest, after I made that decision, I have no idea if I could ever go through with it, but now, a day later, I know exactly for sure that I was doing the right thing.

So, if you must know, as of yesterday, as of this new year, I have finally moved on. She is no longer a part of my life. My love to her will vanish slowly but surely. This is the end of the two of us, but the beginning of something even more beautiful... my own happiness.

I think, the biggest reason that I could forget her is that I kept occupying myself with activities with my friends, like playing UNO or singing karaoke with Dewi and friends. And there is one other thing that excites me, the fact that my relationship with this new girl is getting better. If I have to move on, I have to find me a better person. Isn't that what all my friends said to me after knowing that she dumped me?

I am not looking for a rebound, because I am not that shallow, please... give me a credit. I am a born lover. I am the person who adores true love and soulmates, who likes romance and beautiful emotions. I will not play someone else's heart. I am not her.

Perhaps, in this case, I use this new girl, let's temporary call her R, as a means to forget about Minnie. Perhaps that is right, but if this can help me, I will go straight with it. There's no wrong in that. And another thing, from my past experience, I've learned not to fall in love to easily now. Hope is a dangerous thing. Love is even more dangerous. I have to be more careful from now on.

So what really happened yesterday? How was my New Year's Eve? I'll tell you.
I didn't sleep at all the first night I got here, so in the morning, I have made up my mind about leaving Minnie and stop caring about her. And so, from that moment on, every time we met, I just ignored her as she did me. It's for the best, in our current state.

We had noodles as breakfast, we played UNO cards afterwards, with punishments for the losers. They had to do chores. I played once and I lost. I got the job to clean up the Barbeque's floor. Hahaha.. But I wasn't doing it alone, many friends helped me, and that made it a fun thing to do.

You must know how come I could be happy when I was playing games with my friends. That's because she spent most of her time with her "cousin" and another friend of mine. The three of them were like a small group who only joined us when they felt necessary. I didn't care about them. And so whenever I was playing cards or karaoke, I would do them with other friends, and they are Erwin Muis, Lilis Njio, Sundra Talaman, his wife Juni, Juni's sister, and my three new friends : Dewi, her boy friend Amin, and Jacqueline.

Dewi is the coolest of all. She and I share a lot of things in common. She likes to sing as I do, and her music genre matches with me perfectly that I'm a little terrified. Hahaha.. Also, she loves to take pictures like I do. She's cool and funny and smart.

Amin perhaps is as cool as Dewi is. He surprises me sometimes, he sings in the moment... but when you ask him to sing along in a karaoke, he wouldn't. He is funny as hell, smart and friendly.

Jacqueline is Amin's cousin. She's the youngest of all, even younger than Minnie. But she doesn't look that young. She looks like grown up girl. She is the master of UNO, and we were all having a bad time defeating her, but with over and over again efforts, we finally crushed her. Hahaha... Also, she has a nice voice and she loves to sing.

When we were singing karaoke until our voices broke down, Minnie and her two friends were locking themselves inside a bedroom. They seemed almost unfriendly to the others but I couldn't care less anymore.

Jokes and laughing got our day moving into night. In the afternoon, while we're doing nothing, Dewi, Jacqueline and I played a poker card game but just the three of us. Whoever lost a round would suffer a punishment and humiliation. We played once and Dewi was the first to lose. She had to scream out her name to the neighbourhood while we're recording the whole process. It was funny. Hahaha.. The second time around, Jacqueline lost. She had to sing our national Anthem, Indonesia Raya, on top of her voice. Hahaha...

But the third time was also Jacqueline's moment. She lost again, and she had to sing Pada mu Negeri, completely. LOL.

The both of them weren't satisfied until I lost. But then a person called Apek showed up, and he already had a reputation as a Luck-Breaker. He was standing behind me the whole time I was playing cards and thus my luck turned 180 degrees and I lost the game. We all jokingly blaming him as the reason why my luck changed this drastically. But the fact is I lost. And I was about to suffer my punishment.

But my humiliation wasn't usual, because the girls were determined to embarass me in the best way they can. So I was asked to wear jacqueline's scarf around my head like a muslim woman, and then go to meet all of our gangs, to act like a soldier, scream embarassing stuffs and eventually sing a complete reff of Indonesia Raya on the top of my voice. Twice. Hahaha.. They recorded me, damn! Hahaha... They all laughed at me, and I laughed myself. It was a game, a really funny one. I had a great time with them.

The evening UNO game was even more funnier. We played many rounds, each with their unique and embarrassing punishments. Erwin lost thrice, Jacqueline twice, Lilis once, Sundra twice, but Amin and I were lucky enough to survive the rounds. LOL.

The funniest part was the last one, when Sundra lost. It was a time of desperation, because whoever lost this round had to go to in front of our villa, stand on top of a chair and scream loudly "HI EVERYBODY!!! MY NAME IS .... AND I AM A CRAZY PERSON!!!!" and then sings "La la la la la" in a way of a teenage girl does.

It was scary, the round was intense, and Sundra wasn't seem to be losing, not until Apek suddenly showed up and stand behind him, which suddenly threw Sundra's luck out of place. He began to be so unlucky and finally lost. We roared with laughter as Apek once again was blamed for this unfortunate coincidence. Hahaha.. It was crazy, all of us laughed really hard until our neck and stomach hurt. But then Sundra, a thirty year-old husband with a child screamed like a little girl, we all laughed hard once again.

At eleven o'clock, we started the Barbeque. It was a cold night when mountain winds blew on its might finally in the year 2009. When the countdown arrived, we all shook hands and greeted Happy New Year! with each other. I didn't shake Minnie's hand though. I only texted her.

She replied my text with her current strong-headed message and her assumption that I was a childish person and that I was still in love with her and wanted to get back with her, I told her my feelings for her had changed because she wasn't worth it, and that she didn't need to worry about me. I was happy.

And then she texted me back saying some childish sentences I couldn't remember because I already erased all of her messages.

Moving on, we're all celebrating New Year with lighting the fireworks and acting crazy. I have a video of it all.. a 13 minute-long video showing the whole thing. We sang songs and we laughed, it was the best way to spend Old n New.

And, lastly, about R... she didn't disappoint me last night, if so, she surprised me and I like her even more. I just hope everything will be allright now. Strangely, this time, I am optimistic that my life will turn out to be just fine, and better than last year.

Happy New Year, everybody! Let us live!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009


When what your head tells you to do and what your heart wants you to do doesn't match, well... you're fucking screwed!

Dear World,

If I tell you that I've been better in the past two weeks, then I would have lied to you completely. The aftermath of a broken heart could not vanish this easily, especially when the feeling I felt for her isn't a usual puppy love anybody would expect. I loved her thoroughly and completely. I was in love. And now I was broken up.

In my last entry, I have told you the whole story of our tragic relationship, how we came to exist and how we broke up. How she left me. But the acceptance was too damn hard to come by. Honestly speaking, I couldn't accept it, and I can not. Perhaps I will never will, and I just have to live with it.

But so much has been going on since the day I found out about the other guy. She didn't and she never admitted him to me. She kept shoving me with lies, that the guy did not exist, when I clearly know that he did. Perhaps she was embarrassed, and perhaps she didn't want to hurt me even more (which actually happened, she hurt me even more by NOT telling me the truth about him). I had to find out from somebody else. From her bestfriend.

But then, when I thought things couldn't get any harder, one morning I woke up to find her text message saying that she wanted me to forget about her, to erase her from my life, and to never look for her again in anyway possible.
The shocked me didn't get the whole meaning of that message, because it was still early in the morning and I just woke up. So I opened my facebook, and I opened her profile page. But then I found something that freaked me out the most, she removed me from friend.

I was blindly and utterly angry, and scared, and confused, but most of all, really really upset. The only possible explanation was that she had had problems with that guy, and that guy was somehow jealous with me, and asked her to remove me from her life.

I tried to call her several times but she didn't pick up my call, not even once. Haunted by the desire of explanation, desperately, I texted her several messages I knew she couldn't ignore. Slowly, in the end, she told me via sms that someone was jealous about me and her, thus confirming that she'd been lying to me, that there was in fact another guy.

But she wouldn't tell me any further than that. She cut me off completely. She evaded my call, she inactivated her cells, and she didn't opened facebook. All I can do, the then-angry me, I just sent her many many texts to say how I was feeling, that I was hurt beyond her imagination, that I was seriously offended, and angry. And that she should have never removed me from friends. I sent her too much too long messages, hoping that she would return them. I thought, at that time, if she didn't make it okay this time, then I could never forgive her anymore, despite how hurt I was.

Then, a few long hours later, when I had given up hope, and still upset, she texted me to ask me what she should do. I told her she should re-add me as her friend, because that guy's jealousy was his own problem.
She asked me to be the one who re-added her, but I denied. I told her, because of this, she was the one who removed me, so she was the one who ought to add me. I was extremely angry, but this, I was determined.

Later I told my friends everything about her, and that was the stupidest thing I had ever done. I thought my friends could help me to get closer with her, but as it turned out, I was betrayed once again, not by her, but by my fellow guy friends. They began to choose sides, and eventhough they knew me longer than they knew her, they all choose her, listening to her side of the story, and therefore inferred that I was the bad guy. They began to spend time with her more frequently than with me. They talked about me in secrets, and I noticed. They set up a yahoo conference but didn't invite me, usually they always invited me. But now that they knew about us, I was suddenly a total stranger. An outsider in my own home.

She re-added my facebook and I approved, but our relationship has been marred too badly. We couldn't talk anymore. We couldn't chat without being awkward anymore. And then it happened.

Because all my close friends were now her close friends, she began to spend time more often with them, and I, lesser.

Our group had been planning for an Old and New trip to Berastagi, starting 30th Desember 2009 until 2 January 2010. I had signed in, and I had promised them I would come, but then she did too, she, forsaking the fact that I would be on that trip as well, she joined in. And then things began to start really awkward.

My friends were planning to gather one day, to plan about the trip. They were discussing about meeting at Cambridge the next day, via Yahoo Conference late at night. I wasn't online at that time usually, because I didn't own an internet connection of my own. But as I was bored, I opened my Yahoo via my cellphone. I found all of them were online, so I thought there must be a conference going on. I asked my friend about it. I told him to invite me in, and so he did.

Inside the conference, I learned about the gathering plan the next day, but if I didn't open my YM that night, I would have been left behind.

The next day, we all met at Cambridge. Previously, I offered to pick her up from her home, like I usually did. But she said no, she would go there by herself.

The next day, she came with my friend, who had already had a girlfriend, but whose girlfriend was at Jakarta at the moment so that he was free. The both of them, my friend and she, they claimed that they had a family connection, she told me that he was somehow her long long long cousin. I chose to believe her.

But when I saw her coming with him together, riding a bike. I was jealous beyond limit. I was furious, not only because of the fact that they excluded me out of this, but also because of her "new" relationship with my friend, whom I hated to admit as a friend. My friends knew about my condition with her, but instead of helping me, why did they do this to me?

This is so fucking annoying and I hate everything about it. I wish to disjoin the trip but it was already too late.

So while at Cambridge, I confronted her. We had a big fight, and she accused me of being childish, selfish, a push over, and she hated me even more. How the hell should I feel?

I offered to ride her back to her house, but again, she insisted that she wanted to leave home alone, which in fact, she went home with him. Again, I was torn by sadness and fury. I went home immediately. Leaving us broken and scarred. Leaving me dead.

The next day, I convinced myself to be happy and enjoy all the good things in life and never to think about her again. So I went to my usual hang out place Comic Garden and I met two of my friends there. But all was going well until she showed up with my friend again. Everything was awkward once more.

I could only watch the two of them getting closer, while knowing exactly that he has already had a girlfriend. Everyone in the room don't seem to mind about her and him. Probably because they thought the both of them are cousins and they were close. I don't know if my jealousy is unreasonable. Perhaps it is, but still, I wish that the two of us can make it as friends, not as two people who doesn't talk but still see each other every day.

So I tried to fix things up with her, I told her that we should be civilized, we should be able to talk to each other again, and I have tried to do that. I have started conversations with her, only to hear her answering me in a short, cold reply or shrug.

She says she doesn't want to try to fix things up with me. She doesn't want to try. She has hated me. She keeps saying that I am childish and a push over. I hate that. It makes me hate her even more.

And now the day is up. We are still not talking and we are about to spend four days together in a villa in Berastagi. FUCK! What should I do?

Right now, I am typing these words in the villa's living room, while she and my "friend" are sitting on the couch watching movies. I am facing straight towards them. I know she is going to sleep beside him. She has already put her head on his shoulder and slept.

It's like she's trying to make me jealous and hurt even more. There are rooms upstairs for she to sleep in with other girls. But she chose to sleep on the couch with him accompanying... her "cousin".

And why am I sitting and facing towards them? Because I need to see everything. I need to make sure nothing happens between them. I am watching them, while typing this. You can imagine how awkward this is. And you can imagine how I must feel.

Am I hurt? Yes.
Am I jealous? Yes.
Am I wishing that he dies now? Yes.
Do I know that watching them sleep is the most stupid idea ever? Yes. But I have to. I can't sleep anyway. It's already 5.36 in the morning now.
Do I know that there is no chance whatsoever that she will return to me? Sadly, yes.
Do I want her to be with me again? I don't know. I think yes. But I have been hurt too far. I can't. I don't want her again, but yet I want her again! ARRGGHHH!!!! When what your head tells you to do and what your heart wants you to do doesn't match, well... you're fucking screwed!

I don't know what will happen to me tomorrow and the next day and the next day. It's already new year, but I just feel that because of her, this is my worst new year's eve ever!

I just want this trip to be over, and then I won't need to meet her again, to see her again, and I will decrease my meetings with my friends whom I know can't be trusted.

I have learned many things. Not to trust people is one of them. You never know who your real friends are until they did something like this to you.
I hate them. I hate her. I hate myself for ever loving her. But still, I still love her.

I feel like I just wanna disappear from this world. But what I want right now is someone else.

I want to meet a new girl, and I want to have a new girlfriend. Perhaps as a rebound, but I don't think so. I am now ready to love another woman, and this time, I will choose carefully.

Please, end this misery. I'm begging you.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Acceptance

One of the hardest things in life is watching the person you love, love someone else.
Do you know the hardest thing in life is not "living the worst moments"? No. The hardest thing is "accepting it".

Just like this. I don't know how to begin. In this entry, I will tell you the whole thing. Because I have been going on and on about this in the past thirty days and it's been eating me from the inside out. Now it's time for me to let go. Now it's time for me to accept.

This is a story of my love life, a pathetic love searching ended in a most tragic way.

It all began when I met a girl who I thought to be different from all the girls I know. She's cute, she's stubborn, and she's caring. She's one of the kind, and she had feelings for me. I grew to like her as well. I shared the connection between the two of us. Slowly, but surely, I began to fall into her. I thought about her all the time, because that's what I do when I'm in love.

It's too soon to tell, but I was quite sure that this was it! How often was your first love your real love? I couldn't believe it, but I have found the answer to my loneliness. I have found love. Or so I thought.

The days we had were amazing at the very least. It's hard to describe how great it was, the times we spent together... the closeness and the passion. It's all new to me. I was scared. Little did I know..

She always said that she wanted me forever, that she loved me completely and she hoped that I would be the last one for her. It was the perfect dream. My life couldn't be better.

But as the days went by, she changed.

It hadn't been three weeks when she started to show signs of unhappiness. She was quieter than usual. She was starting to pull away from me. She didn't want me to call her, to see her, to meet her, and to spend time with her anymore. She picked fights with me. I couldn't be more patient in dealing her.

I told her if time was what she needed, I would give her that. But she wouldn't say what was bothering her.

Her stubbornness started to annoy me. But I didn't want to mess up this relationship.. because at those times, I have known that I loved her. Real bad that I couldn't live without her.

On the twenty sixth day we were together, she told me she wanted to break up with me. That's when things span out of control. Her only reason was that she "couldn't do it anymore".

It was the vaguest and the most ridiculous way of breaking up I've ever heard. Two days earlier, she just called me babe, texted me to ask me to ever not leave her. But now...

So that was it. She just left me. Hanging without a clear explanation of why. I was having the worst time of my life. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't breathe and eat. I couldn't focus on work. I was a damn mess when she first left me.

And Yet I searched for explanation. I asked her over and over again. She told me that I had become so annoying, a push over, and she said that if I kept doing this, she would hate me. But I couldn't let her go that easily. She was already letting me go. I was getting sadder. I couldn't believe everything that had happened. WHY?


What happened to her promises and her love before? Was it all a mere illusion? Was I just a doll she played with?

A month later, that was yesterday, I finally found out the real answer as to why she left me. It's very simple.

She dumped me for another guy.

Her feelings for me changed, or died away when we're still together. She was like a bitch whom I hated very much. I wanted to make her pay. I was so angry.

But then I remembered... I still loved her. I still care for her. I couldn't hate her, ever. How could I hate the person I love? But I have finally found a closer. I hoped I would be able to move on.

Now, she and I are still friends. I still love her, and despite what she did to me, in the bottom of my heart, I still hope for us to be together again, because she was my first true love, no matter how bad and cruel she is. But I know that we won't be a couple again. She has made the decision to leave me, and knowing her stubbornness, I know that she won't be with me anymore.

So now, all I can do is to accept everything, and try to move on. I have to grow and be more mature. This is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.

And the truth is, I don't know if I can.

Thursday, December 03, 2009


Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

I guess this is the first time I have this feeling. What Bella Swan said in Twilight, "I'm only scared of losing you.", I finally know how it really means.

I have no doubt about how I feel. I'm just scared.

Is loving somebody too much wrong?

All I've ever done is to love her. But that is becoming a problem. How can something so beautiful be seen as something wrong?

I am so close to blaming her. I need more strength and patience, because my insecurity is about to eat me from the inside out. I must prevail. I must survive. Because I won't mess this up.

Not anymore.