Dismal Valents II

Previously on Dismal Valents...

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Do you believe in love?

I know I have been. Always. It’s like a beautiful thing to do, to believe that such a perfect and fragile thing does still exist. That’s beautiful. But love, it’s not so beautiful for me this year. Since my post last year, I haven’t had one big crush that could fall in to the “love” nominee.

But I still believe it. I still hope for it. Looks like not much have changed since the last year, the only things I have in common are my loneliness and my hope of finding a love of my own, real soon.

I know love can be very beautiful. I’ve seen it in movies and real life. How can it be so difficult for me to achieve it? Haven’t I earned it yet? I’m a loveable person, right? I can love. I do love. They should see that. But of course, there have been so many other things to see first. Money, job, appearance, house. It’s like they are toppling the one thing that really matters, my feeling. My love.

can not see my eyes

But it doesn’t hurt for a man like me to try every single day. It’s just, a man can only hold on for so long. He can no more contain everything inside him when desperations come into play, and lust and anger interfere. Sex pops out of his head.

But despite those horrible consequences, I just always hope for the best, believing that it will lead me to a satisfying outcome in which way I can stumble on some pieces of my heart and soul, solving the baffling “happiness” puzzle of my own.

I really hope the sub-conscious act of consoling myself won’t bore me, coz that’s one of the little things left in me I can hang on to, besides few of my close friends who can’t really be there for me at all times, remembering I am unavailable at most times, and at those most times, I feel lonely the most, and that hurts the most.

The battle between me and loneliness is an endless war. A never-ending struggle is what it is. I have a small number of alliances I can use, I often use. They come in the form of love, hope, togetherness, and the most powerful tool of all, is the combination of the three of them.

What do I do for tomorrow? Tomorrow is near. I may see Anni. It’s a minute hope, yet I do not know good or bad. But things have happened. I am changed. I do not love anybody in this moment and somehow this year’s Valentine’s Day seems like nothing to me. I don’t really care what will happen tomorrow. It’s something that I think, I can cherish, if not fear.

Valentine’s Day has come! It’s time for me to “do nothing”.