A More Honest Thought

Don't walk in front of me, I don't want to follow you. Don't walk behind me, I don't want to lead the way. Don't walk beside me either. Just leave me alone!

Hello my dear old blog, my first blog and my favourite blog ever. It's not like I've forgotten about you and don't love you anymore... it's because for these two weeks of absence, I was thinking and contemplating while my other consciousness was trying to cheer me up. The thinking part of me caused me so that I couldn't have anything meaningful to write on this blog. I had no inspiration whatsoever. All that I could think about is finding me a girlfriend and as I looked for options and ended up clueless after all, I daresay that I failed utterly.

Finding a girlfriend isn't easy. Well, it's not when you're an average-paid full-time futureless private-teacher with no car and socially retarded. But you're still a freakin' human and all you can do is feel and think. You can still have a crush on somebody, wish for a wishing star, feel lonely and want it to get out of your system. I just wish I couldn't feel all of it. But again, I'm wishing. And that makes me human.

There's this girl. Let's call her Q. She's the kind of girl that's so rare in this town Medan. Why? Because she just loves what I love. We have so much in common, but when I see her face and look at her... I feel nothing. I want to like her but I can't. I want to like her so bad because I need to. For a while, She's been like the only girl who seems to be able to talk to me with all the things I'm interested in. But I don't think she's pretty. I don't think she's sexy. I don't like her. Why do looks always matter? Should I make a move on her eventhough I don't feel the thing? No. it's selfish. It wouldn't be fair to me or to her.

There's another girl. Let's call her N. I've met N once, and I've seen her pictures very often. The first time I knew her, I thought that this girl was it. She's pretty and hot and she's definitely my type. But when I talked to her, I found out that she's a very rude and childish. But I tried to reason with her, after all, I knew she tried too. She wanted to know me a little better. I tried to do my best to make her like me, because at that moment,I've already felt something towards her. A slight crush. She and I didn't have much in common. That made us quite difficult to find things to talk about. But she's more open minded than any girl I'd ever met, and I like that about her. It's just after we met, I still felt that I couldn't get through to her. And I think it's because she found that she didn't like me after she met me in person. When I tried to ask her to meet again, she always found a reason to apologize. I got it. So I stopped trying.

At last, there was this someone I've known for a while now. I used to hang out with her but I didn't anymore these last few months. Strangely enough, I met her last week and we said we missed each other. Let's call her O. She's the kind of girl that's totally the opposite of me. I like everything she doesn't like and I don't like everything she likes. But we still meet and talk like two good friends. Sometimes, when I walked with her and held her hands, I thought I'd taken things to another level, but she always refused that. I don't get her at all. And as for me, I don't really have feelings for her. I think that I know now, I only went out with her when I felt lonely and when I loved the company. She's not even my type of girl. Far from it. There are things of her that I like. But I really don't think that I can be in a relationship with her. And she seems to know that too. But one question always rings in my head. Why have I always asked her out? Why has she always given me such a false hope if there could never be any relationship between us? Either way, I've promised myself to never fall to this same trick again. I will find somebody else.

The three of them were making me busy and restless. They filled my head so bad that there's no room for inspiration anymore. I couldn't write. I could just posted pictures for my new website every single day (which backfired, because my stupid photobucket has just exceeded its bandwith! Arrrgh!) I'll deal with it later.

I don't know where to turn. Maybe I should go out literally and find some new girl and introduce myself. No bull shit. Right now I'm feeling really brave. I don't feel like the person I was before. Right now, if there's a pretty girl in front of me making an eye contact with me, I will not be hesitant to go talk to her.

I'm just that desperate or crazy. But I think desperate isn't suitable with my current status. I'm not desperate to have a girl friend. I just want things to change... things in my life. And the first thing that comes to mind is that I need to find a person to share my life with. I really need to evolve and not eternally drown in the shy-retarded geek boy. I need to change.

But even that I found to be difficult.

A part of me says that I just haven't found the right girl. No body in their right mind hates me. I think I can say for myself that I'm a normal friendly person. And a normal single girl would wake up each day and none of them won't wish that she would meet a guy who would sweep off their feet. Arrgfh! Why all the politics! Why can't I just tell the girl I like that I like her?

You know what?

I'll try just that. Telling the girl straight forward.

A friend of mine, Hendry, talked to me and Sugi once about this. I remember vividly that he acts so aggresively with girls. No high school bull shit because we're way past that.

If you like somebody, tell them. No big deal. I wanted to change. THIS IS CHANGE.

Note to myself when I'm reading this again in the future : Alphabets above minus one. A-1.