Mind Trouble, My Trouble

It was the first night in weeks I went home without the sky washing me out. This wet weeks gave me both prudent and gibberish thoughts. And so here I was, driving alone in a newly repaired road ahead to Tembung, the most tranquil place I've ever been, at least to me alone, it was.

The road was empty for several long meters, probably everyone didn't want to stride along this chilly nights several minutes after the big rain. I did. I kinda had to, actually. It's time for me to go home and have my delicious dinner I'd been craving all day. I was starving and out of energy, and yet my mind didn't want to take any time to rest. It wandered around, spoke to me about a lot of things my eyes saw. It's really annoying to have an unsilentable voice deep inside you telling you everything you didn't have, everything you should have had.

I often argue with them, the voices, but most times I just listened in, and accepted the truth they were telling me.

The lonely road became more crowded as I marched in a lighter area, near the bridge in to Tembung. There I saw a motorcycle striding past me, a long haired girl at the back seat hugging her driver as they moved quickly. I watched them intently and surreptitiously as well. They were talking against the heaving wind but I couldn't listen to any words they said.

Then they blurred away, my thoughts criticized me and compared me to everyone I saw. Another couple showed up from behind me. I looked at them again, my thoughts annoyed me again. This time, the girl was pretty and she leaned her chin on her boyfriend's shoulder. And she stared at the sky, obviously thinking about Fake-God knows what. But there's a happiness scratched on her face, and suddenly I strongly didn't want to see mine.

When I took a left turn and entered a smaller and much quieter road, I thought of my friends, and my non-friends. All in the past. They were so far away that they didn't have a clue of what's happening to me. Nor that they would care anyway.

Then I recalled Frans Lius and his girlfriend Yessie, the one I'd never met again after high school and the one I'd never met in my life and probably never will be. It's funny I suddenly thought of them. Was it a trick act that my mind created to annoy me even more? Or was it just a stray thought of what life was for everybody, different and unfair?

I was so tired I parked Smashie recklessly, she groaned at me but I didn't care anymore.

My mind dragged me into an emptiness, an abyss of loneliness and insanity. Have I lost my mind? Oh, dear. I wish I had. It kept bugging me!

.

What Happened Today

Yeah, about last night.

I know that I had been preparing myself to whatever happened to me today, either it's good (as hope expected) or bad (as disappointment foretold), but as it's happening, all previous thoughts came to a halt, be forgotten, or buried temporarily.

I didn't get what I'd been expecting. But, again, as it's happening, I experienced something else. Something different and new. I don't know if it's a good thing, but it felt like it, so I folded back my dreams and plans and went through the new drama.

That new thing is, if I must describe it in words, an amalgamation of togetherness, laughter, and awkwardness.

There are few things I wished to happen and didn't. I was feeling kind of miserable when it didn't. But later that time, I figured that maybe they didn't need to happen. It was probably a good thing. Coz there's one thought that crossed my mind when she told me a lot of stories, opinions in her point of view, things I was not ready for. Things I am not ready for.

She has grown beautifully and I really like that. I think that I was trying to tell her that but the words that came out from my mouth was probably something like...

"No. no. no... Of course you're... I mean.. you're more beautiful. No... I mean, uh... you are now... always..."


Ugh.


I loathe myself.


Anyway, though several things didn't go according to my expectations, some did. And I have me and her thanked for. Maybe I don't need what it is I thought I needed yesterday. Maybe I'm not ready. Cuz there are many things I never think of... and that's scaring me a lil' bit.

Maybe love isn't enough. When it comes to understanding each other, maybe the acceptance on both sides isn't enough. Maybe I have to learn much more. It's just... I am bad when it comes to dealing with ladies, especially ones I like.

If she (or anybody) can accept that, is it enough for a foundation to build on? Cause loving is easy, but understanding is way out of my league. But hey, don't people spend their lifetime trying to accomplish that with each other?

All I'm saying, what I figure out today, is probably finding your soul mate isn't enough. Finding her is one thing, but maintaining a relationship with her is another.

Man, just when I thought that one task is difficult enough... now here comes another one.

Big one.

Phew!


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Songs and Silhouettes

See how the night has fallen
Fallen upon you and me
See how its cloak has covered us
Guarding our mysteries


And how the stars are sinking
Sinking below you and me
Lost in a dream of obviousness
Lost in the shimmering sea


As the wind flies over the world unseen
Lilac eyes shine in the dark
And with the rise and fall of our unspoken dreams
She gathers us into her arms with
Songs and silhouettes
Songs you won't forget


Feel how the world is floating
Floating around you and me
Feel how the air is whispering
Secrets of eternity


As the wind flies over the world unseen
Lilac eyes shine in the dark
And with the rise and fall of our unspoken dreams
She gathers us into her arms with
Songs and silhouettes
Songs you won't forget

Songs and silhouettes
Songs you won't forget

Everytime I close my eyes and journey my edgeless mind, her face the picture of her and me in perfect circumstances, warmth and joy everywhere. Our heads nod repeatedly following the composed melody in the air.

Our eyes are closely joined in a deeply understanding gaze, smile carved on our lips.

Then I heard this music... about something like this.

"I wanna know... have you ever seen the rain?"

Oh, sweet moses.... that is what I call happiness.

Peace.

Is that too hard to come by?

It's an exciting thing to wait for something good to happen, though you know you'll be disappointed in many ways if things don't work well as you expected. The feeling is unique and special, I feel like no one else in this world ever have the chance to feel this way, unless they have spent a lot of times being alone with hopes in every corner of his mind.

To have something good finally about to happen, is almost as good as having it materialized.

I see all this silhouettes of her in flashes of thoughts. Then I hear these songs I wanted to hear. I am being captivated by my own hope. It's not even real enough, but as someone said, let's make it real. If I can't, at least I've tried.

I guess I'll just see tomorrow.

"I wanna know
Have you ever seen the rain?
Coming down on a sunny day"

One Man's Dream

A random girl appeared out of nowhere, resided in my life, changed everything.

A random girl had a long delicate hair, sharp eye, but warm.

A random girl worked at somewhere, all by herself, until I came along in her life. Funnily, I saw no possible explanation for that.

A random girl at a random opportunity, a tiny possibility, it was almost absurd.

A random girl, how can one live loneliness all day find one live loneliness all day? Separated, divided.

Awwww.... my head my head my head....

somebody.

light to shed.

her.




Aw, that was just a dream, or was that?


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The OneHundredth

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that phase.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy

Probably

To tell you the truth, I’d accept a little craziness in me… cause at least it wouldn’t be boring.

The last ten days were like a whole new life, and worse, too. It seems like I’ve really had my death. And now it’s hell time.

There has never been a time like this in my entire life. Everytime I thought “This is it! This is the worst.” The next few days proved me wrong.

But there are a few things I saved in my mind to keep me hanging. Prospects to linger on. And this post is one of them. One that I’ve been delaying for a while now. This is my one hundredth post! At last! I’ve come here. (And I will also take this chance to re-review some of my favourite editted pictures... All pictures below belong to Bambang Superwan.)

Happy 100, soliloquial.blogspot.com! You’ve grown far and been here with me for several months. Eleven months to be exact. That counts as something. I promise I’ll never abandon this blog. Not after it reaches this far.

And so in this special entry, I will re-journey my life from the beginning. Consider it a semi-auto-biography or whatnot. So here it goes. This may be one chance for you to re-know me. To start over. Afterall, I've been dead once and reborn in this hell-like reality. That fits!

My name is Bambang Superwan Djohan. That's my original name. But I don't really like it. All three words of it. "Bambang" sounds very Javanese. "Superwan" alone have given me bad times since I was a kid. People laughs at me, at it, every time they hear it for the first time. They mock me, but I have gotten used to it now. Let's just say that. "Djohan" is my father's father's name. I don't really like him as well. He is the one who gave me this name. After all his "proud education", he still couldn't give me a normal "neutral" western name... like Alex, or Mark, or Kevin, or whatever. No no no.. it's Bambang. For crying out loud. Thank you, "Grandpa"!

I have thought about changing name later in the future. The nominees are Will Cleafant (which I created on my own in 2004), or Ken Silver (an imaginary detective I created when I was a kid), or perhaps just a normal name like Mark. I always like to think of me as a Mark. Do you agree?

I lived all my childhood in Kaban Jahe, a small town in North Sumatera. I hardly went on vacation. My favourite ones were "going to Medan to visit our relatives". My family had them several times a year, and I liked them so much because we got to travel with a green-black Kijang car in the middle of midnight. And I always liked it when all three of us (me, my older brother and my younger sister) were in the back seat, with blankets and pillows covering us, we were pretending to be asleep, but I knew perfectly well that I was very much awake the entire time. I like the cold wind, the scary mountain views we encountered in the dark. Sibolangit, Sembahe, and Bandar Baru never seemed scarier. I always chatted with my sister and we counted how many trees we saw as accurate as possible. We also counted every single turn... how many left turns and how many right turns from Kaban jahe to Medan.

I will never be back to those moments anymore. It was so long ago.

This was actually my happy place, but one I can't visit very often.

I was schooled in Methodist, both KabanJahe and Berastagi. It was a great school and great memories too, until I was joined in a class full of bullies. I hated that and I always will. I was always afraid of them. But now, if I ever get back to that town and meet them face to face, I will show them who's the real man then, and now.

When I was in my last year of Junior High, I began to communicate with someone in Medan. Her name is Meiwina. She was schooling in Sutomo-1, as I had heard, the most prestigious school in the city. At those moments, I never thought that I'd be in the school too. But I did, and not only that. Somehow, we became really good friends and we shared the same class for two years. She was acting as my mother on a comedy-parade, and I was Eminem. What a hillarious moment. I can never forget that.

el_lightz, el_marshall, el_limited, el_raven, el_dios, el_pianist, and el_R34lL

My old 2-2 class symbol.

After I graduated from highschool, my future seemed to vanish slowly due to my family personal issues. I was forced to go to Jakarta and live a total different life. After a few bitter adjustments, I got in to a good college. It's called Binus University. I took the IT major, but I didn't finish it.

I stayed there and made some good friends... in fact... there were some really great friends I have been close with. It's so sad that I have to go back to Medan to restart everything again. And that was probably the worst year of my life, if I am to omit this year.

I actually had a friend looked like her


I loved this song, its meaning was unforgettable

My family's problems were finally over. But it caused my future shattered and left us with very little money. So we really need to start over again.

I got a job, a teaching job. I like it but I didn't really like it. It's the only thing I could think of doing.

Slowly, we were lift from the scratch. We became better. I became better.

That's not really my computer. I never own such a cool thing, yet.


Oh, I like BoA!

Three years later, I started this blog. I have a lot of cyber friends. I have a lot of obsessions and infatuation. That kept me alive. Though I didn't know what's the reason I was living, I was still happy.

It was good times. Good years.

And then I met Cy. I became obsessed with her. I told myself to not to put much hope on that one. But my emotions and my feelings made me forget. In short, I was shocked when I realized the one thing I'd realized so long ago, that I could never be with her.

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice
Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

After that, I have myself thinking about everything in my life. Expect so many things I can't have. And when I can't have them, I become sad.

"I'm a bad witch... but with just a click I might just switch..."

There are not so many things changed since the year 2005.

My Friendster Profile, a while ago




My freak friends gallery, both 2005 and 2006. I wonder where's 2007.




Hover mouse to see additional descriptions

But there are changes.

"however vague it may seem, it's still my future..."

I think what I'm trying to say is... that I've changed. I've learned a few stuffs. Look at me, I'm different. "Punch me, I'll bleed!"

(for bigger pictures, click them)

Everyone starts over when they feel like it.

Everyone starts over when they want a new chance.

Everyone starts over when they are hopeless and don't know what to do.

Everyone starts over.


With everything that has happened to me, from my painful illnesses several days ago until my new hell I'm living in now... from the un-sent postcard that broke my heart until Jacq's closing blog... from my depressions and attempted suicide until my newly hoped plans... from my loneliness until my still loneliness to come...


Please let me start over.

I lost a friend, I find a friend.

I lost a love, I find a soul mate.

I lost a habit, I find a new.

I lost a smile, I write a long good onehundredth.

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably

In the end, I still crave for a bit of craziness.

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