Falling

They say when you pray to God for something to happen, God is the one who laughs at you and then ignores you. I don’t believe in God, but I do agree with that. Today is a Tuesday. Just the second day of the week, but it has been felt like a long time ago I had my last Tuesday. I don’t care shit about the time-stretching, the relativity that’s barely discernible. Perhaps I have had so many thoughts going on in my mind. Every fiber of my brain can’t even take it anymore.

I was sick to my stomach. Felt like vomiting all the time. But there I was lying on the bed, staring at nothing, thinking of everything. Every emotion I was led, every beat of pain that was hurting me, I recognized it all. I’d feared it all, but it’s all coming back to me. Disheartened I was, grieving for the hope that had been abandoned so immediately. With just a snap of change, I had lost my hope and my faith.

I was quivering throughout the night, shivering as nothing had held my feet on the ground. And it was so atrocious to see I had nobody there to fully understand what I felt. What did I feel? Exactly?

Exactly?
I was lonely, I was disappointed, I was scared, I was saddened, I was blind, I was hopeless, I was even more desperate, I was afraid to admit it to myself, I was in no place I could breathe, I was hurt, I was tired of waiting, I was not seeing. And I solemnly understood all these feelings. That hurt the most.

Falling is like my life’s path. The sensation from the beginning and what it feels like in the end. The old quote : One moment of happiness, One century of loneliness. At first, you won’t even think twice to jump, and so you do. And it feels like the heaven has landed on your knee, quickly absorbed to your very soul, feeding you hope, serving you joy and love, promising you more. And the higher you jump, the greater the sensation. And they taught you not to look down. They always did. For some people, they always look down to earth. But some do not. I certainly do look down, but I was too stupid to get the point. I know what’s waiting for me below, and it can’t be good. But I chose not to care, for the heaven had promised me that I wouldn’t need to.

But no matter how high you were, you are falling. Down. And so you gotta hit the ground sometime. To my surprise, I don’t mind the falling down part, not until I see what’s below me. What’s below me was a hard rock ground. And if I thought that I’ll be hitting it, then I was completely wrong. There was a hard rock ground, fifty feet of shit, and then me.

It’s a beautiful world, isn’t it?


PS : Here I am, listening to my own song, writing this load of crap. Sometimes, things inside this blog are far away from veracity, and most times, they’re just bullshits. I’ve warned you about the dark and sealed side of me. Thank you for wasting your time for me. After all, that’s what we’ve been doing this whole time.