Are You [really] Having Fun?

Are you? That’s a question I don’t want to answer. Why? It’s just as simple as this. It’s because I don’t know the right answer, even for myself. Should I lie to myself? Should I tell the truth? But what does the truth matter when no one even cares? Should I just writing nonsense in this blog? Should I just change this blog into my personal diary? As far as I remember, when I started this blog, I dedicated it to myself, telling myself that this is the place I can scream my feelings to no one. The place I can expose all my selfishness and complaints, all my unspoken stories that could only be true in fairy tales.

But when one asks me, have I enjoyed my life lately? Am I really having fun? Well, in this post, I’m gonna try to answer it, as vague as I can, but as clear as possible.

Let me start by recalling what happened to me two days ago. (Well, damn right. This blog has slowly turned into a diary...)


°December 27, 2006 °


Wednesday morning. It is raining now, quite heavily. The best and most tempting thing to do now is to sleep behind the blanket. Instead, I woke up early and took a glimpse outside. It’s flooding again. The rain is pouring down every now and then. Sometimes it’s just drizzling and causes not much noise. But most time, the rain’s decanted so heavily that the sound it’s created disturbs me. I don’t like feeling this way. It’s like I am stranded in some unreachable place with no possible way out.

I watched Love Actually yesterday on one of Indonesia not-quite-disappointing TV Channel. I have watched it before, of course. But it was a while ago, and I hardly remember most of its story. In case you haven’t seen this movie, don’t worry, I’ll tell you what it’s about.

Love Actually is a British movie, starred by a great number of famous and talented artists such us Alan Rickman, Emma Thompson, Colin Firth, Hugh Grant, Rowan Atkinson, Keira Knightley, Elisha Cuthbert, Denise Richard, and more. This is a pack of stories about LOVE that surrounds people in the time of Christmas. Some are desperate, some are happy, some are falling in love, some are fallen from love, and some just believe, that in order to attain their greatest love, Christmas is the most veracious time of all.

This movie was very well written and deeply touching. If I may say so, it’s made me so jealous and it’s made me pity myself. Hahaha… I watched how everyone in the movie (even a child) struggling to conquer their insecurities and declare their undying love. They managed to do it so, at the end of the movie, right on the Christmas day. Ok, I’ll pick one of the stories from the movie, of which I thought is the greatest and toughest one. The most romantic one.

There was this couple, Peter and Juliet, they were just got married happily. And there was also Peter’s best friend, David or something (I kinda forget, but that’s irrelevant). David has loved Juliet since the first moment he saw her. And because Peter was David’s best friend, David tried hard to overcome his feeling and just forget about his forbidden love.

At the weeding, Peter asked him to video tape the whole thing, and so David did so. Only David then only recorded Juliet’s face. The whole tape only contained Juliet (and damn... she IS gorgeous!). So, after that, David kinda fled away from his own feeling. Except he couldn’t do that. So he excruciated himself, forced himself to sacrifice his own love. And it’s even harder coz Christmas was coming. Everyone was filled with love. So he lived by himself in his apartment, trying to make himself as busy as he could.

A few days before Christmas, Juliet (Keira Knightley) showed up at David’s apartment. She brought pies for David, which he said no to. She came in and wished to see her wedding tape. David was trying hard to stall her, making excuses, but none was effective. Seeing that, Juliet came clear with David.

She said, “David, I know that you’re Peter best friend and I kinda have this feeling that you don’t like me. We never really talk seriously. I am a friendly person, apart from my awful taste in picking pies. I really hope that we can be friends.”

David was acting really awkward for a minute and then replied, “Yeah… Ok. But that doesn’t change the fact that the tape hasn’t been found… so…”

But then Juliet found the tape. There was a Peter and Juliet’s Wedding sign written on it. And so she watched the whole tape, slowly realized herself is the only thing that’s in the video. David, sitting nearby, was gazing through the screen unfocusedly. And then, as simple as that, Juliet realized why David had been pulling away from her all this time.

“It’s for self-protection, you see. I… I think I just don’t wanna get hurt.” Said David, who then strolled away from her. David didn’t want to admit that he was already hurt.

So I just stand here this morning. Thinking about what I saw last night. And then I move myself to my computer. I try to write this story, so that I can post it later on my blog. But I can not finish it. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the pathetic side of me persuading me to keep writing and writing. I mean, for what? Why should I listen to this pathetic side of me, if it is pathetic? Or is it? Is it really so pathetic of me doing things like this? Or is the one that’s pathetic actually having me thinking about how pathetic I am? Well, I don’t want you all confused and drunk (drunk?), so I’ll do my best to keep this simple.

The bottom line is, I feel like I should do something new instead of just updating a stupid blog which contents are hardly true… So I stop writing that story and do something else. But it turns out I can’t do anything due to the unstopping rain. And it’s only me myself to blame if I have nothing to do today. So if think I am having fun, I am not being totally honest with myself.


°December 28, 2006 °



Today started with me forcing myself to wake up. The sky was quite clear and I was hoping that it wouldn’t rain. I was going to be traveling around today. And then I went to NV, learning about the whole internet connection in South East Asia was down. And then I went to see Eragon with a cute friend of mine, Nov_Sie.

Me and Nov_Sie

The movie was all awesome, and I knew I could enjoy it more if I wasn’t holding my urethra the whole movie. :P The dragon was sexy and cool. The special FX was fantastic. The acting was OK. And the mood was jovial. I mean, mine.

Today was a great day (well, thanks to you Nov_Sie—I mean, how many times do u have the chance to have me dragging you while you’re all drunk and wasted? :P). I kinda wish to have more days like this. And when one asked me if I had a great time that day, I could be really honest and told him/her that I was. I really was.

Later that day, a friend of mine came to me and saw me writing my blog. She asked me why I kept writing this, and claimed that I might be obsessed with blogging. Well, that was half true. Maybe I am obsessed with this blog, but it’s not because I have nothing else more interesting to do, it’s simply because I like doing this. And so I answered her. I keep writing this nonsense because it makes me feel good and hopeful. If it makes any sense to you, I feel like pushing away the aura of loneliness of mine while I am writing and seeing my blog. Friends may not be there for you the whole time. They may leave, they may be far, they may disappoint you, and they may forget you, but this ‘friend’ here… you can count on it.

If I must pretend to be happy in order to be really happy, then I shall. If I must have faith in my friends even when they’re not around—in order to be happy, then I will. If I must leave all my friends and face the loneliness once more, to be really happy, then I am going to. It’s just, am I really capable of making myself really happy? A soliloquist is a loner. He does whatever he likes to do, but he’s happy to do that.

Well, as selfish as it may sound, I really am trying to make me happy. Friends, if you are, please make me happy. Coz even if I know I’m the only one who can do that, but with having you guys around, I’m already happy. For everything else, come what may.

If one asks, “Are you really having fun?”

“Huh… let me see, I got my blog and I got my friends. Yeah, I am having fun!!!”

PS : Finishing the story, David came to see Juliet on Christmas day and he told her the truth about his feeling, that he would always love her, until she looked like [he showed her a picture of an eternized mummy]. And then she kissed him, only for a second, but that made David went home all smiling. It’s easier to let go when you’re happy. Well, see… I have finished the story!

Midnight Crisis

Well, it is 25th December 2006, Christmas is here. The day we all have NOT been waiting for. How was my Christmas Eve? Huh? Besides watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone on a pitiful TransTv? Well, my cell was a little preoccupied. I sent and received a lot of greeting messages, all those kinds of crap. Hehe… I was hungry but couldn’t eat after I cook myself some questionable food. :p And this crazy idea crawled thru my mind. I mean, it’s already one o’clock in the morning… what’s better to do on a Christmas day, than to go outside the house in the very midnight, taking some stupid pictures, quavering in cold air, and pretend that I’m a supermodel? (I hope you know I am being sarcastic ^^) Hahaha. So my little sister and I planned and did the whole thing while all of the others here were asleep. We then sneaked outside—two morons of the day, HoHoHo...

(Quoting Jack Bauer)

The following occurred between 2.00 a.m. and 3.00 a.m. on Christmas day 2006.

If you're wondering what I was doing in this picture above, I was just standing in the dark coz I'd been tired and sleepy and my sister took this picture spontaneously...

This is my younger sister, Sian Fei, check out her stupid expression below (^_^)

And there are still alot of pictures.. all momentous and some are just creepy...

Look at this picture closely, that was the silhouette of me and my sister.. Haha.. a bit creepy. And that hand of mine.. I like that one.. haha.. very artie..

And that’s the first thing I do on Christmas. What’s the first thing YOU do?

Happy Christmas everybody!

Christmas Present from Jo

Wow.. today, when i was just updating my blog, changing template here and there, a friend of mine in Aussie told me that Harry Potter's BOOK 7's title has been UNLEASHED. Wuuaaaaaa.. First I thought he was kidding me.. thought he was making things up. And then I went to my favourite HP's site www.mugglenet.com and the first thing I saw was Harry Potter's Book 7 title.. hahaha.. Excited and annoyed (coz I was late a couple of days to know), I read all the news thoroughly, and then almost died becoz of the excitement. Hahaha.. I tend to use a lot of Hyperboles when it comes to Harry Potter (actually, I use Hyperbole everytime, lol).

This is J.K.Rowling's Christmas present, a great one. Haha..

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Last book, last adventure.. This book title announcement made me realize how soon this series will be ended. It will be so bittersweet, I don't want this series to end, but I gravely looking forward to read how the story will end.

So, Deathly Hallows.. sounds really grim and dark.. I think this book will be the darkest one, the one with the uncountable death lists, hehe. This book will provide us all the answer we are waiting for, like whether Snape is a good guy or not, or is Harry going to die in the end? So, wonder as we may, but the only thing we can do now is WAIT. Wait until the book comes out in to the open. Sometime next year. Hahaha.. We just can't wait. I know I can't.

This little post is dedicated to all Harry Potter fans who are excited by this news. This is what I mean by a capricious event.. Huahaha.. Post a comment and let me know how you feel about this great news. (and please, don't be too sarcastic. :P)

WAVE, MP3, and MIDI, what's the difference?

For so long, I’ve been curious about how to convert an MP3 file into a MIDI file so that it would occupy lesser space on my harddisk, my cellphone, or internet bandwidth. I like to edit sound files, combine them, mix and strip them, convert into WMA, MP3, OGG, or else. But it would be so ridiculous when I don’t get the very basic concepts about it all. So here it is. Hope this post can teach us something useful. Hehe.. Don’t hesitate to ask or comment.

♫ SOUND ♫

For sound you need an instrument and a 'musician' (in the broadest sense of these words). If you like to hear a piano sound, you need to have a piano and someone playing it. If you love the sound of breaking glass, the neighbours window will do fine as an instrument and their son, throwing a baseball very wide, could be the great musician to satisfy you ;-).

Let's stick to the piano. When the pianist is playing the piano, little hammers strike the piano strings. The strings start to vibrate and make the air-molecules around them vibrate. The air-molecules pass this on to other air-molecules, until finally this vibration of air hits your eardrums. Sound is how you (your brains) interpret this vibration.

The continuous 'flow of vibrations' from the sound source (to your ears) is called the sound wave, which can be represented on paper (or on screen) as a wavy line, although this line would be very fanciful when it represents 'normal' sound.

When two or more instruments are played at the same time, all the vibrations coming from those instruments will be mixed (in the air), so there still will only be ONE sound wave. (Even more complex than from the piano alone).

♫ WAVE ♫

When you want to save sound, so you can hear it later, you can record the sound wave in several possible ways.
In the past people could only save sound in an analogous way. The sound wave was 'printed' on a tape or a (vinyl) disk. A bit similar to the way you would draw a shaky, wavy line on paper.
Nowadays it's possible to record sound in a digital way. Therefore the sound wave is 'cut' into thin slices, called samples. Each of these samples gets a value, depending on its position on the 'wavy line'. This way we 'convert' an analogue sound wave into a string of values. But don't forget, this long string of numbers (values) still represents the sound wave, the vibration of the air. No more, no less. This string of numbers, that can be stored on CD, Harddisk or Tape is called a WAVE file.

Two things are important in this process; the sample rate and the sample value.
The sample rate tells you how many samples are taking per second of sound, i.e. in how many slices a second of sound wave is cut. More samples/second (thinner slices) mean a better preservation of sound quality. A typical sample rate for real good quality is 44.100 samples per second.
Then these samples will be given a value. To be able to make a good distinction between the various samples you need a broad range of numbers.

Think about the athletes that run the 100 metres. If we could only measure their time in full seconds, the numbers 1 through 16 would be sufficient. The good ones would all do the 100 metres in 10 seconds, ergo they would all be world champion. Since we don't want that, we measure their time in thousandth of seconds, which gives us a broad range of 16.000 numbers (in 16 secs) to make a good distinction between the athletes.

We need something in that same order when we assign values to samples. Since computers work with bytes and 1 byte (256 numbers) is not really enough for reasons of quality, we use 2 bytes per sample, which gives us 65.536 numbers to choose from.

Now you also know, why (quality) WAVE files are huge. For one second of sound you need 44.100 x 2 = 88.200 bytes and that is just one channel. For stereo you have to double that of course, which brings you at a total of 176.400 bytes for one second of sound. A minute of sound will cost you roughly 10,5 megabytes.

♫ MP3 ♫

MP3 is the file extension for MPEG Audio compressed files. The .mp3 files are WAVE files, but they are compressed in a very special way. Maybe you have heard of file compression methods or maybe you even use a program like PKZIP or WINZIP to make .zip files yourself. This however is a completely different compression method.

When you compress a file and turn it into a .zip file, nothing is left out. It's a method to save ALL data in a smart way using less space. There are lots of possibilities to do that, but let me give you one very simple example.

When there are 40 dashes in a standard file, they are written as:
----------------------------------------
taking 40 bytes of space.

Another way of writing these 40 dashes is: 40x- (40 times -) which only takes 4 bytes of space. The compression ratio in this example is 10:1, which is, as you will understand, quite exceptional and certainly not the average for a complete file.

The advantage is, ALL data is still there, although the file takes up less space. The downside is, a .zip file has to be 'unzipped' before you can use it, which means that (after 'unzipping' it) it will take up the same amount of space as it did before it was 'zipped'. In addition, 'zipping' a WAVE file will not bring you very much. A compression ratio of 2:1 at the most.

The compression method that is used to make .mp3 files is totally different. In this method some things are actually left out, but in a very smart way, so you won't notice (hear) it. Information that is not important will be stripped. Based on the research of human perception the encoder decides what information is important and what can be discarded.

When a sound wave hits your eardrums, the incoming data is analyzed by your brain. The brain interprets the sound and filters out irrelevant information, which means you just don't hear everything that is in the sound wave.

Another simple example:
You're listening to the James Blunt’s using your headphones. Now turn off the walkman. You can hear everything that's going on around you. The headphones over (or in ;-) your ears do not really block the sound that is coming from the 'outside'. Turn the walkman back on and listen to the James Blunt’s again. This time you won't hear 'outside' sounds, although they're still there. The music on your headphones is so loud in comparison to the 'outside' sound, that this 'outside' sound is filtered out by your brain.

MPEG Audio compression does this job for you. It's called "perceptual coding." This is quite clever, because the information that would be stripped by your own "brain-filter" anyway, no longer needs to occupy hard disk space or internet bandwidth. You have to be a bit careful though, because if you encode at a very strong compression rate, MPEG also strips information that is audible, but with 'light' compression (up to a ratio of approximately 12:1) you won't hear the difference between the .mp3 file and the uncompressed original. Compression rates of 12:1 without loosing quality are pretty normal for MPEG Audio compression.
The disadvantage of MPEG Audio compression is, that there is a lot of processing power required to encode and play files.

♫ MIDI ♫

Let's go back to the pianist we met in the section about WAVE. We see him play the piano ('commanding' the piano) and we hear the sound. We already saw, that we can record this sound. (see WAVE)
Suppose I don't like the piano player and I want to get rid of him (for whatever reason), but I still like to hear that piano play the tunes. In that case I must record the actions ('commands') of the piano player and find a way to execute these 'commands' upon the piano. Well, they thought of a thing like this ages ago and developed the player piano, also called pianola. The 'commands' of the pianist were recorded on a roll of paper (the piano roll) by punching holes in the paper at exactly the right places. That way a 'smart' mechanism could play the piano. These piano rolls, representing a sequence of 'commands', are in a way the first MIDI files.

Todays techniques give us many more possibilities and we don't need the roll of paper anymore, but the idea is about the same. In a MIDI file we record (lay down) all the 'commands' of the musicians playing their instrument. So there is no sound in a MIDI file, there are only 'commands'. In MIDI these 'commands' are called messages or events.

How can I convert a WAVE file to a MIDI file?

If the question is: Is it possible to have the computer 'convert' a WAVE file to a MIDI file in such a way that the MIDI file (when played back) sounds like the original WAVE file? The answer is: NO!
These are completely different concepts. It's like asking: How can I convert a cake back into 'the separate operations of the baker' AND 'the original ingredients (eggs, sugar, butter, flower, etc)'?
A MIDI file is a sequence of commands to control one or more pieces of equipment (synthesizers most of the time). These commands are not sounds, they are recorded operations to DO something (mostly to GENERATE sound).

A WAVE file IS sound. It is the recording of a sound wave. It is the mix of all the given things (instruments, voices, background noises) you could have heard at the moment of recording. A lot of info (in fact almost all of it), that you need for a MIDI file, is lost. Like with the cake. When the cake is at your table, all data about the baking process is gone.

There is a lot of discussion going on (continuously) about WAV-to- MID conversion, done by computer/software. Don't be confused by people, who say it can be done or that it is (should be) possible. You'll hear all kind of academic twaddle in this respect. Like FFT, one of the most popular buzzwords (which by the way stands for Fast Fourier Transform) or some other kind of fancy gobbledygook. The problem is a lot harder, than these theorists like you to believe.

For people some sounds sound as music. We can like the sound of 50 musicians playing 50 instruments at the same time, because for us humans, the notes that are played by these 50 musicians are related in some way. To us it's music, to a computer it's just noise. Because of this 'relation' between instruments, that we humans hear in music, we can distinguish separate instruments (or instrument groups like violins) more or less. I say more or less, because when the orchestra of 50 musicians is playing at full strength, it will be impossible to pick out all the 'moves' of every individual instrument. Nevertheless, our ability to discern the different instruments fairly good in general, enables us to 'translate' a piece of music (by just listening to it) into a MIDI file. A MIDI file that, on play back, can come close to the original piece.

A computer (program) does not have that ability, that sense. It can not even distinguish music from noise. To the computer (program) it's just sound and we ask it to unravel that. If you'd like to know what that means, try to imagine the following: There are 50 musicians on stage, all having hearing protection so they can't hear each other. They all start playing a different piece of music at the same time. Do you have any idea how that sounds? It's still only those 50 musicians you liked so much before, but do you think you could make a MIDI file out of it this time?

The Dream Oracle

It’s been a while since I had a dream about something very exciting. I had one last night, but it’s not just a dream dream. It’s a really emotional dream that involved a bunch of people I know, but focused on the one I love the most. Yeah, it’s about a girl. It’s always about a girl I like, but it’s so complicated. I just wish the thing that had happened in my dream could happen in my real life.

This dream was vague, but it’s so strong that it lingered on my mind somehow. I want to write it down to eternize it so I can reread it any time I want, and so I won’t forget how it went. The dream told about a life of me and this girl I like. I don’t know. I have been trying not to fall in love with this girl. I have tried to limit myself and realize that it’s never going to happen, but there is still some part of me, deep inside my soul that wanted it to happen so badly that it led me to this dream. I guess you couldn’t ignore this feeling after all. Even though you’ve known it’s not going to happen in the present moment, it’s still a beautiful thing to wonder how it would feel if it did happen, what if…

It may sound absurd, but in this dream, I was with her. Living in the same world. Going to the same class, maybe at school or college, I didn’t know. She was as beautiful in this dream, perfectly amazing as I would have predicted. And so we’re in the same class, but that’s not the only people there. There’re a bunch of other students who I happened to know, but I barely recalled, except one. This guy is her best friend in the real life, let’s call him Hanz. Hanz was NOT a good friend of her in this dream; instead, he was her boyfriend. He sat together with her in class, at the very back of the rows. I didn’t know where I sat. Not yet.

And then something happened that changed it all. I’ve told you it was vague, but I could remember the time when she and I spent expensive time together. We were traveling and talking a lot, and somehow a bind was created between us. It felt so good. I remember we were walking down a path next to a swimming pool, filled with people recreating and having fun, as we were. She and I were an item. We both knew that. We both felt like we were supposed to be with each other, that we were meant to be till the end.

It may be unclear what we did and said, but the emotion was indescribably powerful. I still can throttle my heart into pieces whenever I remember all the sensation and realize that it can never happen.

And so we told each other about what we supposed to do. We knew we should be together from that time being, it just couldn’t be ignored, what they call… what they call… oh yeah… that little bastard called love.

I reached her hands, held them tightly and really felt her beside me, walking along side with me forever, her scent to play my brain. From that second, she was my girlfriend, the person I always wanted to be with. And I could tell that she feel the same way. That was the most relieving part, as if after I had learnt that, I knew that we could overcome everything that comes against us—whether it’s loneliness, distance, unfaithfulness, or even Hanz.

So we headed back to class. There was no Hanz there; we knew that he hadn’t arrived just yet. And so I sat with her at the very back of the rows, the exact place where Hanz would have been. It felt like I was replacing Hanz’ position but I didn’t care. Coz it didn’t matter no more. I have found my love. Nothing could come between us then. And then Hanz entered the room, watched us (and particularly me) and I swore I could feel something extremely disturbing on his look. I sure knew what it was, since I was depriving his girlfriend. But I knew too, that he was not even matched as her boyfriend. I was. Everyone in the world knows it. She knows it, Hanz does too. That’s the perfect world where things like those can really occur. But honey, it is no perfect world out here. We can never be together.

This reality may not be real and may not be materialized in a few years to come (or like, ever)—but I want you to know one thing. The feeling, the love, the emotion which was captivated inside me, it was real, and it will never fade away.

Like a song
Out of tune and out of tone
All I needed was a rhyme
For you
C’est La Vie

Do you give
Do you live from day to day
Is there no song I can play
For you
C’est La Vie

Ah… Ah…
C’est la vie
Who knows, who cares
For me
C’est La Vie

Capricious

Today started with a heavy rain and ended with another one. I was wet the whole day, caught in traffic jam for more than an hour in the humid morning, working and working tediously, and then headed home and bought some lunch, usual menus but with a shrimp pie (it’s weird, I don’t remember I like shrimp), was watching Friends and laughing, usual usual… boring boring… and then took a little nap, got ready, and the went for another shift of another tiresome work. It was raining again, quite as heavily as before, my jacket got all soaked again, reached there on time, working and working, usual usual… boring boring… two hours finally crawled away, I was glad to have some free time, went to never land, online for a little bit, played some games, chatted with some friends for a little while, ranked up at the first place, and had some fresh tea. And the time had flown away. It’s seven o’clock already, and it’s drizzling outside. I turned my bike to the final shift today, hopefully the final class this year, but on the way, the drizzle’s gotten madder. Someone poured down a sea of water from the sky (for the third time today). I stopped to put my raincoat on. Reached there all sopping and dripping. Taught some ungrateful lots, had some stress relieved after I’d realized that that was indeed the final class this year. Two hours later, the big storm had turn into another light rain. I drove to a café nearby, ordered some dinner at ten. Chatted with some friends and a beautiful girl there. Wished to know her a little better, but I knew I better shouldn’t. Waited for the rain to stop. Was teasing about life and how simple it was and yet too damn complicated. And finally headed back home safely and called it a day. A usual boring and predictable day.



And now the unpredictable part. Today has got me thinking about a lot of things. I was listening to Clay Aiken’s When You Say You Love Me, and I found it very entertaining with absolutely no reason at all. Well, I know I had liked this song since a year ago, but that’s not the reason why this song affected me this much. Then I listened to its lyrics.

(♪) I've been watching you, from a far and the way you make your way around the bar. You laugh like you’re really entertained and you smile like it’s your favorite game. Now you’re moving closer to me and our eyes are connected emotionally. I'm not looking for a one night stand, or a place for a broken heart to mend, I know everybody here wants to hold ya. I know what it's like ‘cause I feel the same. When you look in my eyes there's a part of me that's still afraid. (♪)

It was no good explanation of why I suddenly liked this song. The connotation of this song was not fitting for me at the moment. There was absolutely no reason. But perhaps this song’s eager melody was the one that affected me, made me delirious about a normal happy life, but not a predictable and dull one, a capricious one.

Christmas is near. That’s the day of nothing special in case you never heard of it. On this day, there’s a stupid old man called Santa who delivered a bunch of fake presents and prevaricated and lied to every stupid kid about his existence. And most kids do trust this crap. This is the day of fakeness where an idiot beardy guy named Jesus was born in a barn and we are supposed to celebrate him by hanging our socks above our fireplace and expect for some stupid gifts. Well, loathe me if you must—for ruining your Christmas spirit. I maybe like Chandler awaiting his thanksgiving, but here is something capricious: this year, believe it or not, I am looking forward to my Christmas day, though I have nothing special planned for it. And looking back at my previous Christmases, I shall not beg to differ. But this year maybe different, I don’t know why. It’s just I think that something may happen to me, the thought of me doing something… something.

Earlier, I watched a scene on Friends about Chandler and Monica. They have married, and they were meeting with Chandler’s boss at work, Doug. They didn’t like Doug at all, really not into the idea of the three of them having dinner. So Chandler told Doug, lied to him actually, that he and Monica had split up and there forth they couldn’t have the dinner. Doug took it more seriously than Chandler. He insisted Chandler to go to sleazy bars and strip clubs instead. He forced him to give up his engagement ring and throw it to the ocean. The aftermath was Chandler having a sorrowful simulation of life with no Monica in it.

And so he came home, all smelly and tequila-ish. He then told Monica what had happened. Here’s the conversation I’ll never forget:

Monica : Where have you been?

Chandler : It was awful. To get out of going dinner with Doug, I told him that you and I had split up. So then he took me to these strip clubs and sleazy bars. And then, when I wouldn’t give my weeding ring, he threw a soda can on a bird.

Monica : Come here… (she hugged him)

Chandler : You know what the worst part was? I got to see what my life would be without you. You know what, it’s like “It’s a wonderful life, with lap dances.” (he grabbed her hands and looked at her eyes deeply) Please promise me, that you’ll never leave me, that we will grow old together, and be with each other for the rest of our lives.

Monica : (smiling and tilting her head gorgeously) I promise.

And now I really don’t know what to say. You read it all carefully. You understand it. I won’t need to tell you anything. It’s pretty obvious what I want to say. I just can’t rearrange any sentences no more…

Tomorrow is Mother’s day. It is also my first free day. I don’t have anything to give, to say, or to do about all that, except just writing this on my blog. It’s not a perfect world where everything has to go down on one line, if you know what I mean. But as far as I can tell, we are trying to. I am. It’s just… I’m still trying to find that line.

(♪) They say if you wanna make god laugh, then all you gotta do is tell him your plans. I know that the timing's not right, didn’t know that I would meet you tonight. It’s not that I don't really like the attention, I feel like the only man in the room. Are you really sincere, is this just something that you do? (♪)

Oh, come on! Don’t tell me that you’re still trying to figure what this post is all about. I have been writing all kinds of crap in here. Obvious and vague. Loud and unclear. They all are various to some level. I mean, this is what I was implying about the whole capricious thing. Life isn’t that simple. But it sure looks like that. One day, I went through my whole day with usual and boring stuffs, and I finished it in a not much different way than I did the day before. But despite all that, there’s something that keeps life interesting and worth living—whether it’s a random song popping in through your ear, or it’s a fake Santa promises you fake presents, or it’s the true romance that fill your unloved soul with hope and smile. In the end, you gotta believe that life isn’t boring at all. It’s something I called… capricious.

The Shit Tale

Once upon another time, there was a really horrible man living in a place called Pee Nank. This man had the eyes of a frog, and he had an uncannily shitty face. Let’s not call him by a name. He’s not even worth it. This repulsive man always treated people dreadfully bad. One day, Mr. Goddie decided to give this man castigation for what he did.

And because Mr. Goddie was vacationing on The Black-Out City called Mett Dhane, He then flew to Pee Nank and kidnapped that man quietly. No trace, no clue, nothing. The next thing that man knew was that he was laying inside a baggage car with hands all tied up and mouth shut. He could listen to the engine sound spluttering around him. The car stopped suddenly. He had no clue who this Mr. Goddie was and what the hell was He doing with him.

Mr. Goddie threw him to an unknown river in a distant suburban called Them Bjung. His body was bouncing here and there until he reached the very bottom of the filthy river. Covered in dirt, he couldn’t breathe well due to the stinky shits at the bottom of the unflowed river. Drowned in helplessness and with no explanation of why this was happening, he was united with all the garbage and crap that lay there forever.

Two weeks later, a squad from the sanitation department arrived there because of the tips from the people who lived nearby, complaining about the irresistible smell coming from the big pile of garbage beneath the river. They moved all the shits (his body included) into a recycling company in order to reprocess it and then they turned all the dung into a better use like manures or fertilizers.

The compost which had been created was distributed all across the country, and so every molecule of our guy’s body was being used by thousands of thousands of farmers. His particles then grew as plants and vegetables, which were consumed by an ample of innocent human all over the country. His molecules lived among them but didn’t stay for too long. Eventually, they all pooped and so every little bit of his body was forced out as the form of one same thing, as shit.

The shits traveled in pipes and were gathered back together into a big dumping device controlled by the government. They were reunited once more through the water-channels and were shipped into the open ocean.

The shits dissolved in water and were eaten by zooplankters, which were eaten by small fish, and which were chomped by larger fish, and then masticated by sharks. The sharks swam back to Pee Nank, bringing his body back to his country. The sharks were killed and their fleshes were being served in so many restaurants in Pee Nank.

One day, an innocent girl named Charlene went to a restaurant and had a plate of shark meat, not knowing that the shit she was eating was the one person she had once known and despised.

And then she pooped him out again, being transferred through the water-channels as shit again, reunited again, and began his never-ending journey until the end of time, if it even seemed to.

This one soliloquy is dedicated to someone I know (you sure know who you are, for u were also helping me imagining this whole scenario :)). Just remember that when the time comes, you won’t need to worry about that shitty face keep showing up anymore, you won’t need to pretend that he doesn’t exist (because he won’t, no more), and you will even laugh when—four or five years from now—you are reading this post again.

-- [Second Music] --

This may seem not suitable for my blog, but eventhough all the things written here were in English, I still couldn't ignore the fact of where I live in reality. So this is what I call : Something Different.

Instead of giving me hard time to pick what western songs I should play in here, I just turned all my viewpoints upside down and decided to put these Indonesian songs. But these two melodies has been really memorable to me. So, enjoy.

Sheila On 7 - Sebuah Kisah Klasik
Indra Lesmana - Selamat Tinggal

Leave a comment and tell me what you think about the song. :)

PS : To stop the music from playing, just click the STOP sign (X) beside the REFRESH button. thx. :))

Rachel

Rachel was very happy that day. She was walking alone in a peaceful park with green grass dancing beneath her feet. No burden that hasn’t been lifted. She thought she has reached the ultimate level of happiness, but she was wrong. Because she was destined to be even happier than she already was. Rachel spotted a bird through the corner of her eyes. It was a beautiful blue shiny bird flying not too high up the ground. Instinctively, Rachel chased after it. She was eagerly following the path of the bird. And then, finally the bird perched on a woody branch. Rachel moved closer to it, slowly put out her hand to caress its feather. It didn’t move, as if it was waiting for Rachel to touch it.

Rachel held the bird gently on her palm. That felt good. But suddenly it flew straight up to the sky, but it didn’t leave her. Instead, Rachel was being up lifted as well. Rachel was flying. She was incredulously astonished. She looked down to the earth she had just abandoned seconds ago, and it was getting smaller and smaller. The bird must have done something to her. She then looked at the bird, who was flying beside her, kinda smiling at her. She swore she had listened it saying “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.”

But Rachel wasn’t scared at all. In fact, this was what she had wished for this whole time. She was flying and moving freely the way she liked it. She was up in the sky. She touched the clouds, it was wet. She was in peace, with soft wind swirling her tenderly. She was living her deepest dream, which everyone would have always had as well.

But I guess everything has to come to one point. Birds don’t live for ages, even for the special ones. The sky doesn’t always as clear as the one in your very wishes. Sometimes it’s raining, dark, or even stormy. And the anti-gravity thing will sure come to an end. Now Rachel cannot fly anymore. She doesn’t need a God to tell her why. She remains earthbound now. She is another normal human being now. She always lives nearby and she does all her usual stuffs now. She may be sad for leaving her ability, or even for realizing that she has to let go, but if there is one thing to hold her up, to keep her smiling and happy, it’ll be the memory of her flying high above the sky (or the thought that she will be able to fly again, one day).

If One of us was an Angel

Here's the day you hoped would never come. Don’t feed me violence, just run with me through rows of Speeding Cars. The paper cuts, the cheating lovers, the coffee’s never strong enough. You know I think it’s more than just bad luck.

I wished that she had said, “There, there, baby. It’s just text book stuff. It’s in the ABC of growing up. Now, now, darlin’, [oh] don’t lose your head 'cause none of us were angels and you know I love you, yeah.”

Suicide pills, no sleeping dogs lie never far enough away, watching you glistening in the cold sweat of guilt. I’ve watched me slowly winding down for years. I can’t keep on like this. Now is as bad of time as any.

But can’t I remember she says, “There, there, baby. It’s just text book stuff. It’s in the ABC of growing up. Now, now, darlin’, Oh don’t kill yourself 'cause none of us were angels but you know I love you, yeah.”

[Ohhhh… Ohh.. Ohh oooohhh Ohhh…Ooohh Ohhhh..] Ah.. Aaaaaaa…… Ahhhhhhh Aaaaaa.. [Ohhhh… Ohh.. Ohh oooohhh] Aaaaaaa. [Ohhhh… Ohh.. Ohh oooohhh] Haaaaaaa. [Ohhhh… Ohh.. Ohh oooohhh] Aaaaa….


[In spite of all…]

It’s okay by me…
It’s okay by me…
It’s okay by me…

It’s okay by me…
It’s okay by me… [ it was all right with me, it was all right with me ]
It’s okay by me…
Pretend that it was a long time ago.

There, there, baby. I’m telling you it’s just text book stuff. I was the ABC of breaking down. But now, now, my dear, please don’t kill yourself 'cause if one of us was angel, you wouldn’t know that I love you. [yeah]

A Dog's Life

There is a day in your life you called a very long day, due to a lot of things happened on that one day, but today is not that day. Today was a simple normal day with the combination of abnormal sequences of unfortunate and fortunate events, all in one day.

Earlier today, I was busy. But I was always busy these last few days—which was the reason I couldn’t post anything new on this blog on a daily basis. I was delivering something to someone in someplace with my dad today. He usually does that by his own, but today he needed transport and that’s where I came in. So I went with him to this house, and there was a little puppy welcoming us—an awfully ugly puppy with pockmarks all over its dirty white body, exuberant eyes and a jolly waving tail. He welcomed us with no barking sound at all even though we were strangers to him. My dad said that every time he had come to this place, the dog had always greeted him happily as well, but when he was about to leave, the dog would sure be barking fiercely at him.

I found it weird and very unlikely, but when the time has come for me and my dad to leave, the dog barked at us constantly without taking a break to even breathe. His face reflected anger of which I didn’t understand. Was the dog sad for we leaving him? Was he barking because he was furious with his life? I mean, he was living there all by himself. I thought that he had to be so lonely that he was so pleased to see a stranger visiting him. And when he saw that the stranger was leaving him, he remembered how it was to be lonely, and that it’s killing him. And so he’s furious.

In this life, sometimes you can see your life is being lived by another person, whether he’s your beloved soul mate, or he’s a character from the TV Show you always see, or he is a dog barking at you. You can try not to try to understand every little bit of your life, but deep inside you, you’ve always wanted an explanation. Who can give that better than a hideous dog meandering around in front of his own house telling you not to leave?

Three

Three Things I’m feeling right now
- Relieved
- Excited
- Impetuous

Three Things I’m happy to have passed
- Querulousness
- The heavy doubt
- The lonesomeness

Three Things I look forward to
- listen to my great songs and not thinking about teaching
- meeting my friends later
- be happy all day

Three Things I won’t do today
- wallow in self pity (even if the good things turn to worst)
- change my background music (not just yet)
- take a nap in the afternoon (feel like I’ve had too much of those already)

Three Things I feel like doing but I won’t (well, maybe a little :p)
- dancing around with melodious rhythm revolving inside me
- impersonating Nick Carter in Just Want You To Know video clip
- tell her I love her

Three Last Songs I listened to
- Backstreet Boys – Just want you to know
- My mix – The Perfect Dream (edited from Peter Pan’s Mimpi yang Sempurna)
- Ozone – Dragonsta Din Tei (Video clip version)

Three Last Movies I (re)watched
- Friends episode “The one that could have been”
- Friends episode “The one with MAC and C.H.E.E.S.E”
- My Super Ex-Girlfriend

Three Last Words that crossed my mind
- Violence
- D.O.A
- Zombie

Three awesome things I should have had
- A supercomputer
- My confidence
- Her
Three most played songs in my head
- Imogen Heap – Speeding Cars
- Rascal Flatts – What hurts the most
- Cold Play – The Scientist

Three persons I always want to say “In Your Face!” to.
- All my stupid arrogant so-not-friends from my past
- Zach Braff (but only because he said that phrase in the first place and I kinda imitated him)
- My all time archenemy ─ Loneliness

Three cool ways to end this post
- By presenting a link to a sudden-out-of-the-blue-shrieking-horrifying-ghost-appearing-on-your-monitor-when-u-least-expected-it stuff.
- By listing the three cool ways to end this post (hehe)
- By shutting me up. (I can try that now :))

Another Day

A n o t h e r D a y

Music Video:ANOTHER DAY (by Lene Marlin)

Music Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

Lie to me
say that you need me
that’s what I wanna hear
That is what
what makes me happy
hoping you’d be near
All this time
how could I know
within these walls
I can feel you
Another day goes by
you never know just wonder why
You made me feel good
made me smile
I see it now and I
can’t say it’s gone that would be a lie
Cannot control this
this thing called love

You must think how can this be
you don’t really know me
I cannot tell
this ain’t the time
you’ll never be mine
What can I say
something about my eyes
I just lost again
Another day goes by
I never know just wonder why
You made me feel good
made me smile
I See it now and I
Can’t say it’s gone that would be a lie
Cannot control this
This thing called love

Always have to move on
to leave it all behind
go along with time
Another day goes by
Never know just wonder why
You made me feel good
Made me smile
I See it now and I
Can’t say it’s gone that’d be a lie
Cannot control this
This thing called love
Oh…Oh…..

Just now, when I was wondering how to start my new post, this song popped out, and its first line caressed my ear. Softly yet deadly. “Lie to me.”

Another Day is performed by Lene Marlin, who I have adored for some time now. This beautifully sad song reminds me the most about my life back in Jakarta. Two years ago. 2004. Everything was like coming back to me. I could smell the air in my old house in the late afternoon, when I listened to this song through my walkman and just walking along the roof against the soft wind and the feeble glow of the sun. That was some time of peace and loneliness, and for the first time of my life tonight, I miss it. [Being lonely in that different way.]

(Lene Marlin)

“Lie to me”, she said. “Say that you need me, that’s what I wanna hear.”

I would have agreed and disagreed several times now. Is it so painful that you wish him to lie to you? Isn’t it going to be even more painful this way? To realize that he’s lying to you? Either way, he doesn’t need you. And she doesn’t need me, too. At this point, I don’t know if that’s what I wanna hear.

The rest of this song is so into me now. I before, was trying to spell the words out, about what I feel. Found it hard, as always. ( I don’t know why.) But this song has done that all just that. This song is describing what I was really feeling at the things I wouldn’t even dare to admit. Every line, each word.

So here you go, I will tell you now, everything.
Lie to me. Say that you need me, that’s what I wanna hear (or at least I thought I did)
That is what… what makes me happy, hoping you’d be near. (There’s not one second in my everyday I don’t think it this way.)
All this time how could I know? Within these walls, I can feel you. (I do now, and that’s really excruciating. I wish not to.)
Another day goes by.
You never know, just wonder why
You made me feel good, made me smile. (Have u ever wondered why?)
I see it now and I can’t say it’s gone that would be a lie
Cannot control this, this thing called love. (I don’t know if any man on earth can control this, if he was like me.)

You must think how can this be?
You don’t really know me.
I cannot tell. This ain’t the time. (I really don’t want this as the reason I cannot tell, because believe me when I say that I really wanted to. But it’s true. This is NOT the time. And I don’t know when the right time is. I guess everything has to go down in time.)
You’ll never be mine. (…)
What can I say, something about my eyes
I just lost again.

Always have to move on, to leave it all behind and go along with time. (Oh shit, this is really happening… No.. I don’t want to.)

(Lene Marlin)

Another day goes by
Never know just wonder why
You made me feel good
Made me smile
I See it now and I
Can’t say it’s gone that’d be a lie
Cannot control this
This thing called love

Falling

They say when you pray to God for something to happen, God is the one who laughs at you and then ignores you. I don’t believe in God, but I do agree with that. Today is a Tuesday. Just the second day of the week, but it has been felt like a long time ago I had my last Tuesday. I don’t care shit about the time-stretching, the relativity that’s barely discernible. Perhaps I have had so many thoughts going on in my mind. Every fiber of my brain can’t even take it anymore.

I was sick to my stomach. Felt like vomiting all the time. But there I was lying on the bed, staring at nothing, thinking of everything. Every emotion I was led, every beat of pain that was hurting me, I recognized it all. I’d feared it all, but it’s all coming back to me. Disheartened I was, grieving for the hope that had been abandoned so immediately. With just a snap of change, I had lost my hope and my faith.

I was quivering throughout the night, shivering as nothing had held my feet on the ground. And it was so atrocious to see I had nobody there to fully understand what I felt. What did I feel? Exactly?

Exactly?
I was lonely, I was disappointed, I was scared, I was saddened, I was blind, I was hopeless, I was even more desperate, I was afraid to admit it to myself, I was in no place I could breathe, I was hurt, I was tired of waiting, I was not seeing. And I solemnly understood all these feelings. That hurt the most.

Falling is like my life’s path. The sensation from the beginning and what it feels like in the end. The old quote : One moment of happiness, One century of loneliness. At first, you won’t even think twice to jump, and so you do. And it feels like the heaven has landed on your knee, quickly absorbed to your very soul, feeding you hope, serving you joy and love, promising you more. And the higher you jump, the greater the sensation. And they taught you not to look down. They always did. For some people, they always look down to earth. But some do not. I certainly do look down, but I was too stupid to get the point. I know what’s waiting for me below, and it can’t be good. But I chose not to care, for the heaven had promised me that I wouldn’t need to.

But no matter how high you were, you are falling. Down. And so you gotta hit the ground sometime. To my surprise, I don’t mind the falling down part, not until I see what’s below me. What’s below me was a hard rock ground. And if I thought that I’ll be hitting it, then I was completely wrong. There was a hard rock ground, fifty feet of shit, and then me.

It’s a beautiful world, isn’t it?


PS : Here I am, listening to my own song, writing this load of crap. Sometimes, things inside this blog are far away from veracity, and most times, they’re just bullshits. I’ve warned you about the dark and sealed side of me. Thank you for wasting your time for me. After all, that’s what we’ve been doing this whole time.

-- [First Music] --

Hi Guys, Here's some music you'll enjoy while reading my blog. The background music are :
- Cry by James Blunt
- What hurts the most by Rascal Flatts

They are great songs and I have to thank someone for them :)
Enjoy. Other great songs are coming next!

PS : To stop the music from playing, just click the STOP sign (X) beside the REFRESH button. thx. :))

One Good Day

It had always been like this, one moment of happiness and one century of loneliness. This has been my dance for the last 21 years of my life. As I always have said, the story of my life. Hope, that’s required. I really need that every now and then. I really needed that before, when my life was just a piece of paper floating on the endless ocean, when I had no vision of tomorrow, no big plan for life, no friends to laugh with, and nobody to be with. I didn’t even know how to soliloquize. So, yes, I really needed hope back then.

Now, it’s not much different. I need hope as well. My life has spun pretty good for me lately. I have a job, a mediocre house I called home, a friend or two, and someone to laugh with everyday. It’s funny how the passive word ‘haha’ really make u beam and chuckle your tears out. I love how it feels to be not alone even when I am. I love the feeling that I have the ability conquer loneliness, the one which have been my nemesis this whole time.

Today is Saturday. Was Saturday. It was no good, but not so bad either. I had to work all day, but I still found a way to entertain myself, to cheer me up. I found it hard at most times, coz of my lack of optimism, or simply coz of the obnoxious boredom roaring inside of me every second. But I knew that I always have faith. Faith in her. Faith in me to have always believed in her. Faith to push away the lonesomeness and seal the damn door. The result was, I had a not so good day. Today was fine. She was in my head all the time. Oh, don’t let me start about her.

In a few hours it will be a Sunday. And this Sunday will be the last free day I have in the next three weeks. So yeah, I need the hope very much. Hope of having something exciting to do later. Hope of having some nice plans. Something I can expect with gleeful and jovial mood along the way.

And so it begins again. The syndrome. The pattern. The old-saying. The curse. Or whatever it is. It doesn’t change as long as I’m living my life. One day of happiness, and three weeks of sufferings are in order.

What will happen in a few weeks to come? Sometimes I’m scared just to think about it. My works will be under my nose every second. My friends will be nowhere I can reach as they were. And everything will be different once more. Change is good, but only when it brings comfort and joy. Not when it promises another chapter of solitude and aloneness.

In the end, it’s not my choice and struggle to decide which day is the so-called One Good Day for me. I won’t know. I can only predict when, and have myself prepared for whatever lies ahead. All I know that it must be so beautiful and unforgettable. And I will be memorizing it as one of my great days I have, or if it’s possible, the one best day of my life.

The ABC of Growing Up

The ABC of Growing Up

Unscramble

[ For the very first time, I should have a clear sight of what, where, why, when and how.

I hav to first unscramble the pieces of me. Who am I? What should I do next? Where should I be? How am I going to live? Why should I live? And When, when will I be round and full?

Each piece has an extreme and significant role for me, it's the way I find myself.

The only question is how far will I succeed?

Will I, ever? ]

Try to unscramble these letters into a meaningful word.

g h i l e t n n i a x b s u e i

­­_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

i _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ e

i n _ _ _ i n g u _ _ h a b _ e

Hang Man

[ Sometimes in life, I face a test with a price to pay if I should fail.

Whether it's a psychological test or it's a test for my principal,

seeing if I'm an adamant person or an insecure one?

I have the slightest opportunities to win it.

Can I ? ]

Try to guess the word below. You have six guesses.

Hint : craze, obsession, fascination, passion.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


i _ _ _ _ _ _ _ i _ _


i _ _ a _ u a _ i o _

Incorrect entry (ies) : e

i n _ a t u a t i o n
Incorrect entry (ies) : e m s r p

Scrabble

[ Most times, I have plenty of choices. Like what Albus Dumbledore said,

"What a man choose is what he becomes."

But sometimes the choices are limited.

Barely enough to wake your brain up

But when that's all you've got to solve whatever problems you have,

You'll use it as your greatest strength.

Coz in time, being a good man is all about improvizations. ]

Try to make Eight 5-10 letters words with these letters given below :

Letters given :
[ v u t q a i n r s g l x n e ]

Possible Answers :

quaint taxes retax equals vexing lingers
veins angers latex triangles squirt
evils square alters single extra interns

Four Letters

[ In the end, there is always a King Battle

What would have you done the best

What would have I done the best

is simply trying to utilize those four things

that you always have.

You will be free and win

and it'll be no longer an incorporeal dream.

Love, Faith, Courage, and Hope. ]

Try to make Sixteen 4-15 letters words with these letters given below :

Letters given :
[ q n s i ]

Possible Answers :

Vanquishing
Quadriphonics
inconsequents
quenchings
soliloquizing
inquisitive
equivocalness
acquiescently
squinch
squashing
ventriloquistic
quintuplicates
vanquishable
quiescent
sequentially
inquiries
squandering
consequentially



PS :
Answer for Unscramble : inextinguishable
Answer for Hang Man : infatuation