Feeling Better

I know I've been relapsing and torturing myself in these last couple of days. I was this close to be depressed. But I'm grateful that the feeling didn't last too long. The day after I wrote my previous entry, I woke up in the morning feeling much better. I was singing! What a change... I couldn't even understand why I felt much better...

I figured perhaps it's because I had been letting out my miserable feelings via this blog the day before. Yeah... I think that had helped.

I think I needed time to get worse before I got better. It's like fever, you know, you have to get worse to get better. But it's over now. I'm quite happy now, and I'm about to meet Dabin. I've forgotten about my birthday and all. The day comes when the day comes. Whatever. It's just like any other day I guess, unlike these moments I'm currently living. It's not always, your long lost Canadian friend to be here in this town. Rather not to spend the days complaining. Better enjoy it! Isn't it?

Whoa! I sound like the optimistic Izzie... Hahaha...

Anyway, will post magnum entry in a few days. Lots and lots of pictures!!! :D

A Chat With God

Prologue

There is an old man whose clothes are worn. He has a broken smile beneath his friendly face. He is sitting in a chair near a man whose eyes are fixed at nothing in particular. The young man is 22 and 357/365 years old. He is staring at his monitor trying to make sense of everything he has done, or what he'll do in the future. His surroundings are quite crowded. It is a cyber cafe. There are at least ten people around him, one of whom is a pretty girl he doesn't know. The pretty girl is sitting next to him, making phone calls to what he thinks is her boyfriend. Four seats away from her, sat the Cafe's owner, talking fiercely to somebody. There are people swearing and yelling while playing video games. Nobody seems to notice an old man with a bright white coat standing on his left. The old man looks down at him. He, being the only person who can see the old man, looks back at him...

There is a moment of silence, a moment when he feels that even the old man won't understand his life. The look on the old man's face says that he is wrong. And so, the old man says.

***

God : Hey, Err... It's been a long time. You didn't return any of my calls.

Me : Hi, G. Oh, Morgan Freeman, it's you. I know. I'm sorry. I just felt like I didn't need you anymore. I've changed, you know?

God : Yeah, I know (sighed sadly). But I guess it's different now, isn't it? You need me? Am I here because you needed me?

Me : I don't know. I mean, I've been on my ways of not believing in you for years. I still don't see any reasons why I should.

God : What about the reason you called me here? C'mon! Tell me, why do you need me?

Me : It's just... I've been a mess lately. Or my life has.

God : Aaaa.. I know what you mean. I too just had a car accident lately.

Me : Wait! Wasn't it the earthy Morgan Freeman who was injured?

God : Yeah, it was. But I am connected to everyone. I am even feeling what you're feeling right now.

Me : Get out of here. You can't possibly have.

God : Oh, Ok. I'll prove it to you. Don't you feel extremely lonely right now, desperately looking for a new hope, new thing to do, besides dreaming all that you've dreamed? Aren't you tired yet, waiting for friends to return instead of finding new ones? Aren't you sick yet with your love life, where the last girl you asked out didn't even know what you meant? Aren't you depressed now, when all of your lifetime goals shattered into pieces, and you're putting a face of happiness, a fake happiness, telling everybody you've changed when the truth is, well... ? Aren't you tired with your family? Where everything stays the same and still... where you can't get what you want the most after all these years working hard... and you feel like the time has come too far but you still haven't done anything significant in your life? Claiming you have changed! YOU HAVEN'T changed a bit!!!! You're still the same guy who posted "NOBODY LOVES YOU" sign on your blog background! You are still the same guy who feels lonely all the time! "kick the loneliness's asses" MY ASS!!!!! Don't you feel like skipping your birthday? Like wanting it so badly that you don't have a birthday? Like the date isn't even existed. Like it'll be so much better if you don't have any birthdays anymore so that you won't have to THINK what you will do when the day comes... or WHO WILL BE THERE FOR YOU when the day comes, KNOWING that there will be none...?

God : And oh.. I also know about the thing you do this morning. That sin is very bad and low... pathetic, even for you... That thing you do, however good or pleasant it was for you... will bite you on your ass someday...

The man is still sitting in front of the monitor, and the Cafe is still there, though the pretty girl has left and there are only four people there including him and the owner. He is staring deeply at the old man in the white shiny coat.

The old man has just said the things he's thinking of at that precise moment. The old man knows everything, and he also knows the very dark secret of his own. He can't put denial on his eyes, not in front of this old man...

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Me : (Sigh) So you know everything. You know everything I'm going through right now. You win! So now what?

God : Let me help you.

Me : How? By asking me to go to church? Join those fanatics dancing and singing?

God : Well, though I can see how much you'll enjoy the "dancing and singing" part, NO. It's not that kind of help. I'm talking about changing your self, not changing your life. By changing yourself, your life will change.

Me : Oh, so now you're psych-ing me, huh? And don't you think I know that? I want that very much.

God : So why don't you try?

Me : Well, with what?

God : Let's see. The pretty girl from before! You didn't even dare to look at her in the eye, let alone to start a conversation.

Me : Wha? She's definitely had a boyfriend. And she's dead rich too. Didn't you see the PDA? The Air Asia thing?

God : SO?

Me : SO?! Medan's girls won't even date a poor guy. Who would? The girls are now looking for safety, rather than love. Their biggest priority is if the guy she's seeing can make her happy both materially and emotionally! A Girl like that is out of my league for only one reason and one only : She doesn't want in!

God : Well. That's my point! That kind of thinking is what you're dealing with. You haven't even fought and you're already lost!

Me : But it's true, isn't it? You can't deny that! The girls are all like that!

God : No. It's not true. Not all of them are like that. You will find one who isn't like that. I know you will.

Me : And that is a load of crap! There maybe are people like that. But IN THE PERFECT WORLD! This is not a perfect world. It's a reality, of which life you claimed you created! FIX IT!!

God : I certainly won't do that if you're yelling at me like that.

Me : (grunts)

God : Well, let's talk about your friends. What about Dabin? Erick? Jimmy? Buchan? Isn't their friendship means something to you? Friendship like that will at least give you something to hold on to, right?

Me : Please... they're in Jakarta right now, the four of them. They're there, and I'm here. They're there spending a bright Sunday playing bowling, the only thing I wish to play on my weekend. And I was here alone in this town of misery, WISHING to play it myself and ended up with nobody. Walking in the street aimlessly waiting for the sky to rain, which it did, ironically. And I and Smashie got wet all the way home, alone.

God : OK, so you're having a bad day. It's always fair. Look back to the days when Dabin was in town. I remember you had the best day, fun little reunion, is what you said. Things balanced themselves out. Dabin and Jimmy will be back to Medan later right?

Me : I know they'll be back. But that's not the main issue here. They'll back here, for how long? Days? Weeks? And then, as it always is, they'll go back to their current places, doing things they usually do, living lives as they usually live. And I will be like that as well. The only difference is that I can't stand my current life.

God : Once again. You need to change yourself.

Me : I've got nothing to say to that. Please change the subject.

God : OK. What about birthdays? I see you're about to have one too. And in fact, today is one of your friend's birthday.

Me : Don't even start to speak about that. I don't want to discuss it. You've made it clear enough before. I wish to skip my birthday.

God : I know. But aren't you happy for your friend today? Jacqueline, is it? She's really happy. She said that in her blog.

Me : Why are you asking the questions you've already known the answers?

God : TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

Me : Well, guess what! IT DOESN'T WORK!! And all it does is to remind me of my flaws and my insecurities. SO PLEASE STOP!! STOP TALKING ABOUT MY LIFE! STOP TALKING ABOUT MY LOVE LIFE! STOP TALKING ABOUT MY FRIENDS! MY BIRTHDAY! CAUSE EVEN IF YOU CAN FEEL WHAT I FEEL, EVEN IF YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I FEEL, YOU'RE STILL NOT REAL. YOU'RE STILL NOT MY FRIEND! AND GUESS WHAT?!?! I'M STILL FREAKING ALONE!

Me : SO DON'T YOU DARE TALKING ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY!


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God : ...

Me : ...


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God : Things are about to get better, I promise.

God : Things are about to get better...

The old man looks at him softly, and turns around without anymore words.

Me : I still don't believe in you.

***

Epilogue

The breeze of calm swirls through the door he closes behind him. He walks away slowly. The face is steady and innocent. It seems like nothing more peaceful can hide underneath it. He isn't smiling. He hasn't been smiling at all today. He stops for a moment. Taking a big gulp of air, he breathes slowly but surely, looking at the clear dark sky but focusing on nothing in particular.

And then, in a blink of the eye, he vanishes.

Relapse

Well, even the greatest of us makes mistakes.

I am feeling very lonely these recent few days. I don't know why. Friends are all around. I guess it's because I don't see them often enough. How can you feel lonely in a world full of people? How can you reach out? How can you make people see?

Oh... I really need to find me a new job!

I was feeling very lonely last night. I was going home as usual, alone, on a Saturday night. The streets were crowded with couples and those of them who'd found someone. Even the ugliest one of them had found someone. It's like a lonely heart with a blind eye, couldn't see what's there. Hopeless and aimless. Is there anyone who can help me without judging me? I'm dead tired for people to judge. Piss off!

I am feeling very lonely even when I'm sleeping. I keep having these dreams of companionships. There were a bunch of people I know from my past. I think I've dreamed every single one of them. The dream varies from schools, houses, dramas, adventure, misadventure, to sex.

I'm feeling rather guilty. Being happier than I used to be turns out to be more difficult than I thought. I still am lonely after all. I'm sorry for this sad post. It's nothing important or worth reading. But this complain and desperations exist only for this moment. This moment of relapse.

Oh! Somebody help me!

I don't think I can take it anymore.

Sinfully Delicious

"Look in to your heart and you'll find that
the sky is youuurs...
so please don't... please don't... please don't...
there's no need to complicate...
cause our time is short...
this o' this o' this is our fate!
I'm yours... oohh ohhh shah!
brappa mm tcutsu brappa mm babe..."

Today is a dark, wet, dismal day. The clock's hand has pointed nine, and still the sky is as grey as Meredith Grey. I'm traveling all over the town, soaking, and get caught in the traffic jam in the middle of an ankle deep of flood.

Ah.. it is those days nearing September, where the monsoon season roars and drowns all of us.

These days' mood isn't improving very well. Though through the saddening atmosphere around me (which tries very hard to bring down my mood), I could find a strange obsession to keep my mind out of it.

This is an obsession of a man that is not me. The normal me wouldn't have gone through with it. But I was not thinking through. It was a mistake, I knew it, even before I did it. But because it's exciting, because it's addicting, because it's arousing. I didn't want it to end.

It was sinfully delicious, as Victor Garber had said it in one episode of Will and Grace. Too bad I can't find the picture anywhere.

Anyway, just wanna drop by and leave this entry. I'll continue later. Gotta work again... :(

Wet day Wet day...

You People Are Predictable

♀ If you marry someone that's way too old for you, then you're all for the money.

○ If you screwed up every relationship you've ever had, then you're a wreck.

○ If you never have a relationship with anyone, then you're an even wreck than I thought.

♀ If you hate your mother, then she is what you'll become.

♀ If you're one of those chicks that says "You're so dead" or "We're like bestfriends" and use the words "so" and "like" in your every sentence, then you're really nobody but a bitch.

♂ I you are that guy who surfs and plays football and works out everyday because you have to stay shaped so that you can attract girls, then you should know it's not really "girls" who'll come to you. It's more like "horny bitches".

♂ If you're that guy who doesn't work out, doesn't play any sports, who stays bloated and permanently places yourself in front of the TV, then you're those dreamers who think you can score when you really can't.

♀ If you're born in rich family, own a beautiful face, and constantly post your own pictures in your own blogs, become a model and being worshiped by horny guys, then you're a Dawn Yang.

Dawn Yang.

♀ If you somehow can't or won't or unable to date a guy without a car, then you're a perfect stupid narrow-minded Medanese girl.


♂ If you think you're a wizard with a bolt-of-lightning-shaped scar on your forehead, guess what . . . . then you're NOT a Harry Potter as much as you're not a freaking Wizard. Wake up! Wizards don't exist, idiot!

Harry Potter.

♀ If you're just an average looking girl with tons of money, and then you go and get a heavy make-over to embellish your face after you experiment with hideous clothes, then you are either a XiaXue or a cheap barbie doll. Can't really tell the difference.

XiaXue and XiaXai.

♂ If you're blind and love to sight-seeing for the reasons only known best to you (perhaps to prove how idiotic you are), then you are a Gus Dur.

The One and Only, GusDur.

♂ If you're a young looking old man with a son almost look like your own age, then you're Brendan Fraser in Mummy Three.

Brendan Fraser in the Mummy 2.

♂ If you're half fox half Steve Carell, and you wander around wondering if you're supposed to be a government agent or a Messiah or a Hokage, then you're not Naruto, nor are you Steve Carell. You're just really confused.

Steve and Naruto. Nothing in common, actually.

○ If you're dead, then you're a corpse.

A Corpse, standing. Behind you! WAAA!

○ If you're still alive, will you, after reading this nonsense?

♂ If you think you're Barack Obama who's going to lead the free world, think again!

Barack Obama,out of his barrack.

○ If you always smile like Fernando Sucrè but wink like Rowan Atkinson, I'm going to kill myself.

Fernando Sucre and Rowan Atkinson, two of two kinds.

♂ If you are funny, since pretty much everybody you know have told you so, and you have a hairy leg, then you must be an unknown species of monkey-clown in a circus if not a Kenny Sia.

Kenny Sia and a monkey, the resemblances are uncanny. :D

No. Wait. Definitely the monkey.

○ If you believe most of this crap I've written, you must be Xenophilius Lovegood, except you're a muggle. And you're Bald. Really Really Fat. OK Do I need to continue? :D

Xenophilius Lovegood, or what he should look like.

☻Peace Out, Guys.