Insecurity

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

I guess this is the first time I have this feeling. What Bella Swan said in Twilight, "I'm only scared of losing you.", I finally know how it really means.

I have no doubt about how I feel. I'm just scared.

Is loving somebody too much wrong?

All I've ever done is to love her. But that is becoming a problem. How can something so beautiful be seen as something wrong?

I am so close to blaming her. I need more strength and patience, because my insecurity is about to eat me from the inside out. I must prevail. I must survive. Because I won't mess this up.

Not anymore.

The Understanding

Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.

Time has passed on. Another chapter of my life has started since November 11, 2009. I am a new man. And I am not alone anymore. But discovering your answer is not everything. This is not the end of the story. It's the end of one story. One long story of my life.

I love her with all my heart. She told me she does too. Two hearts beating as one is all it takes to be the happiest man in the world. But is she happy? Is she satisfied? What is she thinking?

All of the sudden, my life is not about me anymore. All I'm doing is to love her and to think what's best for her. But that's all I can do. What kind of things should I do? Confusion attacked me every single day.

There is a new episode everyday. Everything is moving so fast that I barely can't keep up. Sometimes, I'm the luckiest man in the world. The other time, my hand hurt because my heart hurts.

I am trying my best to understand her, but the effort it takes makes he confused even more. I am what I am. I don't know how to do this. But apparently, she doesn't either. So who the hell is driving this ship?

But why should things have to be complicated?

It's simple.

I love you. You love me. Isn't that enough? That should be enough.
You know what? I'm going to tell her this, now.

I don't like complicated.

I am a simple man, after all.

Special

You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

So here it is... the moment I've been waiting for since the first time I wrote the entry about Soulmate has come. I don't know if love has found me or if I have found love. But both of those are equally good for me.

The funny thing is perhaps we found each other. She is a person I would never have thought to end up with. She's only a normal girl who's looking for love, but been hurt so many times. I was there when she's hurt. But I was there in the aftermath. I think that's where we got closer.

There was a doubt inside of me, when it was time to choose between her and Sierra. But as I was drown in confusion, something came to my mind, telling me that if I choose Sierra instead of her, I would be living in constant doubt. Everything will not be as clear as I am now with Minnie. Yeah, Minnie. She's my special person now.

Have you ever heard about a saying that goes like this : You only need one minute to introduce yourself to someone, one hour to know that you can talk to them, one day to know whether you still need to talk to them, one week to like them, one month to get close to them, one year to love them, and one lifetime to forget them.

I think it's partially correct. It only takes one week to like someone, another week to realize it, and an extra day to decide. Once you do, you'll get the clarity for this relationship. You talk about many things. Past and Future. But it's the present which you are really excited about.

I met Minnie the other day. It was a secret meeting since we didn't want anybody else to know. It turned out to be the most special moment for us both. Not exactly like what I'd planned and wished for, but it's a start.

The both of us opened ourselves for each other. We accepted each other. This is something I'd never experienced in my entire life. It's new, it's exciting, I'm terribly scared now.

The best thing about it, is that I am now happy, and I am now lonely no more. Thanks to her, my life is much much much better despite all the things that bring us down. She completes me in a way I complete her. She's told me that she cares about me. And it's only a matter of time now...

The moment has come, eventually. Did it feel as great as I hoped?

Well...

I can not lie.

YES! :)

Why, An Untitled Monologue

Put me out of my misery. We’re not what we used to be.

La La La la...

“You’re still here.. Your feet stuck to the ground despite how silly it sounds.. you’re bigger than me...”

That is Bigger, a song of Backstreet Boys, from their new album, which will be their second single. Backstreet Boys has always been a figure of friend to me, and a loyal one. But I am looking for no friend, because as all hells know, I’m in the quest of finding my soulmate, a quest so arduous that it has messed up the definition of the word soulmate to me.

I’m inside my room, facing my notebook, wanting to write out everything inside of my mind. I have bottled up so many things in these two months I was absent. From the birthday post of mine, and the previous entry called Addiction, I have come a long way, but sadly, nowhere.

“Yes, I will. Take your hand and walk with you. Yes I will. Baby I promise you. Yes I will, give you everything you need and someday start a family with you. Oh Yes I will...”

Another Backstreet Boys song is being played right now. Promises and Promises. They never stop. Few of them got fulfilled, but most of them got abandoned and forgotten. I have to admit that I have broken several of my promises myself. I am no perfect man. But I tried my best to keep living by my promises. The world isn’t easy to live in, at least my world is.

Everyone wishes to see me do great things. I want to prove to them, to my family and my friends that I can be someone.. just someone.. but figuring who you are and what you’re supposed to do isn’t a thing you can finish in a day or a year. It’s a continuing progress with ups and downs. But lately, I am neither moving up nor down. I am levitating in a perfect silence, immovably still.

So my story, or at least, this part of the story began when I first knew about this girl who I thought to be my soul mate, the one whom at last I found. For one whole month I was the happiest man in the world. Everything seemed to be falling in to the right place. She was the one who would be single-handedly rescuing me from my lair of insecurities and loneliness.

I devoted everything to her, I tried my best to be the perfect guy for her. In a short time, she was the one person who knew me better than anybody else. I felt to be moving closer to her myself. We had a special connection like nothing I’d ever seen or felt before. I knew it was meant to be, that I was somehow made for her.

But like this blog, everything turned out to be just a one way street. She cut me off her life just easily as if we were never close. I couldn’t seem to comprehend as to why she did the things she did. And it took me one more month before I finally knew that I didn’t meet her expectations, whatever those were.

The pain of losing something you thought was your final answer was indescribable at best. She is everything but mine. But the way she severed our relationship, I would never forget. I didn’t “feel” like we had a connection. I knew for sure that the two of us shared a deep connection to each other, like we’re the two last persons in this world. But why and how come could she end everything just like that?

There was a time when suddenly she disappeared from the face of the earth. When I couldn’t reach to her. She deleted everything in her life, or at least she deleted me. She didn’t want me to know what’s happening to her, and I tried my hardest to understand her, only to fail completely. She was no better person than anybody, she was never a perfect girl, and that’s what I like about her, but the way she pushed me away from everything. How could I love somebody who’s mysteriously silent all of sudden?

I didn’t know how to deal with the situation. I began to swarm myself with my usual insecurities and pessimisms, only this time they were quadrupled and doubled, because this was my biggest bet. This was my biggest love yet, and I was losing...

When things went for worse, I tried to soothe myself, found things to distract myself.. but in the end I kept coming back to her. I even went on a date with a girl I didn’t like just because I needed someone to be with so badly. It all went wrong so awfully that everything in my life was spinning out of control. I lost myself, abandoned this blog, and I chased on two girls who had already got a boyfriend. I got stressed out, hated my job, and obsessed in playing games to distract myself.

In short, my life was a mess without her.

If I say I’m fine now, and that I have moved on and forgotten about her, that would be a total lie. I still wish if things hadn’t turned for the worst. I might still be happy, because we were looking about a big long future together, and to share everything. To love and care so solemnly. So sweetly.

It hurts just to write this, to imagine what would have been. The thing is, she was one in a million for me. It feels like I’ll never find anybody who can share things like we did. She was the one person who was like me, who had more things in common with me than any girl would ever do. But if things stay this way, I will never be happy again. I need to move on and forget about her. I need to find someone else.

Until this very second, I have nobody in my heart. I am now an unloved man not looking for love. Soulmate and its definition has been torn in to pieces. True Love, I have now wondered if it exists at all, or isn’t it all just a big game of money and lust?

People always say to me to be more cheerful and positive, that it’s not good for me to stay like this. But I have tried cheerful. I have tried positive. They didn’t work for me. I am Meredith Grey, scary and damaged. Dark and Twisty. I don’t like it. I’m not proud of it. I want to be everything but.

What do you want me to say?

“Hahaha”?

“I will find my love, just believe it”?

Okay...

I will find my love. Count on it!!!!

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Twenty Four

Dreams do come true sometime eh.

I sit and wait... does an angel contemplate my fate?

Hi, world. We meet again, and it's another long gap before my entry. I'm sorry. Lately, what I feel has been like a seesaw.. It's all happening so fast, and emotions flows like an insane river going on south. Things have not gone so well with my life lately. What I want and what was delivered, man... they differ a lot.

So yesterday was my birthday. Another year has passed. So quickly and yet so slowly. All I ever wished for is for my life to turn out Okay. I just want to be happy. Friends and Lovers.. all the drama in my life... why should we expect any different?

I never celebrate my birthday before.. never since I was just an eight or nine year old kid. My mom used to throw me a party and invite all our neighbours.. there would be cakes and coloured eggs. There would be noodles and prizes.. they would be the best days of my life.

But as I got older, the sense of celebrating got old. Every year, my birthdays were passed... my friends never threw me anything and I was fine with it, because I never threw anything for them also. Hahaha..

But yesterday I knew I needed something different, because I've had all my shares of ups and downs.. (mostly the downs), so I needed something better. I needed something to make me happy. So an idea came to my mind. It's simple, but it's something I never done before.

"Buy a cake, to myself!"

The Hell with others! I don't care what would happened next.

At August 18, I called Anni. She had just gotten back from Tuk Tuk with Hensen Cs. She agreed to meet me and buy the cake.

Later that night, I went to Comic Garden, like I did usually. There I met Tony, Adon, Acun, Sugi, and Erwin. They wished me a happy birthday although it wasn't the time yet. They joked about buying fifteen tofus to share with them all, but at last, I bought thirty of them and they all ate lots of tofus that night. LoL.. what an unusual way to treat friends.

That night I already felt somewhat happy, because friends were actively happy about my birthday and that never happened to me before. They posted greetings on my facebook walls.. and lots and lots of them too..

I didn't sleep that night, because I intended to be happy, at least I tried to make it a happy day, but after two o'clock, I couldn't help it anymore. I collapsed to a dreamless sleep. I woke up at nine yesterday. And I felt happy. Mostly because it's already my birthday, but also because I was free that day, didn't have to teach. So I went on to meet Anni at one p.m. She looked beautiful like she always do.

Anni is a person who's strong and doesn't care of what people think. She's one of my bestest friends and saying that she's great is an understatement. She does whatever she likes and she's been through a lot. Someone I admire, I believe, is my point.

She's a friend who can accept you for who you are, know and respect that we're all not a perfect person. There are only a few people I know that's like her. So it's an honor for me to be able to spend my birthday with her. So yesterday she's with me for the day.

We went to Thamrin Plaza, without any real plan what to do once we get there. We did all things spontaneously. I didn't plan what to do on my birthday. I just thought of three things : meet Anni, buy a cake, go to Comic Garden. That's all.

So, once we got to Thamrin Plaza, we talked about the possibility of us watching a movie... but there were no good movies playing there.. Just Doomsday : one which I have watched three days ago with Lily, but that's another story... , Red Line : one which I have no interest in watching, Quarantine : one old movie I expected would be very much like Doomsday , and Max Payne : one I don't care or like. Apparently, Anni also found the movies so boring.. LoL.. so we didn't watch anything that day. Instead, we went to D-Loft to have lunch together..

The last time we went to Thamrin, we also went there to drink and talk about a girl I like. She helped me getting prepared, and we shopped clothes together.. but it's only a few weeks and we went there again, talking about almost the same topic, but with different circumstances.. this time, it's my birthday, so today was about me, or so what Anni told me, and that girl I like, all of it went south and screwed... So here we go, Anni sticked with me through all of my ups and downs. It's how good a friend she is.

Out of nowhere, I proposed an idea to go and sing a song.. because at that time, there's this song "I'll be there" by Mariah Carey.. and so I asked Anni if she wanted to go to Karaoke with me, just the two of us. Normally girls wouldn't want to do that, but not Anni, (since she's not really a girl, haha).

It's the first time in my life to go to sing in K2 in the middle of the day. Usually I go there at night. And I'd never gone to Karaoke just with one person. But yesterday was a day of surprises, unexpected, and do-what-we-love-to-do kind of day.

We sang so many songs together... we had it all. Amongst the songs we sang, there were Michael Jackson's You are not alone, Heal the world, Backstreet Boys's Shape of my heart, All I have to give, Show me the meaning.. We also sang songs like I'll be there, Scientist, Love story, You belong with me, Endless love (hm.. what a romantic moment..), In love with you, and many many many mandarin songs I can't remember the titles.. Hahaha..

It's the best time and the happiest I feel in a long time.

At the moment, I suddenly realized that this was what I had hoped for in the year 2002. Being close to Anni and doing things together as friends. I was in the same room with her. This was what I dreamed for, for such a long time... and now it's happening to me when all other things fell over in my life... and it's happening on my birthday. Dreams do come true sometime eh, who knows?

I could feel the intimate feelings of love and caring about each other.. but here's the trick, Anni and I are just friends. We're such a good friend that most of my friends think that we're together.. She's my best friend from highschool. I can talk and share a lot of things with her.. and so can she. When she was in the hospital four years ago, I think that was the time we got closer with each other. I love her and care about her as friends, and she always this cool about it.

Most of the times, when we have nothing else to talk about, we always share stories about the persons we like and have feelings on. I told her about my disastrous date experience just three days ago, and about my failed plan to steal a girl's heart. She told me about her love life as well.. but I won't write it here.. it's just between us.

We planned to go to Clover to buy the cake after we finished singing, but it was raining all of sudden, and heavily too. So we just stood on the outside of K2, watching the rain as we talked about things in life. Hehe.. it's an unplanned event too.. because plans always break apart.. It's better if we just flow within them.. let it all happen.

It was already six in the afternoon, and I suddenly realized that I was hungry, so Anni told me that we should get something to eat. I told her there was a nice place to eat just nearby K2, so we went there to have our dinner while waiting for the rain to stop. Yeah.. it's what you do when you ride a bike to go everywhere. I don't have a fancy car. So what?

We went down to East and West restaurant. I have just ever been there once with Jacq years back.. and it's so nice to go there again. Anni told me she wanted to treat me. Haha.. I wouldn't let her, but she's so strong. LoL.

The rain had stopped after we dined. We rushed to buy the cake because it's getting late, and I was already late. My friends were waiting for me at Comic.

Comic Garden was like my second home. Hehe.. All of the people there last night celebrated my birthday, and all I can say is that I was touched. Anni helped me cut the cake. She's a cutter, I said. Hehe..

It's just a small birthday, something exactly I hope for (Thank you Anni, for making me feel very happy^^). In a way, last night was perfect. I am already twenty four today. It's the number you have in one day. Don't waste life. I'm turning a new leaf. If things don't happen the way I want, then I just have to accept it and try to move on, struggling for something better, because in time, good things are bound to happen. Dreams are always coming true. Late it may be, but it will happen.

It's just statistic.


Travis - Closer (Official Music Video) - More free videos are here