My Suicide

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Aug 31, 2007

After a long time of kidding about committing suicide, today I found myself really thinking about it. Seriously.

(I have so many many many thoughts about everything. Everything keeps coming back to me now. Funny, they say when you're about to die, you get to see flashes of your lives...)

Earlier, when I was on my bike, a sudden thought, which never crossed my mind before, crawled its way into my head. I thought, what if I purposefully run into a random car and smash myself to it in a high speed? I even felt like doing it. That's what surprised me. I just talked myself into an accident so that I could lead a different atmosphere for once. Man, I'm totally fucked.

In the end, I only passed the cars and went home safely. But the thought of hurting myself didn't vanish, on the contrary, it developed into more suicidal.

I've been thinking all day, what's the best way to commit suicide? I don't want it to hurt, and I want it quick.

A few ideas came to my mind. Burn myself, no that's too painful and slow. Shoot myself in the brain. No, where can I find a gun? Jump from the top of a building. No. I'll encounter fear before it and probably back off in the end. Drink a poison, a tin of pesticide or kerosene, but no. It'll also be painful and not guaranteed.

("cause you made promises that you couldn't keep, you're not hurting yourself, you're only hurting me...")

When I think to slit my wrist, I imagine a very painful death. I don't want that. I have enough pain in life as it is.

There is one way actually. It's not painful, it's quick, and I can die in the way I like it. It's called the "Suicide pills". It's a pill that will kill you after making you fall asleep before. So you'll feel nothing painful and you'll be like sleeping. I can die in the way that I want it to be, where and with whom. The only trouble is that I have no idea where to find it. I know it exists, but I think it's secretly made by American government. It's almost impossible for me to get one, and with my current situation, I don't think I'll manage.

So, back to square one.

("I know ugliness, now show me something pretty...")

Wait, why again I want to kill myself?

I really don't want to talk about it. Just writing this has made me having doubts. I do think about a lot of people. My family, my friends. Oh, my friends... is there really such a thing?

Recently, a few of my friends have talked to me regarding my current condition. I don't know what their real intentions were when they talked to me about all this. They complained and yelled... pitied and confused. They said things they knew according to their ways of thinking. They saw my problem through their perspective. I don't even think that they could see it. They had no idea really because I wasn't telling them.

("There are moments when I don't know if it's real, or if anybody feels the way I feel.")

I don't know if they actually tried to make me feel worse or feel better, but I didn't get the consolation. So I often cut off the conversations and left them hanging wherever they're hanging.

Some friends were actually trying to understand me. I didn't thank them and I felt that I didn't need to. Some were even blaming me for my own life. They even told me that it's all my fault and it was I who caused my own troubles and I, only I, the one who had been dramatizing every single things, making it a big deal.

Of course they thought that way, I didn't tell them anything and they didn't understand. They couldn't understand unless they're living my life. And I am not feeling like trying to make them understand me.

("Oh what you say? Mmm.. that you only meant well... well of course you did... mmm.. what you say? mmm.. that it's all for the best?")

"Why do you keep resisting to tell us?"

Because I don't feel that I trust you, since the truth is, you are not inside of my life right now. You don't give me hope nor happiness. I don't find peace when I'm with you. Not anymore.

You don't have to tell me that I need help, professional help. I know that. I don't want that. So don't bother care. After all, isn't that what you've been doing all this time?

("now now darling, oh don't kill yourself, cause none of us were angels...")

"So the best way is to kill yourself? Where's your common sense? Do you know how sinful that is?"

I still have my common sense. I know what I'm talking about and I'm sick of it. I do think of the people I love and care. But nothing is better living this way. I am tired, and you're tired of me too. You're sick of me, CONFESS IT! I don't care about sins and don't even bother to tell me about GOD and HELL.

"Yes, I'm tired of you"

I don't blame anybody for feeling that.


("I could die from being boring... As for loneliness, it greets me every morning...")


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Today, September 01, 2007

I am feeling a little better. My loneliness is still with me everywhere I go like before. The pain is still overriding me. But I am trying not to think about it so much. There are persons in my mind, if I don't think about them, I will feel less painful. And so for this whole day, I am a hollow man. I don't feel much today, coz whenever I do, all I can feel is pain. I don't know how that even possible. But as weird and absurd as it seems, I am less human today, emotionally speaking.

I found a new hope and I made a new promise to myself today. It's not something dramatic and it's got nothing to do with love, soul mates, loneliness, or my usual other self-pities. It's about what I do to get what I want.

I've decided that...





I want a notebook.




Oh, damn. I didn't expect it would sound this ridiculous. But I know that if I have something new and great in my life, I will somehow be happier than I am now.

And a thought of owning a laptop just entered my mind and amazed me. I have always wanted a laptop but I've never thought about buying seriously, partly because I knew I couldn't afford it. It was so expensive. But what about right now?

Today I went to see a promotional computer bazaar. I filled my eyes with beautiful laptops and I didn't need a long time to find which one I like.

It's the ACER TravelMate 6291.

It's not the greatest and the most expensive notebook I've ever seen. But I love it so damn much!

Intel^® CoreT2 Duo processor
Up to 4 GB of dual-channel DDR2 667 MHz memory
160 GB HDD, 1 GB RAM
wide-aspect 12.1" screen
Enhanced Acer Disk Anti-Shock Protection (DASP)
Acer Crystal Eye webcam 1.3MP
Enhanced Bluetooth^® 2.0+EDR
Wi-Fi^® Protected Access (WPA2) and Cisco Compatible Extensions (CCX)
Wake-on-LAN-ready
A 5-in-1 card reader
Type II PC Card slot, 3x USB 2.0 ports, IEEE 1394 port (4-pin), external display (VGA) port

Fuck!

It's not so expensive too. US$926.3 times Rp.9500,-
That's about Rp.8,800,000.-

Oh, How much I hate Indonesia.

Too bad I couldn't buy it today. If I did, then I'll be a starving homeless fella for a month. But I promise to do that in due time. Maybe not the exact notebook, but I'm sure I'll love it!

At least that could distract me from killing myself.

...



I wonder what would have happened if I did kill myself yesterday. I would have left all my friends, and I would have also killed my memories.

Talk about memories, I was really great to have one with Anni the other day. It's great to be able to see her without any usual obstacles or typical disturbances. I am glad. Anni is different. I can talk to her and won't have to.... you know...

I can say that I was pretty honest with her. I used to have feelings for her when I was in senior high. Now, I have no longer recognized that old mind of mine. She's been staying in a better world, and as far as I concerned, I am happy for her. But the funny thing is that she's not actually a close friend of mine. But I like being friends with her. Somehow.

She will be leaving from this town in two days and go to Singapore. I don't think we will meet again for some time. But remember the last time I met her? It was like almost a year ago, and I thought that I wouldn't see her in years' time. And three days ago I just met her. Who knows?

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I remember when I was reading some novels, the grim novels about depressions and suicides. The way Nina planned her suicide in "Subject Re:", or the way Lin Xia Fu acted against her loneliness. There are people in the world who are like me. I feel that my problems are so complicated, and yet there are probably millions of people out there feeling the same as I am.

Should I be grateful? Relieved?

All I know is, I am still alive, but my heart is ailing.

We never know what can change us. We never know what can happen. This can possibly be the beginning of something beautiful, or this can easily be the end.

And if I die, then this is really the end.

WYSIWYNG

If there's one thing I've learned out of being alone for a long time, is that you can't get your hopes up too high when you want something good to happen. Cause, in my world... what you see is never what you get.

see what I mean?

At the end of each...

... begins a new.

Dating in America and in Indonesia is totally different. When you see how Indonesian people do it from the western perspective, it's a really funny thing, if not awkward. I am an Indonesian, but to tell the truth, since I don't really fancy about this country I'm living, I always like the American way of things and that includes the dating style. Indonesian dating style is very uptight, unromantic, and so not classy. It always contains pretending and disregarding of other people feelings. I am no expert of dating whatsoever but at least I can tell when I'm having some awkward relationship that is unclear and vague. Boy, what a waste of energy, time and money.

Here are some things I notice about the difference between American and (lousy) Indonesian dating culture.

1. Before, before the date takes place, the guy and the girl make an appointment, a date, where to meet, and when. About transport, it's not really a big thing. The guy will be there on his own way, and so will the girl. If the girl is having trouble at some point, she can call the guy for transport. Or sometimes the guy offers her without her asking. That is considered "sweet" or "Sure, thanks!". Bottom line, transport is no big deal. Back to Indonesia, somehow there's an unwritten law that the "guy" must provide the transport, and it is a very big deal. The girls know it, the guys know it. They just don't talk about it, openly at least.

2. During the date, they both know to focus about the night. About the two of them. They get to know each other and talk respectively of their lives. The main idea is to have a great night, a great date. They both know that they don't know what's about to happen. Can this guy be the guy? Can this girl be the one? Will there be a second date or else? Back to Indonesia, everything is talked during the date, sometimes even roughly stuffs that don't suit the situation. The objective is NOT to have fun, but maybe to prove to the world that he or she is already having a boy/girlfriend, maybe to fulfill their own selfishness, or worse, sometimes it's just a mere exploitation. Fuck love, they say.

"Honey, I want to buy some clothes and shoes later OK. Why don't you accompany me?"
(buy it on your own time, dammit!)

"Honey, Do you know that A has dumped B and My mother has told C that D has been married to E?"
(I don't know and I don't care! This night is supposed to be about us... why is everyone in Indonesia so stupid to realize that?)

3. At the end of the date, this is what's supposed to happen : The guy goes to her place, and then he looks at her in the eye. The girl shall say, "I'm really having fun tonight, James."

"I am having a great time too, Halle."

"The dinner was .." and they nod at each other "great. Yeah it is."

And then the possible lines after that are...

"We should do this again."

or "I'll call you."

or "Yeah.. that would be great."

or "... James?"

or "Uh uh?"

or .... "Do you want to come in?"


Back to Indonesia. At the end of the date. There will be no acknowledgement about how it went that night. There's no bother about what you think and want to say deeply (because probably they are not human enough to feel it, or probably just that stupid to!), so there will be no lingering memories when it ends. How can some people say it's romantic? I really can't understand, coz whenever I went through this.. I would always think to myself ... despite all that had happened that night... the last word would be just...


"Bye."


It's such a slap in the face.


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Today's quote : "A tiny mirror, when you see into it, you'll see yourself as an old lady."
Today's one-line-bit : "I'm happy to encounter a girl that is different from the usual Indonesian girls. And she turns out to be my dear old friend. Ah, what life."

What I want(ed) for my birthday

Oh it was on Aug 19, by the way.

So why do we all celebrate the day we came to this world, if this world isn’t the greatest place to live? Wouldn’t one choose not to live in this painful life if he had the chance? Then why should we all bother to celebrate it? While I had no good enough answer to my own questions, I eventually said to myself that I should celebrate mine too, but only to have something different to do for once. And so I did.

on that day

Several days after my so-called birthday, I can say that I was having a very normal day which was forced to be a special day. I don’t know whether it worked or not, but it doesn’t really matter, does it? After all, for me that day was not even that important. It didn’t? Wait! Well, I have an unconscious battle within me that says it was important. The other side of me—the realistic one—said that it’s absolutely a stupid thing to do to even discuss about this.

My hopeful-side of me always believe that something special and wonderful will come along in my life. The realistic-side always begs to differ. It yells : “Wake up! You have no friends! Even on your birthday! Stop being like a teenage girl, for crying out loud!”

I gotta be honest, I can’t say I disagree with him completely.

But let’s just put aside all of that, the silly psychological battle… let’s just be hypothetical for a while. What if you’re born as a different kind of person who lives in a different kind of world and have different kinds of better friends? You are now a better man, so you do “believe in a birthday”.

What would you want on your birthday?

(I heard some voice replying at once : “Me? I want a girlfriend, I want a better job, I want a new computer, I want a new cool group of friends, I want Nokia N93i, and iPOD, DOPOD, TRIPOD, KEPOT, whatever…” but the voice was shushed away as I heard the other—better—version of me saying...)

I would want nothing at all.



*something wakes up inside of me*



“FUCKING LIES!!!”

(I can see the better-man-version of mine dissolves in to thin air, the face behind it becomes clearer and clearer. The messy face with a tired look upon it. My face.)

I want a companionship. Or like what Mary Jane Watson said in Spider-Man 2 : “It’s more than companionship.”

Yeah… I want some company… but one who can understand me and be there for me when I’m down. The one who needs me. The one with whom I share my special memories beneath an oak tree at the end of the road.

I want the one who likes what I like. The one who can sing what I sing… or even just pretend to sing. I want the one who is different from usual Medanese girls, who understands what it’s like lives in the other world. I want someone like that, so I can never be lonely no more.

Talking about “someone like that”, I saw this girl yesterday, a red shirted girl and who was just a perfect girl for me physically… She was always sitting at her cellphone shop, with her big sister I think. But she always looks lonely and sad, and whenever I saw her, I felt like I was looking at a female version of me. But hell, she’s beautiful and indescribably cute.

I went there yesterday to reload my cell phone. I’ve been there once before but it was a long time ago… I bet she didn’t even remember me anymore. But I was too shy to ask her name… with her big sister beside her.. I could do nothing.

Before I went away, I gave her a smile and she returned one for me. Feeling slightly amused and completely loathing myself, I left her and continued living my worthless life.

I often imagine me and her, how I introduce myself and ask her out… and of course she says yes. And I often did that when I was driving. I’m surprised I didn’t die out of car accidents.

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Today, I'm still alone. I do everything that's boring and I abandon my own promise to do things I like. I don't even make time to get a haircut. It's getting worse. My life, that is.

But something happened to me just last night. It cheered me up. I was in a sudden contact with my old friend... "it's all relative..." ring a bell??

Anni is in town. I am hoping to be able to see her again, but I shouldn't get my hopes up. I've been disappointed too many times already. I'm scared to relive it once again.

Friends are friends.
They are like our mind.

Friends make friends.
I hope you don't mind.

Sorry for the lousy post and the babblings. I have no time to write a good one. Actually, I have no aspiration.

But I'll know it'll come out again. It always does.

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Backstreet's Back! (So is my sanity)

UPDATE : Download Here (HQua), or Here, Lyrics here, and SONG UPLOADED on my playlist over there ---> (Great song)


That's what ringing on my mind everytime my most favourite group announced their new single or album. That's right, Backstreet Boys is Back!

After a long hiatus since 2005, the last album "Never Gone", after the resignment of Kevin Richardson which made them a four-person-band, after I've assumed that a new album will not be made again from BSB...

They made their way back with their first single of their six album, the single is called "Inconsolable", a piano driven power ballad similar to Never Gone's "Incomplete." The album itself is called "Unbreakable", after several pending rumours that it could be called "Motivation", End to the beginning", and "Picking up the pieces".

I have myself instantly downloaded the single "Inconsolable", because I'm such a big fan of them... I know that the song will be great. BSB's songs have always been my great taste of music.

I have been introduced to Backstreet Boys since when I was in my second year in Junior High. The first song was "As Long As You Love Me", and I fell in love with it out of the blue. It's so long ago... until now.

Kevin's departure shocked me last year, but I couldn't do anything about it. Kevin has always been my idol. He can sing a song with his low-deep voice or with melodious loud-flat voice like in "I want it that way". He didn't sing the main vocal much, he was better in back-vocals. But Backstreet Boys without Kevin seems so weird and awkward. I don't know how the music will sound like, but I think, whatever it is, I will like them.

The promotional poster of the new-teamed BSB is kinda funny. They seemed to want to let everybody know that Kevin has gone. But They showed their sadness by putting Kevin's pair of shoes... It's like they couldn't seem to let go...

I couldn't too, so all I can do is to make my own Kevin, and make him stand where he supposed to be standing.

Am I really that bad in editing or is Kevin transformed into a "silly-red-alien"?

Anyway, the album will be released at October 30th, 2007. I will be sure to check it out.

I wonder what other surprising things will knock me out today, if there are any? I know I wouldn't be able to stand it if it's someone like Frans Lius suddenly greeting me and then shaking my hand...

... or if someone as gorgeous as Anita Tanjaya suddenly come at me, look at me in my eyes ...

Yeah.. like that have the possibility to happen!

I have been more alone than I thought these days. Everything I do seems misty. I can use some surprises along the way.. and good one that is...

I'm very happy about this news... there has been only a few happy things happened to me. This may easily be my silver doe.

Backstreet Boys always know how to cheer me up.. Hahaha...

I Still



I still (Live Version)
They're singing in the rain.. awesome!




Incomplete - Live from UK




Siberia - Live (My favourite in Never Gone)
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A piece of someone's life

A man woke up today. He sat up on his bed, which was messy because of pile of pillows and blankets he kicked unconsciously in his sleep. His hair was long and very untidy. He was still half-sleeping. He took his cell phone and glanced at the clock. It was six thirty. He collapsed again and back to sleep. Forty minutes later, he forced himnself to wake up. And then he did, at last.

He walked around the kitchen like a hopeless man, and then stopped at the sink and washed his face. He was getting ready all silently, tracing and doing all the things he did the day before, the same thing every day. He might just do everything by reflexes.

After serving himself a bowl of instant noodle, he got dressed and glanced back at the time again, this time, through the clock hanging on the living room wall. The clock was 5 minutes late, so he knew that he'd been a few minutes late. He hurried up and went outside, starting his motorcycle.

The road was windy and cold, but not really cold enough to make one's body shivering. He was driving a little fast. On that suburban road filled with native Indonesian people driving their own motorcycles, he slipped in to one of them, and then, disguised in his red-black jacket, glided smoothly on the asphalt road. He scratched his left ear using his left hand, while his right hand was still driving the bike. A kid showed up all the sudden from his left. He threw his hand hazily back to the handle and stepped on the brake not to hardly. He almost fell off his bike and his heart was thumping insanely. But the moment had passed. The kid was not nudged or hurt.

He cursed and continued driving more carefully. When he reached his destination, he parked, and began seeing his work. "She" was eating her breakfast and so he waited for her upstairs. Two hours later, a skinny boy came in. He sat beside the girl. The boy was lazy and he loathed seeing him.

Two hours later, he went back home. But before, he bought his lunch, the same as yesterday. He ate while watching the pilot of Friends. He laughed for the first time that day. He continued to watch it even after his lunch was finished. And then he headed in to his bedroom. He turned on his computer and opened winamp. He played some of the Backstreet Boys's songs, and some other slow songs. He shut down the monitor and lay on his bed. He grabbed a novel which was next to his pillow. He looked at its cover for a second. Chun Sue, Beijing Doll. He read one chapter. The third chapter.

He found a line there :

"Why do we always ask a lot from our life? It's disgusted."

He stopped reading, thinking for a while, that he too was always asking for a lot in his life. A better life, better job, better family, better house, better friends, and a better destiny. But as he read the next line...

"But why shouldn't we?"

He stopped again. Why shouldn't he ask a lot from life? Why should he ask so little? He, after all, deserved it after all this hard work and loneliness, after all this boredom and sacrifices.

He put down his book. He grabbed his phone, trying to login to MIG, just to see if anyone was online, but he couldn't login. The connection was lost, and it stayed that way after several times trying. He gave up. He relaxed his body and went to sleep.

When he opened his eyes, it was already three thirty. He ought to be hurry if he didn't want to be late again. So he prepped himself quite quickly.

When he reached his work's home, the two of them were already waiting for him. They didn't complain about his lateness. He didn't say anything either.

The two hours passed really slowly. After saying goodbye to both of them, he headed back downstairs and left that house eagerly. He had about one hour break before dinner and then he had to go to his last class at eight at night. SO he went to never land to kill time.

He opened his blog. There was nothing new. No updates from his already-few friends. He thought for a second, and then tried to write something. After no idea came out, he thought of one thing.

Loneliness.

That was his all-the-time topic. So he wrote everything about his day that day. It was sure a very boring thing to do, but he had no other things to do. After all, it could not be worse than the condition he was in that time. So why bother pretending that his life was not a wreck.

He glanced one more time to the time showed on his cell phone. It's up. He had to go now, have his dinner before finishing his another-boring-day.

He stood up, and for a split second, he saw a reflection of Bambang Superwan on the monitor. That face looked tired and sad. It had been like that all day. And there was nothing in his mind to suggest that he wouldn't have the same day again the next day.

Fire

There is something in your life, you've known it for so long yet you don't understand its meaning completely... until one specific time in your life, that's when you finally understand what it means.

For me, it is a song. An old song by Backstreet Boys. It's called "I want it that way". Someteen years ago, when I first listened to this song, I was only captivated by the tone, the group and the gorgeousness of them, but I didn't catch what the song means.

Today, I finally understand it, completely.

It is a very sad song after all. Why I can suddenly understand it? It's only because I'm living it, every word of it.

You are my fire, The one desire, Believe when I say, I want it that way.

But we are two worlds apart, Can't reach to your heart, When you say, That I want it that way


Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say
I want it that way

Am I your fire, Your one desire, Yes I know it's too late, But I want it that way

Now I can see that we're falling apart
From the way that it used to be
No matter the distance
I want you to know
That deep down inside of me

You [still] are my fire
The one desire
You are
You are, you are, you are

Don't wanna hear you say
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
I never wanna hear you say
I want it that way

Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain't nothin but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say

I want it that way


I don't know if you understand it at all, if you're reading it. Perhaps you can, perhaps you cannot. Perhaps you will be able to when you're living it like me, or perhaps you can understand it if you're the one this song is sung to.

I sang this song yellingly today, hoping it could make me feel worse, so bad that I should never feel like this again. And today when I see [saw] your name, I will not call you.

And it is even not the point. When you see me, will you call me?

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I remember

I remember when I finally touched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in the palm of my hands. I was so Happy and so eager to come home. To read the book without any disturbances. But that day I had to teach, so I had to wait for 7 hours… the longest hours of my life.

I remember when I finally got my chance reading that book. It was the mixture of exciting, horrifying, nervous, blissful, and tearful. To finally read the greatest book of all time, for that, Thank You, JK Rowling.

I remember when I finally finished reading the book. I was suddenly hopeless and soulless. The greatest thing had lasted. The happiest time had passed. I was sad, didn’t know what I would do without the feeling of waiting Harry Potter’s next book. It’s like some part of me was fleeing from me. I was incomplete. Two days later, I fell sick.

I remember when my throat hurt like hell. It drove a fever to me. I was incapable of lifting myself, both physically and emotionally. I stayed at home and didn’t teach for three days.

I remember when JK Rowling told the world that there could be a new book regarding Harry Potter, a character encyclopedia. I remember when she told us the answers to the unsolved mysteries after the book. I was so relieved, finally a hope rose within me.

I remember two months ago, I was committing myself to accomplish a few to do list. There are some things I’ve accomplished, there are something I haven’t and won’t.

Number one.

I remember telling myself to be more cheerful. I failed. It seemed that I couldn’t defeat the loneliness and boredom inside me, and those surround me. It’s my dream, it’s my deepest desire to conquer both the loneliness and boredom once and for all, because if there’s anything worse than death, they are. I admit that I failed to be more cheerful. Why couldn’t I? It’s simple. I have no friend.

Number two.

I remember asking myself to dye my hair blue. I failed. Though I really like to do that, I couldn’t because it’s expensive, my hair can grow rapidly fast, I have no friend to accompany me, and I’m a teacher. I still wish to do it, later in time, if I have the chance and greater motivation.

Number three.

I remember wanting to watch Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix at the theatre on July 13th. I succeeded. I watched it twice. Looks like I overdid it. But that’s OK. I love the movie.

Number four.

I remember my promise to buy and read Deathly Hallows on 21th July. I sure did. I finished the book in three days (the slowest I could do… really enjoying it).

Number five.

I remember to meet my old friends : Mei, Riwan, Watta, Jacq, HQ. I failed. I only got to reach a couple of them. But at least I tried. Something you just couldn’t do.

Number six.

I remember buying Nip/Tuck season 4. So I did it.

Number seven.

I remember saying to myself to buy some new jackets and clothes. I dare say that I failed thoroughly. After my mom’s cataract surgery, I was sort of broke.

Number eight.

I remember committing myself to exercise more, so I went to gym. I did it. But as time went by, I became so busy that I found it very hard to find the time.

Number nine.

I remember telling myself to go to karaoke and sing some James Blunt’s song at July’s first weekend. I failed, unfortunately. I love singing, but like I’ve told you before… I have no friend to go there. There was a time this plan seemed to work out, but it was too expensive that my that-time-friends wouldn’t do it.

Number ten.

I remember asking myself to memorize the Heavy D song, Now that we’ve found love. I failed, only because that song was too damn fast. I couldn’t keep with it. And the lyrics I’ve found wasn’t complete. In several weeks, I got bored of the song.

Number eleven.

I remember my promise to change the blog layout, but I failed again. I plan to do it though… I have collected the data for it.

Number twelve.

I remember I told myself to meet more people and make new friends. I succeeded. I met some new interesting people from the gym, but they didn’t last for long, so I guess I failed again.

Number thirteen.

I remember my great promise to go to bank more often and save more money. It’s funny, when I have a big motivation on things like this, it turned out I couldn’t keep it. It’s only then my dad borrowed money from me for an emergency of his. I helped him because he’s my dad. That time, I promised not to withdraw more money from my account, and then I found out that my mom had to have a cataract surgery. This time, I drew more money. It’s an inevitable thing. I didn’t regret it and I won’t. But I have to say that I failed again. Today, I promise to heal my financial side. I will work hard.

Number fourteen.

I remember learning to play sodoku. I must say that I ---- the person who likes math and numbers, hated sodoku. I refused to play further because I find it boring. So, I failed. But I didn’t regret it.

Number fifteen.

I remember telling myself to go play bowling or learning how to swim. Just as I thought, I failed. It’s a very sad thing.

Number sixteen.

I remember that day, then I told myself to give up Cy, and be her good friend. I didn’t know the answer to that until today. I FAILED! But it was a complicated failure. I did try to give up my love to Cy, but I really and really couldn’t do it, because I kept thinking back about her. I couldn’t get over her. But then something happened today. I was very disappointed by her. I’ve tried to be a good friend and I have succeeded in doing so for two months, but now, after today, It looked like I have become a bad friend. I was really sorry to see myself unable to do anything to make her happy, but she kept resisting me. She couldn’t see the good in me and I could do anything more to change it. As for today, I am finally able to give up Cy. That I succeed, after all. I just am not being her good friend, anymore.

Number seventeen.

I remember to watch Shrek 3 and Fantastic Four and the Rise of Silver Surfer. I succeeded. I watched Shrek 3 with Riwan, and Fantastic Four with… with… oh.. I have an awful memory.

Number eighteen.

I remember (I don’t know what I was thinking) telling myself to complain less about Indonesia. I sure failed. The blackout torture is still tormenting me. I remember reading someone anonymous wrote in my comment box, stamped me as an “immature fella” for hating my own hometown. I just wished whoever he was to ever experience a life like mine. Then he shall see things in my perspective and know why and how I feel like that. But then again, I will never know that, even if he is living a life like mine. So why bother? I hated Indonesia and I still do. Why? Probably because I hate everything about myself.

Number nineteen.

I remember rereading Harry Potter and the Order of the phoenix before the movie came out. So I succeeded.

Number twenty.

I remember asking myself to do it all, my to-do-list. Let’s see. I succeeded six out of nineteen. I failed 13 of them. So I guess I failed this one. It’s not by choice, and you will for sure disagree. But, I just have to say. If I had the chance, I would have done all of them in one day.


I remember today, after all that has happened, after three weeks absent from this blog, I finally understand how my life always fails me.

I remember thinking and hoping, when I saw a couple on their motorcycles, hugging each other, or a couple holding hands while walking, or cheerful smiles carved on their lips, that I should deserve it as well. Why isn’t it happening to me? Why can’t I?

I remember myself, being very near you today. I was almost there, I was … scared. So I ran away. I am, after all, a pessimist. You don’t see me, so I couldn’t bear to see you. You don’t want me, so I don’t deserve you. Goodbye, Cy.

I remember it clearly when a song from a long time ago sneaked in to my head. Skies are dark it’s time for rain, final call you board the train, heading for tomorrow…

… say it isn’t so, tell me you’re not leaving, say you change your mind now, that I am only dreaming, this is not goodbye, this is starting over, if you wanna know, I don’t wanna let go…

… how can I be smiling like before, when baby you don’t love me anymore...
… how can I be smiling when you’re gone, when baby you don’t love me anymore…

… I’m still alive but hope just died …


I remember when ….

I remember you …

I remember that I failed…

I remember the present, as I am holding it now, the evidence of my foolishness, the proof of my fear, the outcome of my loneliness.
I can’t defeat you, after all… damn loneliness…

I remember everything—the pain, the sorrow—just when I don’t want to remember anymore…

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