Old and ... well, Young

[OK, For the record (or something), this entry is just what I do out of my usual hazy mazy loco mind... so to speak.]


What day is today?


What day is today?


What? Say again?


Well, today is supposed to be Old `n (well) Young, the special day, the last day of the year, the day when you make a closure to everything, the day when you prepare a resolution to the new year ahead, the day that is actually one normal day which you need to make special by doing some special unforgettable things so that this day will be unforgettable, uneraseable that one day in the far future you can recall this day, this time, to be one of your favourite days ever!



HOOOAAAHHH !!! That's one damn long sentence!




"What are you doing today?"

"Don't you have plans today?"

"Aren't you going out with your girlfriend to celebrate today, you know?"

"What the hell are you doing sitting at home, playing Grand Theft Auto, onlining in Neverland when everybody's out there watching fireworks being sputtered to the dark blue sky?"

"Aren't you gonna do something, for God's sake, it's Old `n N...."

.
.
.
.

That's what basically people say to me when they meet me today.







OK, I have an absolutely free day with no plan whatsoever!!!! BIG freaking DEAL!!!!






"Oh, come on... at least say it! You wanna spend tonight doing nothing, "wishing" that you had some better plans arranged before? It's old and ... uh...."



"You have to at least say it..."

"Ok, repeat after me..."

"It's..."

It's...

"Old"

Old

" ... and ... "

... and ...

"... New."

... New.

"Now say it all together..."

"It's Old and New."





It's Old and .... well, Young.

Story - of My Life -

Now, I was supposed to write a new entry about Backstreet Boys. Then I was unable to because my brother hasn't returned my CD. And then I was supposed to write a story of my life, recounted my past in one entry, about my junior high, about my highschool, about Meiwina, Susan, Anni and else, about my friendship with el_se7en's founder Erick, Buchan, Liting, Jimmy, Dabin and else.., about my one year in Jakarta, about my returning to Medan, about my detailed chapter of Anni's plane crash, about my funny relationship with Jacqueline, about my new blog, about my lonely life and my suicidal minds, about my obsession in TV Series, Friends, Harry Potter, Naruto, and else.. and about how they all are pointless.

I began to write those stories for an half hour but then I deleted them all. It was really pointless, to have a story no one bothers. I don't even bother....


But that's a lie, I do care. I think I just want other people to too. But now is not the time to get all self-torturing again. So, this entry is about a song, instead. About one song I incidentally found last night and I liked it in a heart beat.

This is what's in the song :

But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to

Funny huh? How a song foretold this entry...

Song lyrics | The Story lyrics

In the end, I just want to say Happy Christmas to my friends.

I miss my friends, and because I don't have anything better to do, I will just say this to some people I miss, whether they'll know and read about this or not...

I miss my friends, and I want to say Happy Christmas to you.

Happy Christmas, Erick! You have been my first closest friend, and you're good at it :) Congratulations about your new ... whom I just found out yesterday. Why didn't you tell me earlier? Really miss you. Hope to see you again.

Happy Christmas, Jacq! I haven't seen or heard from you for weeks. Are you OK? Are you reading this? Contact me, OK. I miss you.

Happy Christmas, Buchan! I hope you can get back here some time, you and all of our old gangs. I really miss you all.

Happy Christmas, Novi! Thank you for accompanying me through these days. I feel really auspicious to have known you.

Happy Christmas, Meiwina! I know we had our moments and history, but I wish we have more. I want to too. I hope we meet again real soon.

Happy Christmas, Jimmy! It's been a long time since we last met. Remember the Thursday when both of us were caught by two cops? two damn cops in one day. How unfortunate! Haha.. I wish I can see you now, you are one of my friends I can share so much to, you know what I mean?

Happy Christmas, Liting! Wherever you are right now (and whispers say you are in Jakarta working), I hope you for all the best. Hope we meet again some time.

Happy Christmas, Dabin! Man! You're so far away that I want to punk your head. Come back once, would you? We all miss you here. I still can remember all those times we cracked each other's laughs in your place, or in Dufan, when Jimmy slammed himself to a mirror... LOlz.

Happy Christmas, Anni! You have been a part in my life and I hope the best for you in times to come. Never give up, I know you won't. I wonder if you'll be back for Chinese New Year.

Happy Christmas, Windy and Lin aka Erich the SonikBotak! How are you guys? I really miss you and all our times back then. If I can turn back time, I will definitely revisit those times. I hope we can see each other again, one day.

Happy Christmas, Harianto! You are always busy huh? Don't forget to call me when you're in town.

Happy Christmas, Lomar, Vanny, Cherry, Ivana, and Alex... wherever you guys are tonight. It's been an honour to dance with you, one of the best memories of my life!

Happy Christmas, Riki Lidian! Man! It's always a great day when you're back in Medan. You're one of the smartest guy I know. I know bright future lies ahead of you.

Happy Christmas, Iswandi! Hah! What are you doing now? You are my only unique friends who can ( and doesn't afraid to) sing, dance as Robbie Williams, dance latino-ishly with fake Shakira, write poetries, become a Gusdur, and so much more. Miss you, man!

Happy Christmas, Nico! My funky Math Friend. Wherever you are, take care man! Contact me when you're back.

Happy Christmas, Shari! You are my far far away get-away friend. It's been a while since we last chatted. One day, I will make it to Minnesota. Hehe...

and at last, but not least...

Happy Christmas, my blog! You have been with me for more than a year. That's cool! I promise to stay with you for at least coupleteen years to come.

Through The Glass

People say we're watching our lives through a glass
I know you're out there holding on, holding out for me
Maybe you'll take me by surprise
Will you be the one I had in mind

I've been visiting illusionary websites for several hours today and I think it's time to stop for a second and recount my "reality" last night to you. All I did today are now posted below altogether with my story last night.

So I went to Sun Plaza last night to have a dinner with Novi. It's been more than two months after my last visit to Sun Plaza. I remember the last time I was there, I watched "The Brave One". Feels like a long time ago.

My evening was enjoyable. I can't remember when the last time I was feeling as relaxed as last night. It's like I had nothing pressing against my shoulder, my mind was more lighter than ever. I felt happy. Thanks should go to Novi.

Whenever I browsed to other people's blogs, whether they're famous or not, they always captured a picture of their food. I don't know if there's some kind of "tradition" among bloggers to photograph their meals before they digest it, probably they want to remember what goes in their stomach, make them memorable... or they just want other people to see what it is they eat.

I rarely take pictures of my meals, delicious or not. But last night, I did. As to why, I don't know... maybe I just like to try something. He He.

These curry-friedrice and classical-friedrice were not tasty, and now I'm wondering why I took these pictures in the first place.

And like I said before, I had my hair cut last night. I have always been a not-know-it-all when it comes to hair style. It's so-not my favourite subject and it is so-not my area of expertise. I have no clue how to properly answer a barber or a hair-cutter (whatever it is they're calling it today) what style do I want. So last night, I spotted a guy with a cool hair style and I said that I wanted to have a cut like his.

He understood, the one who cut my hair. I watched the whole progress of my hair-transform. There was a moment when my hair looked very much like Sylar's here below and I thought that it was kind of cool. If only I could stop him right there and said : "Hey. I'm already a Sylar. Stop! Stop cutting me."

But I didn't. And so he kept cutting and left me with a new different style of hair. I liked it at a first sight, but the more I looked at my image on the mirror, the more disgusted I became. I just never had a hair style like it before, so "punk-y". I dare not take a clearer picture after. But I had promised to take one when I wrote my previous entry, so I had Novi captured one or two for me. She didn't get my hair completely so you can't really see the "upper" part of my new haircut.

That's the before-and-after pictures of me. The first one was taken by my sister when I attended my cousin's wedding party at Grand Kowloon about a month ago. The second one was yesterday's. See.. the unsuccessful Sylar hair which you can't see clearly and wholly. :P

So that's it about my semi-disastrous hair.

Now about my accident. Yep, I had another motorbike accident last night when I got back from Sun plaza. A motoric pedicab went stupid and careless when I was moving constantly next to it. That stupid pedicab turned left suddenly, not knowing I was beside him. In a split second, despite my ear-breaking klaxon, it hit me and I fell, so did my smashie.

At first I thought my tire was bended somehow because when I lifted her she couldn't roll. But it turned out my brake pedal was the bended one, strangely angled and pushed so the tire stuck.

I managed to let it go and got smashie all "operative" again, except I couldn't use the bended pedal no more on my way home. The pedicab driver did nothing as I scolded him and blamed him for turning suddenly without looking. Eventually, he went away leaving me all pissed and sweaty. I had a bleeding toe and a bruised elbow. Nothing serious though.

That was the second accident I had in two months. One accident per month. Either I was uncannily unfortunate or I had a super careless driving skill.

When I arrived home and treated my injuries, I wished I had Claire's ability. But if I can choose one, I would surely ask for Hiro's time manipulation.

Speaking of Heroes, I can't wait for its third installment. Whatever happens to Nathan? But to ease the longings, I download some of the graphic novels of the series. Quite interesting if you like heroes. The comics comes with few additional bonus pictures, behind the scenes or sorts. I collected them all and I thought it would be cool to post some on this blog. Hehe.. Check them out.

Peter and Nathan right after the bomb exploded

Matt and his "cello". :D

Adrian Pasdar's scary face.

The all-cute girls-adored Peter Petrelli, and Caitlin. Just Caitlin. :P

The cast at Emmy Awards.

And why, even Mr. Muggles!

So I guess it's time to close this long-enough entry. I should come back later with my Backstreet Boys special edition entry! Hahaha.. Nothing too special lar... but the BSB post has been on my mind for several days and I couldn't write it because of my brother... hm... more details later.. hehehe.. this is the preview :

Helpless when she smiles...

I can think of some girls who make me feel "helpless" when she smiles... hahaha.. but I ain't gonna tell you. Not right now at least. :P

Last but not least, I created a new gif today, one that I like, and it's the main idea of my entry here... cause I'm looking through my life as I'm looking through a glass right now. Everything blends in, Everyone blurred in and out. Friends and relationships. Everytime I close my eyes, I see one of my friends flashing in my mind...

I think what I'm trying to say is I miss my friends... wherever they are...

and for my soul mate... I know, everytime I listen to the song "Unmistakable", that you are out there somewhere... waiting for me... but I am wondering so many things...

People say we're watching our lives through a glass
I know you're out there holding on, holding out for me
How are we to know the time is right
What if you're here and I'm just blind



Please look in the camera, my friend! :)

The Diary Syndrome

At some point, this blog must have some journal-like entries rather than some cryptic aimless babblings. So for that matter, this entry will be written in that format --- a diary.

Last night is one of those nights when I did something unpredictable. It was not a boring night, but it wasn't a great night either. I resigned from my night job.

I guess teaching has been reaching the point of dull to me. I didn't blame myself for feeling this way, since I've had very few days marked as "memorable". The other days, let's say they're just "ordinary". No surprises. Work after work, classes after classes. And in the end, the all people I saw are my students (and their mothers).

I can't take it. I became a boring person. Not enjoying my life. A repetitive kind of man. Unless I quit some of my teaching class and start to think of new things to do.

When I was about to tell my students and their mother about my resignation, I was feeling nervous. It's probably because I had never done anything like this before (except that one time I quited from a 2 months stupid class, but this was different). Or maybe it's because I was relinquishing my responsibilities. But come to think of it, It's not like I abandoned them in the middle of the semester exams, I did this after the big exam and as the matter of fact, yesterday was my final day teaching for that semester. I just made it the final day, period.

When I got home, their mother was calling my cell phone, unwillingly persuading me to come back. She asked for detailed explanations for my abrupt resignation and tried to come out a solution for me. She even offered me a raise (though not significant enough, IMO), a shorter class, and she even said that I was the best teacher they'd ever had (not being arrogant) and that she trusted me enough to take care of her children.

I, on the other hand, thought differently. As far as I concerned, teaching there was not the greatest thing, the students were more childish than ever. I could remember countless moments when I thought I was a bit stress facing their naughtiness. But that was work, huh?

So I, feeling slightly guilty, kept saying no to her. I knew that I would never come back to them again, persistently.

And so with the two hours off my back, I felt relieved, to tell the truth. I will have to teach until 8, but only 8, compared to before, I was to teach until 10 at night. Perhaps this way I can live my life more happily.

***

I have commenced my vacation, the one I've been waiting for since the last four weeks. I am so happy today, to wake up thinking I have a more promising future. It turns out my job was the one that hold me from living my life. As of today, I really wish I can get a new and better job. But before that time comes, I shall teach.

Today's plan is not quite bad. I get to see my old friend, Novi, for dinner. I plan to have my hair cut and ... what is there to say? I just live my life differently from now on.

If you are some of my close friends (which is not a long list, believe me), then you should know that I have been such a complainer, complain about this and that.. and most of the time... it's about how pathetic my life has been.

I cannot not admit that I was that man, and probably still am. But things can change, slowly though. Time after time, some things are just unpredictable.

About my hair... It has been very messy and ugly. It's so long that I dare not take a photo of myself these past few days. But I promise to take one after I cut my hair later today.

It's twenty past five already. I think I should get going. More to come, and more cheerful ones too, I promise.


.

I am so itching to...

- sleep all day long

- watch Prison Break Season 3

- get my fu**ing vacation

- watch "I am Legend"

- watch "Star Dust"

- have a moment of peace and happiness

- BUY BACKSTREET BOYS's NEWEST ALBUM UNBREAKABLE WHY ON FREAKING EARTH HAVEN'T I LAID MY HANDS ON ONE OF THE COPIES OF THE MOST INSPIRING ARTIST IN MY LIFE AND WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING RIGHT NOW??? GO GO GO..... BUY THE DAMN CD ALREADY!!!!!!

Hahaha...


It was my outburst, I'm sorry. But really, I don't know why I kept procrastinating... I need to listen to the album, NOW!!!


OK. I had it! I'm going to buy it RIGHT NOW.



Ok.


Ok..


See ya BACK STREET BOYS!



I'm BACK!




HOHOHOHO....

Naked

This is what I am thinking right now...

"Naked smile, Fake smile. Naked Life, Fake Life."

And then that thought got me think of another thought...

"Why is everything in life is always complicated? It's so full of pretending, untruthful honesty, fake smiles, and friendship in disguise."

And that got me in to thinking...

"How can we find happiness in this dirty-world, with lies and bogus in every turn? How can't one be confused?"

It led me to this...

"How am I supposed to overcome the lies and fraudulences? Do I pretend too, like other people? So that I can be the same as their kind?"

"Or Should I just give up? And then be cut off from life? From social life? From Friends and Romance? With Loneliness in every nanosecond of my life?"

I stood up... thinking...

"No! I can't be cut off. I am lonely enough as it is..."

"So I must find a way to bear this concocted life. I should be more blunt in life. Bare. I should be naked."

"Why can't people do things truly, from their hearts? Why can't you be more open-minded? Why can't I be more naked about everything?"

"Is being naked equivalent to being transparent? Invisible?"

Look at these pictures. They are having a very much naked life (both metaphorically and literally) and yet they are just happy about it.

His name is "Khiau Lo", visits my house every now and then foraging, asking for foods in "meow" language. He's named Khiau Lo because of his tempered skins and scars everywhere on his belly, and he always comes with "Yellow".


His name is "Yellow", as his skin shows. He's fat, and yet likes to eat very much. He has a brother (whom he fights often) named Khiau Lo. He only speaks in "meow" language. I can understand a bit. He was eating chicken in the pic above. I gave him.

Credit of this image : http://www.discountcs.com/adam/becca/6months.html


Look how naked people also "speak". We don't have to burden ourselves with lies and disguise. If you love it, love it. If you hate it, hate it. If you love me, say so. If you hate me, so be it.
Click to enlarge.

Why can't we?


I was doing something I knew it was wrong and morally gray. But it felt really good and so I kept doing that... despite everyone's may-ignorance/disagreements. I show a few certain people how sometimes things are clearer and better when they're naked.

I won't have to present anymore fake smiles, when I can present a naked one.

It got me thinking of a song by Simple Plan.

" Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding "

The more I think of that song, the more I aware the resemblances between my life and ... well... his.

I just want to sing this song below some time... and mean it.

" So she said what's the problem baby
What's the problem I don't know
Well maybe I'm in love (love)
Think about it every time
I think about it
Can't stop thinking 'bout it


Well baby I surrender
To the strawberry ice cream
Never ever end of all this love
Well I didn't mean to do it
But there's no escaping your love "

But I guess the time has not come...


... yet.



So much for the cosmic law of my "naked thoughts".
.

Tough Week

I found a list on the street, after reading it, I knew I would have to post this. What was that list about? Here it is.

Things YOU did this week.

1. Bought Ghost Whisperer Season One, funnily not for yourself but eventually was.
2. Experienced sore muscle on your left upper arm.
3. Published your complete story (Hidup/Mati) and be proud about it.
4. Received warm-happy comments about your story and be happy about it.
5. Almost had a motorcycle accident at night.
6. Had the real accident the morning after, ran over a kid, lost a lot of money cause of it.
7. The injuries from your last accident were swollen.
8. Get depressed for having a grim life and future.
9. Met an old friend in an unexpected time, didn't feel too good about that.
10. Taught some wrong stuffs to some of the students. Bad stuffs. And be happy about it.
11. Still hadn't got a haircut.
12. Got wet from all the rain.
13. Had a severe constant stomach ache.
14. Found out that HEROES season 2 had been cut off to eleven episodes just because of the writers' strike.
15. Found a list.
16. Post it on your blog.

All of those above really did happened.
Every single one of it.

Now you can see I'm having a tough week.
Now you see why I haven't posted anything.
Now you see how "perfect" my life is.

Don't just read, write something!

Lone, Job, Story, Photos, and Life

Hello, I'm sorry for not be able to update anything the last few days. Besides my extremely busy week and work, I've found myself somewhat clueless and purposeless this week. I woke up each day knowing nothing to do and knowing I must do everything I don't want to do. In short, I have no goal whatsoever for my future and I don't know what the reason of me living.

I tried to blog, I wanted to blog, actually, since there were a lot of ideas in my mind I wanted to share the minute I thought of them, but the circumstances made me not be able to do that.

I don't need to say further about this no more. I feel there is absolutely no benefit it is for me if I do share. The world may know but they won't do anything. And all it does, is to make them think how pessimistic or pathetic I am.

Maybe I am pathetic. But I don't know anymore.

I want to say a few things. Things are going on in my life right now.

I am looking for a new job, one that can free me from my solitary.
I am writing a two part story in Indonesian, and I have finished the first part yesterday. that's why I didn't go online yesterday.

If you want to read the story, you can click here. It's the first part, but I really love the story.

The story is about love, life and death. The title alone is "HIDUP / MATI". And in English, it means "Life / Death" or "Live / Die".

I posted few new pictures in Friendster, but you can take a look at them here below.

They are pictures symbolizing loneliness I feel. Somehow it's peaceful, but the truth is that it's depressing. They were taken in a place I visit almost everyday, it's a tranquil place for me, suited for the aloneness I felt. I guess lonely people goes to lonely places, huh?

I have no much time. I have to go back to the life I hate. Save me?

Bye :(

An Arduous Life

Hey, it has only been a week but, man, I really missed writing in this blog. The last week was inauspiciously exhausting. I slaved and slaved day and night on the things I didn't like. I began to dislike what I did for living, by each day.

I think I may have failed myself, thousands of failures and errors in my way of living...

I've been thinking of a way open this entry, since I have so many things I wanna say, not to you, but to this blog... for the sake of "keep blogging". But then I had an idea.

But before I go in to the grandiloquent entry, I should revisit my mind to see if there's anything I want to share with you during my week of absence.

And apparently, there is... there are... actually... some more things.

1. For the past three weeks, I continued watching Naruto despite my lack of free time. I have completed my Grey's Anatomy "quest" up until the end of the third season. I've conquered God of War I and II, proudly speaking, but am currently stuck in Spartan (Hard) Mode. I weighed 70 kgs and have been that way for six months.

2. I am still teaching and starting to really hate it. I want to find a new job in the fields I like, and the fields I like are multimedia (video and audio), dancing and choreography, mathematics, english and blogging. I don't know where to turn.

3. I still am an atheist and I don't believe in God. I still loathe Indonesia though there hasn't been any blackouts yet after the last time I recounted my PLN tale.

4. I'm getting more and more pissed off with some of my old friends. I hate NV, I hate Cy, I hate Avie, I hate her, I hate them. I hate women! I also hate my highschool sweethearts, I hate my highschool friends, I hate el_se7en, I hate the fact that I hate everything I shouldn't hate.

5. Lately, I have a weird imagination of me having a special ability. And with that coming, I also plan to write a new short story or a new long story. I haven't decided about it yet.

6. There were several nights when I felt that I was about to lose my mind. I was going all loco. I think it's because the loneliness was multiplied by work-exhaustions and everyday-boredoms. I often wished to have lead a different life.

If I were my old friend Erick Yang.

I would have doing the exact things he had done with his life. I would have had an 1767 FR Atoz, the very vehicle that include so many memories with my highschool friends. There would have also been an el seven, there would have been a never winter, there would have been a "Living the dream" moments six to four years ago.

I think I would have been more happy.



If I were Frans Lius.

I would have had a more minute ego with a person named Bambang Superwan, or if it had been an absurd thing, I would have tried. But as time goes on, I would have been happy too.




If I were Susan.

I wouldn't have acted, but If I had remember that I was once Bambang Superwan, I wouldn't have to acted at all. (know what I mean?)




If I were Avie.

I wouldn't have understand why I chose those two guys. I would have at least understood why I couldn't see the person who gave me a four-song-CD in the early morning of valentine.




If I were Cy.

I would have tried harder.





If I were myself six years ago,

I would have come to the front, I would have faced all of them, I would have had a heyday.





If you were me right now or if you were the ones of the above,

then you should have understood (some parts of) them somehow.




7. I watched Heroes season 2. But the first six episodes only.

I didn't expect the series to have gone that way, but in some way, the second season has been better than the first one.

There have been some imaginations I have in mind regarding the Heroes TV Series. They have been so famous that I feel like I'm the zillionth person in the world to have post an entry about them. But what if our Hero of Mind Reader .....

has a power of entertaining people with drums instead?

Or what if Claire the "spontaneous regenerative chick" ...

becomes the lead singer of "Back stage boys" ?


What if the mass murderer, Sylar ...

repents and becomes a full-time electrician instead?


And what if everybody in the series has left the show, and there's only one hero left...

Damn you Ando! You don't even have a special ability...

Ando : "You don't have to have a power to be a hero."

Me : "Oh, Shut it! And Get out of my blog!"




But in the end, it's just about staying or leaving, or whether you have the moxie to achieve your dreams -- which is something I still lack...

... cause togetherness brings hope ...

... and when your friends are either graduating.... or leaving... or even as silly as convocating...

... you would have a courage to move on ... to relax you mind ...

.... and not to blame things on God... not to be angry at people... not to hate your old highschool friends...

... and the most important things of all ...


... not to be lost.

I wonder if I can do it.



.

The Third Dream

Me : Hey!


Me : Hey!


God : What? What happened? Did you just call me?


Me : (shrugged)

God : Well, that never happened before. What can I do you for?

Me : I think you've known, haven't you?

God : Let me see?

[pause]

God : This is about your last two dreams, right?

Me : What about it? What do you think?

God : You have been dreaming some resemblances in the last two days and you wonder if it will happen again tonight, am I correct?

Me : Well...

God : No.. no... wait... you hope for a dream like that to come and visit you again, don't you?

Me : I know that you know that.

God : Well, I am only God. I am not a Dream Giver. I can't control what dream you may have tonight or any other nights. It's all inside of you, what decides your dreams.

Me : So what do you say?

God : That perhaps it's due to your hunger of affection that you dreamed about Cy and Susan respectively.

Me : It's not even the same, the two of them.

God : Well, I beg to differ. I don't see it that way. Yes, they have differences in time and stuffs, but you still liked the two of them for a seriously significant amount of time.

Me : Yeah, I know that. I never thought that I would be dreaming of Cy again, let alone Susan. I wonder where she is and what she's doing right now.

God : Yeah, time has passed, things have surely changed a lot.

Me : [no response]

God : So tell me more about the dream. Cy first. You dreamt of her first right?

Me : Do I have to? You have known about it anyway.

God : I do. But it's better to share things with someone than nothing at all. I personally like the conversations I do with human being.

Me : Okay then. I only remember to have Cy with me riding towards some place. In the middle of the road, I hugged her, so easily as if it's something I knew I should have done. The funny thing was that I could still drive.

God : I don't really get what you're saying. What's the dream about?

Me : I don't know. I can't really explain it. It's more to the emotional thing than the appearances and the what-happens and the descriptions...

God : I see. Something like affection or love really can't be uttered in words, since it is not three dimensional.

Me : Yeah.

God : So what happened next? You just riding with her?

Me : Yep. That was all. And by yesterday, it felt like the sweetest dream. No kidding. You may not believe it cause you need to experience it to really understand it.

God : Look who you're talking to. I know. Believe me. So what happened with Susan?

Me : Hm.. this one is hard to explain. I remember I was feeling so lost and helpless in my dream. There was something happened to me before that.. I didn't recall it no more, but it felt like highschool. I think that's the closest I can say right now, because the only memories I had with Susan was in High School and that was really long time ago.

Me : I remember finding Susan standing near a fountain or something... but it was inside a room. I talked to her. I didn't remember what I said to her. But I think that I was telling her about my feeling to her. That I have a crush on her... that I love her. Something like that.

Me : And then she replied, "I am going to Singapore." but she didn't smile.

Me : I knew she turned me down. Been like that in my real life too. But then she talked to me... saying alot of things and that had never happened before. It's like we were friends, close friends that sharing something private didn't feel icky.

Me : I remember she was saying things about her brothers of her father. I don't remember... actually, I didn't pay attention to her. After she had done talking, I nodded at her as if I understood all the things she said and as if they were happening to me too. She seemed to buy it because the feeling of each-other-understanding filled the air.

Me : And then I held her hands, not properly, but yeah... I meant it delicately.

Me : And that was when my mother woke me up.

God : I see. I hope you for the best.

Me : Do you really? Do you want to give me another dream like that?

God : It didn't seem like a very happy dream.

Me : No it didn't. But it had the...

God : ... feeling. I know.

Me : [sigh] I have been so busy you know. I cannot even do things I like nowadays.

God : And I just realize that this conversation is not funny at all? [confused]

Me : Yeah. This is supposed to be a sitcom. But I don't think it will be funny this time.

God : Of course it won't be funny. Life is not a sitcom.

Me : Then why do I ask for one that is?


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On My Way Home

These are what's on my mind whenever I am on my way home.

First, I don't like Indonesia, but why I love these songs?
Second, I don't fit the stories, but why they keep lingering on my mind?
and Last, I don't know why I put these lyrics here, but why did I want to?




The wind was wiping the exhaustion off my body. I was moving at ten meters per second. Usual gloomy thoughts were on my mind, but why the lines :

Buat apa susah...

buat apa susah...

lebih baik kita bergembira

buat apa susah...

buat apa susah...

lebih baik kita bergembira

and these lines :

kekasihku apa yang kau pikirkan

hidup ini hanya sementara

tak berguna kau bersedih hati

percayalah...sayang...

keep repeating in my head?

When I was bored, I chose a different song, but what song did I choose?

Begini nasib jadi bujangan
Ke mana mana asalkan suka
Tiada orang yang melarang

Hati senang walaupun tak punya uang
Hati senang walaupun tak punya uang

When I insisted on myself to change the song, CHANGE THE SONG FOR THE LOVE OF ...

Sesampainya di laut
Kukabarkan semuanya
Kepada karang kepada ombak
Kepada matahari

Tetapi semua diam
Tetapi semua bisu
Tinggal aku sendiri
Terpaku menatap langit

Barangkali di sana
ada jawabnya
Mengapa di tanahku terjadi bencana

Right.



Now, I'm officially losing my mind.


.

Bujangan


Buat Apa Susah

Fate was playing with me

Since when had my life become so unfair? So unfair that I missed everything good in highschool? So unfair that I missed everything cool in highschool? Since when had I complained about my work ruining my life? Since when had I not been able to even online? Who am I to blame if my life is a wreck now? How am I supposed to free myself from my dull job, the decision I made, the very trap I fell in to?

Pessimism always suited me. Ever since I was little, I tended to hope for the worst, only in order to make the opposite to happen. In short, I had a superpower.

I could control my fate and my future. I could fulfill my wish and hope, to make it happen according to my "actual" will.

When I was a kid,

I had an examination at school, one that I didn't study very well. I knew that the possibility of me failing was incontrovertible. So I knew, pessimistically, that I was going to fail. So I kept hoping for the worst to come. Hoping and hoping solemnly. And then I passed, satisfyingly.

At the moment, I wonder if it's a coincidence, if it's a lie that I didn't know how to answer the test correctly, or that I was lucky.

.

Years and years later, I found luck always coming my way whenever I thought I was doomed, whenever I thought that the worst was in front of me, turned out it wasn't. I was saved again.

I began to realize that maybe it's because of my pessimism. If I was pessimistic, I could somehow, succeed. So I always hoped for the worst in every examination I went through in Junior High and in Senior High. I often got a great mark.

When I was more an adult, I tried to use my pessimism to attain the things I wanted. This was how it worked :

If I wanted something to happen (for instance : when I hoped the blackout ain't occured when I got back) I tried to deeply and truly hope the opposite to happen (in this case : I hoped that the blackout really did happened).

I know it's insane, but it worked. I had a superpower to control my wish.

I never told people about any of it, cause I knew what they would have said, that it was a coincidence it's happened and I was only a lucky pessimistic bastard. But people would not understand this. Statistically speaking, the number was so high for it to be called as coincidence.

Then again, it's hard to prove my ability. See, people didn't need to tell me how to prove if I was really able to make any wish come true.

"If you really are that great, you can use your ability to give yourself a hundred million dollars right now. Just wish that you can't get the money and be as pessimistic as you want... and so if your ability is really there, then you should really really get the money. Well? you can't, right? And therefore it means that you are a normal human being with no superpower whatsoever... maybe perhaps a significantly messed up behaviour as a pessimist."

I know what you're gonna say.

I couldn't wish for anything I want by wishing the opposite to happen, because I would be secretly wishing for it to happen, and therefore I can't get what I want. Do you get that?

Let me rephrase that.

I couldn't get what I want by wishing the opposite to happen because I know that if I do wish the opposite, it was because I wanted the opposite of the opposite to happen and therefore it (what I want) couldn't happen.

Still don't get it? How about this? :

I can't wish for a thing by wishing the opposite because in the bottom of my heart, I wish that.
I couldn't lie to myself. That was it.

I had to wish the opposite 'unconsciously' so that I would really believe in the worst. That way, I could get the best.

The only problem is, I am well awake.

I had a superpower, but I couldn't use it when I wanted to use it. I could only use it unknowingly.

.

I have been very busy and I will still be very busy for the days to come. I am now a man with no time on his own. I have no time to sleep enough, I barely have time to watch movies and relax, and I almost never get free time to update blog. For the people who read this and for myself, I apologize.

Almost everyday, I have only two to four hours of free time and it's from 12 am until 3 pm, approximately.

Last Tuesday, I have a special free time from 10 am until 3.20 pm. And I was really planning on relaxing. What I meant by relaxing was watching Grey's Anatomy season 3 because I was addicted to the show at that moment and it was the only thing that could cheer me up that time. I had been working my ass off everyday (including Saturday and Sunday, yes!), so I really appreciated a little time to spend on my own.

So I went home, all optimistic. I brought my lunch with me. I was happy, something I rarely had nowadays.

My happiness dissolved away when I got home. I found out at once that the electricity was out. The damn blackout had struck again. It's only the second day after the Muslim's New Year. I was really pissed off.

I asked my mother when we lost the power. She told me that the blackout had occurred since 8 am in the morning. I counted immediately, and realized that it's two hours away until the blackout ended. See, the PLN (the so-called electric company) always gave us four hours of blackout. Something I had known and hated for so long.

So I waited.

Two more hours, I thought savagely.

I waited again.

I swore and swore. I was angry and vexed. Ninety minutes left.

I waited again.

I still swore. I cursed PLN, I cursed the Indonesian people, its government. But at least one hour later I would be able to watch my movies.

I waited again.

It's almost the time. Twenty minutes.

I waited again.

It was already 12 pm, but the damn blackout didn't stop.

I waited again.

It's exceeded the four-hour limit over half an hour. I was mad.

I waited again, lying on the bed.

Still no power, no Grey's Anatomy. I was furious.

I waited again.

It was 1.15 pm. The power should come at 2 pm, and by then I would have only 80 minutes to spend in watching.

I waited again.

I became savage. I yelled and screamed scathingly over PLN. The clock almost reached two.

I waited again. Doing nothing.

The clock showed 2.12 pm. I had lost my faith. The blackout was incredibly annoying. It had been dark for six hours and twelve minutes, and it was still continuing.

I waited again.

It was 2.30 pm. I realized that my fate was playing with me. Screwing with me, actually. At that moment, I knew that the electricity would come at the moment I walked out my house, which was 3.20 pm. I knew it because I was who I was.

I was the most unfortunate man.

Here came the pessimistic behavior, I thought. I couldn't use my superpower against this because I knew I really wanted to watch the damn Grey thing.

I gave up and didn't wait anymore. My "the only" leisure had been robbed from me. I was so weak. I just lay there on my bed, thinking of alot of things. Why had my life been such an unfortunate one? Didn't I deserve better?

I do, deserve better. Much better than this.

The reason I wanted to watch Grey's Anatomy so badly was that while I was watching it on my computer the previous night, just when I reached the very great part near the end, my computer broke. So I was really eager to know the next part... the final part...

But now... I was deprived. HOW CAN YOU NOT BE MAD ABOUT THAT?

I told my mother that the PLN was torturing me intentionally and that the blackout would stop when they know I had no time to watch anymore... that it ought to be near 3.20 pm the power should be back on.

She didn't believe me.

But I was right.

The power came back at 3.10 pm, just when I had no time to watch anymore.

I really was the most FUCKED OFF man on earth.




.



There was something urging me to fight back.

So I went to my room and turned on my DVD player. "I am gonna watch the damn 10 minutes I was robbed last night!"

So I did it. I felt enormously satisfied, not only because I was able to know the end of the story (which was awesome!) but I also kicked that PLN's and my fate's asses.

I was late to work. So what?

In the end, life is about changing. Superpower or not, I would not give in to my stupid fate. Not now, not ever. I will rise. I will live my own work, my own life. The fate is playing me, so guess what?

I will beat it on its own game.





.

Someone's Anatomy [Just Watching]

I was doing fine, thank you for asking. Sorry for speaking in past tense, but I really was doing just fine today until I found out about something. What? What something? They ask mysteriously. No... no... it's not something like O-May-Gut-She-has-already- had-a-BOYFRIEND something. No, no. It's not that life-changing something, well except if you're a big Harry Potter fan to find out that your oldest Idol in the wizarding world is gay. Yeah. Dumbledore was freaking in love with Grindelwald, and he was gay. HE WAS GAY!. He was not Gay Gay. He was GAY. Hah!

Okay, now with calmer tone, I -- I indeed am doing OK now. Thanks to a great show that has been accompanying me until even now. It's my favorite show at this moment. Number one show. Please welcome . . .

Okay then.

I dig this show. Why? because it has all the X-Factors in every great Series I like. And I am talking as one of the faithful followers of American TV Series like Heroes, Lost, Smallville, 24, Friends, Six Feet Under, Sex and the City, the 4400, Nip/Tuck, Scrubs, Joey, Tru Calling, Desperate Housewives, Prison Break, CSI, Will and Grace, and so on...

Okay, so many competitors... but why Grey's Anatomy?


First and First.

They have Dr. Isobel Katherine Heigl Stevens a.k.a "Izzie". Okay, so I never thought that I would love a girl whose name is Izzie. But Hell. She's not just 100% hot, but she's hot hot and she's a fighter. She was living in a trailer and yet she made it to the Medical School. She's a great baker and she has warm heart. She was a lingerie model and she could kick guys' asses. Plus, she's hot hot hot. Did I mention that? Lol. I love Izzie. Izzie is my favourite character of the series.

So much I can say about this character. She was the one of the main focus character in season 2, when she fell in love with her patient, Denny Duquette (played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan). Denny was a patient who needed a heart transplant, and when the only heart available seemed to be vanishing away, Izzie tried whatever she could to retrieve the heart... "Whatever she could" means that she had to steal the heart, and staged a fake diagnosis on Denny, that means she had to stop her fiance's heart in order to get the heart. In the most intense episodes of season 2 (which were "17 Seconds" and "Deterioration of the Fight or Flight Response"), Izzie showed her best and worst, putting everything in her life and her boyfriend's life at stake.

Wonder how it went? That's why it is the greatest show.

And then there is Dr. Miranda Bailey a.k.a the Nazi.

She's the toughest, smartest, and greatest resident I've seen in the series. Dr. Bailey is the strictest person in Seattle Grace Hospital and even the attendings are scared of her. Hell, even Chief Webber can't do much. Haha.. Funny thing, last night, when I got inside Grey's Anatomy's official website and went into Bailey's page to see if there was anything about her past... I ran into these words :

"Thought you were gonna find something about me? Think again! Now get back to work!"

I laughed for several minutes. Man, she'll be damned!

My favourite line in the show regarding Bailey was :

"Bailey's back? Bailey's back!" --- Chief Webber.

And then there is this Meredith Grey, the main character of the show whose last name was used as the title, paroding the Gray's Anatomy. Meredith Grey, the main "complainer" of the series was narrating most of the episodes. She was marked as Dark and Twisted, Scary and Damaged by her boyfriends and her friends. But she always smiled even when she didn't need to. I think it's because her cheeks had some abnormal cuteness... oh yeah.. she was also sputtering words all the time in the cute way I found it rather disturbing yet addictive.

Okay, to sum up, Here's the list of why I really like the show and become a weird man posting stupid entry on his blog...

• They have Izzie. Go Izzie! Huhu!

Again, Hu hu!

• They use Nazi to torture these five people. And yeah.. there are these five different kinds of characters. The show is rich.

• They have George O'Malley. Everything about George is that he's not gay in the series but gay in real life, that he's portrayed by TR Knights who happened to have a row with Isaiah Washington calling him a "faggot" which ended up with Washington getting fired.

But I love this character.

He was in love with Meredith but when he did tell her about his feelings, it led towards an unpleasant tragedy. Oh, poor George.

• For three seasons, they had Burke in it. Oh.. the incredible Dr. Preston Burke. But his life became more sullen once he got shot, and I really think Christina was not meant to be for him. But Burke was a very great character. I would miss him when he's gone.

• They keep saying "Seriously?" and there's something in the show to the word "Mc". I mean, since McGrey Mcmet with McDreamy, I Mcheard alot about the Mcusing of the Mcword McDreamy, McSteamy, McVet, McCutie.. I mean... seriously?

• They have great intense episodes, like "It's the end of the world (as we know it)" which was the first episode of Grey's that I enjoy really really damn much. Well, how couldn't you when it was opened with three beautiful girls showering together, the well-put scenarios when a bomb stuck inside a person's body. I love episodes like these.

Anyway... it's not a great series if it had no influencing on my real life. And, this show... as far as I can tell... is telling me all I know about living a good life with ups and downs in it. But I can just never apply them in my real life. What's wrong with me?

I refuse to answer that question, cause at this moment... at this very moment... besides feeling starving... I just want to watch the show, again.

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