The Soliloquist's Page

Insecurity

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 07:34:00 +0000

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

I guess this is the first time I have this feeling. What Bella Swan said in Twilight, "I'm only scared of losing you.", I finally know how it really means.

I have no doubt about how I feel. I'm just scared.

Is loving somebody too much wrong?

All I've ever done is to love her. But that is becoming a problem. How can something so beautiful be seen as something wrong?

I am so close to blaming her. I need more strength and patience, because my insecurity is about to eat me from the inside out. I must prevail. I must survive. Because I won't mess this up.

Not anymore.

The Understanding

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 12:52:00 +0000

Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.

Time has passed on. Another chapter of my life has started since November 11, 2009. I am a new man. And I am not alone anymore. But discovering your answer is not everything. This is not the end of the story. It's the end of one story. One long story of my life.

I love her with all my heart. She told me she does too. Two hearts beating as one is all it takes to be the happiest man in the world. But is she happy? Is she satisfied? What is she thinking?

All of the sudden, my life is not about me anymore. All I'm doing is to love her and to think what's best for her. But that's all I can do. What kind of things should I do? Confusion attacked me every single day.

There is a new episode everyday. Everything is moving so fast that I barely can't keep up. Sometimes, I'm the luckiest man in the world. The other time, my hand hurt because my heart hurts.

I am trying my best to understand her, but the effort it takes makes he confused even more. I am what I am. I don't know how to do this. But apparently, she doesn't either. So who the hell is driving this ship?

But why should things have to be complicated?

It's simple.

I love you. You love me. Isn't that enough? That should be enough.
You know what? I'm going to tell her this, now.

I don't like complicated.

I am a simple man, after all.

Special

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 07:52:00 +0000

You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

So here it is... the moment I've been waiting for since the first time I wrote the entry about Soulmate has come. I don't know if love has found me or if I have found love. But both of those are equally good for me.

The funny thing is perhaps we found each other. She is a person I would never have thought to end up with. She's only a normal girl who's looking for love, but been hurt so many times. I was there when she's hurt. But I was there in the aftermath. I think that's where we got closer.

There was a doubt inside of me, when it was time to choose between her and Sierra. But as I was drown in confusion, something came to my mind, telling me that if I choose Sierra instead of her, I would be living in constant doubt. Everything will not be as clear as I am now with Minnie. Yeah, Minnie. She's my special person now.

Have you ever heard about a saying that goes like this : You only need one minute to introduce yourself to someone, one hour to know that you can talk to them, one day to know whether you still need to talk to them, one week to like them, one month to get close to them, one year to love them, and one lifetime to forget them.

I think it's partially correct. It only takes one week to like someone, another week to realize it, and an extra day to decide. Once you do, you'll get the clarity for this relationship. You talk about many things. Past and Future. But it's the present which you are really excited about.

I met Minnie the other day. It was a secret meeting since we didn't want anybody else to know. It turned out to be the most special moment for us both. Not exactly like what I'd planned and wished for, but it's a start.

The both of us opened ourselves for each other. We accepted each other. This is something I'd never experienced in my entire life. It's new, it's exciting, I'm terribly scared now.

The best thing about it, is that I am now happy, and I am now lonely no more. Thanks to her, my life is much much much better despite all the things that bring us down. She completes me in a way I complete her. She's told me that she cares about me. And it's only a matter of time now...

The moment has come, eventually. Did it feel as great as I hoped?

Well...

I can not lie.

YES! :)

Why, An Untitled Monologue

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 07:15:00 +0000

Put me out of my misery. We’re not what we used to be.

La La La la...

“You’re still here.. Your feet stuck to the ground despite how silly it sounds.. you’re bigger than me...”

That is Bigger, a song of Backstreet Boys, from their new album, which will be their second single. Backstreet Boys has always been a figure of friend to me, and a loyal one. But I am looking for no friend, because as all hells know, I’m in the quest of finding my soulmate, a quest so arduous that it has messed up the definition of the word soulmate to me.

I’m inside my room, facing my notebook, wanting to write out everything inside of my mind. I have bottled up so many things in these two months I was absent. From the birthday post of mine, and the previous entry called Addiction, I have come a long way, but sadly, nowhere.

“Yes, I will. Take your hand and walk with you. Yes I will. Baby I promise you. Yes I will, give you everything you need and someday start a family with you. Oh Yes I will...”

Another Backstreet Boys song is being played right now. Promises and Promises. They never stop. Few of them got fulfilled, but most of them got abandoned and forgotten. I have to admit that I have broken several of my promises myself. I am no perfect man. But I tried my best to keep living by my promises. The world isn’t easy to live in, at least my world is.

Everyone wishes to see me do great things. I want to prove to them, to my family and my friends that I can be someone.. just someone.. but figuring who you are and what you’re supposed to do isn’t a thing you can finish in a day or a year. It’s a continuing progress with ups and downs. But lately, I am neither moving up nor down. I am levitating in a perfect silence, immovably still.

So my story, or at least, this part of the story began when I first knew about this girl who I thought to be my soul mate, the one whom at last I found. For one whole month I was the happiest man in the world. Everything seemed to be falling in to the right place. She was the one who would be single-handedly rescuing me from my lair of insecurities and loneliness.

I devoted everything to her, I tried my best to be the perfect guy for her. In a short time, she was the one person who knew me better than anybody else. I felt to be moving closer to her myself. We had a special connection like nothing I’d ever seen or felt before. I knew it was meant to be, that I was somehow made for her.

But like this blog, everything turned out to be just a one way street. She cut me off her life just easily as if we were never close. I couldn’t seem to comprehend as to why she did the things she did. And it took me one more month before I finally knew that I didn’t meet her expectations, whatever those were.

The pain of losing something you thought was your final answer was indescribable at best. She is everything but mine. But the way she severed our relationship, I would never forget. I didn’t “feel” like we had a connection. I knew for sure that the two of us shared a deep connection to each other, like we’re the two last persons in this world. But why and how come could she end everything just like that?

There was a time when suddenly she disappeared from the face of the earth. When I couldn’t reach to her. She deleted everything in her life, or at least she deleted me. She didn’t want me to know what’s happening to her, and I tried my hardest to understand her, only to fail completely. She was no better person than anybody, she was never a perfect girl, and that’s what I like about her, but the way she pushed me away from everything. How could I love somebody who’s mysteriously silent all of sudden?

I didn’t know how to deal with the situation. I began to swarm myself with my usual insecurities and pessimisms, only this time they were quadrupled and doubled, because this was my biggest bet. This was my biggest love yet, and I was losing...

When things went for worse, I tried to soothe myself, found things to distract myself.. but in the end I kept coming back to her. I even went on a date with a girl I didn’t like just because I needed someone to be with so badly. It all went wrong so awfully that everything in my life was spinning out of control. I lost myself, abandoned this blog, and I chased on two girls who had already got a boyfriend. I got stressed out, hated my job, and obsessed in playing games to distract myself.

In short, my life was a mess without her.

If I say I’m fine now, and that I have moved on and forgotten about her, that would be a total lie. I still wish if things hadn’t turned for the worst. I might still be happy, because we were looking about a big long future together, and to share everything. To love and care so solemnly. So sweetly.

It hurts just to write this, to imagine what would have been. The thing is, she was one in a million for me. It feels like I’ll never find anybody who can share things like we did. She was the one person who was like me, who had more things in common with me than any girl would ever do. But if things stay this way, I will never be happy again. I need to move on and forget about her. I need to find someone else.

Until this very second, I have nobody in my heart. I am now an unloved man not looking for love. Soulmate and its definition has been torn in to pieces. True Love, I have now wondered if it exists at all, or isn’t it all just a big game of money and lust?

People always say to me to be more cheerful and positive, that it’s not good for me to stay like this. But I have tried cheerful. I have tried positive. They didn’t work for me. I am Meredith Grey, scary and damaged. Dark and Twisty. I don’t like it. I’m not proud of it. I want to be everything but.

What do you want me to say?

“Hahaha”?

“I will find my love, just believe it”?

Okay...

I will find my love. Count on it!!!!

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Twenty Four

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 07:57:00 +0000

Dreams do come true sometime eh.

I sit and wait... does an angel contemplate my fate?

Hi, world. We meet again, and it's another long gap before my entry. I'm sorry. Lately, what I feel has been like a seesaw.. It's all happening so fast, and emotions flows like an insane river going on south. Things have not gone so well with my life lately. What I want and what was delivered, man... they differ a lot.

So yesterday was my birthday. Another year has passed. So quickly and yet so slowly. All I ever wished for is for my life to turn out Okay. I just want to be happy. Friends and Lovers.. all the drama in my life... why should we expect any different?

I never celebrate my birthday before.. never since I was just an eight or nine year old kid. My mom used to throw me a party and invite all our neighbours.. there would be cakes and coloured eggs. There would be noodles and prizes.. they would be the best days of my life.

But as I got older, the sense of celebrating got old. Every year, my birthdays were passed... my friends never threw me anything and I was fine with it, because I never threw anything for them also. Hahaha..

But yesterday I knew I needed something different, because I've had all my shares of ups and downs.. (mostly the downs), so I needed something better. I needed something to make me happy. So an idea came to my mind. It's simple, but it's something I never done before.

"Buy a cake, to myself!"

The Hell with others! I don't care what would happened next.

At August 18, I called Anni. She had just gotten back from Tuk Tuk with Hensen Cs. She agreed to meet me and buy the cake.

Later that night, I went to Comic Garden, like I did usually. There I met Tony, Adon, Acun, Sugi, and Erwin. They wished me a happy birthday although it wasn't the time yet. They joked about buying fifteen tofus to share with them all, but at last, I bought thirty of them and they all ate lots of tofus that night. LoL.. what an unusual way to treat friends.

That night I already felt somewhat happy, because friends were actively happy about my birthday and that never happened to me before. They posted greetings on my facebook walls.. and lots and lots of them too..

I didn't sleep that night, because I intended to be happy, at least I tried to make it a happy day, but after two o'clock, I couldn't help it anymore. I collapsed to a dreamless sleep. I woke up at nine yesterday. And I felt happy. Mostly because it's already my birthday, but also because I was free that day, didn't have to teach. So I went on to meet Anni at one p.m. She looked beautiful like she always do.

Anni is a person who's strong and doesn't care of what people think. She's one of my bestest friends and saying that she's great is an understatement. She does whatever she likes and she's been through a lot. Someone I admire, I believe, is my point.

She's a friend who can accept you for who you are, know and respect that we're all not a perfect person. There are only a few people I know that's like her. So it's an honor for me to be able to spend my birthday with her. So yesterday she's with me for the day.

We went to Thamrin Plaza, without any real plan what to do once we get there. We did all things spontaneously. I didn't plan what to do on my birthday. I just thought of three things : meet Anni, buy a cake, go to Comic Garden. That's all.

So, once we got to Thamrin Plaza, we talked about the possibility of us watching a movie... but there were no good movies playing there.. Just Doomsday : one which I have watched three days ago with Lily, but that's another story... , Red Line : one which I have no interest in watching, Quarantine : one old movie I expected would be very much like Doomsday , and Max Payne : one I don't care or like. Apparently, Anni also found the movies so boring.. LoL.. so we didn't watch anything that day. Instead, we went to D-Loft to have lunch together..

The last time we went to Thamrin, we also went there to drink and talk about a girl I like. She helped me getting prepared, and we shopped clothes together.. but it's only a few weeks and we went there again, talking about almost the same topic, but with different circumstances.. this time, it's my birthday, so today was about me, or so what Anni told me, and that girl I like, all of it went south and screwed... So here we go, Anni sticked with me through all of my ups and downs. It's how good a friend she is.

Out of nowhere, I proposed an idea to go and sing a song.. because at that time, there's this song "I'll be there" by Mariah Carey.. and so I asked Anni if she wanted to go to Karaoke with me, just the two of us. Normally girls wouldn't want to do that, but not Anni, (since she's not really a girl, haha).

It's the first time in my life to go to sing in K2 in the middle of the day. Usually I go there at night. And I'd never gone to Karaoke just with one person. But yesterday was a day of surprises, unexpected, and do-what-we-love-to-do kind of day.

We sang so many songs together... we had it all. Amongst the songs we sang, there were Michael Jackson's You are not alone, Heal the world, Backstreet Boys's Shape of my heart, All I have to give, Show me the meaning.. We also sang songs like I'll be there, Scientist, Love story, You belong with me, Endless love (hm.. what a romantic moment..), In love with you, and many many many mandarin songs I can't remember the titles.. Hahaha..

It's the best time and the happiest I feel in a long time.

At the moment, I suddenly realized that this was what I had hoped for in the year 2002. Being close to Anni and doing things together as friends. I was in the same room with her. This was what I dreamed for, for such a long time... and now it's happening to me when all other things fell over in my life... and it's happening on my birthday. Dreams do come true sometime eh, who knows?

I could feel the intimate feelings of love and caring about each other.. but here's the trick, Anni and I are just friends. We're such a good friend that most of my friends think that we're together.. She's my best friend from highschool. I can talk and share a lot of things with her.. and so can she. When she was in the hospital four years ago, I think that was the time we got closer with each other. I love her and care about her as friends, and she always this cool about it.

Most of the times, when we have nothing else to talk about, we always share stories about the persons we like and have feelings on. I told her about my disastrous date experience just three days ago, and about my failed plan to steal a girl's heart. She told me about her love life as well.. but I won't write it here.. it's just between us.

We planned to go to Clover to buy the cake after we finished singing, but it was raining all of sudden, and heavily too. So we just stood on the outside of K2, watching the rain as we talked about things in life. Hehe.. it's an unplanned event too.. because plans always break apart.. It's better if we just flow within them.. let it all happen.

It was already six in the afternoon, and I suddenly realized that I was hungry, so Anni told me that we should get something to eat. I told her there was a nice place to eat just nearby K2, so we went there to have our dinner while waiting for the rain to stop. Yeah.. it's what you do when you ride a bike to go everywhere. I don't have a fancy car. So what?

We went down to East and West restaurant. I have just ever been there once with Jacq years back.. and it's so nice to go there again. Anni told me she wanted to treat me. Haha.. I wouldn't let her, but she's so strong. LoL.

The rain had stopped after we dined. We rushed to buy the cake because it's getting late, and I was already late. My friends were waiting for me at Comic.

Comic Garden was like my second home. Hehe.. All of the people there last night celebrated my birthday, and all I can say is that I was touched. Anni helped me cut the cake. She's a cutter, I said. Hehe..

It's just a small birthday, something exactly I hope for (Thank you Anni, for making me feel very happy^^). In a way, last night was perfect. I am already twenty four today. It's the number you have in one day. Don't waste life. I'm turning a new leaf. If things don't happen the way I want, then I just have to accept it and try to move on, struggling for something better, because in time, good things are bound to happen. Dreams are always coming true. Late it may be, but it will happen.

It's just statistic.

Travis - Closer (Official Music Video) - More free videos are here

Addiction

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 16:52:00 +0000

Fanaticism for anything is addiction.

The wind blew hard, smashing and shaking the window in my room.. I was uneasy. My body moved sideways and back. It’s not what I hoped for, this was not what I dreamed of, but “I am dreaming about this...”

What was I dream of?

Last night, the anticipation was killing me, I fell asleep to find her materialized in my dream. She was something extraordinary. She’s unshy. She put her arms on my shoulders, and then she gently placed her head against mine. She looked at me, deep. I was stunned beyond knowledge. Nothing could have prepared me for this. This was it! This was what I wanted. What I always wanted. But then she pulled away from me. She was busy, she had so many friends and so much work to do.

When her friends got there, they almost seemed to have deprived her away from me. They almost like carried her away. She didn’t mind, because she had to finish her job. She was talking about so many things I didn’t understand. The things in her life had just suddenly gotten broad. It’s as if I was only a little part of her that was insignificant, and after she finished make do with me, she had to move on, to another job to do.

I was left alone, again, when she went and talked to one of her colleagues. I remember one of her friends, one whose name I knew, he came to talk to me, and he said that she was indeed like this. She was always so popular. She was always busy. It’s what she did, it’s what she was. It’s who they were.

I felt like being plunged in to a nightmare I wanted very much to get out of. This was not what I dreamed about. This was not supposed to happen!

And then I woke up.

Breathless, I was relieved that it was only a dream. It hadn’t happened. Hope it wouldn’t happen.
My eyes were fixed on a random spot on my ceiling.. it wasn’t time. Not yet.

So what I saw that morning.. was Steven Lee’s birthday. It’s like I was being thrown in to the past. Random thoughts were rushing thru my mind...

Steven Lee was a friend you would love to laugh with, though sometimes I laugh at him. ^^ And when his birthday arrived, we knew we ought to do something about it. But no celebrations, we just hung out with him at Sun Plaza’s food court. No food, no beverages. But a lot of pictures were taken. Had I known about her then? It was after my spontaneous thing. I have contacted her. It was a happy day. Not because of Steven Lee’s birthday, but because of her. She made me happy.

I looked at my cell phone’s clock and it’s still eight. I still had time. I went back to sleep, thought I should rest more, and dream about something else. But I wasn’t dreaming anymore, instead, I was wondering what would happen three hours later. Just three hours from then, I remember realizing about it. But my thoughts once again ran away and got clouded with the possibilities.

Endless possibilities.

Petrificus Totalus! The hype of Harry Potter had once again struck me and all my friends as the sixth installment crawled nearer and nearer. I was excited, but I didn’t post anything of the movie on my blog, like what I did last year. But I still was excited to see it in the cinema.. I told myself that I would watch it as soon as it came out, but it turned out that I didn’t have the time. I was busy working and teaching, and all my friends were unavailable to watch it with me when I could, and were available when I couldn’t.

She was away, when the movie came out, if she weren’t, I would have asked her to do the honor with me. I did ask her anyway, but I wasn’t serious.

Harry wasn’t as different as the fifth. It was definitely a continued-movie from the fifth, since the director was David Yates and the same until the movie wraps out in the seventh.. and I enjoyed the movie, surely, because I am the biggest fan in the studio.. but as I could see.. many people didn’t enjoy it, I admit it myself that the movie lacked action. But that’s the whole point, the sixth was just a preparation for the finale.

In the end of the day, I wanted to share the movie I’d watched with her and her alone. She wasn’t even a fan of Harry Potter. But why did I need to share it with her?

I finally woke up at eight thirty, thinking I should probably be more ready than ever. So I took a shower, had a breakfast, and tried to look the best I could. The expectation was super high. The pressure was unimaginable. I was too selfish. I needed everthing to be perfect and fairy-tale-ish. All I imagined in the last two days was a dance in the middle of nowhere. We were walking and I asked her to dance, didn’t know where the bravery came from, didn’t care of the consequences if she turned me down. I just thought, let’s just said she wanted to.

I offered her to hold my hand, and then I held her hand. Like Addison offered the Chief to dance on the bar-floor with no music around. “Ask me anyway.” Said Addison. And I would took out my cell phone, and I played “I’ll be there” or “All I have to give”, and we just danced like Izzie and George did. He held her hand, pushed her away but still held her hand, and then he pulled her to his body, hugged her by touching her waist, as her other hand caressed his upper shoulder, and then their feet moved around harmoniously, and she spinned around in front of him, all of those beneath the faint mp3 music coming out of my mono speaker...

That would have been lovely, I thought.

I love how I can be straight to my heart with her, and what a happy coincidence when Backstreet Boys released their new single called Straight through my heart. I downloaded it at once.

To see them coming back with a hit like this, I was so happy and proud. All I did, was to tweet the news, and wrote it on my facebook status.. mumbled the chorus to anybody who wanted to hear. And not left behind, I told her about it as well. That’s the best thing, I told her everything. Never in my life, never, even Cy, had I known someone who posed very similiarly with my soulmate. Is she my soulmate? Have I finally found it? The one? Have I finally found the answer to the song Unmistakable?

I haven’t known yet.

I mounted my bike. Smashie wasn’t ready. But I told her that this was an important and special day, and she understood, that way, I knew that she would do her best. And so we began our journey. It was a great trip, Smashie and me. She was great and loyal to me.

I stopped by places to make sure I was ready and prepared. But when I got there, all the awkwardness started to show up. Everything was happening then, at that precise moment. It was all so real, that what I’d been imagining had finally taking shape to come true, accurate or not, still to be seen. I was nervous. Very. I recalled what Anni said to me...

She was the one to tell me don’t be afraid. Don’t be nervous. Be confident. Be strong. Be my self. What simple advices could do, I wouldn’t know then, because all I was thinking was

“OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD”

And I didn’t even believe in God.

And time moved very fast. I mean, literally running insanely fast. I was terrified.

Anni went back Medan few weeks ago. I have met her twice since. Our relationship has grown since the last time we seen each other, and that was when her sister’s wedding day.

I became more able to talk to her about things like how I was feeling, and she seemed to be really happy to have this clarity from me. We were different, and for the first time, we were really friends. Yes, for the first time ever since I saw her walking in the corridor of Sutomo 1. Ever since the moment I sat beside Diana and she came over and talked to me, introduced herself to me. Ever since the moment we talked just the two of us in the hospital room. This, was new. And it’s all because of her. She didn’t only make me happy, but unknowingly, she had made Anni happy. Or at least I’d like to think that way. Anni and I had finally come to a new place, thanks to her.

See? How can someone so new to me be so special? Another thing to weigh in on the soulmate thought.

But then the moment came when she spoke to me. She saw me. I was coming to her. Closer and closer. And it’s all officially begun. I saw her. As beautifully as I had already suspected, that, if it’s impossible to say she’s even prettier.

I felt like a moron while I was standing next to her. But I tried to do what Ross did when he was with Rachel. And so whatever happened, happened. It all come what may. So quick that the clock was racing with my heart beat.

I should have looked at her face more often. Yeah, though it’s admittedly beautiful, I could see that I had many things to regret. It wasn’t, in fact, a perfect day because I was not perfect. But she was close to perfect. How could a girl like her would want to love a guy like me? She’s the real intepretation of Nsync’s That Girl. And she’s the Uptown Girl. I was just one regular guy, wanted to face something way above me. I lost and I was shy.

But she did say it’s OK. I was hoping she really meant it, because what would I do without her? At this moment I feel like an addict.

I am enjoying the high.

So much that I retold all of my special events in the past few weeks.

I am on the high.

I am afraid it wears off.

I am terribly afraid. But everyone takes the risk and why can’t I? Why can’t I?

I’m addicted, but I do it volunteeringly. Because the price could be my soulmate...

The Icing of the cake

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 04:47:00 +0000

All the treasure in the world is worthless, unless you have someone to share it with.

I’m back. Improved.

Hi, world. It’s been a while since I talked to you. A lot has happened, a lot has happened which I should have written here.. which I should have told you.. which I should have shared with you. But I didn’t. Why? Probably because from all those times I talked about wanting things to change, I didn’t actually do change. But now I think I find me a way to do that just so.

It is a person, a girl who goes beyond my dream, someone I never expected to know, or to touch me. Remember my last post, when I said I was doing something spontaneously? It’s only the icing of the cake. Everything happens for a reason, and there’s always these steps.. steps one must take to make sure everything goes perfectly. The steps are many... and I’ve taken quite a number only to realize that I just hit the beginning.

This is the start of a new leaf.
This is what may save my life.
She is what may save my life.

I’ll be back for an awesome entry, I’ll go way back! (“,)

(see that little thing? I had never done that before ^^)

Happy

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 13:22:00 +0000

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Wow.. today I just followed my spontaneous instinct and be brave and I did something I had never done before.. and I didn't believe it (I still don't), but it turned out great! YaY! I'm so happy right now!

If there's a Like button on this message above.. I'd definitely click it! :DD XD

Just To Be Close To You

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 11:49:00 +0000

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

This entry is inspired by the old song of Backstreet Boys. But it has more meaning than that. I write this because right now, in this moment, I'm feeling closer to one of my friends. I feel like I can share a lot of things with her. She's very kind and peaceful.

This entry is also written because I need to be closer with someone else. Someone who has abandoned me and as I abandoned her. There's perhaps no way for me to do that, but I know I will try.

This entry is at last written for a girl who makes me confused. I don't know if I can like you or not. I don't know as of this moment what my feelings for you may be, but I intend to find out, so I want to be closer to you right now. So we can get to know each other better before we make a decision.

Just to be close
Just to be close
Just to be close to you
It's all I wanna do.
Oh.
Just to be close
So close
Just to be close...

Cloud

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 12:24:00 +0000

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Confused, again. My head is being clouded by choices and consequences and I can not think straight. Should I ask her? Or should I wait? Why love is such a confusing matter to begin with. I just wanna be happy. Why things so simple can become so complicated? I just wanna be happy. Why is it so hard? Cloud. It's pretty no more.

Something Confusing

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 08:50:00 +0000

We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.

You know, when it comes to the words "change" or "future", there are lots of possibilities one may act. One may look away and change the topic. One may get excited to indulge more in to the topic. One may silence himself at a sudden. And some may talk like the way they usually do without any awareness. I think I maybe fall in to the first and the third category.

But life hasn't turned out pretty well for me lately. Plans overthrown. Expectations tarnished. Hopes shredded apart. And Eagerness blown away. What have I done to arrive on this circumstance? Did I not try hard enough? I thought I tried hard.

But apparently it's not enough.

I plan to keep trying though. There are things in life we can't change no matter how hard we try.

I don't know what I say.

These days are hard for me.

Change is frightening. But it's what I'm desperately trying to accomplish. Why would I look for something so frightening? What's wrong with me? No wonder everything in this world seems out of place. The world is going insane. I am going insane.

this is the post that's no fact no true no sense nothing

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 11:52:00 +0000

Nope.....u still ugly!

every once in a while there is one post you will find in this blog without punctuation and rules because in this moment i do not care but i just want to scream it out loud because every little bone and cell in my body wishes to find an explanation for all the things that have happened in my life that leads to this point of life where all things seem to diverge away from me and sideline every thing in my choice like an antigraviton which is as mysterious as the feelings of one girl itself but none in the world seems to aware of this kind of force because not all people in the world will get the effect of this thing as it ruin my life so badly that i am desperate to cling on anything i see around me like the people from the past i see every now and then they have succeeded in many many things i have not even to begin to think about yet and they all speed like the speed of light as every good thing travels faster than i do and i seem to see everything distorted and blurry and dissolved right in front of my fucking eyes then all i can do is to mope and wallow and drown in the self hating vessel of insecurities the place where all my friends and common sense tell me to stay away from but i just could not manage because i am always get sucked right back in and now i just want to jump off the bridge because nothing in this world seem sane to me as i am just too sick and tired to face all of it once again because even when i thought i have conquered it will come the things anew just to screw everything i have built and do not u care to comment this post because this is the one you should not read and i should have not written here because this is neither true nor false and it all just a frick imagination and i do not know what to do this is a dark time for me please tell me what to do but please do not tell me do not reply this do not comment this but i want to know because i am going crazy and i keep contradict myself and i just can not understand why why why why should this all be this way and i have no way to undo it please forgive this weak man and do not judge me for what i have done and will do next because you damn right i am desperate once again and i do not waant to think about tomorrow but it keeps slip right in to my head and i can not stand the thought of them together i just cant live with it IUBCWIBCIWCIWCUCNICEBCLQIBCCQCWIECBIBCIWBCBLWCLCWUCNCILNECKSFHLWWOEFHWHFLBCVSCBLABCSGCLWAHBCLWBCLWHCBLIWGECIFEHUHFWOEHOIJQIJQPWOPIJMMZMALJHDOQWDENDOIHWOEVFW98HKSJDHWNCKWEHCIWNECOWHECNWHCJWNCFJHFNNQLERCNKJCNKWJCLBYGCLWECWBCUCBIJBLISDHC;NWC;WHNWUHCUWBBWBFGWBBWFBWLBFWBWBIWLVFBEBVABVHASDGCABCABFLABLEWBVAEVEHBVEAVGAEBVALIBVLBRLAJCH,ABCJWHCIWBCIHIUVBAVAEIVAEUBVLAEVHLAEBVIAGVABDSIVIEABVIABIUEABVIAEVEABVIEIVBERV i am sorry i cant do this please forget everything you have read and dont say anything back i will delete it

I am

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 12:05:00 +0000

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I am a one-way lover. Always.

I am like a nanobot: invisible, advanced, powerful, but unreal.

I am not cut out to be a leader.

I am getting fatter... :(

I am interested in astronomy, more and more lately..

I am a fan of Backstreet Boys, more now than ever.

I am circulating like a satellite, suck like a black hole, burst like Gamma Ray, and confusing like dark energy.

I am not the super one, despite my last name.

I am thinking lately, that even though what I dream can't come true... I know that some things are about to change now.. that my life is about to change.

I am not a kid anymore. I hate it.

I am not a grown up. I'm still a growing-up boy. I hate it.

I am lonely and tired, but I'm happier than I used to be.

I am wanting to change all of the above, especially the brighter ones.

I am a weird man.

I am not the man you think I am, but

I am what I am.

The Eleventh Six

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 06:16:00 +0000

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

Whoa.. this morning, I never thought that it's already June Six again. Time flies like a speeding light, so fast that it seems instantaneous.

Like every year, Sixth of June has been a special day for me, ever since 1999, when I was real happy and in love. But there's a secret there too. Actually, the day before the Belia's Day, that is, June 5th, that was the actual day when really great things happened. So earlier, I asked myself what happened to me on June 5, this year.

Boxman walking...

Ok, yesterday. It was a great day I think, but not amazing though. Yesterday was all about watching Terminator Salvation at Sun Plaza. In the morning, Sugi and I went to Sun Plaza to buy the tickets first. You see, in Sun Plaza, you must buy the ticket for an evening show in the morning, otherwise, you wouldn't get any. The plan was to catch a show at seven thirty. There were six of us, so ironic, since today is the day of number six. But yeah, there were six of us, three guys and three girls. Exactly like Friends, except we're not funny, two of us aren't married to each other, none of us is Phoebe Buffay, and all of us are Joey Tribbiani. :P

Boxman searching for the fountain of love...

After purchasing the tickets, I went to Comic Garden, the usual place. Nothing exciting happened there, until six o'clock in the evening. Again, the reference of six.

Then Sugi, Hendry, Cia Cia, Ayen, Lia and I, we met at Sun Plaza. The movie itself was amazing. Awesome. Fantastic. Great. Cool. Mind-Blowing. Okay, there have been six adjectives I used to describe it. Again, Six. Hahaha.. Now I'm pushing it.

After the movie ended, Sugi and Hendry went away to do their own business. The girls and I had a dinner at AW. Then we parted ways. It's a nice night filled with happiness. So, at least the thing eleven years ago reoccured last night. As for today. I can only stay happy, because I know the road is still here, and the journey is still happening.

But whenever I talk about love, sometimes I feel like a box man. A man whose face is covered by a box, with two round dots and one triangle. When he talks, he's the only person who can hear them. I guess it's what I mean by soliloquizing.

Boxman soliloquizing...

But as dry as my love life can be, I still believe in love, even until now. The person I'm currently falling in love with, I think she already knew about my feelings. I have every intention to tell her about it, but time hasn't presented me the opportunities to meet her yet. But in time, I will have the chance, and by that time, I will tell her.

If all things happen as I hope, then there will be new Belia's Day. Because the happiest day of my life is yet to be discovered. So...

Boxman fighting for hope and love in this cruel world...

To Be Discovered. In the mean time, Happy Belia's Day to me! Hahahahaha.

My new picture. I figure today must at least have something new. :P

TO BE DISCOVERED...

An Unexpected Call from An Old Friend

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 07:49:00 +0000

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I was just sitting like always in Comic Garden when my old friend from my one year life in Jakarta, Lin Erich Budianto, contacted me and told me that he's currently in Medan. It had been five years since we last met. I never thought he would come to medan. But he did, and it was a surprise for me, because when I woke up yesterday, I thought it would be a normal usual day of me hanging out in Comic Garden and downloading The Universe...

But then I had to make a choice to meet him. So I called him to arrange a meeting. We met in Sun Plaza, because it was the most common place to meet in Medan, and because he had never been there before. Hell, it was his first visit to Medan. It turned out his visit was due to his work which required him to travel. He was with a friend named Udin. I met him, and he's a cool guy.

We went to Gramedia, and Fountain. He never heard of Fountain because apparently, it only exists in Medan. There, we snapped a few pictures.

Later on, we planned to go back to their hotel, the one in Balai Kota called Inna Dharma Deli, a three star resort. I went there to copy files to and from their notebooks.. but then it's already nine thirty at night, so they suggested me to spend the night in that hotel. It was spontaneous and fun. Haha.. So I agreed and it granted us more time to spend with them. Among the things we did, there were taking advantage from the lobby's wifi, changing rooms and upgrading rooms, watching tv, sharing files, walking to Merdeka Walk which is just right in front of our hotel, buying Mc Donalds, and eating dinner at eleven o'clock in the hotel room, before going out to the lobby and facebooking again. Lolz.

Last night I couldn't sleep well because it's too cold in that hotel room. The two of them slept like a baby because they got a freakin blanket each. I on the other hand... let's just say my feet was freezingly numb. LoL.

The morning after, we went to Medan Fair in our quest to find Bika Ambon. I was their tour guide or some sort, we went ther by taxi, but went back hotel by pedicab. Hehe.. it was cheaper that way, and more traditional too. After all, both of them had never traveling by pedicab before, and now they have.

They had their final meals in Medan in Merdeka Walk, where we snapped other pictures again. Then we called for a taxi, to drive them both to the airport because their plane left that afternoon.

This experience is strange and exciting. I've got to meet my old friend again and I'm happy about it. I've got to meet a new friend named Udin, and I've got to do things more spontaneously. Things like these sometimes happen whenever an old friend of mine come to visit. Like Dabin Sutoso a few months ago. It's an adventure I'll always be eager to experience. It's nostalgic, it's memorable, and it's new.

You Belong With Me (Guy Version)

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Sun, 31 May 2009 09:48:00 +0000

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Ah, another excellent Taylor Swift song. And this is the second time I play around with the lyrics... change them so I can sing it as a girl. You know.. "You belong with me" is a definite girl song. But when I listen to that great song, and when I read the whole lyrics, I see that this is a very good song with a very good set of lyrics that tell the truth about how it feels when the one we want doesn't want us the way we want them.

Anyway, just listen to the song below. It has a very nice music video too.

Now this is the lyrics of the song :

You're on the phone with your girlfriend
She's upset.
She's going off about something that you said
'Cuz she dosent get your humor like I do...
I'm in the room
It's a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she dosen't like
And she'll never know your story like I do'

But she wears short skirts
I wear T-shirts
She's cheer captain
And I'm in the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up
And find what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see, you
You belong with me

You belong with me
Walkin' the streets with you and your worn-out jeans
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself
Hey isn't this easy

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town
I haven't seen it in a while since she brought you down
You say your fine
I know you better then that
Hey whatcha doing with a girl like that

She wears high heels
I wear sneakers
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see
You belong with me

Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know
Baby...
You belong with me

Oh'
I remember you drivin' to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh
When you know your about to cry
And I know your favorite songs
And you tell me about your dreams
Think I know where you belong
Think I know it's with me...

Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along
So why can't you see
You belong with me

Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time
How could you not know
Baby you belong with me
You belong with me

You belong with me

Have you ever thought just maybe
You belong with me

You belong with me...

Nah, now let me tweak it :)

You're on the phone with your boyfriend
He's busy.
He's doing all that stupid stuffs that you don't care
'Cuz he doesn't appreciate you like I do...
I'm in the room
It's a typical Thursday night
I'm listening to the kind of music you really like
And he'll never love your story like I do...

But he wears black suits
I wear T-shirts
he's team captain
And I'm writing poetries
Writing about the day when you wake up
And find what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see, you
You belong with me

You belong with me
Walkin' the streets with you and your dancing hair
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself
Hey isn't this easy?

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town
I haven't seen it in a while since he brought you down
You say you're fine
I know you better then that
Hey what're you doing with a boy like that?

He drives fancies
I ride old-bike
He's team captain and I'm singing this song
Singing about the day when you wake up
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see
You belong with me

Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know
Baby...
You belong with me

Oh'
I remember you callin' to my cell in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh
When you know you're about to cry
And I know your favorite songs
And you tell me about your dreams
Think I know where you belong
Think I know it's with me...

Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along
So why can't you see
You belong with me

Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time
How could you not know
Baby you belong with me
You belong with me

You belong with me

Have you ever thought just maybe
You belong with me

You belong with me...

25 Little Things You (Probably) Don't Know About Me

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Thu, 28 May 2009 09:36:00 +0000

1. My true last name is Djohan, right after Superwan, named after my grandpa.

2. I'm a big fan of the TV show Friends and I memorize most of their dialogues, know their trivias, and watch the episodes too often.

3. When I was a kid, I wanted to wear glasses so badly that I watched TV very closely everytime. Eventually I got a pair of 0.25 Dioptre convex lens, and I was really happy. Now, regretfully, I feel like I was a real idiot.

4. I master only two swimming styles, the rock style : where I just drown like a rock, and the elephant style : where I try to surface by shaking my hands rapidly but drown nevertheless.

5. I can write backwards so that you need a mirror to read what I write.

6. I memorize the dance for Nsync's song POP, and Backstreet Boys's song Larger Than Life.

7. I participated in a dance contest in Taman Anggrek in 2004, to dance for the AXE commercial dance-move look-alike, but I never knew if I won or not, because I entered my cellphone number incorrectly.

8. I can't speak mandarin, don't understand, and am not really interested in learning.

9. I can fly. But only for less than ten seconds :D

10. My favourite number is 6. My favourite day as of now is Thursday. It's ironic because I used to hate this day, and I claimed that Thursday was a bad day for me and my friends.

Bite Me! :)

11. I never have a girlfriend, ever. But I have every intention to change it now. Hehe.. It's time.

12. If I were a famous celebrity, I would choose to be Rachel McAdams, or Kate Bosworth, or Scarlett Johansson, or Claire Danes.

13. I'm a man whose name when you google it, google will ask you back : Did you mean Bambang Superman?

14. I have used these nicknames many times before : bsb_boys, el_leaved, el_pianist, will cleafant, messy marvin, iamwhoeveryouwannabe, and soliloquist.

15. I don't believe in god, but I love soliloquizing with one on my blog.

16. I am active on Twitter only because of Backstreet Boys. I find out their latest news from there.

17. I don't smoke. Never smoke. Never will smoke. Hate the smoke.

18. Once, I saw a dog shitted on the floor and then ate it. It was my dog. Ew.

19. I can become narsistic sometimes, photograph myself, talk about myself like what I'm doing now :) Hey. Narcisism is not a crime.

20. Once, I threw a big rock and it smashed someone else's window.

21. I'm a centipede phobia.

22. I really want the ability to manipulate the time and space like Hiro Nakamura. LoL.

23. I always say when I find a girl I like, I will be able to talk to her casually, but the truth is I'm as speechless as a "gagok" stutter.

24. I love Harry Potter and think that it's not only for kids. But I don't like Twilight and I think it's only for girls.

25. I need to pee right now. Hahahaha.

You can also find this list here.

God is Not a Girl

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Mon, 18 May 2009 06:24:00 +0000

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

Me : I don't care if he buys you nice things. Does his gift come from the heart? I don't have a fancy car, but to get to you I'd walk a thousand miles. Does he leave when you need him the most? Does his friends get all your time? Baby please, I'm on my knees... Praying for the day that you'll be mine! But my love is all I have to give ...

God : Hey You!

Me : Er.. What? Who's there?

God : You know, even if I'm omnipresent, it wouldn't hurt to call me sometimes... write a letter...

Me : Oh, it's you.

God : Nice. Could you be more excited to see me, please? After all, we haven't met for a while now, have we?

Me : Yeah.. I remember the last time we spoke.

God : So I figure, because you yelled at me several times the last time we had a little chat. I was guessing that you were having a bad time?

Me : Yeah... I was.

God : But now people up there are talking.. they say that your life has changed ever since you met a girl... What's her name? Will you tell me?

Me : Why should I tell you? Either way, you know her already. Probably even better than I do.

God : Yeah, I know Em. It's just politer to ask. I'm being polite, see?

Me : Whatever. My teeth are hurting. Do you know this too?

God : Yeah, it all happened suddenly last night before you sleep, didn't it? Right after you said good night to Em.

Me : Know-it-all!

God : Hey. It's good to say good night to her everynight. It shows that you care.

Me : Is it? Because I don't want to be too aggresive.. but then again, I won't succeed if I'm not aggresive enough... know what I'm saying? It'll be nice if I know how she feels about me. Do you?

God : Yeah, but I can't tell you that. You need to find that out by yourself!

Me : By asking her directly?

God : Do you see any other way?

Me : My friend Lina said that I shouldn't say anything just yet. We just met for a couple of times. It's still too early, she said.

God : And what do you think about that? Do you agree with her?

Me : I don't know. She's the one who's in a relationship now, isn't she? Some part of me wants to agree with her, and to postpone my plan. But the truth is, I really want it all to be clear. I want to tell her as soon as I can. But I want her to give me the answer that I want.

God : That's selfish. You can't force someone to like you if they don't. You should know that by now.

Me : Yeah, I know that. I just hate the waiting. The curiosity. The anticipation for the truth.

God : So what will you do when you meet her tomorrow? Or in a couple of days? Will you tell her?

Me : I think I'll see the circumstances.. I want to feel the moment first. If she gives me any signals or gestures.. to ensure me that I'll be okay telling her that.. then I will. Because who knows when will this opportunity repeat itself?

God : What if they don't come? The gestures or whatever?

Me : Then it will mean that the day is not as perfect as I hope, and I'll retreat. Try to buy some time. Arrange some future meetings. That way, I'll have more time in the future.

God : Do you love her?

Me : Maybe.

God : Do you think about her often?

Me : Often? I think about her everytime, twenty four seven. Whatever I do, I can't get her out of my mind.

God : Have you ever felt this towards someone else?

Me : I don't think I have.

God : Not even Cy, el_leaved, +avie?

Me : I guess this is different. It's the first time I really think I have a shot. I don't know why. probably because of what happened to me in the past few months... I've become...

God : braver than usual?

Me : Yeah!

God : I saw that too, two days ago.

Me : Are you talking about that thing at D Loft?

God : Yeah. You came to introduce yourself to a group of beautiful girls for the first time in your life. You do what a player would do. You are not Bambang Superwan that night. You were not socially retarded anymore. And it went well, didn't it? You've got their phone numbers too, haven't you?

Me : Yeah, I've got them.

God : Why didn't you call or text them? The one named Ernie, she's very beautiful. Even you said so.

Me : Yeah, I know. I wanted to, but then Em came to my mind.

God : So what? She's not your girlfriend yet. Think of Ernie as a friend with a potential.

Me : What, you mean a backup?

God : Uhuh.

Me : What kind of God are you?

God : Ahh.. forget it. I'm just thinking out loud.

Me : Wait. There's a reason why you said that. Do you know something about Em that I don't...?

God : ...

Me : Ah, you knew what her answer will be, and it doesn't good.

God : You and your insecurities! I just wanna hit your head with an oar!

Me : WHAT?

God : Don't tell me you're still as pessimistic as you were before? I thought you've changed!

Me : I KNOW. I want to change. You can't help what was already in the nature.

God : Oh please! Don't blame this on nature! You're all that matters. You're what you choose to be.

Me : Just shut up about it... and tell me what do you know about her answer.

God : I've told you I can't tell you.

Me : Then you're as useless as this monitor in front of me.

God : You do realize you're soliloquizing, right?

Me : Did you just admit that you're not real?

God : No, I'm real. Just not the same version as the one in your head.

Me : My head, yeah... the source of it all.

God : Now we're just babbling.

Me : What do you want me to say? You're the one holding the information.

God : Aren't you gonna tell me that I have the right to remain silent? :)

Me : But you're not human.

God : Yeah, but I can sing. I know that song you're singing earlier. Was it for her?

Me : Yeah... If only...

God : If only what?

Me : If only she can hear it.

God : She can.

Me : Really?

God : Yeah. You just need to make her listen. There is one way to do that.

Me : What's that?

God : Tell her.

Wet Sunday Night on Cia Cia’s Birthday

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Fri, 15 May 2009 08:14:00 +0000

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

I have always been a fan of birthdays, though lots of my birthdays were forgotten and let passed away... but like I said, I’ve always been a fan of my friends’ birthdays. I like to celebrate something.. because doing so reminds me that I have them as company... that I’m not lonely. If I have learned one thing, you gotta appreciate moments like these...

But it’s hard to appreciate Cia Cia’s birthday last Sunday. Why so? Everything would have gone so well if it wasn’t for the damn rain. I gotta tell you, it’s been raining in Medan every night. Sometimes it’s just a happy drizzle.. but most of the times it’s like someone just poured gallons of water from the sky. That someone whose ass I like to kick very much.

So the plan was to go to NAV Karaoke at seven pm, but due to the very heavy rain.. I and Sugi were stuck inside Steven’s house for hours... along with Steven of course. We went there because earlier the three of us went to buy two cakes at Papa Mama Bakery. The moment we were back at his house, the rain started to fall. Around five thirty that afternoon, we walked the road Katamso to find food. We knew we had to eat before the party started. I remember this time very clearly because the sky had turned gray, the clouds had leaked water, and it’s very wet all around. But the main reason was that during all that time, I was texting Em.

On that damp afternoon, I didn’t know why but I couldn’t get her out of my head. Hell, I can’t not think about her every day, even right now...

So we did find a place to eat. Somewhere on the corner of the streets. And after we made sure our stomach was full. We went back to the house. That was when the rain got heavier and heavier. After six o’clock, we were all worried like hell how we would get to NAV, because the thunders and the lightnings and the rain and the flood... all of them didn’t help at all.

Suwandy, Achuan, and Hendry arrived with their car. Steven went with them carrying the cakes, and our presents for Cia Cia. Sugi and I challenged the rain by traveling by motorcycles on that very wet night. Soaked and Dripping all over, the two of us made it to NAV, which was blacked out due to the rain. We asked them when the power would be up... they told us anytime soon. But after several coupleteens minutes of waiting, all of us were very disappointed because the people at NAV told us that they would be closing for the rest of the night, and we were forced to leave. Cia Cia and her girls finally arrived just to see we’re leaving again. So we were headed to Happy Puppy, the other karaoke place we thought were OK.

One more time, Sugi and I were travelling in to the rain. At times, he even asked me if it’s all worth the trouble.. whether we’d better be going home. But I told him that we were all this way and I wouldn’t want it all to be in vain. After all, I couldn’t do it to Cia Cia.

So we went to Happy Puppy. Getting wetter than ever, we arrived there, followed by Cia Cia and her companies. Ayen and Cia Cia went inside and then outside again in a very short time. We were surprised and were ready for the bad news we knew we would get. The place was full.

Hendry and his friend Hendra arrived as well, after got soaked up by the rain. All of us discussed for a minute, knowing that that night had turned bad and late. It’s already eight and we’re one hour late from our previous plan.

K2! We finally decided to go there... hoping there would be a place for fifteen of us. I even told myself that if K2 was also full, then it’s all over.

But another thing happened on the way to K2. As I went there with Sugi and Hendry, all of sudden, Hendry blew a tire. His front tire was punctured just outside Sun Plaza. It was still raining, and Sugi who didn’t know anything about this had gone straight to K2. I helped out Hendry who was riding with Hendra. They were annoyed, but couldn’t do anything about it. So the two of them went to find a workshop while I was heading to K2 to tell the other guys that those two wouldn’t be joining us that evening. It’s almost like a war. Lol.

I arrived at K2, finding a confused Sugi. The other guys hadn’t arrived yet. Its already eight thirty and the rest of the party still at large. I called them and it turned out they were lost! How could they get lost in the middle of the city to a place we had been going to so often so many times? I didn’t understand the level of stupidity of that situation. But I figured the K2 wouldn’t wait much longer, so I booked a room and Sugi and I went inside. Ten minutes later, the others joined us. Cia Cia, Steven, Ayen, Lia, Yuvina, Mery, Cory, Suwandy, the other Hendry, Achuan, and then Michael, Apau, and Felix joined us too an hour later, making us fifteen people in the suite room of K2, in the middle of the wet night.

After got soaked up, flooded, blacked out, pissed off for waiting, soaked up again, disappointed at Happy Puppy, soaked up again, flat tired, and lost, we all made it eventually. And it’s time to get the party started.

LoL. The party only went for two hours because we were running very late... and its going darker each minute. Like usual, we were singing and having a great time there.. and then Cia Cia cut the cake, gave a piece for everyone.. Ayen was the MC, kinda.. like usual... and I was the one who always sang the Happy Birthday song, Steven was the one who’s in charge in taking pictures and videos... and the rest of us were in charge in eating. LoL.

You can see several of the pictures below...

Picture of me and Ayen singing duet...

More pictures :

Me alone

Steven the Cameraman. He didn't realize when I took this picture. LoL at his face.

The twenty three years old Cia Cia cutting the cake...

These are the pictures when Cia Cia opened my present.. she was reading the card I attached along with the present.

These are the pictures of Cia Cia accepting presents from the other guys..

Below is the short video of me singing Jason Mraz’s I’m Yours... I dedicated this song for Cia Cia when the rest of us were eating the cake.. Hehe... I didn’t sound too good, so you may only see a short clip from that. Hehe...

The party last just for a short time. Two hours seemed to fly easily.. but it was worthed the wait and rain too. Hehe... Here we were all together.

Together.

I always like this word. Means a lot.

Make Me Babies

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Sun, 10 May 2009 06:54:00 +0000

Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

So, I'm bored today and I saw a something fun in livedaily.com so I guess I tried to make my own baby as well. Lolz... I don't have much time, so I thought I'd start with my favourite actress.. I'll mix them up with my friends and even Em later on. But now..

Meet little Alexis, my and Scarlett Johansson's daughter :

Little James, my and Rachel McAdams' son :

Little Natasha, my and Drew Barrymore's newest daughter :D

Here's Michelle, my and BoA's newest daughter..

And Last but Not Least :

Meet Little Shriek, my and Shrek's newest son :

Whoa!!

Lolz...

I guess as a dad.. I'm too slutty.. slept with many famous sexy chicks.. OYG.. I'm Edison Chen! LoL

Anyway, gotta go now. Today is Cia Cia's birthday party. I will update this entry with lots of other mix ups with my friends... lolz.. I wonder how they will turn out. :D

Leo and Capricorn

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Fri, 08 May 2009 06:55:00 +0000

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

I don't really believe in Zodiac love compatibility result, but I gotta tell you, I have to post this. It's too funny. LoL...

Leo’s are the great romantics of the zodiac; they love to be at centre stage or in the middle of their circle of friends.

Fire and passion burn in their mind and body – they are party lovers who tend to burn the candle at both ends. Leo’s have a strong sex-drive and a powerful presence that can be irresistibly sexy!

They radiate extreme confidence and love to take charge in bed. Expect all the trimmings with a Leo, romantic dinner setting, champagne, sexy lingerie and satin sheets forms the basis of their seduction scene. They are sexually adventurous, creative, and highly skilled in their lovemaking and capable satisfying the most demanding partner.

Routine predictable sex is a non-no for Leo who prefers challenge and an unpredictable sexually adventurous partner.

Leo rules the spine, back and heart so sweeping gentle caresses along the length of the spine with particular attention to the sensitive lower back, will relax as well as sexually excite them.

Best Bed Mates for the Leo: Sagittarius, Aries, Gemini, Libra , Virgo, and Capricorn.

I wonder, can it be true?

As I hit the net, I kept reading that Leo and Capricorn is an awful match. But wait a minute...

Barack and Michelle Obama are Leo and Capricorn, and they seem to be going just fine. Huehuehue..

So the point is that we shouldn't believe in any of this. Whatever they say, you say match.
They say we don't match, I say we match!

Screw Astrology, LoL...

Discussion about love

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Mon, 04 May 2009 07:42:00 +0000

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

There'll come a time, or many times, in your life, when you need to decide on something life-changing, and actually have the guts to do it. When it comes to love, I am always a shy person. I don't wanna be like that anymore. I need to show how I feel. It's my feeling, I shouldn't be ashamed of it, right?

So here's the deal. I first knew this girl like a month ago.. just a very short period of time. Officially, we knew each other three weeks ago. A week later, we met in person. And by that time, I'd fallen for her. She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen directly with my own eyes. I realize fully that I will be so lucky if she has any feelings for me. The first time I talked to her, I got the feeling that she and I would be really great together. Despite her gorgeousness, I saw a simple person inside of her, kind and warm, the one that's not been corrupted by the politics of relationships, the one who sees the best of everyone, and hopefully, me.

I tried to be close to her, to get to know her better, but at the same time, I tried to distance myself... I didn't want to be aggressive. The last thing I wanted was to push her away. I haven't got the idea if it's working now, but I will soon find out.

Over the past couple days, my relationship with her has seemed to spawn ups and downs. It's hard to keep my distance from her, so ironic, because we're separated most of the time anyway, but I really miss her. I think of her everyday. If they didn't say that love and obsession isn't the same thing, I would have called myself obsessed. But I think I'm just infatuated. Is there any difference?

The truth is, I don't care.

All I care about now is whether she'll say yes. As selfish as it may seem, I can't help but think that isn't now my time? People have got their chances. What about me? It's about time I have my own happiness for a change.

So that's what I do now. I'm trying to win her. I'm struggling towards my happiness.

Last night, we talked for hours, mostly about relationship. She said that I was different from the others, that I was kind and not boring, patient, and she thought I'm a relationship material. But I couldn't read her. Does she feel the same way about me? Or was I deluding myself? Does she have someone else in mind? Because it's now either me or someone else. And I'd rather it's me so much that my heart hurts when I think of her with someone else. Again, so selfish of me.

But is this selfish, for wanting to make her happy? Because I feel that deeply and clearly. It's genuine and true. I really want her to be happy, but I just want it to happen with me. From what I've gathered, I could tell that she has some heart-brokens in the past. I need to guarantee it's never gonna happen again. I will never hurt her. I think I'm this kind of man.

What's the chance of her rejecting me? Fifty-fifty, I'd say. It's such a big risk, because usually, at this rate... Fifty-Fifty in my life means that there's a 90% it will go wrong! But I have made my mind, because there's only one way to find out. So I'm gonna tell her how I feel.

And if worse comes to worst, I won't stop chasing her. I don't care if she's out of my league.

Backstreet's Back, AGAIN!

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 06:49:00 +0000

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

UPDATE : I've listened to their songs.. all of them are great, different but still the boys! My order of the songs from the greatest to the least : Fallen Angel, She's a Dream, Bigger, Masquerade, and International.

I also took down the links for download. I just found out that Backstreet Boys didn't leak the songs intentionally, so they are upset about this. As a fan, I won't repost those links. Backstreet Boys needs to come back strong!

I've just found out about this. And I think it made my day! For you who knows me, you must know that I'm the biggest fan of Backstreet Boys in Tembung! Lolz... I would have said in North Sumatra, but I didn't even go to their concert last year! Though I was wishing I could have gone so bad... but well.. it's all in the past.

Backstreet Boys is in the process of finishing their latest untitled seventh album, and it sounds that this album will be very different from the previous ones (I'm talking about the not-so-successful Never Gone and Unbreakable). They insert more RnB style, less ballad, and they cooperate with many artists like NeYo, Akon, JC Chasez, and more... and they bring back the greatest composer ever, my favourite song writer named Max Martin...

The point is, I think this new album will be terrific and it will be the comeback of the Backstreet Boys. Plus, new album means new world tour. I hope they come back to this so-called "country" Indonesia... perhaps even perform in Mikie Holiday.

Hahahaha...

Ok, this is from Wikipedia :

7th Studio Album (2009-present)

The group has started to work on a new as of yet untitled album due for release in 2009 and are confirmed to be working with Max Martin, OneRepublic singer Ryan Tedder, and Hip-Hop singer T-Pain. Lil' Wayne, RedOne, Ne-Yo, Brian Kennedy, Andre Merritt, Pitbull, Claude Kelly, Akon, JC Chasez, Jim Jonsin Eddie Galan of Mach 1 Music, Nasri, and many others have confirmed collaborations on the new album.

According To KBS Radio The Backstreet Boys have recorded 18 songs for their new album.

You can download five leaked tracks from this new album by clicking these links :

(links have been removed... hehe... sorry :D)

The five tracks are :

1. Fallen Angel
2. Bigger
3. Masquerade
4. She's a Dream
5. International

I'm supposed to download this right here right now, but it's too bad that I'm currently in Neverland and it's impossible to download anything bigger than 1 MB here.. Sucks! But I'll save these links and I'll download them first thing later!

Video of the boys before the last show on the Unbreakable Tour :

Thank you Backstreet Boys, for never giving up and keep on existing! You are indeed the best group ever!

"As long as there'll be music we'll be coming back again!" - AJ McLean from the song "Everybody"

Funny Google Suggestions

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 06:26:00 +0000

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

1. Well, go to google first!
2. Type something on the search bar.
3. Don't hit enter :D

Below are just the products of my curiosity...

Sure... there'll come a day when google is making us stupid... :D Just don't hold your breath.

Haha.. I laughed. Google will eat itself? Google will take over the world? Highly likely, huh? Google will not search for Chuck Norris. LMAO!! I wonder why. Google, will you marry me? Huahahahahaha....

Later, Harry Potter crossed my mind, so I thought... "why don't I try him?"

Amongst "Harry Potter is satanic" and "Harry Potter is sexist", I couldn't help but wonder that more than 800,000 people thought that "Harry Potter is better than twilight". Lolz

But of course, it wouldn't be fair if I didn't try to enter "Twilight is" as well... expecting "Twilight is better than Harry Potter"... but instead...

Lolz... Is this proving something? Well, at least Twilight is also sexist... lolz..

Twilight's fans would kill me if I didn't try this somewhere else... so I went to Youtube :

And there it is... The same result... although I began to question the credibility of You Tube users as soon as I read "Harry Potter is a barbie" suggestion.

But then :

Finally! Twilight beats Harry Potter in You Tube! :P But it also says that "Twilight is gayyy", with three Ys. Lolz

Then I remembered Obama.. the first black president of america...

It looks like when Google asks a question, google has the answer.. :p

Lol again! He will be assasinated, huh? But the negativity doesn't stop there as you can see... "Obama will destroy america", "Obama will fail", "Obama will ruin america", and the strangest of all is "Obama will be tested"... for what? lolz.

And then I typed "Obama will never", hoping it would show "Obama will never be assasinated"...

But it turned out this way. Wake up guys! He IS the president now! Lolz...

But perhaps only googlers thought that way, because Yahooers...

They are more realistic :P

But after that, I put random words and kept getting funny suggestions :D

Like : What's the worse thing than cannibals, one asks... ?

It's when you eat them.

LoL

And now confession time :

YOU WHAT???

What about your girlfriend?

Oh really? Cool!

AWWW! Sorry! Lolz

Do you know the difference between boys and girls? When boys are talking about their girlfriends ...

But when girls are talking about their boyfriends ...

I mean, REALLY??? Hahahaha...

I guess in times like that ... when your boyfriend wants to pee on you, you can always say :

"WHAT THE DUCK?"

People on earth are strange...

They look like a monkey and smell like one too :D

And in You Tube, people look like gorillas... or movie stars... or a hoe :D

What is baby prostitute? Lolz

Beyond that, things get a little insane...

This I found when I was surfing earlier :p
Read the last entry...

What's happening with people? LOL

I think we should create a quiz on television called : "Who wants to be a Vampire"...

but wait a minute... Is becoming a vampire a good choice for your career?

Oh I See.

But you can always learn something from google..

You can find everything in google...

I mean it! EVERYTHING! You can even learn how to poop your pants! :D

Lolz..

In the end, it's just a joke. I really found these suggestions on the search engines... funny as hell.. so now you know, google can make you laugh.

The scary thing is...

You know most people in Indonesia laugh uniquely...

Instead of a normal "Hahahaha...", they say : "Wakakaka...."

But Google knows that too...

Wakakakakakakakaka!

Missing Kratos (not romantically, no ^^), and Missing Her (yes, romantically, yes ^^)

noreply@blogger.com (Soliloquist) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 06:13:00 +0000

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

It's been a while since the last time I played playstation 2. My brother, he took it away to his office and hence I never have any chance to play again. Hehe... My favourite game in PS 2 is and has always been God of War. It is such a great game. I've played and finished the first and second game, respectively God of War and God of War II.

Recently, my friend Riwan asked me a lot of about the game's puzzles. He is playing God Of War II almost everynight and sometimes when he's stuck in the middle of a puzzle, he seeks me for help.m I gladly help him, and at the same time, I miss this game. He asked me to go to his house later tonight, he has some questions for me regarding this game. I will happily come. But now, as I read about the third and final installment of God of War, I began to feel really excited about it.

I went to wikipedia for more info, and youtube to watch the trailers directly. Safe to say, it has excited me even more now... like seeing Kratos' new weapon... Helio's Head... if I'm not mistaken. Hahaha.. You see the trailer for yourselves then... :

Too bad it's in Playstation 3 only. I still don't have that. Hahaha.. But I think I will get that at some point. No way in hell I will miss this wonderful game. Hohohoho...

On a lighter subject (lighter? ^^), I also miss a girl terribly. I want to meet her again so badly that my stomach hurts. I know we have a plan to meet two weeks later, but is it so selfish to meet sooner? I already can't wait... can't wait to see her beautiful face again... ah.. the prettiest... can't wait to talk to her again... and most of all, can't wait to tell her that I like her.

I know.. but the anticipation is killing me. I really need to get it over with. I don't need all this second thinkings which may somehow cloud my head and fill it with hesitation and doubt.

Ah.. but I guess all I can do it to wait. Wait Wait Wait! Something can happen. We never know :D